Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and porn

129 replies

anoldchestnut · 11/09/2006 16:08

I know this has been talked about lots before, and I always had the attitude of oh well men like porn - big deal.

But now of course it's MY dh and I'm feeling a little different.....

Basically I saw some photoes printed from various websites last week hidden in our bin (at least they were in the recycling bin ). I really had no idea that dh liked this stuff, and why on earth did he have to print them off? What is worrying me though, apart from generally feeling uncomfortable with the idea of dh 'sorting himself out' (as opposed to me sorting him out) is that some of the photoes were of men doing it with other men, one or two were of transexuals i.e. men with boobs that looked liked women but had penises. In the last few months he seems to have had a preference for 'bottom' action with me (I have no desperate objection to this, and put it down to a dislike of condoms - and ironically I going to GP tomorrow to go back on pill). He has also started immacing his 'undercarriage' - OK so have I, but I'm really wondering what on earth is going on here. He's 41 - is he questionning his sexuality? Does he not find me attractive anymore (despite having lost 1.5 stone and now being a size 6 to 8)?

I realise this sounds a bit troll-like, but honestly I'm not. I've been posting for years, although infrequesntly, but I remember the brain/brian thing, cod and custy are my fave posters, and misdee and sparkly are sisters if that helps prove I'm a regular poster.

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
anoldchestnut · 14/09/2006 11:24

Funny I'm coming to terms with my dh's 'preferences' too. Although I'm not totally comfortable with him fantasising about anal with men I'm assuming (and I trust him) it is just fantasy. I've had some pretty wierd fantasies too - none of which I want to do in RL so I'm comfortab;e enough with the knowledge that it is just that.

It's made me view him slightly differently though - in a good way. More as a sexual being with fantasies, needs etc. Sex had become somewhat routine I guess, and I think that just made me think of him as father, husband, worker, not as a rather raunchy lover! So discovering he does like a bit of naughty stuff and sorts himself out with it has made me think of him much more in that way. Which is good. Think with a certain amount of inhibition freeing alcohol to start us off we could get rather dirty together!!!!! (BTW I asked him how a hairless undercarriage mad him feel last night and he said he just preferred it like that, so I probed a bit more and said does it make you feel ruder and he said yes. I told him how the same on me felt and why, so I think we;ve started the process of being a bit more frank with each other which is good)

OP posts:
Pann · 14/09/2006 12:22

chestnut - I have missed something? You raised it with him??

that post just now sounded brill....

Ulysees · 14/09/2006 12:24

great news

Original poster
anoldchestnut · 14/09/2006 13:43

Well didn't raise the 'are you bi then or what?' bit, but just asked what was so good about his shniny (LOL!] new undercarriage and he explained - needed a bit of prompting but was fairly at ease telling me.

TBH if he does have any bi tendences I know he won't try it out for real - he'd never cheat on me, so it will remain strictly contained within his own land of fantasy. I don't know if he'll ever tell me his fantasies, but who knows. If he does I might even tell him mine - that'd shock him .

Think given time we might really open up with each other about what floats our boats!

Wierd isn't it how things can change so quickly. A couple of weeks ago I was wondering whether I was still in love with him, or whether I just loved him as a father and friend. Now I find him quite exiting...and couldnt wait for him to get home from work last night!

OP posts:
Pann · 14/09/2006 15:18

So so so pleased. Yay.

Go on......shock him.....he will love it! Just about guarenteed.

Original poster
anoldchestnut · 18/09/2006 12:15

Update - slow progress I think. managed to 'do it' 4 times last week which is a record for us!!!! One of those times he was quite open about what he wanted which was fantastic - really exiting!!!!! However he had spent the evening getting pi$$ed so any inhibitions he has went straight out the window! The next time he was sober though, and I did what I thought he wanted which seemed to do the job, but afterwards I said you'll have to tell me what you want. He said 'oh so you want to talk about it then?' and I said 'yeah why not - do you', and he said 'no not really'.

so, how do I get him to open up as to what he wants? Surely talking to each other when we're pi$$ed out of our heads isn;t the answer?

