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Original poster

We are having a sex problem

172 replies

ChickDaney · 13/07/2014 22:11

Some info: my H and I have been together for 5 years married for 2.5 no children yet

We have not had sex since last Monday so 6 days. We can't have PIV sex at the moment because i'm late for my depo injection (you have to get it every 12 weeks and I couldn't get an appointment until tomorrow which will be 13) and you cant have sex (protected or not) after that time because they won't give it to you if there's even a 1% chance of pregnancy. Trust me I've been there.

so - no sex until after the injection. DH has been moody and not really talking to me pretty much all of the day due to me not wanting to have the "other kinds" of sex last night. TBF I was pretty shirty after the second no and told him to basically get off and stop groping me.

I had finally had enough of the atmosphere and we've had a massive row. He says that he feels like I don't want him. He understands we can't have PIV sex but thinks we should still be able to do "other stuff". My response is I don't like oral and never have (receiving or giving) and if he wants to masturbate go ahead i'm fine and would rather wait. Obviously i'm paraphrasing I'm pretty sure I said "For fucks sake go and have a fucking wank" at least once.

If you have got this far - the result of the row was this - I will research sex that doesn't involve PIV to see if there is anything I would like to try and he will try not to make me feel like shit when I dont want to have sex. So PLEASE help by

  1. Sex ideas that dont involve PIV or oral
  2. Ideas about how can he not create an atmosphere if he is feeling like I don't want him (Kisses, hugs and telling him don't count)
OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 14/07/2014 00:00

This feeling of rejection by him shows he has bigger issues. It's not you it's him.

It's clear why you couldn't have sex. He somehow twisted it into this I'm not attractive nonsense. It had nothing to do with that at all. Talk about a guilt trip.

When I opened the thread I was going to suggest sex therapy with Relate but perhaps your h needs individual therapy to deal with his own issues.

No woman wants to even masturbate with a h who sulks, let alone oral. It's meant to be a mutually enjoyable experience, doing things you're both happy with. Not feeling like you ought to to keep the peace.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 00:03

Just get him a blow up doll and be done with it

olderguy · 14/07/2014 00:15

I've been there as a man not getting any. It's a very childish response which he probably knows and realises and petulantly holds on too. Just make him feel loved and both plan for sexy night when you can and want to have sex again

ilovehotsauce · 14/07/2014 00:17

Tell him to get a fucking grip!!! It's 6days! Me and dh had sex about 8 max! In the WHOLE of 2013! Due to pregnancy having hg/being freaked out that there was a person inside me! And then a newborn! If he's like this now WTF will he do if it's longer than 2 weeks? [Hmm] priorities! Tell him where to go!

botanicbaby · 14/07/2014 00:21

the 'result' of the row was that YOU would research sex to see if there's anything YOU would like to try. Jeeeze no wonder you don't feel like doing 'anything else' with him. Moody, sulky & selfish when not getting your own way is not a particularly attractive quality.

how about telling him you've researched it and you'd quite happily like to be be left alone. It's all about him, isn't it? "ideas about how HE can not create an atmosphere if he is feeling rejected" - beggars belief...how about not being so f-ing entitled in the first place.

EverythingCounts · 14/07/2014 00:29

I know it's been said but.. 6 days? Seriously? First world problems doesn't even begin to cover it. Tell him you still desperately want to believe you are married to an adult, not a child, and an adult would be able to either a) cope with a lack of gratification for longer than 6 days, o b) provide their own and avoid moaning to their partner. Doing research FFS.

Lweji · 14/07/2014 00:40

I really think you should tell him to stop the moodiness or he'll go permanently without sex with you.

In fact, and given his reaction, along with groping, don't have children with him.

Is he usually this selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings?
Nobody should have sex to appease their partner.

Original poster
ChickDaney · 14/07/2014 01:11

An update from the argument.
He has agreed that it is not ok for me to have any kind of sex that I don't want to.
He has said, however, that this does not change how he feels and that he will still feel undesired and that he can't change his feelings. He insists that this is not an orgasm issue it is an emotional closeness issue and that he does not know of anything apart from sex that gives him that feeling.

We love each other, we are not getting divorced. He is going to try not to be a dick about it, and I still don't know what to do. so shit all round really.

OP posts:
LiberalLibertines · 14/07/2014 01:21

He can't think of any other possible way to feel close to you than having sex? What a load of bollocks.

I hope you find a way forward op,I couldn't put up with his attitude.

CleopatrasAsp · 14/07/2014 01:58

It is possible to be very emotionally close to someone without having sex with them - that's why there are such things as emotional affairs. If he's not mature/imaginative enough how to figure out how to get close to you in other ways then tough shit really.

