Dating thread 77

[neiljames77]

Just got in from my holiday and saw that 76 was full.

I enjoy both types of sex tbh. Casual sex I care less about what they think of me so I really let go and I'm probably more adventurous. But sex in a committed relationship is different entirely and not just about animalistic pleasure but more about the connection too.

Sock, I think from what we know about you and how you are second guessing yourself a lot, I would STRONGLY advise you remove Casual Dating from your profile.

For cynical me (and men that do OLD, casual means FB/ONS and NOTHING else)

I don't think ONS or FB is a positive environment for you to be in mentally to be honest. If you were more robust, you wouldn't be as self doubting as you appear to be, whatever it was that you did on your date wouldn't even warrant a mention here cos it wouldn't be an issue.

I think the possibility clearly IS there for a relationship, but you need to try to understand why you are putting out the impression that it's not serious, and not necessarily likely to be. I'm concerned that is out of insecurity and fear rather than a conscious decision.

I am of course no expert in this myself, what with the 'I'm not sure why i'm with you, it's easy' rejection after a year, when Mr RockGod was uncomfortable, i immediately thought it was him not fancying me and wahey, up went MY barriers. I gave up. Tis me all over. Out of fear of rejection I bottled it. I did say this to him tonight. He's had his own fair share of rejection so would retreat, hurt, in a similar fashion.

I'm not going to chase him. i have contacted him, I have said I'd see him again, and have made tentative plans for the weekend, even offering to offered to move plans on Monday if Sunday trains are rubbish. Up to him now.

watches phone compulsively

xpost sock is the reason for your anguish therefore, that you like this guy?

The thing I've learned with OD is that men will say/pretend anything for sex and then distance themselves after... I hate being so cynical!!
I've jumped into sex (so to speak!) quite quickly before and been dumped but I refuse to regret it, you're both adults and (hopefully!) getting something out of it.
Have exchanged some texts with Mr Nerdy-Beardy this week but not many, I've initiated a conversation this week & he replied quickly, I just get the impression he's not much of a texter? Friends are finding this odd, but as we all know, long, over-flirty, lovey-dovey texts aren't indicative of a genuine person are they???
We're supposed to be meeting up on an evening next week but how do I firm up the date without looking pushy? Should I wait for him now??

Absolutely Hissy. Once again you have got it spot on. It is the fear of rejection and falling for someone and then getting hurt that makes me nervous.

I've actually hidden my OLD profile because I'd decided to take a break from it all and Mr Tall would be my last first date for a while. I wasn't expecting to like him much so the fact that I do has brought on the fear.

I think the main reason I put casual dating on my profile is because I was unsure about what I wanted when I embarked on this. And what I want has changed since then too. I don't even know if I want a relationship for definite but I'm happy to get to know this guy better and see what develops.

Hm, maybe that explains it then louby.

I don't even feel safe or secure. I've never had a relationship where I felt that I was genuinely cared for so I've always felt that it was a pretence.

At least if there's no pretence there everyone knows where they stand...

I wasn't expecting to like him much so the fact that I do has brought on the fear.

You and I are in the same boat. budge over :)

i talked myself out of the relationship going any further before we even finished the date.

Gah! being single is easier isn't it? but it's a bit joyless at times. I have to recall why i'm doing this. It's because I don't want to hide from life.

I look around and I see people happy, engaged, married and growing old together and the decades of me being told I wasn't good enough makes me opt out of it all. I don't believe I'm entitled to be happy.

Feeling very hormonal vulnerable now.

I completely agree with everything you say Hissy.

That vulnerable feeling is horrible and not knowing what they're up to...

Off to meet Mr Teacher soon. Slightly nervous.

Very best of luck dont. Don't forget to do the toilet update if you get a chance .

hissy, I was talking myself out if it too trying to spot red flags. Wish I wasn't an over thinker sometimes, would be nice to just go with it. I wish I had some good advice as you've given me but I'm utterly useless myself!

Hoping you have a great night at the Meetup louby.

Hi, may I join you?

Did some OD last year and a bit this year, but getting bored with it. I'm in my 50s and meet lots of 'nice' men who mostly want to see me again, but they just don't do it for me - dull, dull, dull. So I rarely take it past the first date.

I'm just looking for some intelligent conversatio, humour, fun and a big dollop of spark and chemistry. Not much to ask, me thinks.

Anyway have decided to go through with the dates i have arranged for tonight (Mr Tubby) and one next week with Mr Intense, then I may jump on the sofa if that's okay with you all

Don't have a lovely evening with your three glasses! I hope he measures up to your expectations.

Single there does seem to be a bit of a rule of thumb on the OD sites that if you put "casual dating" or equivalent then it means up for some action. I had "dating but nothing serious" on my recent attempt at POF and the only bloke I fancied the look of wanted a relationship and challenged me on my status! He was genuinely looking for a relationship and I shall soon be out of the country for several months so we never even met! I guess that means there are decent men out there. There is also an understanding that even when a bloke says on his profile that he wants a relationship then there's a good chance he's just after a shag and has put that to reel you in. All of that said, sometimes two people meet and whatever there original intentions things evolve and a loving relationship does develop.

