Hello everyone. Just dipping my toe into OLD after a long time on my own (nearly 3 years). It all feels rather weird. I'm stuck between the 'one life live it' mantra and the 'really, can I be bothered with it all' feeling.
I lost my eldest son in February after caring for him for 2 and a half years. That is difficult when meeting new people and they inevitably ask how many children have you got. Also anyone I meet now will never have met my eldest son and I am struggling with this aspect.
My first exH and I split years ago, now on very good terms, love his new partner and we all came together as one to help my eldest son through his illness. My second exH checked out of the marriage when eldest son was diagnosed as 'it wasn't in his plan to have a terminally ill step-child'.
I am supremely capable of living on my own, friends would say I am hugely confident (and I am), I never let being single get in my way of doing the things I want to do. And yet I have very low self esteem with men. I seem to go out of my way to get them to like me (this is going back years now) and don't really get to know the real them. I think I convince myself that they are better than they are because I am grateful if they like me iyswim.
At 40 something now I am trying to approach this new stage in my life with the benefit if maturity and very harsh life experience. But I am very wary of slipping into old habits. I am trying to see the differences between something that could be lighthearted fun, something that could be more or those that are just after a quick shag.
I have had three dates with a man, all during the day, all involving a long walk and lunch at a pub. First 'date' was two hours long, second 4 hours and Saturdays was 6 hours. We talk easily, laugh easily and there is no awkward moments. He know about my son. I like him very much. There has been no holding hands, kisses (apart from cheek kisses on greeting and leaving). I'm glad that it is going slowly but I have no idea how you progress it to the next stage, if there is going to be a next stage.
To keep my head and heart level I am having a coffee date with another man tomorrow. Feels weird as I have never done this sort if thing. But as nothing has as yet developed with first man I don't want to get too involved if he is not that interested.
Just wanted to write it all down really as I don't want anyone in RL to know just yet (except for one friend who has all details for safety measures).
Sorry for the very long introduction.