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Original poster

Help me decide what is best or least worst!

170 replies

Onepollock · 20/07/2014 05:27

I left my H 2 months ago taking our two young children to my parents. I had a long running post here which I pulled when I found he'd been accessing my MN account.

I left because the atmosphere at home had become really hostile, he was drinking heavily, name calling it ignoring me, refused counselling etc.

2 months on we're no further forwards. Our oldest starts school in Sept and i'm desperate to get home so he can go on bus to school with his friends etc.

I have asked him to leave the house and he'a refused. I have now suggested one night a week and every other Fri and sat he would sleep in house with kids if he agrees not to drink. The rest of the time he would stay at a place we've been offered. This would be until end of year and then be reviewed but would at least get me back in the house. He has now suggested counselling (post seeing a lawyer whereas before he had laughed at me when i suggested it) and i've said i will go with him during this 4 month period.

however he's said no as its 'all on my terms' and I can return to either oexist with him under pre agreed terms or that we should share the house exactly 50/50.

The children aren very young (just 4 and 2.5) and aren't used to me being away from them very much. In the 2 months I've been away he hasn't contacted them at all during the week.

Would you do 50/50 to get back into the house. I think I have accepted our relationship is over but want to know what the right thing is to do for the children.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onepollock · 18/08/2014 22:15

Gold I agree this is in no way a long term solution. However, it does mean he sees this children more (when I moved out he didn't see or contact them in the week because it was 'all on my terms'). I also agree he won't acknowledge my feelings. He never has so I've no idea why I half hope he will now.

I really like the idea about a one chance with drinking situation. I have no idea what he is drinking at the moment as I haven't lived with him for over 3 months. It is easy to forget what a problem it was when you don't see it.

More than anything I don't want to be away from the children every other weekend. There isn't much I can do about that if he commits to not drinking.

OP posts:
Romeyroo · 18/08/2014 22:40

But the point about him not seeing the children 'as it was all on your terms' suggests that he is prepared to use his (lack of) contact with them as leverage; whilst you are bending over backwards to put their interests first.

If you start with daytime contact to see how things go, and gradually introduce overnights at some point down the road, you don't need to go straight to not seeing them every other weekend. You work on a contact schedule which suits them and is age-appropriate.

FWIW, I offered contact in my house initially as I thought it best for my young dc. He acted like he had never left, so I discontinued the arrangement (to a good deal of resistance and at legal expense). So, I do understand where you are coming from, but would absolutely advocate space.

Anyway, I think I have said enough. Very best wishes whatever you decide.

Goldmandra · 18/08/2014 22:45

Onepollock, you're trying to feel your way through a really difficult situation here while causing minimum distress and disruption to your children. It cannot be easy. Just don't let your guard down.

He never has so I've no idea why I half hope he will now.

You like to give people the benefit of the doubt? I think that comes across strongly in all of your posts. Just try not to see doubt where there isn't any.

Original poster
Onepollock · 20/08/2014 22:45

Tonight is the first night he is staying in the house with the children. I was baby sitting for a neighbour and popped back to get my bags and the dog before I went to stay at my parents tonight (which he knew I was doing). In the 2hrs 45 mins since I'd left I could see that he'd drunk half a bottle of wine and in the recycling were two bottles of lager and 2 small cans of lager. Part of the agreement was he wouldn't drink if he had sole care of the children.

So I have stayed. He is over the limit and I can't leave the children if he continues drinking he is already over the limit. I've left a note telling him (as he is on the phone) asking him to go back to his cottage or stay downstairs. I feel a bit frightened.

Just don't know why he is being so blatant about this.. I am not going to be able to leave the children with him which means our agreement isn't valid. How am I going to stop him from staying?

OP posts:
TapWellies · 20/08/2014 22:53

Crikey OP, that's bad. Hope you're OK.

Lweji · 20/08/2014 23:09

You need to change the locks as soon as he leaves the house.

His behaviour is not surprising, TBH, but still faster than I'd have thought. :(
If you feel in danger at any time, ring 999 and get your family on the case too.

Fingers crossed for you.

Zazzles007 · 20/08/2014 23:42

You've been set up One. He knows that if he starts drinking (again) you won't leave the DC with him (and neither should you). So he knew that all he had to do was talk you round into letting him have the kids, and find a way to start drinking before you had gone to your parents and discover him doing so. Can you not see this?

That's why everyone was so against you allowing him to have the DC, anything he does is for his benefit and his benefit alone. He is still manipulating you, and you are in a sufficient fog that you 'allow' him to talk you around. Please get some counseling to work out why your boundaries are so low - you are sacrificing your own emotional and mental health by allowing this alcoholic head-fuck to play with you and your DC lives Sad.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 20/08/2014 23:51

What Lweji said Sad

MexicanSpringtime · 21/08/2014 00:24

Oh OP, I remember your last thread and have just read this entire thread. Your DH doesn't care about you or your children, he only seems to care about the house and his alcohol. If he cared about the children he would be the first person to want them to be able to live in their own home and would have moved out when you first separated. If he wanted to get back with you, he would be audited all his past behaviour and saying sorry.

As for counselling, it is not a panacea. He doesn't sound like he is genuinely interested in it, for a start.

Did you ever get to Al-Anon?

Of course he has his nice side, but it is far outweighed by everything else.

Goldmandra · 21/08/2014 00:42

You've done all you can. This needs to be game over and he needs to have supervised contact only with the DCs in future.

If he won't move out and stay out you need to do it instead, even if it means putting off the start of school.

He isn't going to change.

Original poster
Onepollock · 21/08/2014 09:22

Yup it is definitely game over. I felt frightened last night as I had no idea what his reaction would be to me staying especially as he was pissed. I went to bed half thinking he would come up the stairs to have a go at me or worse.

He stayed in the spare room in a separate bit of the house and told our nanny who arrived shortly after I left that the children slept very well! How would he know as he wasn't in ear shot.... Good job too as our oldest had a nightmare last night and was up for about an hour. I'm so glad I was there. Who knows what would have happened to him if I hadn't been.

I don't have such low boundaries I just can't believe anyone can be that much of a selfish self entitled test. I can't understand why he would jeopardise seeing the children. Now I KNOW that he is I can act. I've emailed the solicitor and hope that we can look again at the injunction ?e discussed before. He isn't due to stay in the house for another week now so I have a bit of time to act.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onepollock · 21/08/2014 09:22

Obviously it's supposed to say twat not test....

OP posts:
Romeyroo · 21/08/2014 12:15

Hi One, so glad that you are okay and that you were there for the children. I am sorry that this has happened, as you tried your best to be amicable and give him one more chance.

Take what steps you can to protect you and DC. FWIW, I grew up with an alcoholic father and he used to drink when he was looking after us, and our mum was away. She knew he had a drink problem and she left us with him; I remember putting him to bed comatose etc.

It is game over. DC need you to be strong; and sometimes acting in their best interests is stopping someone who is supposed to love them harming them.

OwnerOfAnInsanePuppy · 21/08/2014 12:18

Take a photo of what he has drunk as evidence.

Good luck.

scouseontheinside · 24/08/2014 09:05

Have just caught up OP.

You really have done all that you can.

Goldmandra · 24/08/2014 10:47

Did you get anywhere with the solicitor and an injunction?

Squeegle · 24/08/2014 11:00

Hello onepollock, just caught up with what's been happening.
So sorry, I know it's so gutwrenchingly disheartening when the drinking with kids rears its head again

Honest, in my experience, you will be most successful if you forget about being fair to him, and make the kids your only priority. Again, in my experience- people with drink problems CANNOT EVER BE TRUSTED. There is too much twisted thinking going on on their brains.

Detachment is the answer, carry on with the divorce, do not let him have them overnight until he has been sober for about a year. It is harsh- yes the kids want to see their dad - but you're not making this obstacle- it is his choice.

He sounds like an arch manipulator, all those things he's saying to neighbours etc.

Keep strong. It takes a while, but from an outsiders perspective I can see how much your attitude has changed in the last few months.

Original poster
Onepollock · 26/08/2014 18:38

I have just come back from a joint counselling appt. I didn't feel like I could say no as he had refused it for so long. Then he would be able to day to family well I said yes and she didn't want to go.....

Anyway, I have been feeling so much brighter on my own recently especially since I've been back in the house and today's session left me feeling like I'd gone 10 rounds. Not only did he talk incessantly which is very unlike him but I felt like I couldn't say anything. He attacked my family saying the children were in an unhealthy and 'litigious' environment when I took them to my parents (they are lawyers although not family and have pushed me into this apparently). He said I was a bully, aggressive and he was so frightened one night he put a chair under door of spare room?!

I felt like she got where he was coming from although to me he sounded really bonkers but also I felt drained, stressed and confused when I left. Added into the mix I tried to discus drinking and him looking after the children. He said well I'll stick to under drink driving limit and she said ok you should trust him! Apparently the other night I exaggerated they were only small beers so 4 = 2 pints and half a bottle of wine is apparently fine. Surely I can't trust him now?

My extra prob is that my big sister is also having marital problems. Her husband is going through a sort of break down and she is very stressed. Maybe it is my family. Maybe we are so awful that we cause our husbands to be complete bastards or have nervous breakdowns! I cannot make any sense of anything.

Either way he showed nothing but hatred of me in the session. I know there is no love there.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 26/08/2014 18:43

I wonder what he'd say if you suggested getting a breathalyser kit so he can demonstrate to you that he is under the drink drive limit.

I wouldn't trust him. Is he still planning to continue staying overnight in the house? I would say a very clear no to that.

Lweji · 26/08/2014 20:03

And this is why joint counselling is not recommended where one of the partners is abusive. Which he is.

I hope this was your last.

And I like the breathaliser option. I would do my best to make it a condition of eventually him having the children unsupervised. Because you can't trust him.

Squeegle · 26/08/2014 20:30

Yes, he's really showing his true colours. Problem is, a lot of counsellors are just "nice, empathic people" , they're not trained in psychology. They can therefore miss many signs. The wrong one can be dangerous, not just for couples but for singles who have issues that are more than just an attitude of mind.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 26/08/2014 20:46

Change therapist if you must continue but he seems to be a master manipulator. This whole process won't work.

Original poster
Onepollock · 26/08/2014 21:07

Nope she is a psychologist. Maybe she did spot some of his behaviours. She certainly said control was an issue!

I know he left thinking he's showed her what a nutter I was. He had a way to twist everything we discussed into a way of discrediting me.

Just horrid. Lots of people have told me how tough it will be on my own and I should try and make it work if I can but I can't see how it would be.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/08/2014 21:11

I think this was a good example of how difficult it will be with him.

I am on my own with DS and life is simpler and easier without exH. Happier too.

It can be hard at times, when he is ill, but so far family has pulled through.

Lweji · 26/08/2014 21:14

As for the therapist, this was the first session. I'm sure it gave her a lot to think about and she may intervene more next time.

But... personally, I wouldn't go. You gave it a shot. He used it to manipulate the situation and play the victim. No sense of actually wanting to come through for you, the children, or acknowledge his part in the break up of the marriage, from what you said. Just more of the same you already had had from him.

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