We are having a sex problem

[ChickDaney]

Some info: my H and I have been together for 5 years married for 2.5 no children yet

We have not had sex since last Monday so 6 days. We can't have PIV sex at the moment because i'm late for my depo injection (you have to get it every 12 weeks and I couldn't get an appointment until tomorrow which will be 13) and you cant have sex (protected or not) after that time because they won't give it to you if there's even a 1% chance of pregnancy. Trust me I've been there.

so - no sex until after the injection. DH has been moody and not really talking to me pretty much all of the day due to me not wanting to have the "other kinds" of sex last night. TBF I was pretty shirty after the second no and told him to basically get off and stop groping me.

I had finally had enough of the atmosphere and we've had a massive row. He says that he feels like I don't want him. He understands we can't have PIV sex but thinks we should still be able to do "other stuff". My response is I don't like oral and never have (receiving or giving) and if he wants to masturbate go ahead i'm fine and would rather wait. Obviously i'm paraphrasing I'm pretty sure I said "For fucks sake go and have a fucking wank" at least once.

If you have got this far - the result of the row was this - I will research sex that doesn't involve PIV to see if there is anything I would like to try and he will try not to make me feel like shit when I dont want to have sex. So PLEASE help by

1. Sex ideas that dont involve PIV or oral
2. Ideas about how can he not create an atmosphere if he is feeling like I don't want him (Kisses, hugs and telling him don't count)

Every time I read posts like this I fear my daughter might end up with a total twunt like this and not have the children she might want due to his dick.

ouryve, yeah I know, bloody boring. I really don't have a personal opinion about what OP should do. I'm just pointing out that this 6 day stand off is the tip of the ice berg.

How old is this idiot? He feels unwanted after 6 days?!
Someone tell him that any sort of emotionally stable adult would know that this is not an indication of her not wanting him, but that SHE CANNOT HAVE SEX UNTIL TOMORROW, and she doesn't fancy "other" types in the meantime.
He needs to get over it. And grow the fuck up while he's at it.

Evening all I am feeling the need for more background info. Apologies about typos I'm on my phone. No other red flag behaviour he doesn't speak to me like a lower life form, monitor my activity, care how I dress etc. Gets on with my family as well as I do and is genuinely my best friend.

Other background he has been working away a lot recently and won't be home again now until Saturday so extending the whole 6 days thing to a couple of weeks if that makes a difference.

Also while we were talking / arguing he seemed to genuinely not understand that I can genuinely not feel horny on the Saturday when he's home but that I can when he isn't home and then not be able to "save it" until I next see him. Is this a man thing?

he really isn't the devil were just having this one problem so i thought id ask here for advice first as you people are (usually) normal and rational and i needed an outside perspective.

I know you don't want to hear it, this may be the only red flag in your relationship but please trust those of us who have experienced this, sex-sulking pervades and erodes relationships. It took me fifteen yrs to see the light. We are trying to save you wasted years (pointless though it is until you are ready).

Obviously you are confident in your relationship and you know it much better than us on here. I just hope that this thread might help by being a nagging voice in your head in the future, should you need it)

If I had a bloke like this, him turning up expecting a shag and getting shitty when he couldn't have his needs met (at my expense) would be the the end of our sex life.

For good.

Btw my exH didn't do any of those other things on your list either. He was much more subtle, which was harder to spot.

I could write a list of what he did do but it's all on here anyway (thread called "right listen up share your red flags for women kind" or something)

If you are fully confident in your DH being lovely in every other way, then you have nothing to lose by reading "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. It will (hopefully) confirm that you are correct and there are no issues at all. See it as a challenge

Also look at how you are defending him now.

And, no, it's not "a man thing" it's a "selfish twat sex-sulker" thing

A couple of weeks is still a survivable drought, and one that he will encounter again in his life. If he wants to be in a long term relationship he needs to be able to cope with this sort of thing, end of story, because it happens. If he views sex as the only way he can feel loved and close to his partner, then he needs to work on sorting his head out, because sex is never guaranteed.

Fwiw older (and wiser) women tried to warn me about some of exH's behaviour when I was only a few yrs married to him. At the time I wasn't ready to hear it, we were married, I was committed, I had invested five yrs in the relationship, it felt like too much to throw away!

His positives seemed to far outweigh the couple of negatives. I defended him. "But he ....." Etc

I ended up wasting 15yrs instead of 5.

