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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has just come over and had a huge go at me

199 replies

ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 18:50

Basically because I have more money than he does, and I hear what he is saying, he has around £250 disposable income a month and he hates it.

The thing is, it is NOT my fault that he only has that, it really isn't, I try and be really cool about everything and end up paying out more than half of our shared bills but he still isn't happy.

All these veiled comments about what I 'get a week' and so on. Its really difficult.

He is in a shit place, I know it and I know that it is because we have separated (before I had to deal with the how to pay for everything with no fucking money)

I can't wait until we are properly separated and he feels able to stand on his own two feet. Its shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 19:52

I work in the cab office on weekend nights. Its good for him to see the children, I am happy with the arrangement.

It is absolutely the screams of it being 'so unfair' that drive me barmy.

He should get a pay rise in September and I will certainly be withdrawing a great deal from his nonsense.

Until then I really think I just have to put up with it. I just wish he would bloody well treat me like a human being in the mean time.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 16/07/2014 19:53

OK, given that you feel you do need to help him, could you just say to him I am already choosing to help you in ways I don't have to, that is enough. I do not choose to listen to your resentful moaning about my situation. Stop it, or I will stop helping you sort of thing?

Lweji · 16/07/2014 19:53

Does he work and how many days does he care for the children?

Lweji · 16/07/2014 19:54

Or rather, does he work ft?

flippinada · 16/07/2014 19:55

This is just awful though. Why do you feel you have to listen to him? You really don't.

If he starts on you, tell him you won't accept bring spoken to like that and ask him to leave. He sounds awful.

mrsspagbol · 16/07/2014 19:55

You need to change this situation. It's irrelevant that the debts are in his name - just pay the creditors.

You need to stop giving him money to live on! What motivation will he have to change his situation of you are there giving handouts?

And if you stop the handouts - as you should - he will just use the debt money to live on.

You really need to put some boundaries in place. The current situation will not end well.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 19:56

He works FT 37hrs per week.

He looks after the children 3 nights a week.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 16/07/2014 20:02

Wouldn't most dads be, you know, kind of chuffed to spend three nights a week with their DC? Especially if he's excused paying maintenance for them (I am taking the liberty of assuming this to be the case, given that you are passing money over to him for the debts - it would be a bit daft to have money going both ways when you could just trade one payment off against the other).

andsmile · 16/07/2014 20:03

You need to detach

Cocklodger coo coo ka choo

tribpot · 16/07/2014 20:04

Is he the dc's father?? You seem to think he's doing you a massive favour by looking after them whilst you work - you know, like you do when he works.

flippinada · 16/07/2014 20:04

Yes - deal with the creditors directly.

So what if he only has 250 pounds disposable income at the end of the month? Other people manage on less
Not your problem! And you definitely shouldn't be giving him subs although I'm sure you know that.

Have a good think about why you feel you have to listen to all this, absorb his nastiness and feel responsible for him to the point of bailing him out financially.

I may be wrong here but I suspect he's spent much of the relationship using you as an emotional/verbal punchbag, and trained you into thinking you deserve it or have to take it. You don't.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 20:05

He is supposed to pay maintenance but keeps it so that he has the amount needed to pay my half of the bills basically.

which is fine, we can do that for a year or so and then re-address things and see where we are.

OP posts:
mindyourown1 · 16/07/2014 20:08

the debt is in his name - so legally not your problem. If you do want to pay towards it pay them direct. Also if he is setting one foot in your house then he needs to stop. Why are you even speaking to him. He should pick up children and drop them off and that should be it.

I agree, sort your boundaries out pronto.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2014 20:08

ICanHearYou

No, you can't

mindyourown1 · 16/07/2014 20:09

and get him to pay you maintenance - you are legally entitled to that. He has no right to keep a penny from you.

flippinada · 16/07/2014 20:10

So basically, he doesn't pay maintenance, taps you for money and instead of thanking you, he launches verbal attacks?

He sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 20:14

He looks after the children here because he doesn't have suitable accommodation to look after them elsewhere.

He is paying the bills with the money, definitely.

I just want him to stop being so horrible to me. The real test will be in September I suppose, he will be getting more money from work and will Have to budget properly, I realise at the moment he is in a bit of a catch 22 where he just doesn't have enough money to survive.

Its all so messy.

OP posts:
flippinada · 16/07/2014 20:18

You spots like a lovely, kind and thoughtful person.

But it simply isn't your problem! I'm making an assumption here, but have you asked yourself why he isn't doing this with his family, or any of his friends? Would they not put up with it? Does he have any?

flippinada · 16/07/2014 20:19

Sorry! Spot should be sound.

LadySybilLikesCake · 16/07/2014 20:22

He's not going to stop being horrible, and paying him off like this will achieve nothing. Once this is sorted there will be something else. If he's not happy with his income he needs to work more, not scrounge off you and try to make you feel bad. Your income goes to support his children!

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 20:23

yes I tell him that Lady and I've tried to make him see that him spitting green with envy at my income is such a bad look.

If he is still a prick in September I promise to shift things around.

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 16/07/2014 20:27

Why wait until September? There will be 7 or 8 weeks of crap between now and then.

FantasticButtocks · 16/07/2014 20:31

I just want him to stop being so horrible to me. Don't stand for it. He is your Ex.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 16/07/2014 20:36

Well because in September his wage goes up and there will be no excuse for him not being able to bloody look after himself.

Until then I will suck it up. I can see that he is on the bones of his arse and it is really hard for him. Unfortunately (for him) I have been there for years and years and so I have limited sympathy.

I have agreed to help him through the next month and a bit, I will not go back on that agreement but he does need to be careful.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 16/07/2014 20:38

While we were in the hideously drawn-out process of divorcing, XH asked what would become of him (ie if I didn't stay and keep paying all the bills). I responded rather brutally that he could stay in a cardboard box under Charing Cross Bridge for all I cared. He was rather hurt by that, and repeated it to me a couple of times over the coming months, but I remained unmoved. As he got 50% of everything less joint debts, the same as I did, he should have been able to manage at least a good class wooden crate.