Ex has just come over and had a huge go at me

[ICanHearYou]

Basically because I have more money than he does, and I hear what he is saying, he has around £250 disposable income a month and he hates it.

The thing is, it is NOT my fault that he only has that, it really isn't, I try and be really cool about everything and end up paying out more than half of our shared bills but he still isn't happy.

All these veiled comments about what I 'get a week' and so on. Its really difficult.

He is in a shit place, I know it and I know that it is because we have separated (before I had to deal with the how to pay for everything with no fucking money)

I can't wait until we are properly separated and he feels able to stand on his own two feet. Its shit.

Yep that is what it is going to have to be.

I think that, in the cold light of day, it is good we had that bust-up yesterday because he does finally seem to realise that I am not 'withholding' money from him or giving him a rough deal, I am actually being bloody reasonable with him and there is no point us being at each others throats.

Lets hope he begins to act like a grown up now.

Bloody hell, what I wouldn't give for 250pounds DISPOSABLE income a bloody month!!!

Where there is a household which contains a single mum and her children, the father of the children should BE PUTTING MONEY INTO THE HOUSEHOLD, not taking it out.

I'm considerably better off than him though, it's crazy but it is true.

It's good that you have September in your head as a cut off point.

But please be aware that he will find something else to kick off about once you withdraw financial support. I'd also be prepared for the withdrawal of financial support on your part to coincide with him being a lot less helpful wrt childcare, so start looking into alternative childcare options now - forewarned is forearmed.

And please don't do anything in the hope he will be more reasonable - who knows, maybe there will be a miraculous turnaround. But I wouldn't bet on it. Why would he when he still has what he wants - control over your life.

I realise all this sounds very hard faced, and I appreciate it must feel a bit like you are being got at - I think people feel angry on you and your kids behalf, because he's abusing you all. He's despicable. Take steps towards independence and you will feel so much better.

If he stops doing childcare he ends up in the shit with money and I cannot work.

I can't make other arrangements other than to not work, I am not prepared to do that.

I understand it's hard, I'm a working single mum too (with little practical support).

Is there really no other option but for him to look after the children? It just seems like he has you over a barrel. You rely on him and he knows it so feels free to behave how he likes.

In a way I have him over a barrel though, he has nowhere suitable to look after the children so without my cooperation he would be unable to spend nearly as much time with them as he does.

He looks after them while I work, yes. But if I chose to, I could refuse to pay the joint debts (in his name) and go to CSA for money, I have told him very clearly that this is exactly what I will do if he refuses to mind the children while I work.

Its not forever, I am working my way up towards a skilled job where I can work in the day. At the moment I think we are reliant on each other, which I realise isn't healthy but I think I hold more chips than he does.

Regardless, it is how things are at the moment and I don't think that paying someone to come in and care for the children 3 nights a week (at great cost to me) when their father is down the road and can spend that time with them is fair on them or him or me.

Well, there's nothing more to add except good luck. All the best to you and your children.

I think he gets off on seeing you upset. The smile and "Sorry you see it that way " is the way to slow down his nastiness. I think you are kind and being very honourable re the debts.
People on here have a different view of what is important.
The children and their relationship with their father are very important. Just don't let him see he is getting to you and require respect and some gratitude if possible.
Well done to a slow breakup.

When I left ex I left with nothing (he kept the house and contents). He paid no maintenance and I continued helping him out financially. When he sold the house I asked him to start contributing towards the dc's. he did so sporadically whilst spending hundreds on himself.
Eventually I realised I was being a mug and went through csa.

Yes he did throw his toys out the pram and yes he no longer sees the dc's but it was either that or me continue to live by his rules just to keep the peace which I wasn't prepared to do. I left him precisely because I was fed up of treading on egg shells.

It's a shame he doesn't see the dc's. he still whines to mutual friends that he's skint because he pays me maintenance, that I ruined his relationship with the dc's (I didn't - he's a violent bastard and that's why they hate him)

My point is that a self declared victim will never change. The minute you stop doing what he wants your relationship will deteriorate. It will get ugly. You can't prevent it, you are only delaying the inevitable

well I am happy to delay it until I can work in the day and not rely on him for that.

It is important to me that I work, really important.

I definitely understand what you are saying and I can see in his eyes that he feels like he got a really 'rough deal' out of it all and that I am holding all the cards... because being a single mother with a weight problem is really a fabulous place to be isn't it!

But I have to think about the bigger picture and me not finishing my studies or not going to work is definitely not going to improve life for the children. I need to keep him on side whilst maintaining the right to call him a fucking prick as much as is necessary.

