We are having a sex problem

[ChickDaney]

Some info: my H and I have been together for 5 years married for 2.5 no children yet

We have not had sex since last Monday so 6 days. We can't have PIV sex at the moment because i'm late for my depo injection (you have to get it every 12 weeks and I couldn't get an appointment until tomorrow which will be 13) and you cant have sex (protected or not) after that time because they won't give it to you if there's even a 1% chance of pregnancy. Trust me I've been there.

so - no sex until after the injection. DH has been moody and not really talking to me pretty much all of the day due to me not wanting to have the "other kinds" of sex last night. TBF I was pretty shirty after the second no and told him to basically get off and stop groping me.

I had finally had enough of the atmosphere and we've had a massive row. He says that he feels like I don't want him. He understands we can't have PIV sex but thinks we should still be able to do "other stuff". My response is I don't like oral and never have (receiving or giving) and if he wants to masturbate go ahead i'm fine and would rather wait. Obviously i'm paraphrasing I'm pretty sure I said "For fucks sake go and have a fucking wank" at least once.

If you have got this far - the result of the row was this - I will research sex that doesn't involve PIV to see if there is anything I would like to try and he will try not to make me feel like shit when I dont want to have sex. So PLEASE help by

1. Sex ideas that dont involve PIV or oral
2. Ideas about how can he not create an atmosphere if he is feeling like I don't want him (Kisses, hugs and telling him don't count)

Evening all I am feeling the need for more background info. Apologies about typos I'm on my phone. No other red flag behaviour he doesn't speak to me like a lower life form, monitor my activity, care how I dress etc. Gets on with my family as well as I do and is genuinely my best friend

But did you discuss other ways of being 'emotionally close' that he feels he is lacking by not having sex for 6 days/a fortnight?

oh dear oh dear oh dear - mostly all missing the point on this-it would seem the sex life is totally limited,unimaginative and unadventurous at any time. No Oral,no mutual masturbation,probably no foreplay !He should wake up and realise the limitaions of the sex life anyway and both should get some sex counselling.

The OP doesn't need counselling to learn how to be more 'imaginative' Ridiculous.

Each person is comfortable with what they are.

As mentioned previously, it's possible that her OH would wish for more diversity or whatever.
BUT, that is achieved through encouragement, support. mutual understanding, a lot of love and respect for the wishes of the partner who doesn't want to do whatever.
NOT by sulking or demanding whatever in sexual terms.

People who like oral may be considered too tame by those into S&M. Do people into S&M have the right to tell you off for "only" liking oral and not bondage or whipping? No.

Oh, and by the way. I found that "no, we don't need to have sex today, we can just cuddle" is quite a turn on. Even for doing things to the other person instead of full on sex. Just saying...

I also think your dh is being a ginormous baby and it doesn't bode well for you having any actual babies. I'm also happily married. Hope your dh sees sense!

Sounds like a creep.

For medical reasons we cannot have PIV sex for 9 months. Yes, 9 months bloody anticoagulants and bleedy cervix.
DH clearly enjoys PIV sex with me but would never dream of risking my health, and wouldn't sulk or be angry at me (although frustrated with the situation) and tell me to fix it by doing anything that wasn't my idea IYSWIM.
That's respect.
I'm not 'witholding' sex because of not being attracted, a Dr told me not to.
A grown up human understands that and works round it... doesn't use it as an excuse to pressurise their partner!

I found that "no, we don't need to have sex today, we can just cuddle" is quite a turn on. Even for doing things to the other person instead of full on sex. Just saying...

This is just personal opinion. Its like me saying I like salt and vinegar and you responding with "I like cheese and onion"

You have rather proven the point that I made earlier, who are we to say how other people should feel that their emotional and/or sexual needs can be met. Just as you have stated, some think oral the height of debauchery and others would laugh and want their arse whipped. Each to their own. Maybe OPs DH really feels that his emotional need to feel desired is met through sex, any sort of sex, or even just the usual rather limited range of options on offer in this relationship.

Whilst it isn't for us to suggest that OP consider some of the suggestions put forward by her DH, it is also not for us to say that this man should just accept that his needs are going to be unmet...

And yes, long term relationships suffer droughts because of multiple factors. Some factors may even rule out any form of activity, things like serious illness or disability. But in this case, OP says she still desires DH but simply cannot have PIV, but there is a lack of an alternative because she has decided that no alternative will be pursued.

