Ex has just come over and had a huge go at me

[ICanHearYou]

Basically because I have more money than he does, and I hear what he is saying, he has around £250 disposable income a month and he hates it.

The thing is, it is NOT my fault that he only has that, it really isn't, I try and be really cool about everything and end up paying out more than half of our shared bills but he still isn't happy.

All these veiled comments about what I 'get a week' and so on. Its really difficult.

He is in a shit place, I know it and I know that it is because we have separated (before I had to deal with the how to pay for everything with no fucking money)

I can't wait until we are properly separated and he feels able to stand on his own two feet. Its shit.

Yes I was most definitely the financial brains.

I have said we will re-address the maintenance/debt issue in one years time, again, if I chose to involve the CSA he is absolutely screwed and he knows that.

I really don't have time to do a programme, I am currently doing a degree, working part time and I have the children 5 days out of 7 so its pretty busy here right now!

Plus I don't have too much of an issue with how things are, it is JUST him being a knob about everything that I hate, painting me as some sort of monster when actually I am being really bloody reasonable on all levels and he is just too clueless to see it.

Just don't try to reason him out of his viewpoint. He is so entrenched in his victimhood he is never, never going to change. No amount of pointing out the obvious will work.

When he starts having a dig, go for a tinkling little laugh and a smug expression. Or alternatively, look immensely bored. Whatever you do, just refuse to engage - he will never see your point.

I'm not telling you to be different (you've thought through your plan and have good reasons for it), all I'm saying is you've got to stop expecting him to be different.

Oh, feel angry, feel bored, feel whatever you like, just don't let yourself feel pity for him. It's clearly your vulnerable point and this guy knows how to play you like a harp.

What's that expression?
True madness lies in doing the same thing over and over and expecting it to turn out different.

He was abusive, he's still abusive, and he will be abusive.

You do need to find a way of removing yourself as much as possible from his influence.
He comes in, you go out.
You come back, he goes out. And if he refuses to get out, then you call the police. I'm sure he won't want to put his current job at risk.
Do family time if you are so keen on it, but do not have him around when the kids are not there and have no private conversations with him.

I hear what you are saying about changing his mind and how pointless that is, but it is bloody difficult to be treated like you are being a twat when you are actually being really reasonable and open and cool.

I am very aware that regardless of how I treat him, he is going to paint me as a monster who has 'got everything' while he 'has nothing' and that is a massive shame but nothing I can do about it. I can't change that.

But I will not have him speaking down to me when he has no reason to.

That's why you should hardly speak to him.
In fact, you should hardly spend any time together and do no more than pass each other on the way out/in.
Don't raise to his provocations. That's what he wants. Just say bye and you're not discussing it.

The Freedom Programme is invaluable after an abusive relationship - and it doesn't take weeks. Stops you repeating the same patterns and helps you recognize the abuse to which you were subjected. If you don't change your own mindset nothing will change - either with him or any future relationships. You cannot just brush this under the carpet and deal with it alone or expect it to stop if you continue on this same path.

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

And I managed to fit it in while working as a single parent and studying for a degree.

Gosh I just love it when you are in a shit position, holding it all together, raising two children under 5 alone, working bloody hard and someone comes along and tells you how much better/more they have done in the same position.

Nothing like that to make you feel great about yourself. Cheers again MN

nobody is saying they have done better than you - people here are trying to help!

Many of us have been exactly where you are and know totally what you are going through. Perhaps many of us want to prevent you from making the mistakes we did.

Anyway - I'm out. Sorry for trying to help and support you.

Was that in relation to mindy's post about the freedom programme? If so I really didn't read it that way, I read it as her saying it doesn't take up much time so you'd be able to fit it in.
I really think you may have taken that the wrong way

Oops, mindyourown not mindy - the curse of using my phone and trying to memorise people's nn's

Thanks Hopping - that is exactly what I meant. Certainly wasn't making out I was better in any way.

Sorry, I am tetchy.

It just feels like whatever I do I am constantly being reminded that I need to/have to/must do more. Its so hard.

I actually think you need to do less.
Support him less.
Include him less.
Trying less to maintain the "family".
You should concentrate on yourself and your children. And let him do his bit for them (or not, as it's his responsibility, not yours).

No I think you need to do less - well less for him. Time to start looking after yourself and what you want and need.

It just feels like whatever I do I am constantly being reminded that I need to/have to/must do more.

It's quite mind boggling that this was your take home message from your thread

No quite the opposite you need to do less for HIM! He's the problem here you're doing sterling work by all accounts. Next time he starts whinging at youtell him to eff off and grow up.

And I will do less for him, as he gets more self sufficient (I know that many of you think that is just an excuse) but as it is, I have agreed to help him until September and that is what I will do. I am not the type to go back on my word which is why it was so hard to end my marriage

I will always strive to keep relations comfortable to maintain a sense of family for the children, again this is not because of who he is, but because of who I am.

OP - yes but you HAVE ended your marriage. The only difference it would seem between this and your marriage is not sleeping together. When you end a relationship, other things have to end as well. And if you just sit there and take abuse from someone who you are bankrolling, well it beggars belief.

You think we are all wrong, and you are right. We get that. You can do what you want - you are an adult. But if everyone is saying 'that' crazy' doesn't it even make you think 'could they all be right here?'

Your word is not the be all and end all...it is just something you said. It can be taken back at any time. If you choose not to do that, then that is your choice. But don't complain about it! As that is your decision to make.

But even if you help him financially until September it doesn't mean that you have to put up with him.
And facilitating contact with the children still doesn't mean you have to put up with him.

As it is you keep giving the impression that you want to mother him, and you are still holding to the hope that he will become the person you wish he was.
You are willing to destroy yourself for what you think is the best for the children, but they won't thank you for taking crap and having a crap dad around.

And we all mean what we post in a non-confrontational way. It pains us (me, at least) to see you hurt by him, but still unable to free yourself.

I have never said rolled f else is wrong and I am right, because I am not prepared to throw away my job, my independence from that job and stop my ex from seeing the children I am being labelled as a push over who is putting up with abuse. I am not, I have told him fucking clearly that I am not prepared to put up with his shit and I will continue to reiterate that.

I won't post here for advice again, I am sorry I did.

The problem is that you haven't been posting for advice. Just to have a rant.

Shame on us.

Poor you. He's a bastard.

Is that what you want from here?

ICanHearYou I get this totally. When I split from my ex we were in the same position and he used to give me shit for having more money than him and to ashut him up and keep him away I paid more than my fair share but like ur ex he just kept on and on. It only stopped when he got a new girlfriend and she wouldn't let him speak to me. I do t have any advice to offer just massive sympathy for the way some of these eejits are jumping to conclusions about ye. Hang in there buddy and try to get things official as far as financial arrangements are so you can tell him to rollocks! Xxx

I hope you do return - there is so much help for you here. And please just do me a favour and click on the Freedom Programme link I posted and have a little read?

Yes I've posted to have a rant and hopefully get some advice relative to my situation and with what I am trying to achieve in mind.

Saying 'just ignore him let him see the kids in a contact center and don't pay your shared bills' is firm for some but not who I am or how I am trying to deal with this situation.

Coping mechanisms for when he makes me feel like shit or ( dare I say it) a bit of moral support and sympathy without loads of 'do as we say or you're failing' strings would be nice too.

I'm not going to stop him coming round and seeing the kids, they are the priority here.