He slipped into it yesterday 'you've taken everything from me, kicked me out of my house and my family' as if he was in no way responsible for any of it. Actually I clung to our family unit for dear life while he just floated around without giving enough of a shit to pull it together. he made me feel awful about myself, he turned me into someone i don't want to be and then when I finally break away (after millions of warnings) he pretends it is entirely 'my fault' when it absolutely isn't

Well that's your choice I suppose but in the meantime at least learn to not let him get to you.
I did what a pp mentioned - the whole 'I'm sorry you feel that way' and then got on with my life.
Like you I went through the stage of feeling guilty, like the way he was feeling and what he was going through was my fault. It was exhausting! The sooner you distance yourself emotionally the better.

Oops, x post.

He sounds a lot like my ex. God he was such a dick, what was I thinking?! So young, so naive but so many good years wasted. On the bright side I'm making up for it now

I feel exactly like that hopping my whole 20's with a guy who told me I would never be beautiful like 'other women' and basically used everything at his disposal - withholding sex, being a complete cunt about sex (basically telling me that when I tried to discuss what I liked/didn't like I was being abusive to him) staring at other women in public, choosing porn over sex etc etc

He just made me feel dreadful about myself, right from the start of our relationship 9 years ago to now. He ebbed away at my self esteem always with this 'oh but I love you despite all these many shortcomings' and I have finally managed to break away from him.

he is still the childrens father though, that will never change and I wouldn't want it to.

you sound lovely but a MASSIVE doormat. sorry. I keep reading your posts hearing BUT BUT BUT BUT going round my head. You treat this abusive arse like a petulant child who can be cajoled and endured until his behaviour improves. Stop trying to see it from his point of view. Detach and get on with your own life.

So really the only break up that's actually happened is you're no longer sleeping with him? Break up in name really if you think about it, you're still very much a couple. What a great set up he's landed himself with.

You work part time, and have the kids four nights a week, but pay for them all week.

He works full time, sees the kids 3 nights a week but without any cost as it's at your house.

Yet you're bailing him out with money! Plain daft

Well he did try saying that he doesn't have to pay me as much maintenance because we 'share custody' but I pointed out that is irrelevant when it is all happening in my house with my electric/heating/food etc.

Yes indeed - shared custody happens when there are 2 separate homes and the DC spend time in each, so that notion gets slapped down sharpish, well done.
I think your only way forward, unless the situation changes and an affordable childcare alternative materialises, is to keep on with the rebutting of his pity party every single time.

It's all of a piece really isn't it - he's by nature an envious lazy freeloader, who had no insight at all into the work you were doing to maintain the household - now that he's not the beneficiary of that work, he's jealous and resentful. Be prepared for twists and turns as he tries to find a way to get right under your skin - he's almost managing it now, hence you feeling so mad at him, and hence why it's so important that you put his opinions into a box marked 'unimportant and irrelevant' .

I know, he is being ridiculous.

I do tell him though every time, that is why we have arguments because I refuse to just allow him to come out with this crap. I have pulled him up a couple of times in the last month on his little comments about my financial situation and he has refused to enter into discussion about it or say anything is wrong (because he is, fundamentally a coward) but then it all came out the other day and he went through the whole bingo card

'its your fault I am not living in my house/with my kids/with money anymore' (actually its your fault you entitled, selfish prick)

'its your fault I am skint because you are not paying me any money for the bills we got together' (actually I do, because you don't pay me a penny in maintenance and that money goes on the bills)

Then he started quibbling over £30 a month which is when I pointed out exactly how much I pay for, asked him what more I could actually physically do to make his life easier because he just seems to want more and more of my and I don't think he will be happy until both his children are living in poverty and he is doing fine and dandy

But I don't just roll over and take it, I make it clear to him what is really going on outside of the little world of resentment he has created in his head. He does get it gradually I think.

All we can do is see how things go I suppose.

Is the calculation of 'maintenance he owes you, minus debt you are paying back in lieu of maintenance' written down somewhere, with a clear end date, and the amount of maintenance he will have to start paying thereafter ? I would anticipate severe kicking off and involvement of CSA at that point, once money actually tangibly leaves his pocket. Were you the main financial brains when you were a couple?

Have you ever done the Freedom Programme? You can do it online free if you can't do it in person.

Yes I was most definitely the financial brains.

I have said we will re-address the maintenance/debt issue in one years time, again, if I chose to involve the CSA he is absolutely screwed and he knows that.

I really don't have time to do a programme, I am currently doing a degree, working part time and I have the children 5 days out of 7 so its pretty busy here right now!

Plus I don't have too much of an issue with how things are, it is JUST him being a knob about everything that I hate, painting me as some sort of monster when actually I am being really bloody reasonable on all levels and he is just too clueless to see it.