Dating thread 77

[neiljames77]

Just got in from my holiday and saw that 76 was full.

Hi all

I've been keeping up with the thread over the last few days, just not felt up to posting.

single it sounds to me like he thought it would be a nice little surprise for you - to get an unexpected text. I suspect he was intending to be sweet. I'd give it another go.

dont I can't see myself ever living with someone again or being a 'family' with someone else. But that's not because I have concerns about someone 'taking on' me and my children. I think the fact I have children is the least of my worries!

In my news.

I'm going over next week, but we chatted on email on Wed night. He said other things too, but...

He told me he thinks I'm attractive and have a beautiful figure as well as personality/character stuff, but I'm not so bothered about that because I think my personality is ok.

I'd asked him to be honest, so he did say he thought I'd be happier if I lost a little bit of weight (he's right, I would). He said that mainly it's because he put on a bit of weight a few years ago and he knows how much better he felt when he lost it again. But he said it isn't that important to him; he loves me and just wants me to feel good about myself. He said that if I did lose some, not to lose too much because he thinks my curves are pretty sexy... (they're not)

so I started to feel a little better.

Then I didn't hear from him on Friday after a good morning text. I sent him a bit of a cheeky/saucy text that he didn't respond to. He's away this weekend with some friends. I didn't hear from him again. He texted me at 3am this morning to wish me good night, say he was having a great time, tell me he missed me and had bought me a present.

I don't expect lots of texts if he's with his friends having fun. That would be a bit weird. But in my head, he text me at 3am from another woman's bed after spending the night in a lap dancing club...

I'm torn between knowing whether I'm perservering with something that's just wrong for me, or whether I'm risking throwing away something completely normal and good because of how I feel about myself. I've told a couple of friends (male and female) who both think I'm overthinking massively.

I'm just tired of it all now

Louby, I'd say go for it! You never know until you've tried. I was really body conscious before I broke the dry spell and also thought I couldn't enjoy casual sex. But now I don't care if I don't have the perfect body and I let go enough to really enjoy it. It's done wonders for my confidence and I am beginning to feel desirable again .

Louby I'd agree with Single. You should go for it if you like.

The stupid thing is, I'm confident enough for casual sex. NSA with no emotional involvement, I'm fine with that.

But within a relationship I'm crap. I have realised that the more someone else claims to feel for me, the worse I feel about myself.

Oh dear Folk, I feel for you so much because it's awful and exhausting to be questioning things so much. I remember feeling like this when I met STBXH. He wasn't nearly as kind as your DP sounds, but I really fell for him and then I struggled to trust him. I know my issue was lack of self confidence though. Is that something that affects you too?

I once read in a relationship book that the key to being able to trust someone is in trusting yourself that you will be ok if it does all go wrong. If I ever meet someone I want to settle down with, I think I would find it hard to trust after my H was a serial cheat but it helps to think that I've got through it before and I'm stronger and wiser for it.

Anyone got any advice on how I tell Mr FootFetish I don't want a second date? I think he's just presumed that we will be having one .

single just say that 'you're a lovely guy but I feel there isn't any chemistry there, I'm sure you'll meet the woman of your dreams soon, good luck with your dating'

That's usually my standard rejection speech lol!!

SingleSock, why not just tell him you are incompatible because you have ticklish feet I don't think I could take a man with a foot fetish seriously.

Jarlin, I hope all goes well for you and slow. It sounds like he has listened and panicked and now realises he needs to move things on. Sometimes men seem to need a push. Shame that they push us so much we don't have any choice but push back, its all so exhausting.

Folk, I really don't think I can say anything that will make you feel better, I so wish there was something. You seem like an amazing, empathic, caring and intelligent woman. Personally, I would rather a guy appreciated me for my personality. But alas, I am as dull as ditch water

This week, I have ditched the young one. I just can't, it would be a fun distraction but nothing else. He seems fine and his dad is fine now. I am talking to Mr Contradiction again. He "misses me, wants me" wants to spend more time together, and has started to talk in terms of "forever" I have missed him too. I feel very vulnerable and scared that this man is going to really break my heart. I run away but I can't stay away, neither can he. So, we shall see. I have decided to be more open, try to be more emotional (he says I am not good at this) speak my mind and try to trust him.

louby44 , I say go for it. Why not have some fun along the way. I agree with others, sometimes it can help to boost your confidence and NS can be quite liberating. You can swing from the chandeliers without worrying what he thinks.

