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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has just come over and had a huge go at me

199 replies

ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 18:50

Basically because I have more money than he does, and I hear what he is saying, he has around £250 disposable income a month and he hates it.

The thing is, it is NOT my fault that he only has that, it really isn't, I try and be really cool about everything and end up paying out more than half of our shared bills but he still isn't happy.

All these veiled comments about what I 'get a week' and so on. Its really difficult.

He is in a shit place, I know it and I know that it is because we have separated (before I had to deal with the how to pay for everything with no fucking money)

I can't wait until we are properly separated and he feels able to stand on his own two feet. Its shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
ICanHearYou · 17/07/2014 08:13

petal I know, the ridiculous thing is that I used to feed OUR whole family on around that and he was so detached from the actual real grind of daily life for me and the kids that he just didn't notice.

He has to spend £40 of that on travel to work, so its £160 on food really, which he still thinks he will massively struggle with but he just needs to learn to budget. I can easily say 'look buy 4 loaves of bread for £4 and freeze 3 of them, two packets of ham for £4 and a load of apples, thats lunches sorted'

'a packet of mince, chicken, fish fillets for £10 from tesco, make spag bol and freeze most of it, make chicken curry and freeze most of it, freeze 3 of the fish fillets, thats dinners for the month.'

He eats here a few nights a week anyway so he really has nothing to worry about, but I can't do it, I can't tell him what to buy because frankly he needs to get there on his own.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 17/07/2014 08:20

£240 a month spare cash is not destitute. And he eats at yours a few nights a week.

How will he ever learn if you enable him forever?

Being a responsible adult is not about giving someone a crutch to lean on, it's about helping them to learn how to walk themselves.

I am aghast that you cannot see this. And yet you do that and still take the abuse from him.

AtSea1979 · 17/07/2014 08:21

Sounds to me like your quite like the attachment you have with him. If it was me I'd just get a seperate bank loan, pay my half of the debt direct to the company and then make my repayments to the bank and only see ex for contact for DCs.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 17/07/2014 08:27

I can't get a bank loan, they don't like me!

As I have said, I have no issue with the arrangement as it stands, I actually think it protects me somewhat because he can't just decide to not care for the children while I work. It will take about 3 years to pay off the debts by which time I should be upskilled enough to work in the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
ICanHearYou · 17/07/2014 08:28

I don't 'quite like it' it is just how it is.

Whether I 'like it' or not, he is the father of my children, I can't get rid of him without their being really awful consequences for them.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 17/07/2014 08:45

As I have said, I have no issue with the arrangement as it stands

Evidently there is or you wouldn't have started a thread about it and we wouldn't know about the arrangement as it stands.

AllHailTheBigPurpleOne · 17/07/2014 08:47

If he decides not to help with childcare on top of paying no maintenence then he is a bad father, and I would put that to him.

As for speaking like a spoilt petulant teenager I would say don't talk shit at me or I will give you nothing. because that is all he deserves.
He has more than I do a month for my family, and I manage fine. He is also subbed meal wise by you for 40% of the week. And i would point that out.
I agree, you are jointly responsible for any debts racked up between you and I admire your reasonableness.
BUT. His life is not your responsibility. You need to think ahead, what will happen in September when you stop subbing him? Is he miraculously going to have grown up? Stop beefing?

He will find some other way to bleed you dry. Or some way to get to you.
You broke up with him because he's a prick, he will never stop being a prick.
He will also never stop being the father of your children
So yes, it is tough. But your kids don't deserve to see one of their role models act like a child himself.

mindyourown1 · 17/07/2014 08:49

yu aren't being a reasonable adult - you are mothering him and being a doormat. I bet come Sep he will blackmail you again over money, probably refuse to do childcare for you. This won't end will it unless you change. You will carry on paying for 3 years and get no maintenance. He is loving getting away with this I am sure.

PlumpPartridge · 17/07/2014 08:51

Hi op, I think I understand where you're coming from. You're managing the separation at your own pace. I'm glad that you have a long-term plan to reduce the attachment, because if you didn't then this situation would sound rather more worrying.

