We are having a sex problem

[ChickDaney]

Some info: my H and I have been together for 5 years married for 2.5 no children yet

We have not had sex since last Monday so 6 days. We can't have PIV sex at the moment because i'm late for my depo injection (you have to get it every 12 weeks and I couldn't get an appointment until tomorrow which will be 13) and you cant have sex (protected or not) after that time because they won't give it to you if there's even a 1% chance of pregnancy. Trust me I've been there.

so - no sex until after the injection. DH has been moody and not really talking to me pretty much all of the day due to me not wanting to have the "other kinds" of sex last night. TBF I was pretty shirty after the second no and told him to basically get off and stop groping me.

I had finally had enough of the atmosphere and we've had a massive row. He says that he feels like I don't want him. He understands we can't have PIV sex but thinks we should still be able to do "other stuff". My response is I don't like oral and never have (receiving or giving) and if he wants to masturbate go ahead i'm fine and would rather wait. Obviously i'm paraphrasing I'm pretty sure I said "For fucks sake go and have a fucking wank" at least once.

If you have got this far - the result of the row was this - I will research sex that doesn't involve PIV to see if there is anything I would like to try and he will try not to make me feel like shit when I dont want to have sex. So PLEASE help by

1. Sex ideas that dont involve PIV or oral
2. Ideas about how can he not create an atmosphere if he is feeling like I don't want him (Kisses, hugs and telling him don't count)

YOU CAN'T FIX HIM.

"he does not know of anything apart from sex that gives him that feeling. "

If this is serious and if the only way he feels emotional closeness is through sex then he has a very skewed and troubling concept of love. So when you say you 'love each other' .... that's not strictly true any more is it? After just six days.... six days.... without PIV he's claiming to doubt the strength of your affection. He doesn't think you love him any more. Really?

That either means he thinks you're liar, or he's trying to coerce you. Neither of those are acceptable in a life partner. I suggest this is a wake-up call for you both

He sounds very immature. Six days is not long at all - it sounds like he needs the attention as much as sex. Contraception is a joint responsibility - you are going through the physical side and he should be supporting you. I would think long and hard before having a baby with someone who has an attitude like this. For various reasons there can be very long stretches during pregnancy and after childbirth (and just when you're knackered) where sex may not be happening. He doesn't sound kind.

Well there are plenty of things you can do, (dh & myself went through almost a yr long PIV drought, not once did he sulk though) but I am not going to share them because they won't stop his emotionally manipulative attitude.

You need to sort this out op, because having this issue, less than 3yrs after marriage is NOT good. If left, it will get worse.

You need to decide if you can live with that!

"...the problem is his response is that that doesn't help him with how he feels - he feels like I don't fancy him when this happens so he would still be unhappy/creating an atmosphere..."

My suggestion is he goes and sees a counsellor to sort that out. It's his problem, not yours. Any reasonable person would just kiss and cuddle then have a wank, not feel as though his partner doesn't love him after only 6 days. To me, his reaction to you saying no to sex is a massive issue and one only he can fix.

You have not had sex for SIX days and he's sulking!!! Hope he is prepared that if and when you have a baby it could be more like six months! He needs to get a grip!

Regardless of other methods of getting or giving sexual pleasure, it is not the point here.
He sulks due to lack of sex for 6 days because of a procedure that will give him risk free and period free sex for at least one year.
You are subjecting yourself to hormones so that he gets sex. And you too, of course. But what about him? What is he sacrificing? Not much.

And if you aren't in the mood, then you aren't. End of.

Is this bloke "emotionally close" to his mother, his father, his best friend, his siblings ? How does that work then ?

During my two pregnancies and for 3 months after, DH and I didn't have PIV sex and that was just the successful ones. We remained very close, and there was not a peep out of him. So that is a year each time.

Your bloke reminds me of that situation where sexually abusive men coerce women into having sex as they recover on the post natal ward.

I was married to a sex sulker.
It killed my sex desire for him, my love for him and it led to the end of the marriage.
His response actually became dv. In addition to the emotional abuse he was already subjecting me to in that respect.

See if he takes responsibility over this and how he deals with it.

It's great when sex is regular and you're happy to have it. But these little cracks will become canyons when things don't go his way.

He insists that this is not an orgasm issue it is an emotional closeness issue and that he does not know of anything apart from sex that gives him that feeling
Bollocks! Cuddling, holding hands, lying together in bed & chatting..all the things that can be used to fulfil his 'emotional' needs. He can stop feeling undesired. His problem is that he links sex with love! He needs to get out of that mindset, because he is feeding you lines that 16yr old 'horny' school boys use.

Next he will be telling he NEEDS sex, otherwise his balls hurt (it's crap, btw)

Yes sex gives closeness but so do hugs, kisses, holding hands, little texts or a phonecall during the day. There a a hundred ways to feel close, sex is not the only one. He is just trying to justify being an arse.

If he genuinely (although it's obviously horseshit) cannot feel close to you without having sexual activity, then you should leave him, because that would indicate that he is so immensely emotionally stunted, and suffers from a whole heap of deep-rooted psychological issues, that he is not fit to be in a relationship, for the sake of both of you.

