We are having a sex problem

[ChickDaney]

Some info: my H and I have been together for 5 years married for 2.5 no children yet

We have not had sex since last Monday so 6 days. We can't have PIV sex at the moment because i'm late for my depo injection (you have to get it every 12 weeks and I couldn't get an appointment until tomorrow which will be 13) and you cant have sex (protected or not) after that time because they won't give it to you if there's even a 1% chance of pregnancy. Trust me I've been there.

so - no sex until after the injection. DH has been moody and not really talking to me pretty much all of the day due to me not wanting to have the "other kinds" of sex last night. TBF I was pretty shirty after the second no and told him to basically get off and stop groping me.

I had finally had enough of the atmosphere and we've had a massive row. He says that he feels like I don't want him. He understands we can't have PIV sex but thinks we should still be able to do "other stuff". My response is I don't like oral and never have (receiving or giving) and if he wants to masturbate go ahead i'm fine and would rather wait. Obviously i'm paraphrasing I'm pretty sure I said "For fucks sake go and have a fucking wank" at least once.

If you have got this far - the result of the row was this - I will research sex that doesn't involve PIV to see if there is anything I would like to try and he will try not to make me feel like shit when I dont want to have sex. So PLEASE help by

1. Sex ideas that dont involve PIV or oral
2. Ideas about how can he not create an atmosphere if he is feeling like I don't want him (Kisses, hugs and telling him don't count)

Upup read the OP, she doesn't like giving or receiving oral. Ffs.

One "no"is plenty, he is being a twat.

My exH was like this (hence the "ex")

6 days?! Dear God.

What's he going to be like if you ever have kids and are not able to have sex possibly for months or years?
A kind loving partner just says "Oh well, love you," and goes off to sleep (or has a wank). He is an asshole.

And that's your role in life is it? Keeping this man happy?... hmm

Isn't it? If my job as his wife isn't to make him happy whats the point in being married to me? If he was making me unhappy by doing (or not doing) something shouldn't he change? Who is responsible if he feels unloved/undesired?

Does he put as much effort into keeping you happy as you do into keeping him happy?

Oh dear, no it isnt your job, he doesnt employ you to keep him happy!! I think you both need to grow up.

Of course it's not a wife's 'job' to make a husband happy! A marriage is a partnership of equals, not one person making demands and the other scurrying to please. He is making you unhappy by pressurising you for sex.... He is choosing to be unreasonable about it and make you feel guilty and miserable. The only person responsible for his happiness here is himself.

MooncupGoddess - I don't know the answer to that. I'm happy apart from this argument but I don't know if that's due to his effort or not tbh. It's a bit hard to tell this is pretty much our only argument and either way at this point one of us is unhappy.

He's unhappy because he doesn't feel desired or i'm unhappy because he's sulking. My natural response as someone who loves him is to make him happy. HOWEVER I just can't do something sexual that I don't want to because that would be wrong, so he's unhappy.

Is there a middle ground here?

Lucysaur - slightly off topic, but just to point out that for several years it's been advised in national guidelines (from the Faculty of Sexual and Reproductive Healthcare) that the Depo Provera injection can be given up to two weeks "late" (ie. 14 weeks after the last injection) without the need for additional contraceptive precautions. Is it a GP surgery you usually go to for repeat injections, or a family planning clinic?

( BTW, not saying that makes it OK that your husband is behaving like this....)

Consensual sex is a middle ground. Sex where one party is being guilt-tripped, coerced or pressurised against their better judgement is non-consensual. If you start down that slippery slope just to keep him happy, you'd be a fool

If he was making me unhappy by doing (or not doing) something ...

What, like putting pressure on you to have sex you don't want (or not assaulting you) ?

So what's he going to be like when you've just squeezed a baby out of your fanjo and can't bear the thought of sex for several weeks? And then are so sleep deprived from constantly feeding and seeing to a newborn baby that you haven't got the energy for a few weeks more?

Seriously. You are going to hurt down there. The mere thought of someone trying to have sex with you is going to result in murder. Even if you have a cesarean your stomach muscles are going to need about six weeks to heal and sex is absolutely out of the question. He is just going to have to bloody well get used to his knob not being a priority in this relationship anymore.

"this is pretty much our only argument"

Really? You've never disagreed on anything in five years? Or is the reality more that - because you think it's your job to make him happy - you always go along with whatever he says? Think carefully....

Touching someone until they explode with pleasure is pretty damn fine sex, especially if it's mutual, either concurrent or consecutive.

Oops, that went a bit wrong at the end. You get the gist.

up your post actually made me go

Op ffs you saying.... there's no reason I can't (give him a hand job) except that I don't want to.....don't you think that's the best reason in the world not to?

Yes, there is a middle ground: it involves him realising that it is incredibly childish and selfish to sulk because he 'doesn't feel desired' after six days without sex.

This level of selfishness and self-absorption is very unattractive... setting aside the (very valid) children question, what if you ever had a work crisis, bereavement, illness or mental health issue that meant you didn't feel like sex for a few weeks? It doesn't sound like he'd be supportive at all.

The middle ground is that he accepts that you don't want to perform any particular sex act in good grace, gives you a loving hug and kiss, then takes himself off for that wank. You should be an equal partner in this relationship, not his concubine.

Does he actually want sex to become a joyless chore for you? Um, can't he come up with some ideas? If he's so keen on having sex, how about him seducing you? And that doesn't mean he keeps attempting to have sex with you while you refuse. It means him perhaps saying what he would like you both to do together, that does not include the things you both know you can't do at the moment, and you both seeing if you then get turned on? And if not, no hard feelings.

God, it's impossible to write this without sounding like Finbarr Saunders but you get the idea.

Ourvye - The middle ground is that he accepts that you don't want to perform any particular sex act in good grace, gives you a loving hug and kiss, then takes himself off for that wank. You should be an equal partner in this relationship, not his concubine.
^^ THIS! That's what I said, the problem is his response is that that doesn't help him with how he feels - he feels like I don't fancy him when this happens so he would still be unhappy/creating an atmosphere.

Joan - problem is he has come up with the "other stuff" suggestions and I've said "I don't really fancy that" and suddenly i'm the bad guy. him unhappy again.

OP you have no control over other peoples happiness (or lack of).

Be nice, be reasonable, be honest and true to yourself, other people are responsible for their feelings.

It cannot be your job to make him happy. You could be giving him blow jobs all day and he could be unhappy that you eg forgot to buy milk.

Making sacrifices with your body for his pleasure is a very bad dynamic to have in any relationship because it filters into and taints the whole relationship. Honesty and acceptance are much better and build a stronger relationship.

He needs to accept it when you don't want sex (you don't ever need an excuse or reason btw) otherwise you have a future of letting him do sex to you while you lie there with dead eyes, hoping he'll be quick and pretending to enjoy it so as not to upset him or damage his ego.

It's a shit way to live. I used to let my exH do sex to me because I didn't want him to sulk all day or be grumpy with the DC. I really regret it now and I hated and resented him for it eventually.

He had no right to sulk in the first place!

My son was unhappy tonight as I sent him to bed during the footie as he was so exhausted. He sulked for an hour.

Your dh is not unhappy. He is sulking. Ignore it.