Is my marriage in crisis?

[ChaChaChaChanges]

I am married, we have children together, and I am currently in turmoil. I suspect I am being ridiculous.

DH and I have been together for almost ten years. We met when I was married to someone else (he was single at the time). We had an affair, and I left my first husband for now DH.

I fell unexpectedly pregnant 7 years ago. There was never any question that we would keep our baby. However, I developed suicidal PND, which I didn't seek help for. (DH and I both thought that everyone gets the baby blues, and DH in particular was very keen not to cause worry for our families by seeking help or telling anyone about it.)

After 18 months my PND improved and we conceived our second DC (planned). Sadly, I again got suicidal PND. This time I insisted on seeking help, and was on ADs for 2 years. I came off the ADs in Summer 2012. I wonder if I am getting depressed again.

Since DC2 was born, I have felt that I love DH but am no longer in love with DH. I have had to make myself have sex with DH, and have not enjoyed it 'once I was into it'. I haven't hated it either, but I got no pleasure from it. I would prefer not to.

I thought that that was enough. That we could effectively parent together, live together, make a life together as best friends. However, over time I have found that we have less and less in common, and some of the things he does are making me very resentful (leaving the bulk of housework to me despite us both working FT; putting his career ahead of mine; various bodily things like scratching himself and picking his nose in front of me that turn my stomach; he's a wind up merchant, generally at my expense; even his crappy jokes irritate me now).

To give him credit where it's due, he is at heart a kind, decent man. He loves me very much (he says). He tries to make me happy. He takes on equal child-caring responsibilities at the weekend (I do the vast majority during the week because he's at work; I get up at 4 each morning to get work done before the children wake because I simply can't get all my work done in core hours whereas he can work as late as he wants), he does the garden, he loves our children very much, he lets me have a bath each weekend evening while he does bedtime, he cooks the dinner most evenings when he's home (sometimes he has dinner with clients or colleagues).

I recently met someone. He has no interest in me whatsoever - the feelings are entirely on my side (I have a thread in Chat about it if anyone wants to look). However, it has thrown the issues in my marriage into sharp relief.

I don't know what to do. Do I muddle on with DH, keeping the family together? It would be largely for his benefit and for the children. Do I push again for marriage counselling (which DH has in the past refused)? Do I tell him I'm unhappy?

Any advice would be most appreciated.

I'm sorry I'm being so pathetic.

As a start, why don't you list every household task you do (including clearing up when he has been doing bath time etc), and every caring task you do, and every organisational task you do; and use that as a starting point. His defence may be he does x, y,z, so he can put it next to your list. All you are asking is that some tasks from your list are taken over to his list. That is nothing to do with depression, it is basic fairness.

I wouldn't even get into an argument about it, just observe and note how he reacts.

With regards to your neighbour's marriage I'm not sure what VA means, but your husband very much is EA, isn't he? He makes jokes at your expense, he tried to undermine your career, he criticizes your parenting, he does nothing to help you despite the fact that you really sound like you're at breaking point. I really hope you find a way out of this OP, it sounds like a miserable situation.

You are NOT being pathetic. You are worn down which is an entirely different matter.

Agree you are clearly not pathetic. You are worn down. Don't let your neighbour's situation detract from yours: the net result is the same.

You're certainly NOT pathetic!
You are worn down and crushed by someone who is EA. And before you say it, no it doesn't mean you havebitceasier than your neighbour. It just means he is using other ways, maybe not as obvious and right in your face.
Do you realise that you are actually scared to talk to him? Whatever he has done to you, he has managed to scare you enough that you don't dare raiding any concern or saying anything for fear of what he would do. And words can be just as hurtful than fits....

"I'm scared of the conversation itself. He will run rings around me. He will probably tell me it's my depression coming back (has done this in the past). I don't think he'll be physical."

This really resonates with me. I also fear bringing up difficult things - no matter how reasonable, because they will be thrown back in my face.

I get increased heart rate, a flushed face, a sick feeling like I am going to faint and I stutter as the words come out - essentially it is a panic attack...at asking for something normal...

I have a list of grievances as long as my arm and feel so frustrated, sad, angry and exhausted at the fact I can't bring them up safely. he has made it so by his reactions when I do bring things up.

Your husband has ensured that he doesn't have to answer to you and that if he does - you are depressed, mad or just plain wrong.

Well done , by the way for maintaining your work even when dealing with all of this. I find I can't focus on work as much as I should. it eats me up too much. I achieve so much less than I should.

My husband promised change and managed it for a year - but things have slipped or my eyes are open again.

In some ways I would say that your neighbour actually has an easier time of dealing with this, because VA (verbal abuse) and PA is out there, its overt, you can say "He did this, it is wrong" and no one would argue with you.

But EA is insidious, its vile and destructive because it doesnt destroy your body, it destroys your mind. Women have literally been made mentally ill through the constant accusations, gaslighting and questioning of oneself, I suspect you are one of them. Your depression came because of PND, it stayed and made you suicidal because he wouldnt help you and wouldnt allow you to seek help elsewhere.

You do know that you dont have to try and fix this dont you? You are a perfect liberty to end your marriage if you so choose.

