DH and porn

[anoldchestnut]

I know this has been talked about lots before, and I always had the attitude of oh well men like porn - big deal.

But now of course it's MY dh and I'm feeling a little different.....

Basically I saw some photoes printed from various websites last week hidden in our bin (at least they were in the recycling bin ). I really had no idea that dh liked this stuff, and why on earth did he have to print them off? What is worrying me though, apart from generally feeling uncomfortable with the idea of dh 'sorting himself out' (as opposed to me sorting him out) is that some of the photoes were of men doing it with other men, one or two were of transexuals i.e. men with boobs that looked liked women but had penises. In the last few months he seems to have had a preference for 'bottom' action with me (I have no desperate objection to this, and put it down to a dislike of condoms - and ironically I going to GP tomorrow to go back on pill). He has also started immacing his 'undercarriage' - OK so have I, but I'm really wondering what on earth is going on here. He's 41 - is he questionning his sexuality? Does he not find me attractive anymore (despite having lost 1.5 stone and now being a size 6 to 8)?

I realise this sounds a bit troll-like, but honestly I'm not. I've been posting for years, although infrequesntly, but I remember the brain/brian thing, cod and custy are my fave posters, and misdee and sparkly are sisters if that helps prove I'm a regular poster.

TIA

Oh, and I checked our pc - it doesn't save history anyway, but when you type a website into the top line even typing part of it it brings up a choice of sites visited. The ones on the photoes were not listed on this list, so presumably he has done it from his work computer, or from a link from another site. Of course now I have looked at one of these websites and typing in part of it brings it up on the list - so anyone techie how to I get rid of it?????

Porn gives people a 'safe' outlet in which to experiment with fantasies. Just because a person looks at gay porn or transsexual porn, threesomes or indeed anything outside of their normal RL sex life does not necessarily mean they would want to try it in RL.

I suspect he printed the pics off so that he could masturbate somewhere other than in front of the pc.

I have no idea what the sudden hair removal is about, apart from maybe he saw it on one of his photos and thought it looked good/better (it supposedly makes the genitals look bigger if they are shaved), so gave it a try ?

I'd be very surprised if he was accessing this stuff from work, mainly because most workplaces have a main server that blocks access to porn sites and any other sites that may take up too much work time (DH's work also block Amazon and Ebay for example).

He is prob accessing it from home and deleting all the temporary internet files and any cookied from the pc after each session.

cookies

Do you not feel you can discuss any of this with him - tbh, if my DP started hair removal round his crown jewels, I'm not sure I could ignore it....

To delete the temp internet files on Windows you need to....

Go to Start menu
Click 'settings'
Click 'control panel'
Click 'Internet Options' icon
Under the 'general' tab you will find a section called 'Temporary Internet Files'
Click 'Delete Cookies' and 'Delete Files'
Also click 'clear history' for good measure.

Done

Cheers ndp - that's worked! I think he probably has been accessing it at home actually, I don't think he'd risk work finding out.

Maybe it is fantasy, but it's just such a shock to find he does it at all, let alone images of gay men.

And no, tbh I find this quite difficult to talk to him about (quite inibited I suppose!). The hair removal thing was a few months ago, and he just said that it felt better when I'd done it so he thought he'd give it a go as well and quite liked it.

If it stays as fantasy then I suppose I'll have to get used to it, but along with him wanting anal sex with me after years of not doign it that way just makes me think there's more to this.

hi been there with my exh turned out he was a trasnvestite but hey sounds like you have nothing to worry about as he wants anal with you and not all the attention focussed on him. the right thing to do would be to talk to him and see what he says .
good luck and my thoughts are with you chin up girl!!!!

Maybe he's bi-curious.

Oh thanks expat and babyw - do you really think that's possible? How did you find out?

How on earth do I find out? I really don't want to talk to him about this - if it is just fantasy I don't want to embarass him, and if he is questioning himself I don't want to force him to a decision until he's ready to make one.

IMHO - ths does sound quite exciting for the both of you! Imagine the opposite where he isn't interested in ANY sex!!

He may be bi-curious, and demonstrating an active imagination. It is quite common for men, of any age to have thoughts of steamy male-only sex....as for 'sorting himself out'..is this something you do from time to time?

Delicately find a way to weave it all into your shared sex life. This does sound like a potential win-win development.

Can't advise on the using porn issues very much but would only say accessing porn from a work computer is very risky indeed. My xp used to take care of web servers as part of his work, and this sort of thing has put a lot of people out of a job. If you do have 'the talk' make sure you make him promise on his life that he won't access porn at work, ever.

I found some dodgy stuff (ie not just big boobs but not going into detail) on our computer last year and while I found it REALLY uncomfortable to bring it up I had to eventually. We were having 'issues' at the time to do with sex but what bothered me most was the obvious deceit from DH (and he's no good at lying or covering tracks). Talking to him reassured me that he was just being a bloke and wasn't about to run off and did find me sexy still and all those things I needed confirmation of. However - I really wasn't happy with some of the stuff I'd found and we did have a few arguments over it but in the end it was all sorted. I think if I'd have left it it would have eaten away at me though and I honestly can't say I'm sure I'd be with him if he'd carried on looking at some of the stuff. But then I'm one of those people who thinks of sex as a 'joint' thing not and individual one IYSWIM, I know loads of couples are happy with each other 'entertaining' themselves but I can't deal with that personally.

