Dating thread 77

[neiljames77]

Just got in from my holiday and saw that 76 was full.

Hi all, just checking in.

Gosh it doesn't take long to feel completely out of touch on here, does it?!!

Jarlin so sorry to read about your turn of events. It all sounded so positive after your chat with him.

My son is 15 and he's out at the moment. He'll be back some time this evening... and probably out again tomorrow. At 16, there's no way slow's son will want to be around his dad and there's no need for him to be 'babysat' the whole time.

Have you sent your email yet?

Jarlin

So sorry to hear that. But I think you've done the right thing under the circumstances.

If I were him, I wouldn't be prioritising my teenage son to the extent that I wouldn't see someone I cared about for 4 weeks.

I think the fact you feel "strangely ok" is quite telling. That's the relief because you recognise you've done the right thing. You'll probably have moments where you wonder what the hell you've done, but ultimately, I think you've done what's best for you.

And if he does reply, you know we'll all be here for you, don't you?

What are you doing today to be kind to yourself?

Jarlin, I think you've done the right thing by sending the e-mail. I just don't think you had much alternative. You'd tried talking to him, and it doesn't seem to have done any good.

I identify with what FolkGirl says about relief. When things ended with Mr C I felt (and still feel) sad, but I also felt that I'd done the right thing, for the right reasons. And every time I had a wobble, I thought about that, and about the fact that, despite my best efforts, the relationship wasn't working.

As FolkGirl says, be kind to yourself today. I let myself cry when I needed to, and also told a RL friend about it, which helped.

Jarlin, I posted before I read your last post. I'm so sorry to hear about your brother.

I had a feeling Slow would probably respond. I guess it feels like prolonging the agony (especially with such unfortunate timing) but I wonder if this could be the jolt he needed and now he's realised what he's lost he's actually capable of change after all? It's all very, very hard for you. I'll be thinking of you this afternoon.

Actually, I might as well tell you, I think I'm going to be joining you

After everything, my boyfriend ducked out of coming with me on Sunday. We went out on Saturday night - he came to see me performing.

But it just brought everything back to me. How his ex girlfriends have all been sexy and gorgeous and exciting, and I'm just not. He said he had a lovely time and that he's never done anything like that before... but there's something that's just not right.

He was quite dismissive about not going on sunday and just said, "Hm, I don't think I'll go." and when I said that my family would be expecting him now and wonder why he hadn't gone, he just said, "I think it will be better if you go alone." He made some noises about it being a family thing and my niece would want to spend time with me, blah blah nonsense.

As it happens, what I predicted it would be like is exactly what it was like. My brother was the dutiful host, but ignored me because I'm his sister. My children were bored. Everyone else knew each other and chatted. Other than a bit of small talk, I spent nearly 3 hours sitting on my own

You know all the good stuff, but I just don't think he's sufficiently interested. I feel insecure, anxious and unattractive. And this whole thing is just stagnating. He says he wants a future but there doesn't seem to be any effort on his part to achieve it.

If I flirt with him he ignores it, whether it's via email/text or in person. To begin with he just said it made him feel uncomfortable, but I'm starting to think it has more to do with the fact he just doesn't fancy me.

If I send him a longish (3 or 4 short paragraph) email, he'll reply with one sentence. And that will be it. I emailed him at about 6pm on Monday to say, "Have a good evening xxx" He replied at 1.00am to say, "Had a great evening, thanks ;-) " Nice. I have no idea what to make of it.

It's making me feel like shit.

I beginning to feel I have more meaningful contact with my exhusband than I do with him.

Not sure whether some of it is my insecurities, some of it is my prejudices, some of it is my... whatever... but it's starting to destroy the little self esteem/confidence I'd started to build up. I don't think he means it to. But I think he's running a parallel life. I can't think of any reason he'd want so little contact/communication with his girlfriend...

Jarlin I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, too.

I'm not surprised he replied, either. The thing is, I think it's quite telling. If a man ends it with a woman, whatever reaction she has, I can't imagine it's very often, "I'm not letting you go that easily"

Sounds like he doesn't really think you have the right to end it!

Surely, he doesn't have a choice in it. He's not 'letting you go', you're walking away. You told him you weren't happy and the first chance he got to show you that he was making a more concerted effort, well, he didn't.