I know you said that you want to say you tried everything but is that really true? Or is it perhaps because you are scared of going it alone? Have the years of being told you are not good enough convinced you that you could never cope alone? Is it a case of "Better the devil you

know"?

That is why I think that your best route is not to say, just do.

Just set that alarm.

"What the jeff, why didn't you wake me up, what's that ringing noise across the other side of the room?"

"Oh, I just thought this would be a good idea - it has done the job quite well"

Next day - repeat.

Or does the 'waking up' involve more to it?

I'm sorry I'm being so pathetic

You're really not being pathetic. You're in a manipulative, probably abusive relationship with the one person who should NOT be abusing or manipulating you.

You are living a horrible life caused by the person who's supposed to love you most. It's unsurprising that you are in denial, as it would be top hard up continue if you admitted this. But in order for anything to change you do have to become aware of what's going on.

I am planning to talk to DH tonight. We have a babysitter booked and will be going out for dinner.

I have made a list of all of the chores required to run our household, how they are currently allocated, and how I think they could be reallocated between us to make it fairer.

The most important change I am going to propose is that he takes on primary childcare on weekday mornings so I can get up at 6 and be out of the house by 6:15. If he agrees then 4am starts should be a thing of the past.

I have a few other things on my wish list - him to take responsibility for the bins, the shopping and the car maintenance, without me having to nag or even think about them anymore - but childcare on weekday mornings the big one.

I don't exactly know what I will do if he says no.

One other thing on my wish list sounds really trivial but in fact I've realised it's important to me - I want 30 minutes on one day of the weekend to watch one of my TV programmes. Usually we either watch a programme we both quite like, or he has one of his programmes on. Is it ridiculous that I should kick him off the TV for 30 minutes once a week so I can watch The Big Bang Theory or America's Next Top Model?

No, it's not.

What is ridiculous is that you should have to make a point of asking for half an hour a week on the TV.

This guy is sounding worse and worse.

WHY do you want to stay with him? I just dont get it.

Because he's my children's father and they love him very much.

Because I did once love him very much and hope to do so again if he changes.

Because I'm clinging to the hope that he's thoughtless rather than deliberately malicious, and simply hasn't noticed the things I have every intention of raising.

Sorry but I don't get it either.

Of course he's noticed!!!
Blimey - you really are in denial here.

What ultimatum are you going to give him?
What are your going to say if he says NO?
You need to have this ready and planned.

'Well then unfortunately, DH, our relationship is now over and you need to move out.
I will help you pack but you need to be gone by the end of this weekend'
Etc....

It's so frustrating hearing you make excuse after excuse for this complete knob-jockey.

Ok, I dont agree with your reasoning but ok.

Now you have to have a plan in place for when he says no, this is your problem things are fine as far as he is concerned.

What then? Because if you roll over and say "Oh, ok then" and go back to the old routine he has no reason to change does he? He has never had to deal with any consequences of his bad behaviour before so I see no reason why he should believe anything will happen this time. Everything is always your fault so why do you think he will sit up and take notice this time?

In all honesty the best thing you can do is to leave him. It will give a clear message that you are not going to put up with his shit anymore and that you mean it. That you will only come back if things change and STAY changed, that if he starts backsliding again you will go and stay gone. One chance only.

But I dont think you will do that, which really saddens me. You are sacrificing your life for your childrens relationship with their father and no one appreciates a martyr. They would still have a relationship with him if you split up, in fact from what you have described, they would have more one to one time with him than they do now.

But that isnt what you want to hear is it?

Now you have to have a plan in place for when he says no, this is your problem things are fine as far as he is concerned.

I will say in that case we need to go to couples' counselling because I don't think I can get past his refusal.

If he says that he won't go to couples' counselling then I will tell him that our relationship is over. He won't move out, so I will move into the spare room and we will put the house on the market.

Do your parents know how bad it he is?

I'm very much struggling with the notion that any blame attaches to him, TBH.

Why, why would you think like this? He's got you right where he wants you, hasn't he?

I think you need personal counselling before you even think of couples' counselling.

My parents know nothing.

But then they live 2 hours away, my DM is wheelchair bound with limited use of her arms and my DSF is recovering from cancer.

BTW, on the saying it's my problem point. (I'm thinking aloud here.)

He certainly will acknowledge that there's a problem. He knows that I'm not happy. He often asks me to talk to him about what's wrong (I haven't been ready to, before now).

He will offer solutions. His solutions will be:

• to visit the GP for help with depression
• to reduce my working hours
• to ask our nanny to do more (there might be a grain of truth in that, but I don't want to get side-tracked)
• to learn to let the chores go

My planned response to all of those is: "I don't want anti-depressants/to reduce my hours/to let chores pile up because they all need to be done eventually - I want a husband who shares the burden with me and treats me as a respected equal."

How does that sound?

Couples Counselling is not recommended in an abusive situation, and his manipulation of you is abusive. Manipulative people can also manipulate professionals. Could you handle a professional telling you that everything is indeed your fault? That everything he says is ok and you should still be doing everything you are doing now and be bloody grateful to have him? It happens, believe me.

I agree that you need therapy for yourself to find out how you got in this situation and how to free yourself from the guilt that is keeping you there.