It's up to you what you do in the end but if you choose not to talk to him just be aware it's probably going to be just as hardas talking to him. Also I'd keep the stuff you've found for now in case you change your mind over the next few weeks and need a bit of evidence.

Oh and def agree with Laisezfair - I've always been pretty open about sex etc but DH was the uptight one - all the stuff we talked about actually helped us improve our sex life loads coz I MADE him talk to me about what he wanted

Yes, think Laisezfair has hit it. but.."this could go either way......." (steal from another thread)

From what you say, there is no need for a 'talk' - facilitate the intro. of new ideas implicitly...he will be more turned on and you may surprise yourself as well!....

Hmmm possible to make our life more exciting I supposed.....

Except that I'm the one that wants 'it' more than he does, so him accessing it from other avenues makes me feel unattractive to say the least, at least to him - I can still turn the odd head or too!

An this 'obsession' with anal is not something I'm particularly keen on. I'll do it if he wants me to, but it's not something I want to become a reuglar feature IYKWIM.

And if he is bi-curious, I really don;t think I could handle it. It would be the end of our marriage, although I'm sure we'd remain friends.

anoldchesnut - same sitution with me and DH really, infuriates me that I have 'unfulfilled needs' then find he's been doing it on his own. I think what you've said you found would be too much to deal with personally, final straw as it were, but that's up to you - hope you can figure it out.

It's not the porn per se that I mind. I'd be quite happy to use in in the bedroom department as it were (and have one one or two very rare occasions ) - it's the fact that there is a lot of anal stuff going on, and the fact that there's men doing it. Really that does nothing for me at all and dont think he'd be into the sort of stuff that does do it for me, and I'm worried about what is says about his sexuality.

Also is it possible he might take it to the next stage, i.e. with someone?

I don't know your DH so it's really difficult to say but it's not something I've ever worried about with my DH. I think there's a huge difference between fantasy and reality. But then I do think thats one of the issues we talked about when we had our problems and I just felt instinctively that he wouldn't do that to me. However I think there's a point at which it crosses over from just being about sex and fantasies to an issue of trust - that's partly why I had to address it with DH because he was hiding stuff from me. I would think that maybe the fact that your DH is doing this secretly has probably triggered an element of distrust in you, rather than a real possibility of him cheating on you.

So I accept it? And assume it's just fantasy and won't trip over into reality, but keep watching for any signs it might do I guess...

And yes part of it is trust, but the main thing for me I think is the content.

It's up to you whether you accept it or not. I decided I couldn't and told DH in no uncertain terms that if his little fantasies (which I found a bit disturbing) were more important than our relationship then the relationship couldn't mean that much to him - ie, choose which he wanted more because he couldn't have both. But again, that's us, not everyone's relationship works like that. I likened it to marshmallows - I love them, they're pretty harmless but if I ate too many of them and wasn't eating my dinner they'd become harmful - porn's the same and at the time I felt DH was getting obsessed with it and it was ruining our marriage. He also claimed it wasn't important so again with the marshmallow analogy, yes they're nice, but if DH asked me to choose between him and them they'd have to go! I know it's a bit silly but it worked

Hmm, in your position, I would try to talk to my DH. If it was just "regular" porn, then that's one thing, but with the possibility he might be bi, or bi-curious, I'd be a bit too concerned.

I'd sit him down, somewhere away from kids and out of bed, and just say what you found, and see what he says.

I'm twitchy about this whole issue, partly because you are having unprotected anal intercourse with him (which is the easiest way for straight girls to get HIV), and because if he is likely to experiment with men, it's entirely possible he'll do it while drunk, or impulsively, and hence not be careful about things. Yes, it's probably pretty unlikely. It probably was just a curiousity (unless you fear otherwise?), but still ... better to be up front, I think ...

Love the anaolgy liquid...may I use that elsewhere without paying you copyright??!!

It is sooo difficult not knowing more, but, hey.

ONe thing about porn is that it can become highly addictive to some men. This is to the point where it is no longer a sexual turn on, but a need to seek out more and more compromising images.

I balk more at you picking up the issue of 'trust', a bedrock to any successful relationship. Spicing up a sex life with such things is one thing - being worried about trust is a different game.
May I ask. How does dh react across the board when enquired into. Is he ordinarily defensive or open to criticism. I mean, is he otherwise 'honest' and says what he feels?

Love the anaolgy liquid...may I use that elsewhere without paying you copyright??!!

It is sooo difficult not knowing more, but, hey.

ONe thing about porn is that it can become highly addictive to some men. This is to the point where it is no longer a sexual turn on, but a need to seek out more and more compromising images.

I balk more at you picking up the issue of 'trust', a bedrock to any successful relationship. Spicing up a sex life with such things is one thing - being worried about trust is a different game.
May I ask. How does dh react across the board when enquired into. Is he ordinarily defensive or open to criticism. I mean, is he otherwise 'honest' and says what he feels?