Is my marriage in crisis?

[ChaChaChaChanges]

I am married, we have children together, and I am currently in turmoil. I suspect I am being ridiculous.

DH and I have been together for almost ten years. We met when I was married to someone else (he was single at the time). We had an affair, and I left my first husband for now DH.

I fell unexpectedly pregnant 7 years ago. There was never any question that we would keep our baby. However, I developed suicidal PND, which I didn't seek help for. (DH and I both thought that everyone gets the baby blues, and DH in particular was very keen not to cause worry for our families by seeking help or telling anyone about it.)

After 18 months my PND improved and we conceived our second DC (planned). Sadly, I again got suicidal PND. This time I insisted on seeking help, and was on ADs for 2 years. I came off the ADs in Summer 2012. I wonder if I am getting depressed again.

Since DC2 was born, I have felt that I love DH but am no longer in love with DH. I have had to make myself have sex with DH, and have not enjoyed it 'once I was into it'. I haven't hated it either, but I got no pleasure from it. I would prefer not to.

I thought that that was enough. That we could effectively parent together, live together, make a life together as best friends. However, over time I have found that we have less and less in common, and some of the things he does are making me very resentful (leaving the bulk of housework to me despite us both working FT; putting his career ahead of mine; various bodily things like scratching himself and picking his nose in front of me that turn my stomach; he's a wind up merchant, generally at my expense; even his crappy jokes irritate me now).

To give him credit where it's due, he is at heart a kind, decent man. He loves me very much (he says). He tries to make me happy. He takes on equal child-caring responsibilities at the weekend (I do the vast majority during the week because he's at work; I get up at 4 each morning to get work done before the children wake because I simply can't get all my work done in core hours whereas he can work as late as he wants), he does the garden, he loves our children very much, he lets me have a bath each weekend evening while he does bedtime, he cooks the dinner most evenings when he's home (sometimes he has dinner with clients or colleagues).

I recently met someone. He has no interest in me whatsoever - the feelings are entirely on my side (I have a thread in Chat about it if anyone wants to look). However, it has thrown the issues in my marriage into sharp relief.

I don't know what to do. Do I muddle on with DH, keeping the family together? It would be largely for his benefit and for the children. Do I push again for marriage counselling (which DH has in the past refused)? Do I tell him I'm unhappy?

Any advice would be most appreciated.

about the carrier bag!

How do it start the conversation? I don't know how to start. Would writing a letter be cowardly?

I would say don't talk first, just begin making some changes then wait for him to notice, then discuss it.

Yeah, like not running his bath for him!

And if he asks why you haven't done it, smile pleasantly and say "well, I think you could probably do it yourself, couldn't you, as I'm a rather busy at the moment."

My eyebrows went up and stayed up at "run his bath". You are not his maid.

Haven't read whole thread but just wanted to say I couldn't stay with a man who wanted me to go through suicidal PND without support or help because of what other people might think. I think I would never forgive that.

Also, I, like many people, am not a morning person. The day could start at 11am and I'd be ok with that. But when you have children your preferences cease to matter. If your children are up, you get up. You don't continue to snooze in bed knowing full well your partner has been up since 4am...

My DP works nights and gets to bed at four. He still manages to get up at nine to see the baby before nursery (then goes back to bed).

I've just taught DS1 (who's 6) how to use the washing machine. I'm sick of DH telling me to relax in the bath while he does bedtime, only to come downstairs to chaos - dirty clothes piled outside the washing machine (by DS1, at DH's instruction), milk cups scattered around, etc etc.

I offered to teach DH at the same time. He said he already knows. So why leave every stitch of clothing on the floor next to the washing machine instead of putting a load on, FFS? He also said he doesn't approve of DS1 learning to do the washing unless an adult me is with him. Why? Why?

Things are going to change around here. I'm just working out how.

Tomorrow, I'm going to tell DH that I'm going to be setting an alarm for him rather than waking him. I don't quite dare to tell him tonight.

He leaves it because in his head it's not his job, it's yours. It's got nothing to do with sense and everything to do with entitlement. You are supposed to do it, end of thought.

He doesn't want DS to do it because A) he's a boy, and it's women's work and B) IT WILL SHOW HIM UP IF HIS 6 YEAR OLD DOES IT!

And don't set the alarm for him! Tell him how he wakes up on time is now his problem. He's an adult, he can figure it out himself! It's not your job!!

Although, on a more sober note, if you are too scared to tell him then I'm afraid you are in an abusive relationship as that's practically the defining characteristic. Please google the Freedom program. It may help you understand where everyone else is coming from whilst you find it hard to see.

He leaves it because you always do the washing. Just stop. Do your own, and leave the rest.

Honestly I've been a single parent with a career. It's much easier than the hell you are living through now.

LTB

I am a single parent with a career. I am sorry, I could only read to the second page as it reminded me of my xH. I feel stressed just reading it as it used to be my life.

Honestly, it is easier on your own.

Notquite, agree, but in addition, treating your supposed partner like a servant, making sure they do not sleep enough, putting them down, and that is just from what I read, is abusive too. Have a think, OP, about what happened to make you accept all this? It won't have happened overnight.

Tomorrow, I'm going to tell DH that I'm going to be setting an alarm for him rather than waking him. I don't quite dare to tell him tonight.
I agree that if you are too frightened to tell him then you are in an abusive relationship. Talk to www.womensaid.org.uk/

But when you are feeling brave, say "I have set your alarm for tomorrow" and for the next week say "dont forget to set your alarm" and then...nothing.

He will forget, he will blame you, but dont allow him to. Take back the control. It wont be easy, but long term it will be worth it.

I didn't tell him.

Do speak to Women's Aid. They are not only there to help people who are being physically abused; what you have been describing is psychological abuse.

What is holding you back from telling him? What do you think he will do?

I have been feeling quite uncomfortable reading this thread. Reason being: I accepted this too. For ten long years and at times I was I'll from exhaustion. I still struggle to identify with it consciously, it's so hard to realized you have settled for something downright awful. I agree this relationship is abusive and oppressive.

I left (not in a planned way, just couldn't take it any more). I am currently 'no contact' with STBXH. I left him a year ago and only just starting to recover and connect with who I am.

Should add a salient point: life is immeasurably better without him in my life.

My NDN, who fed the cat while we were away, came round last night to day that she's hidden documents in our house. It's part of her escape plan for leaving her H, who turns out to be properly EA, VA and once PA. It put my problems into the shade.

I think the point is that physical abuse is easier to see. It is part of a spectrum of behaviours to control another person. The same is true for other types of intimate partner abuse. Somehow your H has got you into a position where you are run ragged catering to his needs; and for whatever reason (fear?) you don't know how to start a conversation about this with him.

If you can stand up in front of 900 people and present, the reason is not because you do not have a voice.

I would imagine from your perspective, talk of leaving and Women's Aid seems overblown, and possibly quite scary, because you want your marriage to work. But at the moment, it is working at your expense.

I'm scared of the conversation itself. He will run rings around me. He will probably tell me it's my depression coming back (has done this in the past). I don't think he'll be physical.