Dating thread 77

[neiljames77]

Just got in from my holiday and saw that 76 was full.

It sounded like you would really hit it off in person singlesock but I guess you never know until you meet.

Thank you Before.

I will try to just be direct and use 'total communication'. I can't drive all that way and then spend the evening skirting around the issue and come away without it being resolved. I suppose I'm just scared of him being completely honest with me and unintentionally destroying my already fragile sense of self completely.

I don't think I'd ever recover from that.

I'll just have to hope I can be as strong as you if the need arises. He had invited me to go back to stay with his mum again this summer - I can't go because the dates he needed to go and the dates I could go didn't coincide And we're going away for the weekend in a couple of weeks.

I think there's just a bit of me that does think he wants to fancy/like/love me more than he really does.

thanks Before ...

good luck FolkGirl ... really hope it works out ..

My foray into tinder was to distract myself from
Mr runner.
It worked for a couple of weeksHad a great date. My first
And probably will be v hard to have such another good one. But distance and logistics will never put us together.
We've said see you in a few months if it works.
But otherwise see ya.

Gah.

I'm enjoying getting to know you all by the way.

folk I am an occasional lurker following some help you all gave me in the earl days of my OLD a few week / threads back

As a mid 40s bloke whose marriage came to an end through lack of communication, leading to straying on her part I can only re-enforce what others are saying - talk to him - and do it in words of one syllable slowly

Chances are he just doesn't understand you are not happy - and if you tell him he may understand - it's not about changing him - it's about him understanding so he can make small changes to accommodate

Am going back to lurking as checking in here is helping me try to think about what my new ... Erm... Lady friend (still not sure of proper term) may be thinking

Best of luck

Oh Folk I'm not strong. I'm broken but in a different way from you. I have self esteem and self worth by the bucketful. It makes me arrogant and aloof. I've spent my life dragging my arrogance towards some sort of normality. I tend to be in a minority though because most people who seek help/assurance/reassurance are from the opposite side of the 'broken' spectrum than me which can be very isolating...

Folk longtime lurker here who has been following your relationship with your boyfriend.

I'm glad you're going to see him, but its time for more honesty and you need to risk the possibility that he might hurt you: "Yes, Folk. I regard you as an ugly hag," might be his reply when you ask him about the beauty issue...but I don't think it will be somehow. This is more about how you feel about you, than how he feels about you me thinks.

And some people do stay in each evening quite happily, I'm one of them. I think your imagination is running away with you with the sexting theory.

Hi all. I'm back from my date.

By text he was really funny and I guess I ended up building an image of him in my mind. He was very different in person so I thought I would give him a chance. He ended up dropping himself in it a bit by admitting he purposefully didn't load a profile picture on his POF profile (he'd originally told me it was created in a rush) and that he'd actually met someone before from it (which is fine except he told me that he hadn't met anyone else).

However, the absolute nail in the coffin was that he admitted he had found me on Facebook by using the info I gave him about myself (like school etc). So now he knows my surname (I hadn't given it to him) and has seen pictures of my children (when I had refused to even tell him their names). My Facebook has the top privacy settings but he could see all my profile pictures which I will now delete. I feel a sense of violation and like he's massively breached my privacy which was wholly unnecessary particularly as he was at an advantage given that I didn't even know what he looked like!

I feel so foolish. You all warned me that this would happen but I felt such a connection with him I hoped he would be different. This has really put me off OLD. Just feel like coming off now . I am so stupid and naive.

SingleSock - that's really creepy. Did you just walk out on him or tell him how totally unacceptable that is?

Oh single, that's not good. I admit that I did 'research' the men I met first, but if I'd found their facebook page I didn't look at that (even if they were 'public') because it just felt like an intrusion. I did it just to make sure I didn't turn up a dodgy newpaper article about them, or to see if I could verify that they were who they said they were...

Oh and I only ever did it using their full name in the full (unspoken) knowledge that we'd be doing it about each other.

I think using other info is just a bit creepy.

Listen, don't be put off and you don't need to feel foolish. We've all had an OD experience that has made us better ODaters in the future... Believe me! It's a learning curve because I didn't take How to Online Date 101 at university either. He's just one man. You're never going to see him again.

I was always really mindful that with the knowledge of my postcode and my children's names and ages, any man I spoke to could, in theory, turn up at school and attempt to make contact with them, or watch for me picking them up and try and collect them... but only after I'd told someone my children's names and ages and he pointed it out to me.

I gave very little personal information out before I'd met someone after that!

And people were only able to warn you it could happen because similar has happened to them, or to someone else on here, and we have collectively taken on board each other's lessons learned.

I think a woman, especially a single mum, is entirely justified in checking everything they can about a bloke.
A man snooping on a woman's personal info just seems sinister.

Excuse me, crashing in.

Before I start SingleSock, that's so wrong! I suppose at least he told you so you do know how extreme he is. that wouldn't bode well.

Did you see a photo before you met? Apologies, have not had time yet to read back.

I had a 1st date myself last night. It's dodgy if he doesn't meet much eye contact, right? I really wanted to like him, but I got the impression he wasn't all that interested, even though at the end of the date said he was, and that he did fancy me. And did want to see me again.

Was the fact that we were both in a town neither one of us was familiar with significant?

I feel less inclined to see him again this morning than I did last night.

Have other dates with others planned for next week.

