Ex has just come over and had a huge go at me

[ICanHearYou]

Basically because I have more money than he does, and I hear what he is saying, he has around £250 disposable income a month and he hates it.

The thing is, it is NOT my fault that he only has that, it really isn't, I try and be really cool about everything and end up paying out more than half of our shared bills but he still isn't happy.

All these veiled comments about what I 'get a week' and so on. Its really difficult.

He is in a shit place, I know it and I know that it is because we have separated (before I had to deal with the how to pay for everything with no fucking money)

I can't wait until we are properly separated and he feels able to stand on his own two feet. Its shit.

He is the father of my children, any anger I have with him needs to be tempered by that.

I cannot see how me putting him into a near impossible financial position will create anything but negativity for the children.

finances is one thing

accepting his verbal abuse is entirely another

now that will fuck your kids right up

but you don't mind him putting you in an impossible financial position by not paying maintenance for his children??

Why did you split up with him because all you are doing is defending him and supporting him?

We have split up and admittedly that is mostly down to him being a self centered, selfish prick but he has lost his home, he can't see his children every day and he has gone from having all the juggling of finances done by muggings here, to having to deal with everything on his own.

Poor ickle mansie, having to do finks all on his ownsie. Anyone would think he was a grown up or some finks.

Oh hang on a minute...

As I said, wake up and smell the coffee love.

Was the split mutual, at your request or due to his behaviour? You are clearly a well natured person, just mind he doesn't take advantage of it especially if it's his own doing. I really do understand why you find it so hard you're clearly so close to the situation.

Just take him back and be done with it < sigh >

I was gonna say - you seem to be getting nothing out of the split at all and are quite happy to let him treat you with utter disrespect, essentially because you aren't a feckless tosspot like him. He looks after his own children in your home at your expense - why not just move him back in? He might stop bitching then at least.

You give him money towards joint debt. What was bought with the money? You say you have debt in your name, does he pay towards that? What was that money spent on?

You say you struggled making ends meet when you were together. Why was this?

As an outsider looking in it seems like you feel like you have to take care of the financial aspect of your relationship. Managing when you were together, protecting him from the reality of life when apart.

If there is no legal implication on the financial aspect of the divorce don't give him any money this month. Say he moans anyway so what's the point in helping. If you are giving him money you should not be handing over cash, you require an audit trail assuming it is needed as part of the divorce. Cash means he can deny receiving it.

I suggest answering the door eating caviar, quaffing champagne next time he calls.

So he's not paying maintenance because you are letting him keep it towards your half of the debt?

Fair enough if you feel responsible for half the debt but don't give him any extra and don't put up with his shite.

No, not quite

he is paying no maintenance because Op feels sorry she is forcing him to manage his own finances

she is paying her share of the debt on top of that

No we have sat down and looked at the things in his name (loans we took out and spent together for example) and worked out how much my share is, this comes to £30 more a month than he is supposed to pay for the kids so he keeps it and I give him the rest.

The problem is he is struggling on top of that and will certainly be struggling until September. So I will sub him small amounts when he is struggling until then, when he can deal with it.

As for accepting him being a prick to me, I absolutely don't. I am very firm with him and told him exactly what he was risking by continuing to speak to me the way he has done and he has apologised for that, I refuse to put up with it and he knows that.

I still maintain that continuing to be good natured and allowing a 10 year relationship to end in a supportive way is the best course of action. Better for the children and certainly better for me. Frankly I don't need the guilt.

The worst thing for me would be him not feeling like he could look after the children anymore or choosing not to do that because I would lose my job.

The worst thing for the children would be not seeing their father for some of the time in their own environment.

He just needs to stop speaking to me like he has been or all of this will go to shit.

ICanHearYou, nobody is asking for you to lay out your personal / financial workings out. At the end of the day, that is personal to you & frankly, nobody elses business.

I just do not understand why you felt the need to post here in the beginning when A) You've clearly made up your mind on what you've chosen to do about this situation (which is to change absolutely nothing) & B) You've done nothing but defend this man.

How did you really expect people to respond? ''Oh, you're wonderful for helping this 'poverty stricken' man. He's such a poor soul. He deserves every penny you give him'' ... Honestly, what advice would you give someone who had wrote this post??

He just needs to stop speaking to me like he has been or all of this will go to shit.

what is he doing to address this ?

or indeed, address anything at all

you have told him to stop speaking to you like this and he carries on regardless

what now?

errrm he could always get another job??? Adults generally have to finance their own lives. He could learn to live on his new reduced income etc etc who cares, thats now his issue to deal with.

He was with you and had a certain lifestyle, now he isn't and he has a different one. Things change, hey ho. If his career takes off and he becomes super wealthy do you think he will be as generous to you? Nope me neither.

But like others i think this has fuck all to do with money. You are still emotionally attached/guilty/whatever. Enjoy.

He's poverty stricken because he only has 200 a month for food..for one person?? The Four of us eat very well on just a little less than that. How much food does one man require??

You sound worried that if you stop subsidising him he'll stop visiting your DC and caring for them while you work. Surely if he's a 'good dad', he'd be more than happy to do that regardless?

