Who's Desperate and Awful Now....Story of My Divorce from Mr WT...Part 2....

[MrsC1969HJ]

Having reached a 1000 posts, I can hardly believe we are moving onto Thread 2...I have had the most amazing ongoing support from so many and I will always be eternally grateful. Link to Thread 1 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2030270-PLEASE-HELP-DESPERATE-AND-AWFUL-DIVORCE?

Oh lovely, the heart has it's own timetable and nothing our brain may tell it does one bit of good. Don't ever be embarrassed about loving someone, even a twat like Mr WT. At least you know you can love.

It'll wear itself out. It always does, and when you least expect it. One day you'll see him and all you'll feel is pity and a bit of regret. Pity for the hopeless mess he is now, and regret that he couldn't value what he had.

It's bloody rubbish isn't it? I think seeing them together yesterday set me back a bit...even though they look such a ridiculous mismatch. I just can't fathom what he sees in this large, false boobed, sour faced, wrinkly trout. It's so insulting. I am also getting increasingly angry about her continual farting about with disclosure and going on about "personal details", she clearly assumes that I have the same moral values as her and would use them to commit an act of fraud! Amazing really....talk about projection. The whole process appears to be destined for further delay...why, just why?!

It would be so much easier if he had died. It really would. Awful. Anyway, I am having a "woo" moment this week and consulting my fabulous Tarot lady. I haven't been for 18 months, much of what she said has indeed come to pass and I let WWK hear the recording when she visited last. It's quite weird to listen back. She was frank with me from the word go and said he wouldn't be coming back, described OW to a "t", even though I didn't know who she was then, all sorts of things. She's been right about the finances too, which I brushed off as I never thought he would do such a thing! Yawn. Anyway, I know it's not for everybody, but it gives me a bit of solace, she's a lovely lady to spend an hour with under any circumstances. Hopefully that will help a bit. Any port in a storm eh?

She sounds quite talented, your Tarot lady. But hang on to your common sense too. (I don't do woo, can you tell?

I second everyone who says that your continuing feelings of love for him are normal. And I would add that they are a measure of what a good human being you are.

Yes, sounds like a holiday. Probably booked in anticipation of the case being over? You will probably get to see what it is on their disclosure?

Perhaps the personal details she's worried about are her 'activities' (IYKWIM!!). She might have bought something from a specialist place or something??

I doubt if he went for the rich widow for her looks!! She's his meal ticket. And it will burn itself out - probably once she comes to her senses.

Sweetheart, your poor little heart is (temporarily) squashed by a weight of things it shouldn't have had to face. Take comfort from the fact that, as the weight starts to lift, that healthy, living heart will unsquish (technical medical term).

And when one has a horrible, dried up, bitter and jealous heart, it shrinks and dries and can't unsquish.

I think you know who's got what type. KOKO.

"I doubt if he went for the rich widow for her looks!! She's his meal ticket." DING DING DING! Aaaand Pinkballoon wins a prize.

And he's looking like hell because he's realizing at what price one buys a 'meal ticket'. The price of one's self respect and independence. Too high a price to pay for me!!!

I just can't fathom what he sees in this large, false boobed, sour faced, wrinkly trout. It's so insulting

As Pink says, meal ticket. I too have been left for someone I totally despise. Not even for what she's done but for just the pathetic specimen she is. I would despise her even if she had never met my ex. In my case, I don't feel insulted, it just makes me think he's even more of a pathetic wanker.

It would be so much easier if he had died

A friend of mine said that about her marriage breakdown. Yes, at least we would escape all the consequences of the split and could savour the good memories. And inherit!

Ah yes - the lump sum and the widow's pension! I used to do all his finances up to a few years ago)
So if your stbx has been making payments to his GF can they be hauled up in court/asked to explain what they are for if he won't co-operate?

bob this may help.

www.slatergordon.co.uk/media/388165/finances-upon-divorce.pdf

It seems to be whether one side decides they need more info. What I do know is that if they are living with someone, they will be considered to need less living expenses etc. Very handy when the ex is living with a woman who he admitted is financially self supporting. That is my favourite text from him, having that info in black and white, as it were

I think the main thing about disclosure is if it's considered necessary to negotiate a better deal.

bobs123, my husband's housing and transport needs are entirely met by the OW. He claims he pays ALL the bills and ALL the food (amounting to some £2K a month. I was left at the mercy of the taxpayer literally overnight without warning. I was working for his company but essentially a SAHM for our then 2 year old, who is also autistic. He pays me £150 a month "maintenance". She has been forced to disclose on that basis. I hope that helps!

bobs123...can you expand on your "lump sum and widows pension" comment and about the finances you used to do...I am interested! Thank you

Ooh Izzie I didn't realise - that's great from your point of view. You should get things sorted while he's still with her before he realises what a twuntish thing he's done moving in with her

MrsC stbx bought me a finance package for the computer somewhere in the early 90s and I reconciled all our bank statements and filed them. At some point he stopped giving them to me. I can tell you how much I have spent/how little he has spent on our family over the years, especially when compared to how much he earns/how little I do.

