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Original poster

DH and porn

129 replies

anoldchestnut · 11/09/2006 16:08

I know this has been talked about lots before, and I always had the attitude of oh well men like porn - big deal.

But now of course it's MY dh and I'm feeling a little different.....

Basically I saw some photoes printed from various websites last week hidden in our bin (at least they were in the recycling bin ). I really had no idea that dh liked this stuff, and why on earth did he have to print them off? What is worrying me though, apart from generally feeling uncomfortable with the idea of dh 'sorting himself out' (as opposed to me sorting him out) is that some of the photoes were of men doing it with other men, one or two were of transexuals i.e. men with boobs that looked liked women but had penises. In the last few months he seems to have had a preference for 'bottom' action with me (I have no desperate objection to this, and put it down to a dislike of condoms - and ironically I going to GP tomorrow to go back on pill). He has also started immacing his 'undercarriage' - OK so have I, but I'm really wondering what on earth is going on here. He's 41 - is he questionning his sexuality? Does he not find me attractive anymore (despite having lost 1.5 stone and now being a size 6 to 8)?

I realise this sounds a bit troll-like, but honestly I'm not. I've been posting for years, although infrequesntly, but I remember the brain/brian thing, cod and custy are my fave posters, and misdee and sparkly are sisters if that helps prove I'm a regular poster.

TIA

OP posts:
liquidclocks · 11/09/2006 20:13

I've probably nicked it from somewhere else Pann so feel free!

QueenEagle · 11/09/2006 20:16

imo you need to examine your own feelings on this; whether you are happy with the type of porn he is looking at or not - not whether it is right or not. Personally, I can accept my dh looking at gay porn. It's no different to watching girl-on-girl action is it? For some reason there is more of a taboo attached to 2 fellas getting it on. Use it to spice things up - watch it with him, tell him you want him to talk about his fantasies during your lovemaking - you never know, it might just add that something to it!

btw my dh shaves his undercarriage - it's very sexy! He likes porn, (so do I) but he still wants me and it most definitely spices things up!

morningpaper · 11/09/2006 20:19

I would talk to him

If he has put it in the RECYCLING bin then he is probably aware (consciously or not) that you are likely to find out

I would just be up front and say "Look, I'm worried that you might be gay/bisexual and I'm worried that you are going to act it out" or whatever

Shaving of the undercarriage is, AFAIK, a very big thing on the gay scene - I just know this from having gay flatmates and having constant arguments about pubes in the shower and this-is-MY-razor type arguments

Original poster
anoldchestnut · 11/09/2006 20:28

QE - I don't have a problem with whether gay porn is 'right' or not. I just have it in my head that it's only right for gay men, not straight, supposedly happily married men. If it was straight porn then fine, and I'd be quite happy to use it in our lovemaking, but most of it was gay porn and it makes me question his sexuality. If most people on here had said hey it's a fantasy, lots of men fantasise about other men and masturbate to it then I'd think OK it's not a big deal then, but although a couple of few have said that quite a few have also said it could be something more.

I think if questionned about it he'd get all defensive and say he printed it off by accidnet (6 pictures?????) and feel very uncomfortable that I'd caught him out and we'd never speak of it again. Although he is honest basically and I'd never think of him as one to stray, although I'd never think of him as one to look at gay porn either.

I've had another look at the dates - on the first day it was about 4 images - 1 'normal', and three anal with woemn. The next day was 6 all gay images. Must have been in touch with his feminine side that day LOL. Just wish he'd been in touch with my feminine side.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 11/09/2006 20:31

I think you are going to have to ask him

I honestly think that if he was ashamed/didn't want you to ask, he would have just got rid of it in a public bin on the way to work - not dumped it in the family recycling box!

Original poster
anoldchestnut · 11/09/2006 20:32

Morning paper - I don't think that fact that it was in the recucling bin was significant - only that he was trying to be green! I think I would have been just as unlikely to find it in there than if it was in the normal bin. It was stuffed inside a free paper which we get but never ever read (except I wanted to check something on this one very rare occasion).

Didn't know that hairless undercarriages were big on the gay scene though I have to admit.

Still can't quite believe it to be honest - doesn't feel like this is him or me.

OP posts:
Original poster
anoldchestnut · 11/09/2006 20:33

So why doesn't he talk to me about it? Why does it have to be me that raises it?

OP posts:
QueenEagle · 11/09/2006 20:35

anoldchestnut - let me tell you a secret - I know my dh has bisexual tendencies. In fact, it's no secret that I have too. Thing is, I know that neither of us are going to run off and have a gay affair any more than a straight one. That's the trust thing we have in each other. We use our tendencies as fantasies and it works for us. We even spot talent for ech ohe when we are out in own.