Louby go for it if you want to. Life is too bloody short.

Oh folk been thinking about u and wondering how u were. From what you've posted I think the distance between u is a big part of this so it is such a gap in between seeing each other doubts creep in. I think your bf sounds genuine. Re the texting if that's how he has always been I would think nothing of it. It's if it alters. I do see why u find such gaps in between difficult as I would too. I also think if that's what he has said about your curves that's exactly what he thinks. Really wish I knew how to offer better advice.

That sounds difficult Folk. It sounds as if the issue is more to do with your feelings than the relationship, perhaps.

Went out last night, got v drunk and kissed a ridiculously good looking and charming man. He was gorgeous and extremely confident. There was loads of chemistry. He was a total player, so he wasn't looking for a relationship - but it was nice! I haven't had chemistry with anyone since Geeky.

Don't I'm glad about the chemistry feeling then. Sounds like a good night.

Jarlin maybe the heat is getting to us all!

SingleSock - Go on google images and find the mankiest, verruca infested, bunion and corn laden pair or feet you can find and tell him they're yours.
I'm sure he'll suggest that you're not the woman for him.

singlesock I know I would be fine if we split up. But I don't think I could take being cheated on again. I don't think I could cope with adding one more person to the list of people who could have loved me but didn't.

My boyfriend says he loves me, and he hasn't actually done anything wrong (that I know of).

But the longer we're together, the more I doubt his feelings for me, largely because I don't see how I could hold anyone's interest for that long.

So, no, LBM, I don't think there is anything you could say. I just feel so terribly sad and with an impending sense of dread. I know I should want someone to want me for my personality, but I know his ex girlfriends have been slim, toned, tanned, beautiful... It would be like, I don't know, Mick Jagger (he's not that old and is much better looking) suddenly dating someone short and pale who looked like they'd been moulded from soft dough (that is me). It just wouldn't make any sense.

Mini re: texting, that is how it's always been. I largely suspect he's a bit like Jarlin's slow. I just don't think he sees the point in pointless communication. I kind of agree. I can't be doing with it either. But I also think that a bit of chit chat or gentle flirting, just to let the other person know you're thinking of them, is good. He said to me the other day that I shouldn't assume that he's forgotten about me if he's having fun with his friends, that he hasn't forgotten and he still loves me even if he's having fun with someone else. I told him not to be daft and that I don't think that... except that that is exactly what I think. I think I'm worth so little that he could and would forget about me.

dont I think maybe you're right. Maybe it is me.

I was running a few thoughts together there, Jarlin. Not suggesting slow doesn't see the point in pointless communication, just in that he's quite, um, laid back and I feel like I always want more from him than he's giving.

Jarlin, I think that sounds good though. He is waiting to take his cue from you. I really don't think that can be a bad thing. I met Mr C at the start of Feb. Instant chemistry. He can best be described as hot and cold, when he is hot it's very intense, when he blows cold I feel very frozen out. I am starting to understand why and at least half the problem is with me. I am serious but aloof, I am intense in terms of needing an intellectual equal but then I am cool in terms of showing emotion, I am demanding but give little back...I offer nothing and want the moon. I took your advice and told him how I felt, then promptly threw it all away by losing the plot. I have apologised, he has accepted. I am truly very scared of my own feelings

FolkGirl no, no, it does make perfect sense. Imagine that for years you always ate white bread because you loved it, but it made you ill. You looked at the wholemeal but it just didn't appeal because you had spent years convincing yourself that white bread was your type of bread. Then one day you can't live with the bloody pain that is white bread and suddenly wholemeal looks enticing. What's more, you discover the wholemeal is better tasting and healthier and you wish you had tried it before.

