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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 77

999 replies

neiljames77 · 20/07/2014 03:26

Just got in from my holiday and saw that 76 was full. Smile

OP posts:
Jarlin · 23/07/2014 18:00

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AndCatMakesThree · 23/07/2014 18:08

Folk, please talk to him! (Although I know it's hard if you can't talk on the phone).

It seems to me that it's possibly a case of miscommunication. Had he actually agreed to go to your niece's picnic and then he backed out at the last minute? Or was it more a situation where he knew the picnic was happening but hadn't committed to going and probably didn't think it mattered if he went or not?

Plus you said he e-mailed you to see if something was wrong - but you didn't tell him what was really wrong, just that you had a headache. It feels like he was trying to open the way for a discussion, but if you're not telling him what's really wrong, I don't know what he can do. (I'm not meaning to sound harsh - I've really struggled with telling people what's wrong in the past).

Also, it seems a massive jump from not hearing from him in the evenings as often as you'd like to assuming he's sexting other women.

I know you're worried what you'll hear if you talk to him - but if he's looking forward to going away with you soon, it seems unlikely he'll say anything that bad. Plus it's not as if you're feeling totally happy now and are worried about that happiness being shattered. You're sounding very unhappy, so wouldn't it be better to hear what he says and then at least you'll know what's going on?

AndCatMakesThree · 23/07/2014 18:20

Jarlin, that sounds like a good reply. Ultimately if he's going to make you change your view, he needs to change the way he's doing things quite a lot. And only he knows if he can/is prepared to do that.

As I think Folk said earlier, I think you (and I) like to make sure we've tried everything we can before giving up on a relationship. I kept giving things with Mr C another chance, and only finally gave up when I felt I'd tried everything and was 99.9% sure things would never work out between us.

I'm glad Slow came back to you quickly though. What do you expect him to say in reply to your text?

BeforeAndAfter · 23/07/2014 18:52

Folk well, you know I've been the biggest fan of you and the boyfriend but now I'm really wondering. I do think you have a slightly shit translation tool so, for example, If I were hearing/reading signals I'd probably hear/read "You're terrific but not quite terrific enough" and you hear/read " Folk is fat and ugly but I'll pretend to want to be with her" (I don't for one moment think you are!) but whatever the translation glitch, the fact that you're receiving negative signals is probably less to do with you and more to do with you and he being incompatible on a crucial level.

I don't buy that he's sitting in playing Buddhist Monk every night. I suspect he's not sexting either if he's shown no inclination to do that with you but quite what he's doing I don't know but maybe that's not your problem anymore... Also, I lived and worked abroad for 6.5 years, two of my best friends are male and Italian (I don't recall where your chap is from) but language is no excuse - the wit and humour are there all the time, even with a bit of cute pronunciation.

I do think it's time to Stump, Pump and/or Dump:

Stump up the courage to actually talk to him properly (easier said than done);
Pump him for what he's really been doing (nigh on impossible to get the truth); and
Dump him if it doesn't make you feel any more secure.

I suspect your instincts that something's not right are spot on. I suspect your translation tool is leading you up the garden path.

Jarlin · 23/07/2014 18:56

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeforeAndAfter · 23/07/2014 18:58

Jarlin I'm secretly delighted that Slow wants to fight for you but I fear it might be less Musketeer and more Mouseketeer - is that really unfair???

At the end of the day if the only reason you've finished it is because he does not make time for you (and I totally agree with you) then maybe making him come and see you as soon as it suits you will end up with a positive outcome and you've woken him up. If you have other concerns around the relationship then maybe it should be over? Only you know deep down.

Jarlin · 23/07/2014 19:05

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeforeAndAfter · 23/07/2014 19:14

Bant it's lovely to see you back.

Jarlin · 23/07/2014 19:25

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MustTryDating · 23/07/2014 19:36

Hello everyone

I am new to this and trying OLD - just trying to figure it all out.

Would you be able to help if I ask a few questions on how to get started?

Minime85 · 23/07/2014 19:37

Oh folk I'm sorry you are having a rubbish time. I really wish I had something useful to offer. I am so disappointed for you that he didn't come to the party with you. That would certainly have hurt me. I think you need to say that to him. And he needs to recognise it.

Jarlin I've tried to catch up with where slow is re replying. I hope he does fight for you I really do Thanks

MustTryDating · 23/07/2014 19:39

Best I put one here as an example I guess

I wouldn't usually ever really lie about my age - but I know I look younger than I am and think my age would put people off - would you always display your real age on site?

gigglygirlygirl · 23/07/2014 19:45

Musttrydating I made sure that my profile was totally honest.

Jarlin It sounds like he still wants to be with you but I guess how he acts next (if he makes time to meet you etc.) will prove it.

Folkgirl I don't know what to say! All those lovely things he said to you and how you really seemed to be blossoming in self confidence ... I hope that you can talk to him and sort everything out.

Do you think that men want to know your insecurities? I haven't told my BF about my doubts/insecurities and I don't know if he is better not knowing or if it is unfair to be holding it back.

BeforeAndAfter · 23/07/2014 19:45

Hello MustTry I guess it depends on what you're looking for... if you hope for want some good sex and that's it and anything else is a bonus then lie your heart out and hope for the best when you come clean.

If you really hanker for a relationship and, when he turns out to be a victim of 'sweet trolley syndrome' or is actually 55 to his stated 65 and you want to hold the higher/moral ground then don't lie.