I'm really sorry if you don't want to hear this and I don't mean to patronise you at all because I fully understand your situation. I suppose really I am trying to shake some sense into my younger self and your posts sound very familiar.

It's not about 6 days, it's about OPs attitude to sex.

H will be seeking intimacy elsewhere if this carries on.

It's very natural, normal and healthy for a man to want to be intimate with his wife. It's very natural, normal and healthy for a woman to want to be intimate with her Husband. OP is chucking all kinds of barriers in the way.

He's not a sex crazed abuser, just an incredibly frustrated (not sexually) man who has a wife who has issues.

Where to start?

I think you have issues, wild.

The op has a perfectly healthy attitude in that she won't do anything she doesn't want to.

Don't even try, Lweji.

Think it depends how you look at it.
The OP may have issues, or her DH may spend his time acting like a petulant teenager when it comes to knob and he may have Stone Age views that his wife is his 'whore' and there to service him as needed. Therefore by refusing she is selfish and uncaring.
I have known men like that in my past, and I know of friends and family who themselves/their partners think this way. My sis for example lives with a guy who strops if he doesn't get sex, expects it as 'gratitude' for anything he does and expects blow jobs as and when he wishes. He's a dick in many more ways aswell though so it's unsurprising.
We'll never know entirely unless both of them come on here.
But from the sound of the OP's post she made him out to be the latter - sex obsessed selfish man child.

Her further post that states that while she can get the injection tomorrow (today now?) also states that her DH will be away and will have to wait 2 weeks or longer. While I still think this does not give him the right to demand ANYTHING sexual at all and sulking at refusal is pathetic. I can now understand it slightly better. Still wrong but now there is more info. Now he feels that they haven't done it for a week, won't be able to do it for a further week and she still isn't interested in him. (Not my personal view, am speculating for the DH). The physical stuff aside there is an emotional rejection there considering he holds sex and love together.
He needs help to work through his emotions and grow up.

Even if the OH thought the OP had issues, and she recognised that she had, sulking is hardly helpful.
A good partner would be sympathetic and work with the OP to overcome those issues, if she wanted to, not sulk and act entitled.

Ultimately, he may decide that they are incompatible, but I suspect it would be a blessing for the OP.

Try it this way,

''Please help me Mumsnetters, I have to work away all week and when I get home for the weekend I'm so happy to be back with my DH and I want us to be together in every way, but it wasn't right for him this weekend and I was really disappointed, now I'm away all next week too, so it'll be two weeks since we've had proper intimacy and I really miss it - my DH really is being an obnoxious twunt isn't he, denying me the affection I so crave like this?''

Cue the MN massive crying out in one cohesive voice - LTSelfishB, how dare he act like this!

Two sides to every coin and all that.

Just because you write it, it doesn't make it true.
And it's not in my experience.

Women here complain about lack of sex after years.

Some men think it's ok to sulk after 6 days, and because the woman is getting her body subjected to hormonal treatment so that they can have sex with her and no consequences.

Go ahead, post the reverse thread and prove yourself right instead of making up what MNetters would do.
I've been here a while and I can't easily predict how a thread will develop.

Yes Lweji but your reply is the same for each and every problem and you are far too invested on this board - look at the number of times you post on any single thread - maybe a break from mn would do you good - give you some perspective on the real world and how healthy relationships are give and take, not 100% about the woman all the time..........

OP take advice on relationships from happily married people.........

I think most happily married people would confirm that their happy marriage can withstand a few days without sex and is not based on either party trying to coerce the other into sex against their will..

I can confirm happily married status. My advice is given on that basis.

Oh, wild, I have enough experience of giving and taking, and only giving too, sadly.

My replies are indeed the same in that any person (!) has the right to say no when they don't have sex. Whether they are men or women. I think you will notice that if you check threads posted by women about lack of sex.
I think it is consistency that it's desirable isn't it Wild/Eekaman? What you are accusing us is of double standards.

And when people keep saying that the OP has issues or should have bend over backwards to satisfy her OH sexually, there is only one possible reply to that.

Some of us are happily married. Others haven't been, but have had experience of the damage those little sulks have done to their marriage. Or the type of person sulks because of a little lack of sex. Like I mentioned earlier, it ruins the affection we feel for our partner.

In this case I am happily divorced from a sex sulker. :)

Happily divorced from a sex sulker too.

And happily cohabiting with current partner (who is not a sex sulker)

Is 2 weeks without sex really a big deal in a longbterm couple?