Who's Desperate and Awful Now....Story of My Divorce from Mr WT...Part 2....

[MrsC1969HJ]

Having reached a 1000 posts, I can hardly believe we are moving onto Thread 2...I have had the most amazing ongoing support from so many and I will always be eternally grateful. Link to Thread 1 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2030270-PLEASE-HELP-DESPERATE-AND-AWFUL-DIVORCE?

MrsC, I know you said to me before that you suspect your husband is on the spectrum and Im wondering how much of these goings on can be attributed to a spectrum thought process. Keep in mind Im not saying he's being a bastard because he's Autistic, but having a son who's on the spectrum at the most severe end, as well as extended family members who are HF, Im wondering just what your husbands ASD could be contributing to his thought process and actions. Im also wondering if the OW now realises your husband could be on the spectrum and she's taken control of things because she's perhaps thinking - well stuff this for a game of soldiers, god knows what he'll get us into next.

Its something Ive been thinking about for a while.

Morning Weebirdie (I am not going to shorten your name to "wee", that would be rude!). H has acknowledged that he may be on spectrum, it was some time ago, but he did say it was a "possibility". I suspect it explains a lot actually, not excusing him in any way, but his thought processes are so skewed and utterly irrational, it makes sense. His Dad said to me that he had been looking into this quite a lot and we all definitely believe there is something very amiss. I think it's doubtful that OW would acknowledge that there was an "issue" because she couldn't even do that for her own son. I just think she is a total control freak and it is something H had a minor moan about to an ex-friend in the early days of them living together. Let's be right, they have both landed themselves in a huge pile of crap haven't they? They are a totally toxic mix. My husband also suffers from OCD in quite a big way, everything in extremes. It has been something I had to get used to throughout our marriage but was quite hard to live with. Ultimately, it is always going to be a problem and I doubt he will ever do anything about it. Thank you, I think you've hit the bullseye there!

I'm still here, MrsC! Lots going on here on MY home front so I'm reading even if I'm not responding!

Have courage and KOKO!

Hi Across! Good to hear from you, hope all is OK with you? Thanks for posting my darling

I always read to see how you are doing TheFormidableMrsC but don't often post. I have no advice to offer regarding divorce (see my user ID)

But I do want you to come through this so strong and better. I have my silent poms-poms every time you have a milestone!

Hello sadwidow28. I am so sorry you find yourself in that very sad predicament and clearly loving and respectful of your late husband, unlike some others we know. Thank you so much, I am hoping that things will start to speed up on the settlement front and then the divorce will be forthcoming. It does make me so very sad though. I hope that life is better afterwards and indeed, I hope that life is good to you after your loss .

Delurking. Have lurked with you from these the start, amazed at you, WWK and Karen (toadslayer). You are amazing, the shit you have been through. Hopefully all can come to a conclusion soon and you can be free of WT and Pauline.

Hope you and your children are coping, KOKO

Hi KarenHL, thanks so much for posting! It's so lovely when people pop up and you realise how much support you actually have. I have to say, I would have struggled with WWK recently, especially as she is coming to court with me on Thursday...she is fabulous. I really do hope there is an end to this soon. Pauline still makes me chuckle! We are fine, chugging along as you do. Had a cry to MIL on the phone tonight, I think I am a bit hormonal at the moment but just so angry with it all and the whole avoidable mess. Anyway, onwards and upwards as they say x

So I shared this on my FB page but should really share it here too

You struggling with me?? I've not even arrived yet...!!

You're doing just fine, I know it's full on fuckwittery for you now, but it won't last forever. xx

HA HA HA!! Typo!!! OMG, I wish you could edit your posts on here! Sorry love, you know what I meant . Can't wait for you to arrive. Full on fuckwittery indeed..nearly there...! x

I know what you meant...but y'know I couldn't resist! Take care.

It's a bit early for , but have some and on me. Been following your story for a while, and Thursday's going to be a big day. Best of luck!

TheMShip, thank you so much! The way I am feeling at the moment, it's never too early for wine. Rage is such a negative emotion isn't it? I wish I could get my head round it and indeed have to find a way to stop trying I guess! Hopefully but unlikely given they are a pair of twats Thursday will be a step forward in the right direction. Tick tock...