Re pension, I used to see his statements which detailed how much he would eventually get, and how much the lump sum would be and the widow's pension in the event of his death in service. Of course this bears little resemblance to the CETV, which is the figure used in divorce.

Just stating the obvious but his bank statements will show whether he does in fact pay all the bills (and any transfers made). And of course any maintenance he pays is dependant on his income - but then it appears he is self employed? Shitty for you

Of course if they choose not to disclose.... Mine has disclosed just enough, showing payments made to his GF (doesn't live with her) If he doesn't explain them - well it could be interesting as she is in politics and it could get embarrassing !!!

People with pensions normally fill in an "expression of wish" form saying where they want the lump sum to go in the event of their death. The trustees are not 100% bound by it.

bobs I will answer your point in Hobbit's Bar

Ooh bobs, thanks for that, I am off to bed but will address this tomorrow...oh an OW in politics...gosh how I would love to know....hope you're OK x

Goodness, I am in a very bad place tonight. Divorce is shit

Tonight. One more shit day done. Tomorrow is another day. Better I hope.

Divorce isn't shit. It's the twunts we divorce that are shit.

Hang on in there. You can't give up now, not when WWK is looking forward to some lovely nut cutlets.....

Thinking of you xx

Yoo hoo Mrs

Sorry you're having a bad night. Divorce is indeed shit ((((((((hug)))))))

I found it shit and I left him!

Darling, you have done marvellously. Really, you are wonderful - you have done spectacularly well. I remember the awful mess you were in when you first posted and you are simply not the same person. You have turned this around.

It is not surprising you were a mess. There is something really dark going on here imo. Can i ask you to do one thing? To stop trying to understand it - bcs it will literally drive you mad if you try. There is no rhyme or reason to this - you have to, you must, step away in your head and focus on your own life. Do everything you can to stop ruminating on the whys/how could theys.

I HAD to do this to save my sanity when I was being mashed to death by my ex. He was a frightening sort (as is this woman imo) and it was the road to mental and emotional ruin to try to work it out. So don't do it!

I was watching some crappy but rivetting TV the other night and a man on the programme was telling the story of how he survived serious injury while mountain climbing alone. He said he focused on one thing at a time. He was in a truly dire situation but blocked the big picture out and just focused on one thing at a time - and he survived against impossible odds! My ears pricked up bcs it was such sound wisdom for when we're really up against.

So iiwy i'd focus on having a lovely evening, safe in your home

You're right. It's just been a bad day. With HUGE effort from me, I arranged contact for that arsehole with DS. He puts him straight back on quad bike, the same bike which had led the the situation we're in now with him being arrested and on bail, no helmet, no gloves, son falls off...you know the rest. Has reduced my maintenance to £50 a month from £300 claiming poverty but turns up in his brand new shiny quilted Barbour jacket in OW's dead husband's Volvo 4x4. I am just a the end of my tether...I have been at the end of my tether before to be fair...but am just so TIRED of this shit. He wanted to leave, he left, he treated us like shit, continues to do so...drags it out...on and on and on...18 months of pure hell. Am struggling, that's all :-(

Izzie, I didn't say thank you...but thank you x

Ahhhhh Springy...so so glad you dropped by! Thank you so so much! You're right of course, it's the understanding that's driving me up the wall, because I don't and can't, just awful. How many people have to face the OW in court and have her sneer at you? It's just awful. I love your analogy and will try my bestest (sic) to concentrate on that...am just so angry...and bitter...and I don't want to be bitter...bitter kills you xx

Well hang on, angry is good! Angry is healthy! Repressing legitimate anger is where madness/illness/what have you lies!

I personally find revenge/murder/torture fantasies really soothing. I know, I know, don't be shocked; its good to get it out imo. Better out than in.

Just don't try to understand it!

Yes I'm with Springy I spent 20 years trying to work out why stbx was like he was and gave him the benefit of the doubt so much - traumatised from his first divorce, lack of confidence etc. I didn't know about things like passive aggression or EA then! Spent so much time over-analysing!!!

And yes - my stbx acquired a new Barbour too! He complimented me on my jacket at our 1st mediation meeting - i just said "yes - Asda" He said "mine too" with a smirk!
(btw I really like my Asda paddock jacket )

MrsC is he self employed? If so difficult to prove how much he is earning. If not, well CMS would sort that out!

And yes, angry IS good - way better than depression and tears I find! And you will get over the bitterness - and the hurt

Springy....I haven't been angry for a long time, just bloody determined, today I am angry and tearful..that's not a good combo! I have all those fantasies, I try, however, to behave with some decorum...difficult indeed. Argh, I just want to scream at him and make him listen to me, but I can't, he's on bail and I have to abide by that. Painful.

bobs123 thanks my lovely for your inbox. I will respond properly tomorrow when less tearful and angry and not drinking wine on a school night

Well employed/self employed...he's employed by his own company, but he's resigned. His disclosure speaks a different story though...