Who's Desperate and Awful Now....Story of My Divorce from Mr WT...Part 2....

[MrsC1969HJ]

Having reached a 1000 posts, I can hardly believe we are moving onto Thread 2...I have had the most amazing ongoing support from so many and I will always be eternally grateful. Link to Thread 1 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2030270-PLEASE-HELP-DESPERATE-AND-AWFUL-DIVORCE?

If it's any consolation, MrsC, for those of us who are not up to our necks in it it makes fascinating reading!

If H wants to be sure to receive correspondence he's going to need to provide a reliable forwarding address. This may explain why she thinks you are molesting her, btw - seems like every item of correspondence you necessarily forward to H in respect of the divorce and his son is taken as you deliberately encroaching on her space. Insecure is the polite way of putting it.

Annie, it's very interesting psychology isn't it? It hadn't occurred to me before that he might not receive all mail. He signs for some stuff, but it is usually her and one occasion a contractor working at her house. She really needs to wise up. This is a ridiculous thing to do, it really is. I have decided that I won't go to the house, I just think it will do more harm than good. What I will do is send again tomorrow and write on the front the case number and that it is a second attempt at service. If it is rejected again, then I will at least have two lots of proof and he can explain himself in court. I know we're nearing the end of this process in terms of finances and then I can get divorced, however, this stupid woman is going to have to come to terms with the fact that we have a long way ahead in terms of parenting our son and I am not going to go away! I just despair, I really do....

why do you want him involved in the parenting of your son. He is such a nightmare i just can't see why you would want him involved with your boy who is so vulnerable.

sorry if im missing something obvious??. this just seems a no brainer to me. you don't want this diabolical pair anywhere near your boy. Yy i can see you need to look as though you are following the party line but ultimately you don't want those two involved with your boy. Surely?

I would suggest going way and beyond in regards your son, all the while its going to be scrutinised by the court process. Then after divorce pull right back and make HIM do the running.
It demonstrates that you are in no way being obstructive regards contact, and that you have tried and tried, but if he isnt going to do anything then its better if he doesnt have any involvement in the long run - as with your son's diagnosis he needs certain and regular contact that can be relied upon. The odd couple certainly dont seem able or willing to provide what is best for the child

Springy, we have social services involved and the targeted advice service, not least the police too. DS loves his father, which is so very sad and I could potentially find myself in a difficult situation if I were to cease contact. As we know, he made an application to the court, but then vacated it the day before the hearing so as things stand, there is no court case for DS. It is only finances. I am trying to be reasonable and non-obstructive, and his contact is very limited. My only insistence is that he keeps him away from OW. I don't think he does 100% of the time, I can usually tell when DS has seen her because he is very quiet and evasive about what they have done that day. However, now I have a print out from the Post Office to say that he is no longer living there, it changes things a bit doesn't it? There are no overnights or anything like that and he usually takes DS to soft play, lunch or a day out somewhere like the London trip yesterday. As Nettle says, his diagnosis is very pertinent and he needs a regular routine. As the moment he knows he sees Daddy on Wednesday and Saturday. I agree in the long term, it will have to be set in stone. Once this case is over I will probably make my own application to the family court so that this can all be dealt with. I can only deal with one at a time at the moment. I have tried so very hard to maintain communication with him, made utterly impossible by OW and I now believe that she is withholding mail, particularly, I am concerned that she is doing this even with things like workshops and ASD parenting courses that we are both invited to attend. There is an 8 week one starting in April. I had a letter, he would have had one too. I find myself in an impossible position.

So her latest ploy to avoid declaring is to say that he isnt living there? I wonder if she has told him this?

I would make that your first question in court, but make sure you take an umbrella for when the shit hits the fan!

Bogey, I will produce the printout. This is just beyond belief. I have no idea if he knows or not, MIL is onto it. He turned up here yesterday in two different cars belonging to her. I wish I'd taken pictures, but I didn't know at that point. This woman is utterly nuts. He keeps telling his MIL he's "been advised"...to not give me a mobile number, to block me on e-mail, to have no contact with me, to do this to do that...I think we know it's not a professional telling him that, because he sacked solicitor No 7 last week!!!! I am just drained with it all....