Rage is good MrsC - calm rage will be the best on Thursday! so much better than depression, feeling defeated etc. And your is righteous rage

Oh he's pulled a blinder this morning. Just spoken to MIL, he has sent her a cheque for my maintenance which arrived this morning at her house for her to send to me in turn (they are 200 miles away) only for me to have to bank and wait to clear citing "due to bail conditions, I am not allowed any communication with MrsC spoken or written". This is utter rubbish, he is allowed to communicate about the court case, he is allowed to pay money directly into my bank account. It's just "punishment". Utter twat. Lovely that he puts his son first!

Wow.

He never fails to , does he.

I have done the unthinkable and ended contact. I am really not sure this is the right thing to do but this is just continued abuse. He cares so much about the children that he will deprive me of money knowing my difficult circumstances. Unable to do it any other way, he pulls this stunt. He told MIL that he "no longer" had online banking. Utter tosh, he has had it for as long as I can remember and indeed paid his last reduced maintenance in directly. He could just have easily paid it into my bank account in branch. I will inform the relevant agencies of this decision given the outside involvement we have had but I believe it falls under psychological and financial abuse. I would be really grateful for any comments from anybody who may have faced a similar situation. I am well aware that you should not link finances and contact, I know the "rules" in that respect...but this has been done to cause me and the kids maximum stress while under difficult circumstances and predictably, a couple of days before court. It is not the act of a responsible father let alone a stable one. I have to stand up for us. I am so tired of it, utterly drained. I have told MIL not to bother sending cheque down as it will bounce, predictably. Just totally fucked off today....

Lurker here, MrsC (although I do believe we may be meeting on Friday... ). I would be very happy to talk to you about contact - I've been through the mill with my own ex, for whom a court order with very defined contact means nothing.

I have also had excellent advice regarding contact on the Lone Parents board on MN. It is really useful to get advice from other people who are long in the tooth when it comes to dealing with controlling and difficult NRPs. At one "memorable" point I did decide to suspend contact, but the wise people on that thread talked me round. At a glance I would say that, if possible, you need to try to disengage as much as you can from the part of contact that means "YOU" have to deal with "HIM".

I find it hard to articulate what I mean precisely, but the thought process should be... a) is contact in the best interest of the DC? If the answer is 'yes'... proceed to b) can contact be arranged and take place without so much stress being placed upon you that it makes it untenable for you (due to provocation, abuse, intimidation, etc.) If at the moment you find the contact that you have to endure as a result of your DC seeing the NRP unworkable, then is there a way around it? Can contact take place via a third party?

The advice I received was to be very very careful about withholding contact. I think it causes an immediate 'eyebrow raise' with a judge that you have to work hard to dismiss. I know how hard this all is, I really do. You feel like you don't know whether you're coming or going, and at the centre of it all are our precious children who we are trying to do the right thing for, without losing the plot completely ourselves. As I say, happy to PM if you'd like to talk further.

Hi Teapot..indeed we are and I am very much looking forward to that! Thank you so much for such a helpful and insightful post. I totally understand everything you say about this issue. However, I have been told by the Targeted Advice Service that in the absence of an order I can make the decisions re : contact. This is the last straw for me. My H refuses to listen to anything, we have a horribly abusive OW who "advises" him (he has nobody else), normally at the cost of the children and I. He refuses to acknowledge DS's ASD diagnosis (unless it's for his benefit - ie : suggestions of 3rd party contact were rejected on the basis that DS "won't cope" yet is happy to put him without safety gear on a quad bike because I am "overreacting"). He doesn't attend the workshops we were advised to attend by the CDC on DS's diagnosis, despite his "enthusiasm" in public. He uses money as a tool of control, despite leaving me at the mercy of the taxpayer, gosh I could go on and on, it's all here. Despite Police advice to the contrary, I ended up trying to organise contact under the current conditions (bail) because he failed to do so, entirely for the sake of my son. So, to my inconvenience, involving all manner of people who really don't want to be involved but are happy to help me, he continues to totally take the piss knowing full well that I can't contact him to challenge him. It is just a continual, ongoing cycle of abuse. I am wondering what possible long term benefit my very vulnerable DS would have being in touch with this man. He also made a contact application (despite there being no need to) and vacated it the day before the hearing, putting us all through the stress of CAFCASS, Social Services etc etc, you know how it is. This is why were are now subject to a MARAC referral (which I am desperate to have news about, the TAS are chasing that up). I feel caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. I am sick of the constant threats and intimidation. What on earth do you do?

