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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has just come over and had a huge go at me

199 replies

ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 18:50

Basically because I have more money than he does, and I hear what he is saying, he has around £250 disposable income a month and he hates it.

The thing is, it is NOT my fault that he only has that, it really isn't, I try and be really cool about everything and end up paying out more than half of our shared bills but he still isn't happy.

All these veiled comments about what I 'get a week' and so on. Its really difficult.

He is in a shit place, I know it and I know that it is because we have separated (before I had to deal with the how to pay for everything with no fucking money)

I can't wait until we are properly separated and he feels able to stand on his own two feet. Its shit.

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 16/07/2014 20:39

You know once September comes he'll find another excuse to moan at you, right? People don't change. He feels aggrieved for some reason and a little pay rise isn't going to heal this.

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 16/07/2014 20:43

Are you the poster with the legoland thread? If so on there didn't you say that he is paying some of the costs of your household as well as his own?

Schoolsgettingonmynerves · 16/07/2014 20:45

I feel for you OP.

Interestingly it's usually the women who bang on about not having any money (whilst bleeding there ex husband dry and driving around in flash cars and living in big houses and bragging to their friends that it's actually them that is a successful business woman.) Oh I'm sorry did I just rant out loud?

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 20:49

I am the poster with the legoland thread but I certainly didn't say he pays the cost of my household! Not even close.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 16/07/2014 20:49

It really is quite frustrating.

£240 a month disposable income is not 'on the bones of his arse'.

He really has got you hasn't he? Wake up and smell the coffee lady. He is running rings around you. You hold the power and are just letting it slip through your fingers.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 20:54

Well he has to pay £10 a week to get to work, that leaves him with £200 to feed himself for a week, I wouldn't say that is particularly solvent.

I can understand why he is feeling it, why it is hard for him right now.

I know that feeling and I do understand how it just takes over your life.

He will still be in a shit position in September but he will be in a much better position than he is now.

As for 'the power' well I like to think it is shared, he comes here so I can work, I work so I can support the children properly and help him out when he is really struggling.

OP posts:
Original poster
ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 21:01

sorry £200 for a month

OP posts:
paddlenorapaddle · 16/07/2014 21:03

Annie that just made me truly laugh out loud Grin watching with interest one of these has his hooks into my sister

AnyFucker · 16/07/2014 21:05

OP, my 18yo dd has to pay £40 + per week to get to work

Diddums for him

flippinada · 16/07/2014 21:06

Sorry, that's ridiculous. A grown adult can feed themselves quite easily on 200 quid a month.

OK, you won't be eating steak and will probably have to miss out a couple of takeaways but he's hardly on the bones of his arse!

NatashaBee · 16/07/2014 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sicaq · 16/07/2014 21:15

You keep talking about how skint he is, but many people work full time (and then some) and can only dream of £200 disposable income each month.

LadySybilLikesCake · 16/07/2014 21:21

I don't think your heart's quite broken up with him yet, you seem to be making a lot of excuses and you're feeling sorry for him.

mindyourown1 · 16/07/2014 21:22

he's got it made hasn't he - not only is he not paying maintenance for his kids, he has you giving him money and he still abuses you. When are you going to wake up and start looking after yourself and tell him no?

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 21:47

No he doesn't buy them food.

My heart is very much broken up with him, he is a prick and my intentions are very clear, break away from this in a way that allows us to still be able to spend time together for the children.

I have to be able to still work, its a real lifeline for me, so him coming over is beneficial to me as much as him.

He does really need to stop acting like a total prick though, I think my ultimatum is in September, I will stop topping him up and I will not accept him being a dickhead.

OP posts:
ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/07/2014 22:00

Op as I and others told you on your other thread you need to detach. Space from this twat, physically and mentally. The mindset is supposed to be:
Him "I'm living in a box in a hole in the road and every morning lorries run me over as I crawl to the bin to search for food"
You "that's nice. Bye"

It shouldn't be family days out and financial entwinement. He doesn't need to see DCs at your house, he can take them out for the day. When you're working nights he obv can't do that but I think you'd be far better using the money you save by not bailing him out on paying a babysitter to cover your work shifts.

Look this man is treating you like shit, and what are you doing? Feeling sorry for him, giving him money. Honestly you are pretty much yelling "hey Mr Wankbadger, come walk all over me, I am your personal doormat". Stop it! He can get to fuck. If you stop bailing him out believe me he WILL find a way to pay his bills. Pay off the debts direct to creditors, stop the days out and when he wants to see the DCs he takes them out somewhere.

You won't do any of this of course, but I'm hoping you are at least listening.