As one of my friends said to me, it's like "Misery", she'll have him tied to the bed with his feet cut off next....she must be so so insecure....

You're doing brilliantly MrsC and thank god for the Woo moments

Just keep on telling yourself there is light at the end of the tunnel - and you WILL come out the other side with your DC (not sure about him and OW)

Sounds like he is going to argue he is not living with her...but wait, didn't he suggest the very same thing to the judge already about moving out?

Honestly bobs I don't feel like it at all, I am really struggling at the moment, even with the woo moments!

I am not entirely sure that he knows about this latest turn of events and that's what worries me, especially when it comes to the mail he receives for courses he's due to attend with me. She can't have that can she?! He already told a friend he used to have that she "went mad" if we had any contact. What is wrong with this woman? He did indeed ask the Judge at the hearing before last what would happen if he moved out or they split up and the Judge essentially said it would be seen as manipulation. If they try that one now, while he's driving round in her cars, then I think they would be very foolish indeed utter pair of fuckwits

Could you mock up an envelope so it looks like its from the National Lottery and she is signs for that?

Inside you could put a nice polite note along the lines of "Got you, you dumb bag of shite!"

Just a thought

My typing! "and see if she signs....£

FFS! :o

"On Friday I had to post four court related letters to him, which I did, via recorded delivery. On checking last night, OW had rejected the mail as "no longer here, gone away". Really?! So, he pulls up in her noddy car in the morning and then drops DS off in her 4x4, so he has her cars but not living there? The thing is, this is important stuff that he needs in time for Thursday and included one about WWK being my McKenzie Friend."

Where the courts are concerned, a letter sent by first-class post (not any signed-for service) is deemed served two days after posting.

What I suggest you do is to make two copies of all the papers and send them by first-class post, getting proof-of-postage for both, and send them from two different post offices on the same day. That's tomorrow. It's possible that the post office could manage to lose one set of papers but not two. On Thursday, he will have been deemed to have received them, even if that dodgy bint has not passed them on to him. That won't be your problem.

Bogey, you crack me up! I am dealing with somebody who can't bear to address me as "Mrs" and is so dripping with contempt that she even talks to the judge like a small child!

Bitter...love that title!! Not me at all. Yes, that is a very good idea. I was going to send one set anyway, but I will do that. Dodgy bint indeed!! .

who cares what she thinks or what anyone thinks. What is important is you and your boy and your family - what anyone else thinks is irrelevant. I understand social services and the police are involved but you said upthread that you have many years parenting your boy together. why do you want him involved with your boy? I understand your boy wants to see his dad - but the fact is his dad doesn't want to see him. That is clear.

You sent the letters recorded delivery, they were rejected (or kept and not handed over). You've done your bit, you don't need to do any more, the evidence is there that you did your bit.

Chasing and forcing him to engage with your boy is keeping you intensely engaged with ex/them, heart and mind. You have to disengage, you know this is the only way to peace of mind and sanity. Yes the waters are muddied bcs of your boy's SN but your boy needs consistency and he is not getting that with his dad. I also very much doubt ex is keeping your boy away from OW.

It's all grotesquely unfair and wrong and heinous - but that's the way it is. Accepting that is the way forward, not just for you but for your family re you will be very distracted, unavailable, if your focus is on the hideous pair, what they think, what they're doing and saying. Youccan't force justice Mrs xx

Springy, I totally hear you, but I have an obligation to ensure contact continues. If I don't, that will reflect very very badly on me when we go to the family court eventually. I've seen it happen before. I wouldn't say that Mr WT doesn't want to see his son, what he wants is to do it on his terms which I why I keep it on such a short leash as it were. I had the targeted advice service on the phone the other day asking me how I was organising contact, so that has been dealt with. The fact is, however shitty the Dad, the courts will ensure they have regular contact, unless they are physically abusive. Even then it is supervised contact. I recall when we were using the contact centre, there was a different contact room for addicts and sexual abusers, they were still allowed to see their children. What I must make clear is that I have no yearning to have my husband back, I am not trying to maintain a relationship for my sake at all. What I would like, is a reasonable co-parenting relationship where we could at least communicate and sing off the same hymn sheet as it were. I have to try and be the bigger person here. In an ideal world, I would like her out of the picture completely because I don't believe she is any good for my son at all. I think I can demonstrate that and indeed did to CAFCASS when we had the pre-hearing interviews, hence why were recommending further investigations. It was at that point he vacated because I think he knew that the intervention would tie his hands even more. Hopefully, the end of this financial case will bring a little bit of relief and I can then focus on obtaining a contact order for DS. It's so difficult to try and do the right thing .