I would cash the cheque but only because if it does bounce as expected, he will have a nice fat charge on his bank account, always good!

And sadly I agree about contact. He doesnt have to prove why he should have contact, you have to prove why he shouldnt and judges dont take kindly to (what they would see) as an arbitrary decision made by a pissed off resident parent. As it stands, his pissing about with the maintenance makes him look bad, you witholding contact on the basis of that would be a mark against you name and would make the judge think you are both playing tit for tat.

I totally understand why you want to withold contact and I would want the same, but a judge wouldnt and its the judge you have to keep happy now.

Have you informed him that you are cutting contact? If you have I would email him again saying that you are very angry about the maintenance situation however on reflection you should not be with holding contact because of it and therefore contact with DS is available to him should he wish to see DS. Leave it at that. And print out the email to show the court incase he tries to say he hasnt seen it, perhaps even post a copy to him.

Hope you are doing ok xx

I can't Bogey...no contact at all. This was all via MIL. Who is furious. I think we might have had cross posts, this is the latest in a long long line. Bear in mind we are not in court for DS, just finances. I had decided to make an application myself after the finance case is settled if only to get contact set in stone. CAFCASS had already said that they were recommending further investigations on the basis of the history and his behaviour (and particularly OW, and you know why that is) and then of course he vacated it. It's just torture!

The mans a maggot.

I was only thinking that rather than suspending contact officially, dont do anything. Wait and see if he gets in touch with MIL about contact and if he doesnt great, and if he does you can string it out until after Thursday and then tell him to get fucked!

Too late, MIL as told him that contact is cancelled. He was due to go to school tomorrow and make a holy show of himself like he did last week (falling to knees, shouting "I missed you", utter wanker nobody took a blind bit of notice and thought he was a twat). DRAINED I am :-(

I know it doesn't seem like it but this can all be handled. I'm not saying I have any answers however... all I can say it's a constant ball-ache to have to deal with unreasonable controlling people, particularly when there's a vulnerable small person in between you.

The thing is, by withholding contact you are immediately giving him some ammunition; something to hold onto and hold against you. I can tell you from my own experience that unless something has happened to make you KNOW that it's 100% not in your child's best interest to see this person, that when you withhold contact the pressure is just unbearable, as time goes on.

Forgive me for not knowing all the details, I have read and lurked so know some but not all. If you are in court on Thursday then will you attempt to raise this issue there? I know it's not a children hearing but I know from a friend's experience that it can be discussed. And in my own case, we are back in court in a couple of weeks for the finances but are also hoping to discuss my ex's attempt to get a variation in our order.

I really do get it, I do, honest! I had a non-mol out against my ex at one point, and he used the wording in that non-mol to stop contact completely, citing the fact that it said "not even indirect contact is allowed" - we were away at the time and he took that to mean that he couldn't Skype the children so overnight just disappeared from view. He has also made numerous false allegations against me (claiming that I had threatened suicide; I have never done any such thing) which led to SS involvement. Thankfully my experience of all these agencies has reinforced my belief that my ex is an utter loon and they have backed me completely. It's a huge relief but still has been unbelievably stressful.

Playing devil's advocate with what you've just said, I would say - okay, so forget the cheque - is contact in your DS's interest or not? Because breaking things down a little - yes, he's being an arse by sending it to MILs, but at this stage you don't know that it will bounce. So it does look like you are angry about his stupid behaviour regarding the cheque and punishing him by withholding contact with DS.

What do you mean about the TAS? Anyone without a court order has the ability to withhold contact, are you saying that if you choose to stop contact then they will back you up, or it will be deemed as acceptable for you to have done so? (Apols for my ignorance; I haven't heard of that service before...)