Dating thread 77

[neiljames77]

Just got in from my holiday and saw that 76 was full.

Thanks mini . Just hope everything comes back clear. I was just about to text him back and he sent me an abusive message saying good luck trying to find someone who will take me on with my kids . I explained to him on the date that I don't like being texted so much but he obviously didn't listen .

Ha, I replied apologising for appearing as if I was ignoring him and wishing him luck in finding the right person and he said 'stop texting me'. A bit rich coming from someone who has text dozens of times before I've even replied . Bullet dodged me thinks. But this is partly why I'm just not into the whole OLD thing.

Oh, well I can get them to kiss me but I am absolutely clueless when it comes to talking about the relationship. I'm like one of those silent types. I share happy stuff and keep in all the bad. I am now reading how to "connect with your man on an emotional level" mmm, where to start.

Oh SingleSock I know some will say, just go, its just a few hours out of your life, and who knows what might happen. But I would say, that if you just aren't excited at the prospect of meeting someone, why bother. A nice glass of red, some lovely music, a soothing bath and a good book wins hands down. I hid my profile lots of times. I met Mr C on my third date but its been on/off like a roller coaster, sometimes me, sometimes him, and each time I have tried OD again. I just get fed up. I usually find the first two or three to make contact are the ones I see, the dregs show up later. Plus if you come off, go back on with new profile, you tend to get more hits. This way, you will get all the other newbies, and the most eager/confident, many more messages and a greater chance that one will interest you. I also found OKC best, more artistic, erudite and interesting men. The POF thing was full of meat heads.

I'm finding it tough because I don't know how to play it. I've already discovered that people are very different in person from how they come across by message so it's probably good to meet up quite quickly. But then I have so many dates arranged that I don't look forward to any of them and it feels odd to be talking to so many people at once. I know that this is the nature of the beast though so it's probably not for me after all. I'm also not enjoying people being abusive - I just don't get why people feel the need to be rude. I don't think I did anything wrong just because I wasn't texting him back straight away. We've been on one date FFS!

Singlesock he sounds like a right knob. What an idiot to say that about someone and their children. Best rid of him. I'd hide it for a while or take it off and start again as little said. First time I tried pof it was awful. Then made a new profile and was good. Lots of chat, only one date though, who is mr pof now, but had others in the pipeline.

He didn't just say that. He implied I had mental health issues and take lots of strange men around my children . One date! We went on one date. He doesn't even know me. So why has it got to me so much? I don't think I've thick enough skin for this and I'm not enjoying finding out how nasty some people are .

I've just cancelled my date Thursday and hidden my profile. I'm done with OLD for the time being. I'll try and keep updated with this thread though. Thanks everyone for all your help and advice .

Just got this off Mr FF:

Go f off back to your ex and I hope you get done over again mate!! ;-)

The last message I got was him asking not to contact him and I haven't. What do I do about him? Just ignore or report him? If so to whom?

Single sock - you could try reporting him to the website?
I haven't had quite this level of rudeness but do think people are only versions of themselves online -,in a way it's good you didn't waste time in RL finding out he was like this :)

He has my phone number so is sending this directly as texts. He must have blocked me on POF as I can't see him. I knew there was something odd about him.

God, SingleSock, what an utter arse - I am so glad you didn't see him again. What a tosser. I would definitely report him to the site - was it POF? I think they do act depending on the severity - maybe ban him?? He's obviously got massive issues and was pissed off because you are too 'together' for him and not desperate. The only good way to look at it is that you got off lightly. Report the tit!!!! So sorry you've had this to deal with x

Single I'm the last person to make recommendations in the OLD arena, truly, but when I see what you wrote about FootFetish (which in itself should ring some kind of bell, I wonder if your TwatDar is calibrated, but you are not listening to it.

So, Mr FootFetish. Really nice guy, extremely attractive but there was just something odd about him which I can't quite put my finger on. He wasn't very conversational either so I felt like I was making quite a lot of effort to start conversation topics. He did tell me that he was so pleased the date wasn't awkward

It started off with your gut feeling, right there and then.

THEN he texts you in the bathroom - which is odd at best.

Now this abuse by text. unacceptable, but tbh, the signs were there that he was weird already. Perhaps in your communications there were other clues?

Add this to MrFacebook, I am worried that there is a vulnerability here in your defense shield and that these clearly dysfunctional types are not being put off by your self confidence.

I was abused and to begin with it seemed like a homing signal to all control freaks and nutters in a 100 mile radius. As I grew in self confidence and stopped trying to please people i felt stronger and as a result these potential controllers just didn't come anywhere near me.

I'm not singling you out, I don't know your background or history and it is a very common situation, but you have had some spectacularly awful dates lately and I wonder if it's down to the vulnerability that they sense.

In the end, when the relationship with my previous boyf of a year tanked (OLD), I initially signed up again, but my heart really wasn't in it. In the end I took a year off dating, got myself mentally to a place where I said, I'm OK enough as I am, and as a good person, if you can't see that then you are not good enough for me.

Sure it's hard maintaining that line, and i do doubt myself, very much, but a good date could be in a bus shelter with the right person.

a good date listens and gives you space. If you are feeling jarred and jagged by their communication with you, then it's wrong. it's a red flag for you to ignore at your peril.