The thing I've found with MN is that there are so many people who have been where you are and wish they could go back and cut their partner off earlier, emotionally disengage earlier. You know rationally that they're right and that you'd pprobably save a lot of time/money if you took their advice, but emotionally you're just not there yet. You do intend to get there though, which I believe is a positive thing.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 17/07/2014 09:24

I think the no maintenance thing is a bit of. Red herring, he does give me maintenance but it is swallowed up by the debt that we got into together, if he doesn't pay the debts it is on his head, I am just paying them off because I spent them!

I definitely have a plan to reduce dependency, because that is what it is, he has been reliant on me to do everything for him financially that he doesn't realise it's not so bad to be where he is.

I feel like in September I will absolutely be able to say 'you can live and exist just fine on this amount of money, stop pestering me'

It's more the bloody shit he throws at me, complaints about how I spend my money and veiled digs at my life.

They drive me up the wall

OP posts:
mindyourown1 · 17/07/2014 10:09

so you need to stop spending any time with him and stop him coming into your home - until you set that boundary he will continue.

aftereight · 17/07/2014 10:26

Can I just ask, what will happen in September if his (presumably large) payrise doesn't materialise? or if he tells you that it hasn't

Lweji · 17/07/2014 10:29

And what if he doesn't stop pestering you in September?

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 17/07/2014 10:35

He will get a payrise in September it is a foregone conclusion.

If he doesn't stop pestering me in September I will tell him where to shove it, simple.

He has to come into the home to care for the children, its just the way it is right now.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 17/07/2014 10:39

I do get where you're coming from, and I think it's admirable to pay your share of joint debts.

It is worth pointing out that you're expecting an unreasonable person to act reasonably. Ain't gonna happen. You either have to accept that you continue to do the decent thing and he continues to wallow in self-pity and resentment of you or you have to think about what you want to change from your side.

Believe me, I've spent years wondering why my ex couldn't see and appreciate that I was bending over backwards to be fair to him. Some people are just bottomless pits of entitlement and self-pity - you're never going to fill them up no matter how much you give.

If you want to keep the arrangement till Sept, I suggest that you just don't engage in any conversation with him. Breezy pleasantries, nothing more. And don't expect any miraculous transformation of his behaviour in Sept - as you say, you are ready then to make your change.

mindyourown1 · 17/07/2014 10:42

and what will you do in September when he refuses to look after the children so you can work?

nauticant · 17/07/2014 10:53

Does the money you give him (directly or otherwise) actually pay down the debts? Or is it just paying off the interest?

Apart from your other problems, you could find yourself in a situation in which the debts never get paid off and he tries to use them to keep you financially entangled with him indefinitely.

Lweji · 17/07/2014 10:56

If the debt he is refusing to consolidate is also yours (although in his name), you should give him only half the amount he'd have to pay after consolidating that debt.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 17/07/2014 11:17

If he refuses to look after the children I will stop giving him the money for maintenance and claim it through the CSA, he will be up shit creek and have to take me to court to get his share.

He will screw himself over as much as he will me and he knows it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ICanHearYou · 17/07/2014 11:18

I am happy to pay half of the debts, it is fine to do that, it is not just interest.

I am JUST not happy for him to speak to me like a piece of shit, that is what I am unhappy about.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/07/2014 11:23

I am JUST not happy for him to speak to me like a piece of shit, that is what I am unhappy about.

Sadly, you cannot control that. You can only distance yourself.

Whether the children will be affected is caused by him, not you.
But it's not healthy if they still live in a stressful atmosphere caused by the tension between both of you. Children pick up very easily on this.

mindyourown1 · 17/07/2014 11:25

but you can't change that unless you don't see him......

He is not going to stop unless you go no contact with him - but you refuse to acknowledge that.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 17/07/2014 11:47

I Can't go no contact with him, its impossible at the moment, I would have to give up work and that is not something I am prepared to do.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/07/2014 12:07

Then, just get a really thick armour.

Aka, smile throughout, non-committal answers, and plenty "I'm sorry you feel that way". Grin

Lweji · 17/07/2014 12:08

Having said that you can go minimal contact, unless you think he won't have the children at all.
But if he wants to see them, surely he'll go to yours or will take them out.