(I hope I don't sound harsh, I'm talking to myself as much as you here [sad smile])

Folk it all sounds very strange!! Why wouldn't he want to meet your extended family and spend the day with you?? Yet only the other week he was proclaiming his love etc etc....I think in this case actions speak louder than words. If someone wants to be with you - they will be!! They will make the effort. What are you going to do?

Jarlin I think this is his last chance. Again actions speak louder than words! He needs to make an effort!

We are the prize ladies!! (and men)

Well I think he will claim that it was a 'family' thing; he will claim that he doesn't feel comfortable meeting new people; he will claim that he had stuff to do at home before work on Monday...

He told me he had to be back in his home town for the last bus to his house at 8. But then I ended up dropping him off at the train station by me at 10am.

I think he likes the idea of me more than he actually likes me, if I'm honest.

I think I have to end it. It's not just this. I'm beginning to doubt the sincerity of his feelings and his faithfulness.

Like I said, I don't know if it's just my insecurities talking, but I'm sitting here now feeling like a big, ugly, disgusting, lump of a human being. And I don't want to feel like that.

I think I want to be single and have nothing to do with anyone ever again. That's what I think I want to do.

FolkGirl, I'm really sorry to hear about Sunday. It feels strange to me that he didn't want to go with you, especially as you'd had all the difficulties with your brother about him going - and then in the end he didn't after all! That would make me feel quite fed up, as would sitting all by myself when he could and should have been there with me.

But as Louby says, it does sound strange, as from other things you've said it sounds as if he's very keen on you and wants the two of you to get even closer and see each other more. Did you tell him you were disappointed about him not going on Sunday and if so how did he react?

The lack of contact also sounds strange. Is he just very busy? (But then he doesn't have children, does he, and so surely should have time for more than a one-sentence e-mail). I think communication (especially when you can't see each other as much as you'd like) is so important.

I can't help feeling it's nothing to do with him not finding you attractive or fancying you, but I can see why it's getting you down and affecting your confidence.

Are you going to talk to him about it?

Cross-posted with your last post ... oh Folk, please don't feel like that. I've been lurking for a while before I started posting again, and you seemed to have come so far. It's just not right that you should be sitting feeling like that about yourself. Relationships should make you feel better about yourself, not worse. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I think it's obvious to anyone on here how articulate, empathetic, etc etc you are, and you don't deserve to feel like this. Are there other things making you doubt his sincerity? Have you been in touch with him since Sunday apart from that short text he sent?

Thanks cat

I'm seeing him the weekend after next. He doesn't like talking/communicating by email (he says) but neither of us like talking via phone. I've suggested skype, but he doesn't like that either (claims he only uses it with one friend... but I don't think I believe him).

We're supposed to be going away. He seems quite keen on it. I think he only sees the point in communication when we have something to say. So just chit chat is a bit pointless. He'll email a lot when he has something to say.

I don't think he is very busy. Or at least he tells me he's not. In fact, if I am to believe everything he says, he spends most evenings in on his own, watching films... but again. I just don't know. He says he did his going out, partying, etc when he was younger and now just wants a really quiet life. But there's a quiet life and then there's solitary confinement, with no human interaction. Which is what he's suggesting he lives every evening.

And I'm not sure i believe him.

I didn't tell him I was disappointed. I just smiled and said that was fine. Idiot. I don't want him to know he's hurt me.

Sadly, I think it has everything to do with him not fancying me or finding me attractive. There's just something that's not... right.

No, cat not been in touch in any meaningful sense since Sunday. He emailed me yesterday to ask if he'd done/said something wrong because i was being quiet. I replied that I'd just been busy - first day of the school holidays and that... and that I'd had a headache. Then I heard nothing from him until 9pm when he just said, "hope your headache's gone".

He is busy at work, but it's the kind of job that ebbs and flows during the day. He has email access constantly.

There's nothing concrete that's making me doubt his sincerity. Just a very strong gut feeling... Very strong.

Oh Folk, how is he going to know how you truly feel if you don't tell him?? After all the shit your brother said to you about him going to the picnic then you don't admit to your bf how disappointed you were!!

You need to be honest with him!

