Dating thread 77

[neiljames77]

Just got in from my holiday and saw that 76 was full.

Yes I mean it could be anything and might not be an issue at all. He seems lovely. He's travelling to me, but is choosing a venue (which I like).

On another matter, why do some men seem to feel that addressing us as 'hunni' is going to go down well?

Lottie and 'babe' and 'princess' within first few messages. It's like no mate I'm not. I did tell one bloke the princess was a bit much. 'Hun' I don't mind so much.

I get 'Hun' quite a lot but I much prefer it to 'gorgeous' 'sexy' 'baby' etc. I love a disingenuous compliment so much .

Hissy much of what you have said has really resonated with me and given me much food for thought. Thank you for taking the time to post .

I feel really freaked out. I keep getting calls off a number I don't recognise but I haven't answered. I'm too scared to. I was harassed by an early boyfriend and had to get a restraining order out on him and this has dragged up all those old feelings of paranoia. I feel a bit 'unclean' and freaked out that I spent an evening with a man who clearly has massive issues. I just don't understand why he was so angry with me? It's not like I did something terrible to him. I only took my time to answer his texts and I had genuine reasons for doing so. He was telling me in one sentence that I'd lost a good man and then calling me names in the next. I just don't get it. Is it me?

Ok - I've got a question. I'm all over the place at the moment as my ex has been asking me to get back together. I don't think I want to but we've been spending time together just talking about things etc. I've found it all a bit stressful and this has sort of coincided with the fact that i met a bloke who I really have fallen for. It's been difficult with this guy as I've suspected he's a player but despite the odds we are going for date number three tomorrow. He's asked me to stay at his (I may or may not DTD depending on how we feel/things pan out but he knows about my ex and has said he understands that I will prob want to take it slow). Anyhow, my question is, though this guy and I really hit it off (hour and a half phone calls, loads of funny texts, really get each other's humour and are very sexually attracted to each other so far) he still goes on the dating site. It isn't that often but this eve, for example he was on it at the same time as texting me!!!! I had a go at him (trying to make a joke out of it) and he said he was just replying to a message but even so I feel a bit shit about him still looking on the site. For background we are actually meeting because I have pushed for a third date - I basically got really arsey with him last week and went all neurotic (so embarrassing) because he had been on the site and i'd seen him on there. I therefore have decided despite this to have another date with him so I've kind of 'made my bed' if you know what I mean. What do other people think about men going on dating sites when you are onto third date. I've read so many conflicting opinions and I am feeling soooo confused! PS: I know it sounds really dodgy about my ex but I have told him that I've met this bloke and he's aware that I'm kind of dating him. He cheated on me amongst other things so I think he knows he's not in a positon to get all arsey.

I think people don't delete their profiles just because it's so difficult to know how something will pan out in the early days. I would to say it means he's a player :).

No, I would say it DOESN'T MEAN he's a player.

No, sorry lottie, I don't just mean he still has his profile on the site. I mean I can see he's online on it. I know that people will say that that means I'm on it but i'm being a neurotic fool and checking whether he' s on it. He's only been on a bit now and then but I presume he's chatting to other women/a woman. There again - we did have this 'break' that I imposed for about the last 5 days...

I wouldn't like it knitted. Though my last boyfriend was still on the site looking up to date 2 and then he stopped.

Showed my friend Mr Teacher's text and she said he's totally joking about the tick.

That's the big difference between OD and RL isn't it?
I'm sure if I was in a bar and a woman was talking to me and asked for my number, then 10 minutes later, I saw her doing the same with another bloke, I wouldn't give her a second thought.

I think people still just log in as a habit though. I do it myself even though I've met someone I really like.

Knitted - I know how you feel but until you discuss being exclusive/DTD (in whichever order) you can't have any expectations - really you hardly know each other...thinking about this I realise again how men seem to enjoy this candy store aspect of OLD much more than women :(

I agree Lottie - I think it is just out if habit - bit like Facebook just going in to check. In RL I wouldn't dream of chatting to lots of men but OD I do because the rules are very different. If I've had the exclusive chat then obviously I wouldn't. I think it all can be over analysed as to why people go and check online.