As for having sex on a first date or not, that's up to me, not him. If I want to have sex with him and he's a Mr Judgy-Pants about that then I wouldn't want a relationship with him. Imagine what else he will be judgmental about/disapproving of six months time the line. A long time ago I shagged a man the same night I met him at the pub. He married me. We were very very happy for six years and divorced because we grew apart. The 'perfect' divorce, to be honest - for those who know some of my backstory that was Husband No 1!.

My perspective on OLD:

OLD facilitates an introduction - nothing more, nothing less. It does not enable you to know someone until you actually meet. Until you meet you are getting to know a fictional character who might turn out to be like the real person and might not - the truth is they're somewhere in between usually but the bits you were really banking on being true seem to disappoint.

I think people are like diamonds, we are multi-faceted and, just like diamonds, when you look at a diamond you cannot see all of the facets, some are on the 'dark side of the moon' and the bit that makes it tough is that the facets that matter to each of us will differ so there's no formulaic approach that works in terms of making sure we see the facets we need to up front.

In a club/pub/at work you meet someone and you see some facets - those that are relevant to the role they're playing at the time. The facets you always see/hear in the old-fashioned context are the looks, the smile, the voice, the intonation etc. Maybe if you e-mail someone at work you even find out if they can spell but if you meet someone in a club or pub you have no clue on that score.

With OLD the only thing you have a reasonable idea of is their spelling and grammar; everything else is a bit of an act of faith Do they have teeth? Do they still have hair? Are their photos 10 years younger? Did they lie about their height? Are they actually funny/quick-witted/able to banter in the way you think they can?

Once that audition is passed then you move on to the next phase of the relationship which is getting past the 'exclusive' / 'are-they-still-on-line?' phase and then you have to find out about the unexplored facets which, if we haven't dumped him by this point, is normally where I fail miserably as I find out all the bits where I won't compromise and I become a stubborn cow and he decides I'm not the amazing woman that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. The anti-fairy tale bit...

No wonder OLD is something we can only take sporadically. It's exhausting.

I think OLD on a sporadic basis is the best idea, having hopes raised and dashed, being objectified by the idiots, rejected by others, and treated lie a commodity by some is shit.

There are (so i'm told) good guys out there. Apparently.

Still no reply to my text this morning, wondering if he'll call. Ball's in his court. Hate that. Waiting game. I'll not call again. Have done enough for now for someone i'm not even sure about.

Still have another very keen guy lined up for Monday

Crikey this thread moves fast!

Dont I hope the date goes well and look forward to your update :-)

Single, Hissy and Lottie is there room on the boat for me? I am really fearful of the current silence and wish I hadn't fallen so deep in such a short space of time. I haven't heard from him for 2 days now and am about to send a text. I am terrified he won't reply :-( I will be so upset if this is it...

Hand holding please :-/

Can i join this thread. Pl ignore the username I created it when I was in a better frame of mind. Well my pof fling ended last week after he told me he thought we had grown apart.
We were only together for 3 months so I don't understand how we could of grown apart so quick. I am a lone parent and had been single for six years previous so this was a big thing for me to get back on the dating game.
Thought we were getting on well,sex was great then out of the blue I get dumped.
Reading the threads here it seems impossible for a relationship to get past the six month stage with online dating.
I'm 35 now so would love to settle but it's so hard to keep a relationship going.

I'm quite new to the thread too but I'm sure anyone can join :) I am glad there is somewhere so nice to post about stuff.

Ok on glass number 3 now. Like him!!!

Did you hear back from him tishardlife?

It's a big boat! :)

No call :( how did I get to this :( after one week/date ffs? Maybe I should take that intensity as a red flag, it's not like it was with my last boyfriend. It should be easier than this.

I sent one more text, but think he's playing games now, so that is it. We said about sunday, if he doesn't help me plan it, then it's not happening. Still, i'll carry on with Monday plans (guy seems cute). Very keen. and i'll see what's what.

Right. I've made a decision. I think I'm going to cut contact with the guy I met last week. I have a feeling that he has issues and will fuck with my head if I get involved with him on any level.

I am not comfortable. So this can't be right can it? He seems overly fixated on the way I look. And he says 'I don't want to control you but I'd be jealous if you got involved with anyone else'. I don't see how he can possibly feel like this truly after only one date and the reality is he wants to get his hooks into me so that he can get what he wants out of me. My gut feeling is telling me to not get involved.

Lottie that just does not sound normal. I think your instincts are bang on.

Personally I would take "I don't want to control you but..." as a warning sign that he is telling you that that is exactly what he wants to do - by stealth.

He's very clever and I was swept away by his charisma. But I think gut instincts are there for a reason. And this combined with him telling me he wants me to dress up etc.