I suppose last night when he replied about the headache, it had the sense of being a reply because he had to send one, rather than because he wanted to send one. Like he knew he should reply, but was having too much fun doing what he was doing to reply properly, so sent something so at least he'd done it...

It was actually, "Hope your feeling better and having fun with your friend x" (I had a friend round for the evening)

But he never tells me what he does in the evenings. Never. Unless I ask, when it's always, "just having a glass of wine and watching a film". What?Every night? In the summer? Bollocks.

I haven't heard from him today. But then I haven't emailed him today either.

If i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, I'd say he's probably guessed I'm a bit pissed off about sunday and is taking a cue from me as to how to react. He probably realises he's upset me and is giving me a bit of a wide berth...

If I'm not giving him the benefit of the doub, then he's not giving me a second thought and is busy flirting with the beautiful women in the office, and spending his evenings watching the beautiful women at the pub after work, and skyping and messaging women off the internet.

And I don't feature at all.

Folk, just a quick one as I'm off to pick my DC up from school. I can see why you're saying the stuff about him not finding you attractive, but if he didn't find you attractive, why would he be with you? No one's forcing him to. And (if I'm remembering correctly) didn't he take you abroad and introduce you to his family? (Apologies if I'm getting you muddled up with someone else). I honestly can't believe he'd be seeing you, want to go away with you the weekend after next, etc, if he doesn't fancy you.

I can understand from what you've said about your background why you'd feel like that, but it just doesn't make any sense to me. (I know that won't make it any less real to you, though).

Personally I'd tell him how I felt about Sunday. My motto is that if I don't tell my partner how I feel, they won't know, and therefore they can't put it right. (Although this may not be the best thing to do in a relationship, as it means I'm forever having discussions with the unfortunate person I'm seeing!) But I'd rather finish things with someone on the basis of something definite rather than something possible, if that makes sense. So if he knew you were upset and still didn't go on Sunday, that would say a lot to me. But if he remembered there were issues with your brother and genuinely thought he was making things easier for you by not going, that would be a completely difficult situation. Does that make sense?

Did you not want him to know he'd hurt you because it makes you feel vulnerable? Or because you didn't want to upset him (ie you thought he'd be upset if he knew he'd hurt you?)

Re the communication: that's hard. I think lots of chit chat, catching up with each other, etc, is essential, and personally I don't think I'd be happy without that in a relationship. If he's in on his own a lot, you'd think he'd want a lot of contact with you. Or is he quite a solitary person? (I need a certain amount of alone time, or I just don't function well).

OK, that wasn't that short after all, but I have to rush now, sorry.

Cat That was me who went abroad to stay with his family, yes

If I'm honest. I think he's with me because he feels like I'm the sort of person he should be with at this stage of his life.

But the bottom line is, I just don't think he fancies me. And I can't blame him. I don't think I would, either!

He must look at his ex girlfriends and look at me and wonder where it al went wrong

I didn't want him to know he'd hurt me because it would make me feel vulnerable.

I asked him about cheating last week. He told me that he's never cheated on any of his girlfriends, that he can't stand lying or liars. I already know it would be a deal breaker if I did it.

I'm not sure I'm worried about him cheating IRL. But I don't think he'd view cyber sexual relationships in the same way. IYSWIM.

Or maybe he was just lying about the whole thing!

the main thing is that I just don't think he fancies me and don't see how he could do.

Do you think he could be married or in a relationship with someone else folk girl?

folk I've been lurking on here for a while and have followed your story with your man and I really think you should talk to him too! If you don't explain about why you're dissapointed he didn't come to the party and talk to him about why he didn't want to come how will you know what he was/is really thinking? I'm sure I remember before you were having a wobble about him and you ended up having a proper talk and things improved. And didn't he say he loves you sincerely and deeply (or similar, I can't remember the exact words but I remember reading it and thinking oh wow, lucky Folk!!) Why would that change?You sound so lovely and you've always got such nice kind advice for other people on here. Don't feel down

Has his behaviour changed with the lack of texting or has he always been a bit quiet on texting? One guy I was seeing a while ago admitted that he just struggled to think of things to say. I think some people are just chatty and others not. Although I am a chatty person and it annoys the hell out of me waiting for a text and getting something short and sweet in response to a long message...