......what I will be aiming for is a prohibited steps order...I have some help in RL from somebody who did indeed manage to get the OW removed from contact with her children for very similar reasons ie : the woman's a lunatic.

You can do what you can to maintain contact - and the evidence is there for the courts that you have - but to force and push etc? Not so much. It is very likely that if contact doesn't go the way your ex wants it to go that he won't co-operate in the long run. You will have done your bit and the courts will see you have done your bit. i can't see that you could - or should - do more than you have done. You can't physically force him to be present ie you can't bodily pick him up and force him to attend access.

Oh absolutely Springy, I give him the opportunity, I absolutely have to be seen to do that...and I think that it will peter out eventually, this "coming back" thing is absolute torture for him. He has always "moved on" in the past with the same clean cut, clean break. It also depends on how much pressure she puts him under too. Thank you

The 'gone away' message on post is her last desperate attempt before court at claiming that they don't live together (big yawn!) Does he have anything noticeably his currently outside her property that a picture of could be shown to the court if he starts on this line again? I wonder if she knows that the judge already told him not to try that trick?

In terms of him cutting maintenance, it looks now like you'd be better off going to the CSA (I think you get a minimum of £10 per week now). I've also got something through from the CSA which will probably help you. Its a variation form where they will look into your ex's finances if they own their own company/ company director etc. You have to fill in the form and produce the evidence to support your claim (i.e. he earns this when he's claiming that he doesn't) etc., and then they send it to him. There are also sections in this form for exceptional circumstances and costs - so perhaps DS's health could be one of them?

When are you in court next? Next week?

xxx

Pink I suspect you are right. It is a bit tiresome when he's driving round in her car. There is nothing, he got rid of his vehicles when he left so he could buy her knickers, urgh. I think they are actually as thick as two short planks, he was told by the judge that she could go to prison and STILL she sat and argued with him. Arrogant beyond description.

I have been meaning to call you all week, I have decided to do a CMS application now. I am tired of not knowing what's happening one month to the next and I can't go on like that in my position. Obviously, I also have his financial disclosure which clearly demonstrates a lifestyle at odds with his financial claims. He is disgusting. No shame whatsoever. I will call you this week. We are back in on Thursday...made plans with WWK tonight. SO glad she is going to be with me!

I think OW will get her own come-uppance re her actions. However if he is not getting his mail for whatever reason, I would take take steps to somehow ensure he does receive it before Thursday, otherwise that's just an excuse for more procrastination

Suspect he hasn't told her what the judge said re prison etc., for fear of her rage and her chucking him out! So he's probably having nightmares trying to keep it all from her whilst at the same time getting her to cooperate and hand over the information needed. Boo hoo!! :) :)

I think you can include details of the lifestyle at odds with income claimed in the CSA/CMS variation application. But they make clear throughout the form that you have to provide evidence with the form. Ask them for a copy of this form immediately. I didn't even know it existed until I'd complained for the umpteenth time about non declared income etc., and they finally sent me this form.

You can't send the CSA/CMS his financial disclosure without the permission of the court (so shoot off a letter to the court about this quickly to get that going through in time to send on with the variation form etc). They have just written to me about this and said that I need to get the court's permission for the key documents that they need to view.

The CSA/ CMS are slow, but they do finally get there in the end (after 101 recorded delivery letters sent to them!). Remember that they only award you money from the date that they look at your application (not the date that you complete it or send it to them) so you do need to act quickly. He can also ask for consideration of other children living in his household (her child).

xxx

Pink, thanks lovely, I will get onto this tomorrow. I should have done it a lot sooner...silly trusting me, thinking that my H would actually want to make sure his son was OK....will never come to terms with that. Will call you xx