OP, you do realise that if you have to get your OH to 'try not to be a dick', this means the relationship is already doomed, surely you do? Not being a dick is a base level requirement of decent adults.

And to those who keep suggesting sexual things the OP could try - SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING SEXUAL. Which part of her repeatedly stating that are you missing?!?! Some people are so fixated by the misogynist bullshit that women are responsible for men's sexual needs (and everything else) that they can't conceptualise the actual truth, ie he should shut up and have a wank and stop being a twat, and find normal ways of experiencing closeness to his partner, instead of demanding she acts like his personal fucktoy. No wonder she's questioning the concept of making someone else happy, if others perpetuate the myth that she should provide sexual gratification for him.

If the OP was about someone becoming vegetarian and her OH kept pestering her to eat meat, would people be bombarding her with meaty recipes?! FFS.

How does this work? Does this mean that unless you'll be having frequent PIV sex for the duration of your relationship, he'll be emotionally unavailable to you whenever it's not on the menu?

That doesn't sound great.

Re-reading your title, it should be
"I'm having a twat problem"

or

"I'm having a sex pest problem"

A question there, has he never been told 'no sex today' for any other reason that the woman he was with didn't fancy him? Has he never said no to sex to a woman for any other reason than the fact he didn't fancy her?
Does he really think that men and women should always be up for sex whatever else is happening in their lives?

I'm sure there has been time when he didn't feel like it. I'm sure you can think if times when he didn't feel line it.

If what he thinks us really 'if the woman I am with doesn't want to aex always means she isn't attracted by me/doesn't live me anymore' then he has a lot if growing up to do.

He's insecure. That's the problem. His problem. He should think about working on become secure in himself and not relying on you to bolster his self-esteem, because there's nothing less sexy than an insecure whiny partner. If he needs help with this self-esteem issue I suggest he looks into therapy.

He insists that this is not an orgasm issue it is an emotional closeness issue and that he does not know of anything apart from sex that gives him that feeling
Bollocks! Cuddling, holding hands, lying together in bed & chatting..all the things that can be used to fulfil his 'emotional' needs

I don't think it is as simple as saying we have a right to decide how people feel their own emotional needs can be met. Quite frankly some people want to be tied up in the dark for an hour, yep that sounds odd, but they will tell you it meets their emotional needs. Other's want to talk, others stare into each other's eyes, other's dream together and hold hands.

I think many men might feel the same as OP's DH, that their emotional needs and the need to feel desired is only attainable through sex. Its nothing new. I'm neither endorsing this or saying its wrong.

To be honest, I would never consider a relationship with someone with whom I was sexually incompatible. So if my partner was loathe to try things and basically thought under the duvet in the dark PIV was the height of depravity and anything else simply off bounds...I would run. The fact that DPs DH has suggested oral which is, lets face it quite normal, and she doesn't like this, actually is a much bigger issue than no sex for six days.

Oh, and all this bollocks about it being his problem, he is selfish, no one should have to make another happy, let him sulk, he's immature... is quite frankly, a product of minds that have been infected with the ideology of individual self before all else. I mean, why should anyone want to make their lover happy? that is is 1950s. Of course one should want to make another happy. On the flip side, what right would he have to expect OP to make him happy at the expense of her own happiness. None. Which is why, incompatibility in an area of ones life that is so personal, individual and deeply psychologically entrenched is a recipe for unhappiness.

Why is it a bigger issue Mini TheMix? So what if OP doesn't like oral?

FFS we're talking 6 days! Hardly the end of the world.

Yes so what, but he does. Neither is suggesting alternatives. Does this mean oral is actually quite important to him? maybe, maybe not. I am simply saying that incompatibility is a bigger problem than 6 days without PIV

My ex remained abroad for a while after DS and i came home. He kept saying to me 'Are you going to make me happy when I come back to England?'

Over and over I had to reply that Happiness is not something anyone can do for anyone else. We are all responsible for our own happiness.

It's not an individualistic view, it's a recognition that we are responsible for our own mood and that if we are unhappy about something we have the right to raise it, but understand that we can't ask others to be something they are not.

What this 'man' is suggesting is ridiculous and he has NO right to make the OP feel like this over 6 flaming days. What if something happened to the OP that made PIV impossible for the rest of her life, would he sulk for the rest of his life, making her life a misery because of something out of her control?

Unless this guy takes responsibility for his own issues, he really is dead in the water. he hasn't got a hope of being a decent DH long term, and certainly not a good father.

The only thing I would give him would be Divorce Papers, but that is because I know that someone with this warped view of women and skewed sense of entitlement won't change, and will only actually get worse.

"a product of minds that have been infected with the ideology of individual self before all else"

This is nothing to do with 'individual self', it's about consensual sex. You know... that quaint old-fashioned notion of both parties agreeing to sexual contact rather than one piling on the pressure and the other giving in for a quiet life?

If you are ever planning on having kids, he really needs to get his head round the possibility of no sex for weeks / months. Seriously. If you're considering kids and this is his attitude towards your relationship and sex, you have a genuine issue here that needs serious consideration.