Littleblue I'm loving the bread analogy

I can see that LBM. I really can. But, at the risk of being really annoying now...

What if all that were true, but you actually really wished you could still have white bread. Toasted and dripping with melted butter.

You might look at the wholemeal bread and know it's better for you. And admit it's tastier than you thought it was going to be. And, you might also realise that there are certain sandwich fillings that taste better on wholemeal than white... You even start extolling the virtues of wholemeal to those around you. But who are you really trying to convince?

Because secretly, and if you were honest with yourself, you'd actually rather that the white bread didn't make you feel ill and as much as you're happy to stick with the brown, you can't help but compare it to the white.

And after a while, you just stop thinking about eating white bread. But not because you've forgotten about it, just because it's not part of your life anymore. Until you're walking past the bakery in Sainsbury's one and and you smell the freshly baked bread, and a poppy seed bloomer catches your eye.

And even though you know you're going to regret it tomorrow, today, it feels like it's worth the risk...

I really fancy a bagel now

without sounding harsh... only you can sort yourself out folk .. I've loved following your story .. but to make any relationship work you have to relax! we can wonder and wonder and analyse, but sometimes you have to say feck it and go with the flow and if you can't cope with that then forget about him. before anyone has ago at me I'm not being horrible etc, but there comes a time where if the relationship is a total struggle and causes such upset , you have to walk away.

dippin I don't think you're being harsh at all. I think what you're saying is absolutely true.

I suppose I'm just scared that if I walk away from this one, then I'll walk away from the next, and the one after, assuming there are others! Or that maybe this could/should/would be something really amazing, if only I'd let it. And maybe my expectations are off kilter and have been skewed by the fact my husband was a Rescuer. And maybe this guy is just 'less' of that. Less intense, less obsessive, less needy, less EA... and I just don't recognise it.

I thought I'd really turned a corner. I was feeling so positive only a few weeks ago. But this is destroying me.

The truth is, every man is going to have been out with someone who was 'better' than me in some capacity or other and that's what I can't cope with. Because, in reality, being 'good enough' equates with being 'perfect' in my head. And so I can't imagine how I'll ever have a good relationship experience with anyone, because I'm never going to be perfect and I'm never going to be the best. It really is a case of, "it's not you, it's me".

I was the same at university. I agonised over every essay I wrote, or exam I took in much the same way. If I couldn't be certain it was going to be an A (and I obviously never could be) I was convinced I'd failed. So that was every essay and every exam for the whole 3 years... It was incredibly stressful. And then I got a first. Because, the truth is, they were mostly As. I got a couple of Bs and nothing less throughout my whole degree. But I never grew in confidence from it. It never got better.

I'm just so scared of not being good enough.

ok but if all these exes he had were fantastic he would still be with them ! Instead they have failed... when guys ask me my type , I say I don't know , as my type isn't right for me ! I am a huge worrier etc, but I have learnt to say feck it .. like me or hate me!! if he doesn't like you , he is investing alot of time with you to be a waste! I honestly think he loves you very much and loves you " warts and all " .. If you love him go for it... but if you are forever doubtful (we are all guilty of this to an extent) throw the towel in... I for one would love you and jarlin to have happy ending. . but if it tears you apart let it go xx

Folk as hard as it is we have to try and not compare ourselves to what has already been in relationships. And just think that for the relationship I am in now, at this point in our lives we are the best and the most right for each other. And that is why you are with your bf now. Hopefully it will last and will continue to grow. Be happy for the now as much as you can.

Folk, I totally understand the 'not feeling good enough' thing...I've got it as well even though most of my friends/family would say I am v confident. Deep down, and as soon as I meet a guy I really like, I launch into 'self-destruct' mode and f*ck things up. Please don't do anything rash. He sounds lovely and it sounds to me (obviously I don't know you , but just from what you've said) that you're going through a stage of low self-esteem. If you get through this it may well bring your relationship with him up to a stronger level yet. I just think if you can, straddle water for a while and listen properly to what he's saying to you. He's telling you he loves you.