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Original poster

DH and porn

129 replies

anoldchestnut · 11/09/2006 16:08

I know this has been talked about lots before, and I always had the attitude of oh well men like porn - big deal.

But now of course it's MY dh and I'm feeling a little different.....

Basically I saw some photoes printed from various websites last week hidden in our bin (at least they were in the recycling bin ). I really had no idea that dh liked this stuff, and why on earth did he have to print them off? What is worrying me though, apart from generally feeling uncomfortable with the idea of dh 'sorting himself out' (as opposed to me sorting him out) is that some of the photoes were of men doing it with other men, one or two were of transexuals i.e. men with boobs that looked liked women but had penises. In the last few months he seems to have had a preference for 'bottom' action with me (I have no desperate objection to this, and put it down to a dislike of condoms - and ironically I going to GP tomorrow to go back on pill). He has also started immacing his 'undercarriage' - OK so have I, but I'm really wondering what on earth is going on here. He's 41 - is he questionning his sexuality? Does he not find me attractive anymore (despite having lost 1.5 stone and now being a size 6 to 8)?

I realise this sounds a bit troll-like, but honestly I'm not. I've been posting for years, although infrequesntly, but I remember the brain/brian thing, cod and custy are my fave posters, and misdee and sparkly are sisters if that helps prove I'm a regular poster.

TIA

OP posts:
cantstopmyseld · 12/09/2006 14:33

its funny really, i came on here about to start my own thread and this one was first on the list. looked on dh mobile at the weekend for a funny picture, go about 8 short movies of all sorts of hard core.

deleted them ofcourse and he will never question it. looked through his drawer yesterday and found loads of mags and a dvd. played dvd and its all women with strap ons (hate talking like this) doing it to mens bottoms!!!!

does this mean he likes this idea and does it mean hed like it with men!!!!

there is nothing i wont try so why does he need all this stuff.

told him what was wrong last night and he just said its a bloke thing.....crap.

so angry, said i had low enough self esteme as it was without this.

Iklboo · 12/09/2006 14:36

cantstop...some men like the idea of a woman doing that (think Frank gallagher in Shameless). It's not always that they have gay fantasies (otherwise they might watch gay porn), sometimes it's more of a "being dominated", s&m kind of thing

cantstopmyseld · 12/09/2006 14:37

oh great, cant see me trying that one. anyway not speaking to him right now.

Iklboo · 12/09/2006 14:46

Sorry - read on another thread that you don't mind (ahem) bum love. He might be wondering how it feels from your point of view (pardon the pun)

cantstopmyseld · 12/09/2006 15:04

thats me, but it feels strange him wanting that sort of thing. but really its the whole porn thing......will never understand why he needs it. i dont

Original poster
anoldchestnut · 12/09/2006 15:39

I don't think this is too much to worry about tbh. Its' women he's looking at, and it just seems to me that it's a fantasy surrounding being totally submissive to a woman. More worrying if he was looking at gay porn like my dh

OP posts:
DashingRedhead · 12/09/2006 16:10

Chestnut, there is one possibility that hasn't been raised yet I think: that you might ask him and he may simply not know the answer. He sounds a bit confused to me - could he be trying to spice up your sex life/his sex drive but a bit too embarrassed to actually initiate a discussion. Is he coming onto you less? Certainly leaving porn images in the household recycling would argue a huge amount of confusion.

QueenEagle · 12/09/2006 20:34

I find it quite depressing reading that some women feel so threatened by their dh's accessing porn. imo it says far more about their lack of self esteem than their dh's tastes. I really wish I could give those of you who feel like this an injection of confidence in yourselves.

Maybe I am one of the lucky few. Until I met dh I would never have breathed a word to anyone about my (bi) sexuality. Nor would he have revealed his. It's a measure of the confidence and trust we have in each other that we are both, at last, in a relationship which makes us both happy and fulfilled.

cantstopmyseld · 12/09/2006 21:00

you are quite right of course. i hate everything about me so i am naturally threatened. most women would probably feel this way if dh was looking at pics of other people rather than them. as i said we have a brill sex life, infact its usually him who cant keep up with me and i am confident with him but..............i dont know, think im waffling

Ulysees · 12/09/2006 21:09

QE, just curious as to how you both met? I think your relationship sounds very healthy and am pleased for you both. To repress sexual leanings can cause allsorts of problems IMO. I'm totally straight but am quite envious of bi/gay women as I prefer women's company tbh. Just a shame I don't want to shag em

cantstopmyseld · 12/09/2006 21:13

never wanted to shag any i met or know, but fancy the idea of it. but not with dh watching

lovesex · 12/09/2006 21:26

i would love to fulfill that fantasy. def not gay but get very turned on thinking about it. one day maybe.