I am out tonight on another first date with the 2nd guy i've agreed to meet since signing up a week ago. Yes I feel a bit nervous, but there's only been text and email and we agreed to meet pretty fast, so there's no expectation or investment. we shall see.

Single, love, one more text from that prick and you need to call 101.

OK?

(((Hug)))

Single I would report him to the site too. Keep texts but absolutely do not reply. Can you block his number on your phone? Hope u are ok

Single - I'd still report to POF too & hopefully they will remove him
I agree with what someone said above about going with yr instincts if something seems odd...incl cutting a date very short if it doesn't feel right
This is just one guy & he isn't representative of OLD so don't let him put you off...and this has made you more circumspect about potential dates so unlikely to happen again :)

God, I'm in tears now .

Guy who I tried to cancel Thursday with has messaged to say he could have had his son if he'd know and still wants to go? He promises he wouldn't be nasty. Now I feel bad that I'm letting him down.

Hissy, you're absolutely right. I was in an abusive marriage for 12 years and he's still trying to control me. I've been single a year though and felt ready to date again. But I don't trust my judgement and I am a people pleaser so feel guilty for rejecting people when I know I shouldn't.

Can't believe I've let this idiot get to me but it's just the latest in a series of abusive messages I've received on POF. I'm truly shocked at how nasty people can be. I've been nothing but polite to this guy, I don't feel like I've done anything wrong and feel like I don't deserve this .

Oh single don't let him make you feel bad. He should have had his son then shouldn't he in the first place. That's absolutely not your fault. I think you have found all the idiots all in one go. Hopefully that is the last of them. But I'd give yourself some time off it. Even if only a week or so just chance to re group etc.

I agree go with your gut. If your gut says u don't want to go Thursday then don't go

I feel like I should go Thursday because I don't want to let this guy down but honestly, I don't want a relationship now anyway. I'd rather stay single forever than deal with this. I'm not getting any vibes from Thursday's guy but we've hardly chatted.

I've tried to report Mr FF but I can't because he's blocked me.

Singlesock - pls don't go Thursday just to oblige this guy! You told him nicely & in advance - you don't have to do more :)

Sweet Single it's OK, I felt the same a year after my abusive relationship had ended too. I had done the Freedom Programme, Group sessions and therapy. when I felt ready after a year, i wasn't, it took having to deal with a couple, one with the help of the police, to feel that I was strong enough to deal with whatever came. I think you have to grow a new skin, an abuser strips us of everything and makes us finely tuned to their wants and desires. our feelings are not valid in their eyes, so they cease to be come so in our own.

Let me tell you, you may be faking it for now, but you ARE strong enough. you did see this guy for what he IS, but you over-rode that and trusted him anyway.

That was your only mistake, to ignore what your gut was telling you.

Let me tell you that you ARE strong enough to OLD, but you have to find a way to believe it. WHen you realise that you can not only spot an arse, but rid yourself of him then you will know that whatever comes your way, you can deal with.

IMVHO it is this precise quality that will form effective twatshields. Until you have that inner knowledge there is a fear that these pricks pick up on (subconsciously too no doubt).

What have you done for yourself to heal the abuse? Have you done the FP? if not, that is your first step.

Know that abuse won't go, won't heal unless you deal with it. If you wait 20 years before dealing with it, rest assured that one day your body WILL make you deal with it. We're talking PTSD here, and I know of some that have had flashbacks after 30+ years of HAPPY marriage after abusive ones.

It's not you, it's something that happened to you. You can treat it and you can recover.

Here for you if you need me, eh?

The other thing to bear in mind that if you meet someone and feel comfortable, connected, ask yourself if you are connecting with your past. A non abusive guy will feel different, he won't sweep you off your feet so much, won't try so hard.

I was supposed to see the guy i'm seeing tonight LAST Wednesday. Due to MrRockGod, i rescheduled him. I actually questioned myself once I had done it, over and over in my head; 'MrRockGod pushed so hard, you changed your plans', (he didn't know about the other date) he rang and talked for hours (lives far from me).

I knew on a level that it was a red flag.

that said, with the whirlwind MrRockGod created, I doubt I would have given MrWednesday a full crack of the whip if i knew I had the RockGod still to come. On some level I rationalised it, and I had my doubts going into the date, but knew that I'd never have known had I not gone.

You don't owe Thursday guy anything. I agree with all above - you've given him notice, he shouldn't have cancelled his son for a complete stranger. Stay in and have a lovely relaxing evening or be with friends but look after yourself. You sound like you need to take the stress off yourself for a change.

Thank you all for your welcome. LBM that made me giggle. I'm so out of practice it's ridiculous. But I will try your suggestions when I next see him.

My type? Not sure tbh. I always end up with emotionally weak men so I am determined not to make that mistake again.

Do I fancy him? Yes. I think. It's been a loooong time since I had the energy to even think remotely about the opposite sex.

That's interesting hissy. I've been swept off my feet twice now and both times they were not good guys.

Don't go because you feel pressured singlesock. You are allowed to change your mind.

My friend commented today that my mood is constantly up and down and she is worried about me. I'm a little worried about me too, I don't feel quite right.

I do have a date on Friday with a nice guy. It's slightly odd that he has the same name and abbreviation as my ex (who broke my heart) and is exactly the same height. But hopefully I can get over that if I like him.

There are thoughts in my head that I don't like but I'm trying to plod on.