I suspect, though, that this has little to do with wanting to be 'emotionally close' to you at all and more to do with trying to manipulate you into having some form of sex with him when you don't want to.

joanofarchitrave · 14/07/2014 02:17

Ok. So you are having the injection tomorrow and his barren desert of emotional distance that has lasted 7 whole days will presumably end.

I've heard this a lot - that some people express and receive love and intimacy only through sex. It still doesn't explain why he feels the need to be sulky and unpleasant to the person he has been so desperate to feel that emotional closeness to, even if his preferred route isn't available. Especially, but not only, because it is so completely counterproductive.

He definitely can change his feelings. His feelings are not some set in stone, certain parts of his personality. They can't be denied, they are real, but yes they can be changed.

Dirtybadger · 14/07/2014 03:06

6 days? He'd still be bragging about his latest conquest if he was single and wouldn't be looking for another for a couple of weeks. Man needs some perspective. I think he needs to find another way of feeling "emotionally connected" to you. It's not normal or healthy to rely exclusively on sex.

I've heard some other people try massages, hugs, mutual activities (walking, yoga, drawing, whatever). Talking is supposed to be popular.

I'm far more angry on your behalf than I imagine you were, almost.

3littlefrogs · 14/07/2014 04:47

Do not even contemplate having children with this man.
Thank goodness you have discovered his true colours now and not when you are pregnant and feeling sick for weeks, or when you have just had a baby.
He sounds like an self absorbed adolescent.

Lweji · 14/07/2014 06:18

He is going to try not to be a dick about it,

He's going to try?
And he will still feel he must have sex?

He's telling you he won't change. Listen to him.
I don't think he actually loves you, or even respects you.
And I'd be surprised if there are no other red flag behaviours.

I know you won't divorce over this at this stage. But be careful, be watchful before you have children.
Are you very young? Or don't you want children?
Why are you having the injection? Have you had it before?

Joysmum · 14/07/2014 06:25

He insists that this is not an orgasm issue it is an emotional closeness issue and that he does not know of anything apart from sex that gives him that feeling.

That's it in a nutshell.

You both need to work out how to feel emotionally close without sex. That's going to take some serious communication but it'll be worth it.

Of course it's your job to make him happy, just like it's his job to make you happy. That's what marriage is. I'm glad you're more enlightend than some of the responses you've been attracting on here.

FunkyBoldRibena · 14/07/2014 06:38

If it's not an orgasm issue, then why sex in the first place? Play monopoly or something whilst holding hands and looking deep into each other's eyes.

If we must go down this research route, ask him what are the top three things that he finds make you emotionally close during sex, apart from orgasm.

FunkyBoldRibena · 14/07/2014 06:39

Bear in mind that it is him withdrawing from you for not having sex in the first place.

LineRunner · 14/07/2014 07:05

He must have felt emotionally attracted and close to you when you first met, before your relationship became sexual.

WildBillfemale · 14/07/2014 07:14

Why not just use condoms for a week?

Lweji · 14/07/2014 07:16

Of course it's your job to make him happy, just like it's his job to make you happy.

And what does that mean in practical terms?
That the OP should negate her feelings to have sex to keep him happy? And be unhappy in the process?

Lweji · 14/07/2014 07:16

Why not just use condoms for a week?

Because condoms are not 100% safe.

WildBillfemale · 14/07/2014 07:28

1) Sex ideas that dont involve PIV or oral

OP in answer to the above, sorry if it's comes across as crude;

anal sex
soapy tit sex
frotting
ice cubes
fleshlight
sensual massage

and oral.....but as you don't like that so it's a no no and your H will never get to enjoy that pleasure.

Noontimr · 14/07/2014 07:28

NC for this. Try being HIV +,not being able to have spontaneous, unprotected sex with the man you love, him being hesitant about oral sex,, accepting that "other" types of sex is your future. But doing that because you love each other. Not for a week, or a month but forever. Without being a sulky arsed twat about it. Tell him to grow up.

WildBillfemale · 14/07/2014 07:30

My son was unhappy tonight as I sent him to bed during the footie as he was so exhausted. He sulked for an hour

It was the WORLD CUP!!! I'm not surprised he's sulking.......

Hissy · 14/07/2014 07:32

He has serious issues. He's blaming you for his happiness or the lack of it.

He needs therapy or something.
NOT couples counselling as I worry about his turning on you, and am concerned about the power balance in this relationship.

You absolutely need NOT to have kids with him until he's fixed himself.