FolkGirl · 23/07/2014 19:50

I've emailed him and said there are a few things I'd really like to talk with him about.

I've suggested I go over one evening next week when the children are with their dad.

I don't think he'll object, but if he does, then I think I've got my answer anyway.

I think you're right Before. My translation tool might need recalibrating, but there's something not quite right...

Even if it is just that we are fundamentally incompatible. Sad

Either way, I can't go on like this.

BeforeAndAfter · 23/07/2014 19:54

MustTry to be totally transparent, when I was 45/46 and doing OLD I advertised myself as in the "up to 39" bucket. I looked the part but I only wanted sex. Nothing more, nothing less. I did not delude myself or anyone else. A lot of women come on here and try and brazen out being FuckBuddy material but they're not. They delude themselves that if they snuggle up to him that little bit closer, flutter their eyelashes in a certain way and have a sleepover resulting in gorgeous sleepy morning sex then the man will fall deeply in love. For the most part, the men won't.

FolkGirl · 23/07/2014 19:57

giggly I have no idea if he wants to know my insecurities or not. He's told me I'm to talk to him and not worry myself about things.

He has said some really lovely things to me. I hope they're true.

But I'm just not buying it that he sits in every night and doesn't communicate with another soul.

I don't want to accuse him of anything, but I'm going to end up finishing with him if I don't get it sorted out.

So my choices are:

Talk to him - I feel reassured and everything is ok.
Talk to him - I don't feel reassured and I end it
Talk to him - I piss him off with my insecurities and he ends it
Don't talk to him - I can't take it and end it
Don't talk to him - I become increasingly hostile towards him, ignore him and he ends it

So there aren't really many choices and the only option that has a positive outcome is talking to him.

BeforeAndAfter · 23/07/2014 20:06

Folk as you know I walked out on the greatest love of my life in March - when I say that I truly do not exaggerate. Something wasn't right. He was sooooo articulate and he assured me with the most exquisite words that I was deluded. I didn't feel unworthy, fat or unattractive, I just didn't feel that he was as into me as I was into him - his behaviour told me that, contrary to his words.

I had moved from London to Scotland to be with him and my leaving him was not easy. Within four weeks of my departure he was back with his ex... Four weeks... Now we can all say that he fancied some sex etc but whatever the reason for them now being together, I didn't fire all four of his cylinders and I felt that. I don't do second best. Never have done and never will. End of. Don't get me wrong, it's bloody hard to sit here and miss him like I do. But I do it because in the end it's the right thing for me.

BeforeAndAfter · 23/07/2014 20:16

Folk you definitely do have to talk to him. I'm pretty much all opinioned out here but... when you do talk to him, say it all, let it pour out. Don't hold back.

I suspect that your idea of firing four barrels at someone may well be a tiny hiccough from the basement that most continentals wouldn't notice. Remember, I'm half French, I truly get this 'Brits skirting round the houses' versus the Europeans punching you in the face with their directness.

It may just be that he's not hearing the message you think you're conveying. Use body language, use facial expressions and tone (I'm not saying you don't but I've never heard or seen you communicate). For some Europeans it's the only way they get the WHOLE message you're trying to convey.

MustTryDating · 23/07/2014 20:21

Thanks for the replies. I suppose I'd been thinking that no-one would be interested in me at all if I gave my real age and that my quest would fail. Or that I would only get older guys when I have a sense that someone about five years younger than me would be right (based upon recent experience).

I'm 53 - it just seems so old for OLD and as I'm quite worried about the whole thing anyway I didn't want a bad start.

I'm certainly not just looking for sex - I can't do the FuckBuddy thing.

I guess I'd better just launch in somehow (terrified) and see what happens.

Minime85 · 23/07/2014 20:32

Folk you need to talk to him or you'll never know. You have to say the truth and what's in your heart. If it isn't right for him then as hard as it will be maybe he wasn't the right one for you. You deserve to feel secure and safe and treasured

BeforeAndAfter · 23/07/2014 20:32

MustTry a lot of the men who advertise themselves as 55 seem to be about are 65! That's no excuse for you to porkie-pie though. Just look for teeth in a photo!

I had a first date Sunday lunch in a swanky Mayfair restaurant. I ordered roast beef and so did he. I promise you he did not touch his beef; who can chew beef without teeth? He did smile but in a way that did not show his teeth. I swear he had no teeth - his gums had that sort of toothless curl - you know what I mean, don't you? He claimed to be early 50s - no bloody way. When I looked at his photos post-date there was not one pearly-white in sight. Honestly, look for teeth in photos - for me now it's elementary dear Watson.

SingleSock · 23/07/2014 20:41

Quick toilet update: I'm on date with Mr lmfao and I bow to your superior knowledge! He's not what I was expecting :( Not sure what to do now :( He's a nice guy but not for me.

BeforeAndAfter · 23/07/2014 20:47

SingleSock - I've been there.

Just take a deep breath and be honest. Say: "I'm really sorry but you're not the one for me". If he asks if your feelings can change (my one asked) just say: "no". Don't let him walk you home/to your bus stop or, if he walks you to a cab, don't let him hear where you live. Be honest, direct (but don't be nasty) and leave in a way that won't let him see where you're going. Even if you have to hail a cab and go for just a mile to get to the next bus stop/tube without him knowing.

Good luck and stay safe!

TalisaMaegyr · 23/07/2014 20:52

Oh no! I had high hopes for tonight Single Sad

What's wrong with him? He really makes you laugh!