I don't know whether your dh is going to want to go off and have a gay fling - you need to ask him, frankly. Same with anal sex, some bloke just have a liking for it - doesn't mean he is going to be off having some bum fun elsewhere. Al these fantasies he has are acceptable ones imo. Crunch is whether that's all he wants them to stay as?

QueenEagle · 11/09/2006 20:36

Apologies for bad spelling - keyboard playing up.

Pann · 11/09/2006 20:37

Did you say/imply that you were more 'reserved' in these things? might be quite a barrier for him as he knows/suspects how you may take it.

ON reflection, one of the very last things you will want is a dh wandering round thinking "I love my dw but she doesn't understand me."

and enjoying porn really is a matter of taste, not shame.

morningpaper · 11/09/2006 20:38

QueenEagle is right

There are lots of happily married bisexual people who are totally at one with their sexuality

It doesn't have to be a problem

liquidclocks · 11/09/2006 20:38

I don't think he meant for you to find it chesnut from what you've just said. Funny thing was I felt like it wasn't me and DH either - didn't ever occur to me that I'd have that sort of conversation/issue with anyone, especially not him. Mind you, I had made it clear before we married that porn was not to be part of our relationship at all regardless of type.

Original poster
anoldchestnut · 11/09/2006 20:54

I don't think I am more reserved. As I've said we've watched porn videos before occasionally and both found it fun. But the men on men stuff just makes me think there's something more to it.

Sex isn't somehting we really talk about, although I guess if we've had a few drinks our inhibitions would go and it could be something we talk about - I'd be quite happy to.

I think I just find it very uncomfortable the possibility of him being bi. I've watched the occasional bit of girl on girl stuff and find it a turn on but I KNOW I'm not bi, and in RL have absolutely no desire to be with another woman, and if it's the same for him and this is just a fantasy then I guess I'm OK with it. But I'm questionning whether it is just fantasy as it seems so unlike him.

On the trust issue I do trust him, but obviousoy if he is curious then who knows. As I sadi this seems so far removed from our normal relationship - it just isn't him.

OP posts:
Original poster
anoldchestnut · 12/09/2006 08:58

Shameless bump for the morning crowd

OP posts:
Pantieman · 12/09/2006 09:03

Do Women like watching porn-my husband is trying to get me to watch a DVD with him but for some reason I don feel comfortable with this

Can any one help?

Tyedye · 12/09/2006 09:28

Message withdrawn

WelshBoris · 12/09/2006 09:39

cracking name pantieman

very apt

Pann · 12/09/2006 09:43

mmm...v. troll'ish.

Angsthase · 12/09/2006 10:42

My DH likes porn, although mostly straight (I think), masterbates alot and had some boy on boy action before we got together, but because he's always been really open about it I really don't mind.
I'm much more conservative. I don't get anything out of porn and don't really like anal and it only happens very rarely.

However, the main point here is that he's very open and honest about his sexuality and it never makes me feel less attractive to him.

I think you need to need to get your DH to talk about his sexual fantasies, maybe initially without referring to the stuff you've found and see if he'll spill the beans himself. I think alot of men are curious about arse action - with boys and girls - some experiment when they're young and others are too embarrassed to admit the interest - thus the secretive porn.

I don't know what the case is with your DH, but I think it will continue to worry you until you get a better idea of his motives. And only he can tell you that.

Pantieman · 12/09/2006 10:43

Thanks for the remarks about the name.

The reason for the name is that my other half likes to wear my undies.

Do any other users have experience of this and, if so, should I be worried?

WelshBoris · 12/09/2006 10:46

He likes to wear your underwear?

Do tell

Twinkie1 · 12/09/2006 10:46

I'd speak to him - I mean he must see that you are aware of the anal sex thing and the hairless thing, does he just expect yuo to ignore what is going on???

Not peaking is not having an open and honest relationship and thats what marriage is all about isn't it???

Papillon · 12/09/2006 10:55

Just make sure he washes them after wearing Pantieman

Or if he stretches them buy him some in his size

If you don´t like it then just talk to him about it so he can share his feeling with you.

HappyDaddy · 12/09/2006 10:59

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm amazed that so many posters don't think to speak to their partners about this stuff.

Yes he may get defensive but there are plenty of unpleasant things that couples have to talk about. Surely, once you've had sex and especially children, there's enough intimacy to be able to talk about anything? If you can't talk with your partner, what's the point?

HappyDaddy · 12/09/2006 11:00

Also, SURELY he can't have thought that shaving his bollocks would go unnoticed? Unless you undress and sleep in separate rooms?