The point, Mini, is that accepting that the other person, at that particular time, doesn't feel like sex shows love, respect and consideration. It may actually help the other person feel more loved up and thus more inclined to have sex or give pleasure.
Unlike pressure, which shows the opposite and it's a mood killer.

Sex sulkers are just shooting themselves on the foot.

Shooting themselves on the foot

Lweji, I won't disagree with you on that. However if the intention of the person saying ""no, we don't need to have sex today, we can just cuddle"is actually that they would really prefer this lead to sex, then it becomes a complete turn off. We all pick up on nuanced behaviour. What motivates someone's behaviour can be different to the actual presentation of that behaviour. Its just a different form of coercion. When someone says one thing whilst thinking another, well, that is a turn off. And it would seem that for this DH, it is implausible that this cuddling is the object of his motivation, because cuddling obviously doesn't meet his emotional needs. If it did we wouldn't be having this conversation!

I didn't mean it as manipulation.
I mean it when it happens that it doesn't feel like having sex when suggested. We can only say that we don't feel like sex (or do feel like it) the very moment we are asked. We cannot know how we will feel in 5 min, half an hour or later in the day.

I was referring to saying no, all being ok, and having a cuddle and suddenly going "hang on...". It never happens when saying no is not ok, surprisingly, though.

It may be that the person asking initially doesn't feel later on, and that should be fine too.

All I can say to those who are saying this is op's fault/he will have an affair/having sex you don't want is no big deal etc, is that I didn't clock up 25yrs with the same man because he sulked about not having sex FOR A WEEK!!

And in those 25yrs, we have had a few droughts, and I must say that I would hardly consider 2 weeks a 'drought' to be fair.

Dh & I once didn't have sex for almost a yr due to some medical issues, but we got through it by talking, being close in other ways.

At no point did either of us feel the need to embark on an affair, or sulk. Because that isn't what adults do.

Great post squizita

Aside from the medical issues, of course. Sorry to hear about that!

But in this case, OP says she still desires DH but simply cannot have PIV, but there is a lack of an alternative because she has decided that no alternative will be pursued.

Which is her right to do so, she shouldn't be vilified for it or subjected to a sulking man-child!

Bottom line is they are sexually incompatible.

Bottom line is that a person who thinks they can demand and sulk over sex is incompatible with anyone who has any self esteem.

And the op is certainly incompatible with anyone who doesn't respect her when she says no.

it is also not for us to say that this man should just accept that his needs are going to be unmet...

For TWO WEEKS ...that is not a deal breaker in a long term relationship, that's not 'needs' it's 'wants'. Long term relationships will have 2 week gaps (babies, illness, business trips...).

I don't know why everyone's harping on about the six day thing. I think he's made it pretty clear what the problem is- if she doesn't want to do anything then he sees that as her rejecting him. Which I can understand. If you make advances to your partner and they reject you, it's easy to wonder why.... Doesn't he fancy me, doesn't he want me? Etc etc.
OP I think you just need to keep reassuring him that you do want him and fancy him, and that you just don't always feel like sex.

But seriously, most people will at some point not feel like sex. As an adult in a long term relationship, he needs to get his head straight about that. If he is going to take it as a massive rejection every time she's not in the mood, I'm sorry but I still think he's the one with the problem here.

Yes it's easy to wonder why, but in a relationship where the sex is normally fine for them both and the break from sex has been brief, he needs to pull up his big boy pants and understand that occasionally not being in the mood does not mean she doesn't fancy him any more. It's not that difficult a concept, surely.

If they don't have sex for months on end, then he'll have more reason to wonder why (though the answer then still isn't to sulk and demand, it's for both partners to TALK kindly and lovingly about it). It's totally normal to not feel like sex for a week or even two at a time, without any implication that you find your partner unattractive, and sorry but I think that should be bleeding obvious to everyone in a long term relationship.

If you make advances to your partner and they reject you, it's easy to wonder why.... Doesn't he fancy me, doesn't he want me?

No I don't wonder that & neither does dh. Because we TALK about how we are feeling. And I know, as does he, if the other isn't wanting sex it is usually because we just don't want sex...we don't sulk, we don't feel rejected.

We are old enough to know that "no" to sex (especially in op's position, where it just isn't possible due to not being protected) is just that & are usually happy with a cuddle. Perhaps it is because we aren't insecure enough to think that if our vagina & penis are not touching, that this equals being rejected.

I agree with both of you, different and flappity, but I think OP's partner just needs to realise it. He should know already of course but he could learn!

He could learn. The question is whether he will.
I hope he does, but I wouldn't stick around for long if after a while he is still sulking.