NotQuiteCockney · 12/09/2006 21:33

I don't think men liking porn about women using strap-ons on men means they're gay - it probably just means they're curious about doing that. I think it can be a domination thing, but I suspect it's often just about prostate stimulation ...

Porn is tricky, didn't we have the whole argument last week, though?

QueenEagle · 12/09/2006 21:35

cantstopmyseld - low self esteem is usually a result of being with someone who makes you feel that way when you are feeling low. I was married before to a man who slowly but surely eroded my self confidence and esteem over an 8 year period. I was a) young and b) vulnerable. He made me feel crap about my body, constantly belittled me and was open about preferring to wank alone than have any kind of sexual contact with me. On top of that he had affairs when I was pregnant, with his work colleagues.

Fast forward to the present and I have 2 more babies so have more reason to worry about my jelly belly, I am 10 years older, so have more reason to worry about the onset of wrinkles - yet I am happy about my body, happy about my sexuality and totally comfortable that I am desired and lusted after. Why? Because dh makes me feel that way. He loves my body including the stretchmarks on my belly and slightly saggy boobs but thinks I am sexy and horny. This is by far the best sexual relationship (some areas of it could be better; it is far from perfect) I have ever been in. But we do have total trust.

We met btw through mutual friends, totally by chance. We hit it off straight away and I knew within 2 weeks that I would marry him. Strangely, it wasn't until after our wedding that we began to discover that there was much more than meets the eye with both of us! Fortunately, it has only enhanced our relationship in that sense.

Ulysees · 12/09/2006 21:38

Does anyone else worry about who reads this stuff? Or is that just stuffy old me

QE, what a good job you both met

QueenEagle · 12/09/2006 21:45

Stuff on here, you mean? No I don't but then no-one in RL life knows me on here.

Yes, it is a good job - can you imagine the trips down memory lane we're going to have when we are in our 80's??!!!!! It'll be such a scream.

lovesex · 12/09/2006 21:45

before dh i was in a relationship like the one you describe. no matter how much my dh says he loves me, my body and everyghing else i cant beleive him.

cantstopmyseld · 12/09/2006 21:49

but dh isnt the bad one here. we have a great relationship though the porn thing has really annoyed me and at the mo we not speaking coz he is a perv, my thoughts only at the mo, i will calm down. its me, i have always not liked my body. although thinking about it, school didnt help me much

QueenEagle · 12/09/2006 21:50

It did help that I was on my own for 5 years between dh's. I guess I learned to like myself during that time. imo that is a key ingredient to accepting and believing your dh when he says how much he loves you and fancies you.

cantstopmyseld · 12/09/2006 21:52

wouldnt be so bad if porn stars were fat like me

QueenEagle · 12/09/2006 21:53

When I was a child/teenager my stepmother constantly belittled me and put me down and none of my thoughts and opinions were welcome or valid in her opinion. Now I guess she would be guilty of emotional abuse.

That did so much to destroy faith in myself and then dh1 came along and stripped away the rest of my already battered confidence. It takes a long time to build that back up again.

QueenEagle · 12/09/2006 21:54

Ah but some are!!!

cantstopmyseld · 12/09/2006 21:56

dont think he watches them

QueenEagle · 12/09/2006 21:59

Come on, stop putting yourself down - think positive!

If you had a choice I bet you'd watch some tanned, muscled Adonis giving it some, wouldn't you? You know - totally unrealistic and improbable.

cantstopmyseld · 14/09/2006 08:09

ok, after reading all these threads and listening to all your advise i had a long chat with dh. he has promised that in future he will give me the option of watching with him. we had the most amazing sex every which way! and i even shaved it all off. so i am now keeping away from mn incase it gives me anymore ideas. thanks all