Single - go with your gut reaction always. If it seems odd it probably is. I've not received and rude messages but I am late 40s so perhaps my age range of men 46 - 52 are slighty different. Again it isn't you - OD will attract oddbods! Just move on and keep going - there are nice men out there. Must be - there are nice men everywhere so they must be doing OD too!!

Knitted I agree with maripossa I user to go on to see if mr pof was on there but equally I still answered other messages too myself. It took mr pof nearly 2 weeks to get to the shall we go on a date bit so I wasn't putting all my eggs in one basket, I'd done that before.

So after about 4 dates and before we dtd I raised the exclusivity issue and he agreed immediately to do it. I did go back on pof once and seen he had been on after about a week but he answered that query and I believe him. I've now taken my profile off I don't know if he has as I've decided I just need to trust him and all I will want to do is check it all the time, which isn't going to help me or be honest. It's so hard to make yourself vulnerable again. And I'd decided if it didn't work with him I wouldn't be able to get straight back on it anyway, I'd be too hurt. Hope I made the right decision

Thanks so much, guys. I'm so glad I asked now. I was starting to feel like a complete idiot for saying I'd go to his tomorrow and that he must think I'm a right pushover. Who knows what he thinks or whether he's genuine but I can see that it's easy to keep going online just out of habit. He has said that he'd come off if we started 'seeing each other' by which I presume he means shagging!!! Anyway, I'm going to spend the night but not sleep with him so that I feel a bit more secure and then see how we are after that. Gawd - a few weeks ago I was so happy to be single - do you remember we were all giddy, don't?? Anyway, thanks for support - I love this thread.

So sorry, Singlesock - our posts crossed and I feel like I've stepped on your toes with your far more urgent post. He obviously has massive problems and it is definitely not you who is at fault. He is a tosser and you just have to try to forget about the little idiot (but I still think you should report him). Can you spend some time with close friends over next few days so you don't feel so shit? x

Aargh! He's been on the site loads now (like 10 or 15 mins broken up into 3 sessions in last hour or so). I can't help feeling like he's taking the piss! Am I over reacting again? He can't be that into me can he (he says he fancies me like mad, loves my humour etc etc)?

Knitted how do you know this though about how long he has been on etc?

Knitted - you have to stop checking up on him this way! No good can come of it & you must have wasted yr whole evening :(

Apart from anything else, you often show up as online after you log off so you can't know exactly...perhaps you need to have the 'exclusive' talk when you meet & meanwhile pls try not to overthink/check on him....

single my love i'm so sorry you're going through this, this isn't you, it really isn't!

Have your read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? If not, you should. Better now than when you were still early days out of your abusive relationship.

Switch the phone off, you don't need the hassle for now. Show that you're taking control.

My date went ok, very funny, I laughed a LOT, but I didn't fancy him. :( am I asking for too much? Am I supposed to feel a spark? Sparks usually worry me as i've seen where they lead before.

Guy 3, date 1 on Wednesday. Not holding out much hope for this one, but you never know.

I believe in sparks.

Knitted maybe he is looking to see if u are on? Maybe he is chatting to other women? Maybe he is thinking the same as u but doesn't want to count his chickens? Maybe he forgot to log out properly? I think u need to just ask him and see how u feel about his answer

Yes, I know I need to stop checking up on him!!! I will try not to look again and then hopefully will have a nice night tomorrow. God, I never realised how insecure I am.

Knitted I did just the same! Every evening! That's honestly part of why I deleted it. I've wanted to check again since and very nearly signed up again yesterday to make a fake account but stopped myself!

Most of us get like that knitted when we into someone but just try not to overthink it but I know it's hard I've done it myself

That's good that you have strong willpower and trust instincs, Minime - but also surely that means that you have no real grounds not to trust him? I mean if he was showing signs of losing interest (I know you've mentioned the lack of texts but sounds like that is the way he is??) then you'd be doing it so the fact that you're not sounds like you don't have real reason to be suspicous?

Knitted - you don't have grounds either - it's insecurity that makes you want to do it...I say this because I have been there too...it's part of learning how to manage oneself OLD but in the end its what happens in TO that matters....and even there it takes a long time to really know & trust someone...