OP posts:
Original poster
anoldchestnut · 05/10/2006 11:25

Oh God it gets worse. Not only are there loads more pics printed off (which I don't have too much of a problem with per se) but these are much more graphic and 'specialist'. However the big big problem is that I also found a pack of condoms with one missing. .

Need to confront him I know, but I don't have the strength at the moment - still in shock I guess. Also I need to work out in my own head if I want our marriage to continue. I kind of do, but of course he may not so I need to prepare myself for that.

Am really in shock. If you knew him you'd just never think this was him, it's just so unlike him. He's good, kind, thoughtful, helps round the house, is involved with the kids, everything you could want. Except he has this seperate persona....

I'm sure this post will be a threadkiller, mine usually are LOL, but I can't talk to anyone and putting in writing might help make it more real.

OP posts:
Original poster
anoldchestnut · 05/10/2006 12:36

Told you I was a thread killer! Oh well.....

OP posts:
cowmod · 05/10/2006 12:36

i read it! just coudlnt thignk of anythign to say!

Original poster
anoldchestnut · 05/10/2006 12:45

Me too!

OP posts:
moaningpaper · 05/10/2006 12:50

sympathy anoldchestnut

don't know what to say

moaningpaper · 05/10/2006 12:51

You said you were using condoms until recently (I think that's what you implied) - how do you know that these aren't ones you used yourselves?

and by specialist, do you mean gay?

Original poster
anoldchestnut · 05/10/2006 13:05

No they weren't ours. Ours are bought in packs of 12 and live in his bedside cabinet. The pack I found was a pack of three and was hidden inside an inner pocket on his briefcase, amongst a pile of porn pics. The fact that I have gone on the pill as he/we don't like condoms but he uses them with someone else riles too - although at least he is being safe I s'pose.

Specialist - mixture of gay, trans, men licking each others ar$ses, threesomes, and women with black strap-ons giving it to men up the ar$e.

OP posts:
moaningpaper · 05/10/2006 13:07

anoldchestnut: I am sorry

Original poster
anoldchestnut · 05/10/2006 13:13

Thanks mp. It's funny I'm kinda hoping he is gay cos if he was sleeping with another woman I think that'd make me feel so crap and unattractive. At least if he is doing it with a man I know it's becasue of the way he is and not the way I am...

Can't really believe it, doesn't seem real.

OP posts:
Glassofslime · 05/10/2006 13:33

Sorry to read whats being going on, I know he's not been too forthcoming but it really does sound like you need to talk to him. There could be all sorts of rational explanations - I know my dh gets all sorts of emails for penis extentions & viagra, could it be something like that? If its not then you do need to know because while you're not talking to him you are fearing the worst ie. that he's acting on his fantasies. If he's a lovely man (which it sounds like he is) then he probably hasn't, but you'll never get it out of your head untill you know.

IMO talking is the only solution.

Wisp · 05/10/2006 13:43

Sorry to hear this.
I think that the only was around this problem to is talk to him, tell him what you've found and take it from there.
Tbh he's not really hiding the evidence terribly well from you, which makes me wonder whether he wants you to find it?
I really hope you can sort this out.

Original poster
anoldchestnut · 05/10/2006 14:02

Slime (love the name!) - fantasy is fine. But it;s obviously turned into reality now with the condoms.

Wisp - he's a man! I think that's why stuff hasn't been very well hidden. It's only cos I've been snooping around that I've found what I have. and yes I know we need to talk, but I can't face it at the moment, and this is a conversation I need to have from a position of strength, which means sorting out what I want the outcome to be and being strong enough to make sure that's what happens.

OP posts:
nolastar · 05/10/2006 14:35

I dont know if this will help..but have you read the thread by iamnotamouse..she seems to going through something similar ...