I agree with Neil - google the hell out of them. I've known cases mentioned on here where people have found potential dates to be drug addicts, have convictions for violent offences, alcoholics..

I've mentioned before - more than one third of men using dating sites are already married. Many will lie about their age (I went on a date last year where are 43 year old woman had claimed to be 35 and I called things off partly because of that, and partly because she refused to believe I'd actually been honest about my age until I showed her my driving license to prove it)

You can find information about the man which can keep you safe, and make sure you're not disclosing too much information about yourself either - google yourself. Facebook search yourself as a non-contact to see what info is publicly available. Image search their profile photo.

Don't give out too much personal information in OD conversations until you've met the person. And also, this forum is public. Don't say too much here either. Anyone can see it.

Single, I don't understand. If your FB settings are tight, nobody can find you on a search

I don't think it's particularly creepy though, I bet there are loads of women that have looked for potential dates on FB and google.

Sorry it didn't work out though, it's a shame, you seemed like you were really going to get on.

I guess I wasn't all that sensible with OD. I met my BF in person about 5 days after the first message and we added each other on Facebook before meeting. It didn't even occur to me not to but I don't think I would do the same again.

Thanks everyone. I had some really horrible dreams about this last night which shows how much it's got to me.

In ordinary circumstances, I would have been ok with a Facebook search. In fact, if I ever exchanged surnames with someone I'd fully expect it. The fact is in this case that the power balance was unequal from the start because he wanted it to be a blind date and therefore kept information back that would enable me to search for him. He showed me photos but with his face blanked out. At one point he offered to send me a photo and I said yes but he talked me out of it.

We had talked about quite a lot of things over the few days we were texting. He told me that he was really funny about privacy so I naively thought he'd respect mine. He also asked me my DC's names and I refused to give those to him so he should have understood about me not wanting him to search my Facebook. I assumed the privacy on Facebook was as tight as I could get it but clearly not.

He told me about this quite early into the date and I made my feelings on it clear but he was evasive about my questions concerning this. Then at the end of the date he told me more about this and coupled with the fact that he'd dropped other lies in during the evening, I told him I wasn't happy. He's texted me to apologise but I've ignored.

Now, I was having a convo with a nice guy a few days ago but never replied to his last message. What's the protocol for picking up conversations when a few days have lapsed?

single I picked up after a few days a few of times.

I was chatting to my boyfriend for about a week before it trailed off. I'd been talking to someone else and had a date and so had he. But then that didn't work out and I thought, well why not? And so messaged him again.

You can say whatever you want. You can open it with a "long time no speak ;-) How are you?" something like that.

But it's fine. Everyone knows the rules. They all know it's happening.

If you meet someone you click with it doesn't really matter who else you've been chatting to/have dated/how it happened. The rules are slightly different to RL. Which isn't always a good thing. But then it isn't always a bad thing either...

First post here..
The guy I've been seeing (long distance) was really ill on our last date (date number 3) so we just ended up hanging out in my hotel and watched the football. This was about 3 weeks ago.
We've been speaking since but he's got quieter and quieter so I messaged him inviting to see each other Friday and he's replied he's not well at all, has been off work and doesn't think I should come down anymore given the circumstances. I'm absolutely gutted! We've not spoken in a couple of days now.. beginning to think it's all done.
Shame really as he was really nice!

Well what an absolute disaster my 5th date with Mr VERY Keen was.

On a Tuesday evening I go to a zumba class, I'd mentioned to him that my fave flowers are lillies and when I got back from zumba there were some lillies on my back step. I couldn't decide whether it was a nice gesture or not??

So date last night, at his house, he'd cooked a meal and I was planning on staying! He'd gone to a lot of trouble. He was very nervous.

When I pulled my chair out there was a gift on it (a teddy in a gift bag) that freaked me out a bit!

So after tea we went for a walk and he told me how wonderful he thought I was,how grounded and beautiful and said he felt like he was falling for me!!! After FIVE dates!!! He told me I was the only woman he'd ever opened up to and do believe he meant that!

It just all felt wrong. When we got back I went to the toilet and I looked in his bedroom, he'd put like a wind chime thing on the pillow (tag attached) saying 'You & Me'.

I felt completley overwhelmed. Luckily I'd only had 2 small glasses of wine so I could drive home. I told him he was being far, far too eager. I think he knew that he'd over stepped the mark. So I said I didn't think that it was going to work as I felt a lot of pressure from him.

That's when he started to cry!!! It was awful. I felt such a bitch. He practically begged me to give him another chance and when I stood up to leave he clung onto me - I didn't think he was going to let me go at one point.

I came home (he'd text me) and slept better than I have since I met him. Woke up this morning and he'd text me again. I've replied briefly saying sorry etc but am leaving it at that!

I'm still in shock!!

And my other doubts about him include:

• he's not intelligent enough for me
• he's not sophisticated enough for me
• he's got awful table manners

But I did fancy him, he's a great kisser, very passionate, a good listener.

But not for me!

oh wow louby !!! Thank goodness you were able to drive home!

Oh wow louby that's very full on. I think you were right to leave by the sound of it. Gosh.

Wow Louby! You were right to be freaked!!! Even after five dates that's just too much. They say women can be over keen....jeez

Feel a bit sorry for him too bless him

Bloody hell, Louby, lucky escape. What a waste of that leg wax.... STill at least you found out before you got sucked in too far x