And fwiw, if anyone, let alone an ex, came round and started having a go at me or even being rude, I would say "I don't wish to listen to your bollocks" and shut the door in their face. You can do that you know, you don't have to listen to his shit. Stand your ground a bit more OP.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/07/2014 22:06

He's not going to stop being a prick because he likes being prick and because you're letting him be a prick. Think about it. What happens when he's a prick? You say some words to that effect? Oo ooh scary. It doesn't make fuck all difference to him does it? The only way to make him stop being a prick is prevent the opportunity. By having SPACE. Once all the waters settle in years time you may be able to have a co parenting relationship where you can spend time together for the kids. But ATM that isn working because the dynamic that you had when together is still existing because you haven't doe anything to change it. So he doesn't see ICan, single independent woman who I coparent with. He sees ICan, muggins whose life I still have a say in and who has no boundaries.

Boundaries are then to show the twats that they can't be twats anymore. That the dynamics changed, that they aren't in control anymore. They can say and do what they want but it won't make a blind bit of difference because you don't have to listen anymore.

That's not happening for you because you're letting him walk all over your boundaries. Nothing will change until you're willing to change it.

tribpot · 16/07/2014 22:17

Has he literally just got to buy food with that 200 quid? Jeepers. Bones of his arse? Mind you, at least he wasn't smart enough to put all the debt in your name - I bet you wouldn't see him for dust if that had happened.

Chocaholicmonster · 16/07/2014 22:18

I can't really understand why you have felt the need to write here? (Apart from to vent perhaps?) because you've certainly made up your mind about what you're doing & you defend him to the end of time.

Quote..

Until then I really think I just have to put up with it.

I have agreed to help him through the next month and a bit, I will not go back on that agreement but he does need to be careful.

Also, these are HIS children too. He does look after the children so I can work, I wouldn't be able to do that if he didn't come and look after them so I do need to help him in this particularly crap time in his life. .. Umm, no you don't? You sound indebted to him because he looks after your children 3 nights a week - they are HIS children too. It's his right to look after them along side you. He doesn't pay maintenance, he doesn't buy their food, he looks after them in YOUR home... & yet because he looks after HIS children, you feel you owe him a favour back. Honestly.

On a side note, I work full time, I don't have children to support. I pay all my own bills (with no help from the social) - I'd jump for joy at having a spare £200 or whatever it was a month. Please don't compare this guys situation as he is on the bones of his arse or has pushed him into near poverty ... boo f**king hoo. There's people starving & living on the streets in this country who'd feel rich having £50 to live on a week.

Tell him to pull his act together, mature up, act like a MAN & a FATHER & you need to stop bowing down to his behaviour. You're allowing him to act the way he does & he doesn't even need to make his own excuses, because you do that for him.

I'm sorry if this is blunt, or harsh.. but sometimes it pays to be honest.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 22:21

Well I suppose I do feel sorry for him right now.

We have split up and admittedly that is mostly down to him being a self centered, selfish prick but he has lost his home, he can't see his children every day and he has gone from having all the juggling of finances done by muggings here, to having to deal with everything on his own.

I understand that it is bloody tough for him and I am not sure what throwing him in at the deepend will do other than produce a life time worth of resentment which I will work hard to avoid.

So yes I agree things need to change but I think they can do so over a period of time, I don't think that giving him a month of adjustment is too much of a hardship to me or too lenient to him. He just NEEDS to stop acting like an arse about it

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/07/2014 22:27

is he a child ?

stop treating him like one

he is a grown up...no "period of adjustment required" especially when
he throws it back in your face by verbally abusing you

Chocaholicmonster · 16/07/2014 22:30

he has gone from having all the juggling of finances done by muggings here, to having to deal with everything on his own.

Welcome to the real world which the majority of people, especially adults, have to deal with. Sometimes it has a nasty habit of smacking you in the face but most people just get on with it & sort their of s**t out.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 16/07/2014 22:31

No by being tough on him you will force him to see that you are someone deserving of respect. By putting you and your DCs first and letting him flounder on his own you are showing that you value yourself.

ATM you are telling him the opposite and he IS taking advantage of the woman who feels sorry for him. He knows he can tug the emotional heart strings.

Where is your anger OP? This man is responsible for breaking up your family and any pain it may have caused your DC. This man is responsible for making you unhappy, for treating you badly when you did nothing to deserve it. He has caused this, he has done this, if you ever want him to change, to step up and be a decent father he needs to see the reality of what he has done. And that won't be achieved while you are still feeling sorry for him and playing doormat.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2014 22:32

We are all wasting our keyboard

PIVOT · 16/07/2014 22:32

Well I don't feel sorry for him, he sounds like a cocklodger with a massive sense of entitlement and the toys are out the pram now you aren't doing what he says. You are not responsible for him.

My household of two people eats for 150 a month. One of whom has hollow legs and one of those meals is steak. It's not a budget shop, that's all the things we want! Including both our lunches for work.