Controlfreak · 05/10/2006 15:06

I think I know how you feel anoldchestnut. Few months ago I caught my husband on a porn website during the day, while I was at home. The biggets problem with me was not the fact he was on the website but that we have an au pair in the house. As he was working mainly from home during those weeks I had a major argument with him and found out that he was doing it even when I was not in, but the aupair was. That freaked me out, although I sort of believed him that he hasn't done anything with her. Howver, I chucked him out, confronted her (poor girl was so upset that I could suggest somemthing like that that she hasn't stopped crying for days). Not being able to see the children for a week really hurt him and he promised he will never do that again. I was on the brink of nervous breakdown.

Do I trust him now? NO NO NO Why am I still with him. Children, money and occasional love (result of 10 years of marriage). However, I think he got the message THERE IS NO NEXT TIME. I feel detached from him and have started building my separate life. If he is there for me in 2 years time - well good - if not there is life out there for me on my own.

Original poster
anoldchestnut · 06/10/2006 09:17

Controlfreak you sound very brave. I'm at the stage where I can't quite see how I can build a life of my own. Although we have some seperate friends everyone we know is a couple, and I like being part of a couple, I don;t want to be on my own for ever, but do I want to be with him? No, not really. I want someone who loves me unconditioanlly, who finds me sexy and attractive, and he obviously doesn't. What galls is that I have tried to 'spice things up' in the bedroom department, tried to get him to open up and tell me what he wants and he doesn't feel able to with me, but does with this other person.

If he is having doubts abuot his sexuality then I have every sympathy with him - it must be very dificult for him. If on the other hand he's having this raunchy sex-life with another woman, the sort of sex-life I'd like with him, then I don't think I can forgive. I mean how can we get some thing like that if he just doesn;'t see me that way?

But then there's the kids to think about (why is it mums always think about the kids - why deosn;t he?). Do I sacrifice the next 40 years of my life with a man who doesn't give me what i want, although is a great dad and a good friend, and never find someone who wants me for who I am?

OP posts:
JennyLee · 06/10/2006 10:02

been reading your thread, I am so sorry. I hope you do ask him about it and he tells the truth. you need the truth. hope you get through this thinking of you and your kids

Original poster
anoldchestnut · 06/10/2006 13:59

Got a friend to take him out for a beer next week and to do some digging. Don't know if he'll confide in friend but we'll see. Haven't told friend whole story, only about him sleeping with someone else, not that the someone else might be a man.

OP posts:
Controlfreak · 06/10/2006 14:12

Look I know it is not easy, but you have to think about yourself first. Ask yourself :"Can I live with the knowledge that he is sleeping with somebody else?" If the answer is yes, tell him you know about the other person but point out that although you are not happy about it you think you can get on with your life together. If you can't cope with him sleeping with somebody else, make it clear that you know about him/her, but it is not acceptable way forward. Whatever you do I don't think you should suffer quietly and allow him to hurt you over and over again. You don't even know whether he is planning a future with this other person. You need to know.

Sorry for being so black and white, but I didn't clarify that that was not the first time I caught my husband on a porn website while I was in the house. I don't have a problem with porn websites, I have a problem when he does it with me around. It means that I am not good enough (despite having sex virtually every day).

Original poster
anoldchestnut · 06/10/2006 14:26

Controlfreak - thanks for replying. Yes I know I do need to know.

But I truly don't know whether I want to stay with him or not. Although our life together is good in a lot of ways which I have already stated and he is very supportive, there is no spark. I don't feel special or attractive to him. I don't want to be with someone like that for the next God knows how many years - I want to feel special to someone. But I also don't want to be on my own. I'm quite happy with my own company but long term I want a partner, but I don't get much chance to meet new people and I'm quite shy unless I've had a few glasses of wine LOL.

So until I've decided what future I want I don't want to confront him. I also want to know that if I decide to try and make things work that he would be prepared to as well - hopefully our friend will get some idea of his commitment or otherwise - maybe he won't I don't know.

I probably should have said that I myself have not been faithful - about a year ago I ended up sleeping with someone else - it just felt so good to feel atractive and sexy to someone again. No excuse I know, but this is obviously my pay-back.

And although I hear what you're saying about putting myself first, I also feel I have to put the dcs first.

OP posts: