Dating thread 77

[neiljames77]

Just got in from my holiday and saw that 76 was full.

So I think the reason he doesn't communicate much with me in the evenings is because he's indulging in a bit of sexting and the like with strangers.

I suppose that's the crux of it.

He's definitely not married.

I don't think he's in 'real' relationship with someone else. Not if he's taken me to meet his friends and family.

I was having a wobble before, yes. And that's exactly what he said, chick. I'd forgotten about that...

He's always been quiet on the texting. I suppose he made a bit more effort in the early days, but then you make more effort on everything in the very early days, don't you..?

I keep thinking I should email him now and see what happens. But I can't quite bring myself to do it. And I don't know what to say.

After getting such a dismissive response last night, I feel like I'm being an idiot if I do email him, but petty and childish if I don't.

He just keeps telling me that I'm more sociable than him. That he's quite happy to live a quiet solitary life nowadays. But I'm just not sure...

folk why do you assume sexting? Do you know he's into that? has he ever tried to instigate it with you?

Why would it change, chick?

Because I don't believe any of it. Everything feels like a match that burns brightly and hotly for a very short time and then burns out. I don't have any experience of anyone having long and enduring positive feelings for me so I find it difficult to accept that it could happen.

I believe that he means the things when he says them, but that they have no longevity. As soon as they are said, they become meaningless.

No. Never tried to instigate it with me. Never really responded either

I just assume it because I can't imagine what else is holding his attention so strongly in the evening that if I email/text him it takes hours for him to reply and then only a brief reply if he's just sitting watching films on his laptop.

Or maybe he's webcamming or skyping. Who knows? Again, never suggested that with me either, but I assume that's because it wouldn't do anything for him to do it with me rather than because he's not interested in it...

It's a shame you have such negative feelings about yourself folk girl :(. Has he said anything about his exes to make you feel insecure? If he's making you feel bad then surely you should end it?

Only that they have all been beautiful. And his mother's beautiful and his friends are beautiful and his sister is beautiful and his best friend's ex was beautiful...

I don't think he means to make me feel insecure. He just does.

It doesn't make sense for him to just say those things if he doesn't mean them. Most men are terrified of admitting that they love someone. There are much wiser people on this forum who will give you much better advice than me and I don't mean to belittle how upset you are about this current situation but could the way you feel about this be coming from previous self esteem issues? Apart from being a bit flakey about the family get together has he really done anything to make you change how you feel so dramatically? Sorry if I have missed something, this thread has moved so fast lately I've found it hard to keep up!

cross posted there, he tells you that YOU are beautiful too?

No way, he must be stupid if he doesn't realise that talking up the beauty of every woman around him except you is going to make you feel shit!

Well he does say I'm beautiful too. But I can see that I'm not.

I don't know most of these other women. His mother definitely was when she was younger.

I sent me a photo of his mum when she was much younger and I said she was beautiful. He replied. She was. And then, "but you are too".

But in my head, he's just saying it to me because he should, but he's saying it about everyone else because it's objectively true.

chick old self esteem issues are definitely not helping I just don't know what to do about any of it.

talk to him!!

I'm too scared of him being honest and not liking what I hear chick

I thought I could just brush all my worries and fears aside, but I can't.

It's GOT to be better to talk to him and know for certain what is going on than be sat worrying about it. You sound so lovely and you've always had such sensible advice for other people on here. You need to talk to him. If you don't like what you hear at least you know but I suspect that you will feel better after. x

chick he has said that he wants to talk to me properly about 'us' but that I just clam up and can't do it.

He's right. I can't.

I know you're right...

He has said that his previous relationships (with these beautiful women) have been characterised by insecurity on his part - always worrying what they were doing and who with and that he feels he can have a more mature relationship without any of that with me.

I heard: you're not as attractive as my exes. They were so beautiful that I knew they could have anyone they wanted. You, on the other hand, are less attractive so I don't need to worry quite so much. With you I've gone for personality more than looks. So, whilst I don't think you hit every branch when you fell out of the ugly tree, I also don't need to worry about other men being interested because, largely, they won't be.

I don't know how I'd react if he actually said that though.

It makes me feel sick to even think about it. If he said it, I'd be worried about how I'd react out of sheer disgust for myself.

Jarlin

No I didn't tell him. For that exact reason. I just said they were looking forward to meeting him.

As far as slow goes, don't feel under any pressure to reply to him straightaway. Not in a 'giving him a taste of his own medicine' sense (although if that's a happy byproduct, so be it ) but because you've said your piece. You can give it as much time as you want to decide exactly what you want to say to him in return.

Do you feel like you'd like to talk to him and give it another go? Or are you resolute in your decision and that this is best for you?

I know which I think it is.

I agree with you about the not wanting him to change for you, too. It's like the whole telling my boyfriend how disappointed I am. I shouldn't have to. He should be able to work that out for himself. Not only that, but I wouldn't want him to do something under duress... my marriage was characterised by that sort of thing. I want to be with someone with whom I, by and large, want the same thing.

How are you feeling now?

Sadly, I don't know if I would be convinced. Or rather, I think it would be quite easy for him to reassure me, but it wouldn't last for very long.

I worry that one day, I'm going to regret fucking this up but, at the moment, I don't see any alternative

oh folk Don't let your past insecurities spoil this lovely thing you seem to have been developing with him. xx

Well I emailed him an hour and a half ago to say hi and ask how his day is going.

Nothing.

But I know that he has constant access to his email.

But that's not what you want to know? You want to talk to him about why he didn't come to the family party? Why don't you call him?