I think it is reasonable to continue with the agreement we have made until September, after that I will readdress the money things and stop giving him extra.

I more wanted to talk about him speaking to me like shit and how it made me feel than constantly talking about money, I get that from him as well I don't need it here too.

I am not defending him, I am defending myself and my choice to ease us all into living separately rather than 'putting my foot down' and growing lots of resentment and hatred. Unfortunately we are stuck with each other somewhat because of the children.

As for what he is doing, that is a bone of contention with me, he finds it very hard to do anything and he certainly struggles to actually put any effort in, I have suggested he consolidates his debts but he refuses to.

I think after last night he is at least a bit more clear about what I pay for and how I am actually being fucking reasonable about all this: he said I have too much 'power' over his life but that isn't true, he has power over his own life the only possible power I have is because he looks after the children when I work.

He has become used to relying on people, that needs to change I agree totally with that. I will make it absolutely clear to him that come September, there will not be any handouts or monetary support from me.

It's only a couple of months so I guess you can hack that, but if you're still reliant on him for childcare there's a big possibility for ongoing blackmail. Hope there is a Plan B, because if you've got an alternative lined up he's less likely to play silly-buggers.

Ican. Please ensure you have a back up babysitter, maybe a local teenager, to babysit. Because you may find this man becomes less helpful at some point.

Have you thought if you told him: 'okay I get your point about control over your life. I wish to relinquish all control. Sort out your own debts, pay your own bills. You can have the kids 2 nights a week if you wish, if you cannot manage or do not have space don't worry about it as I have it covered. You are no longer having them in my home. I believe there is a contact centre at x if you require it. I will be applying for maintainance. I no longer want to hear your money worries, they stopped being my concern long ago'.

Ironically If you told him this he would probably respect you more.

Sorry op but too many of us have been there.

Annie, I actually read that ...raucous cry of the cocklodger ... with a David Attenborough voice voice in my head.

No I am sorry but we got into debt together, as a couple and I am responsible for half of that debt, I am not going to stop paying it because I am not a total bitch and I would definitely feel like one if I did that.

I can't rely on a local teenager to watch my children 3 nights a week from 4pm until 12/1

He can do it, he is well aware that if he stops doing it I will apply for maintenance through the CSA and he will have to take me to court for the half of the debts that are in his name.

I have no issue paying for the things we spent/bought while we were together, they are my debts as well as his regardless of whose name they are in.

This is not an arrangement I am unhappy with, nor do I think I am giving him control over me. I am simply honouring agreements made when we were a couple, I do that because of who I am, not because of who HE is.

When the debts are paid, and you expect child support, won't he still have the same disposable income (and therefore blame you).

What are the debts for? Are they against an asset you could sell to pay the debts off?

anyway, I am pretty much done with constantly defending my right to actually be a reasonable adult on this forum.

Because that is all I am being and it seems unless you are prepared to hang the PARENT OF YOUR CHILDREN out to dry and leave them destitute with no way of seeing their children other than in a contact center twice a week (great for the kids I am sure) then you are evil incarnate and you can't possible have a gripe about ANY OTHER issues in the situation.

My issue here is completely the way he has spoken to me.

For example when I said 'you are speaking to me like I am a cunt and it is unacceptable given the vast variety of things I have done for you here are a few examples' and he decided to bring up me somehow making HIM feel bad about himself during our relationship, at this point I brought up the fact that he has constantly told me that I am not good enough/pretty enough/slim enough and that no matter what I do I will never be beautiful in his eyes etc etc.

He then back peddled furiously telling me that it was not a 'statement about our relationship' but just him telling me how I made him feel, to which I once again pointed out that I continuously reminded him that I was his heart body and soul for the duration of our relationship, a fact that he chooses to continuously overlook and in fact completely abused.

I think he does get it now, that actually I am not going to accept him telling me I am a bad person anymore and that if it carries on he will find himself in exceptionally hot water with not a legal hope in hell of sorting it out.

I am rational enough to understand that a relationship of 10 years takes more than 1 month to end, I get that and I am okay with that, I am not going to leave him high and dry, I am not going to abandon his chances of spending time in a normal family situation with the children and I am not going to sabotage our chance to have a friendship with each other when all of this is done and dusted.

I am just sick of him acting like I am some sort of monster when I am clearly nothing of the sort, it has been something he has done a lot in our relationship and has really made me doubt myself time and time again.

So sometimes I need to be able to TALK about the things he says to me and how they make me feel without having to constantly defend myself against a barrage of 'just fuck him over that'll learn him' because I am just not that sort of person and I am not going to suddenly change into that sort of person because 'mumsnet said'

I am realising how abusive he has been, I am realising how little he respects me and how much he has made me doubt my own mind and my own goodness.

But I am not going to allow that to cloud our family life, my work life or his relationship with the children.

Aussie I have pointed that out to him a couple of times but he just doesn't get it.

I have agreed to freeze maintenance for the next year, so he will just keep paying those joint bills and I will not push him for anymore after his pay rise until this time next year.

When we will see where we are.

Just as an aside OP - I manage to feed a family of 4 on about £200 a month. If I had that just for one person I can't actually think how to spend it without copious amounts of alcohol being involved.