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Original poster

He promised he'd change, the baby is now here, but he hasn't. How can I make him understand how I feel?

382 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 09/07/2014 13:24

Me and DH got married just over a year ago and have a 3 month old baby.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy. The housework was typically left to me as apparently he didn't see mess. Admittedly I do like a tidy house and maybe our ideas were different as to what constituted 'messy' so I tended to just get on with things. We had some HUGE arguments about housework and how he'd never do anything unless I nagged him but things never really changed. He'd tell me to stop doing the house work and just relax, but if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.

When I was pregnant I told him that I was absolutely dreading the baby arriving because I couldn't imagine looking after a baby but still being expected to do everything around the house. He promised me that things would be different and he would help out more but nothing has changed.

The house is a tip and he doesn't care. I'm pretty tired most days and when DS is asleep I'm running around tidying up and cleaning. When DH comes home he sits on the sofa, I hand DS over and then I have to start doing more housework. I just don't get a break. I'm sitting on the sofa now looking at the tip that is the living room and thinking about how messy all the other bedrooms are, and the kitchen and the bathrooms etc and I could cry. He would never think to do anything.

I feel used and that I'm just being taken for granted. I feel like screaming at him but it just seems so pointless.

We haven't had sex since the baby was born and I have absolutely no desire to do so. DH has started bringing this issue up and the reality is that I don't want to have sex with him because I feel angry with him. I want to feel like we are a partnership and that the house and the baby is a joint responsibility but I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I'm expected to do everything. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes me feel this way?

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 21/07/2014 20:13

I think the problem is that you don't know how good the guy is around the house until you actually live with each other and come that point it's fair to say you love the person, see a future with them, and it isn't as easy to just walk away and find somewhere else to live because you have different expectations when it comes to housework...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/07/2014 20:23

This is where we came in, love.

Itsfab · 21/07/2014 20:26

It is just as much how a man treats you out of the house. A man who is respectful of women is also a grown up when it comes to household duties.

Lweji · 21/07/2014 20:29

You can tell to some extent.
You can see how much he does for himself at his parents, or on holiday, or when he stays with you.
But most people do live together before marrying and that is the time to ascertain how house useful a partner is.

In any case, it doesn't force you to live with pigs if at any point you think enough is enough.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 21/07/2014 20:38

Op, please don't forget - it's not his attitude to housework, it's his attitude to you.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 21/07/2014 20:47

I don't think hey necessarily come hand in hand - a guy can have one of those qualities but not the other. One of my previous exes was extremely tidy, his house was always spotless when I went round and he never had any problem doing the hoovering or dusting. However, he turned out to be a nasty piece of work and cheated on me twice.

I think DH lulled me into a false sense of security when we started dating as his house was always supper tidy but in hindsight he obviously just cleaned it when he knew I was coming over. It was probably after about 6 months of living with him that I began to realise he wasn't quite as tidy as I'd been led to believe. Admittedly, although I moaned at him about it, I still did the majority of the work because I liked living in a tidy house. Also, up until 18 months ago I only worked 3 days a week over the course of 7 (still full time hours) so it seemed fair in my eyes that seeing as I had 4 days a week off compared to my husband's two days a week then I would do most of the housework seeing as I was at home more (kind of like how SAHP are expected to do the Lion's share in some people's opinions).

I got a new job 18 months ago which meant I was out the house for 4 days between Mon-Fri and it was only because my time seemed more filled up with my job than it had previously been, that I began to think my DH should be doing more to help as our time spent in the house was now almost 50/50.

However, by this point we'd been together for 3 years and were engaged and in a typical routine of me having done most of the housework for the duration of our relationship. I now see it was a bad habit to fall in to but at the time I'd genuinely felt that as I was at home 4 days a week then I'd do most of the cleaning whilst DH was at work.

I'm not making excuses for him, I just think he struggles to go from not really having to worry about household duties to over the last 18 months being expected to do just as much as me. I would have hoped though that in these last 18 months he would have just accepted it and done it!

How could I have just left and walked away from a relationship of 3 years and my fiancée? It's not as easy as that.

We've had many arguments over it, especially in the last 12 months and as angry as I got I never threatened to leave despite me feeling frustrated enough to say it.

Now DS is here it has really opened my eyes as to how much he needs to step up. I don't think he ever thought I would get this angry with him, I don't even think the possibility ever crossed his mind that I would reach the point of not taking it anymore. When I phoned him and told him I was going to my mom's he was horrified and shocked. He knows now, that for me to actually walk out, then he really has pushed me too far.

We spoke about it some more earlier and he has done all his daily jobs - I told him that for the sake of our marriage then he has to stick to this.

OP posts:
GoodtoBetter · 21/07/2014 20:52

I wish you all the best, writer and hope this is a new start for you.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 21/07/2014 21:24

Thank you, I do too. I took this chance of 'openness' to discuss worries I have about money too and we resolved that issue with no problems whatsoever. My problem is that I let things build up and build up until I'm at breaking point rather than discuss them at early opportunities.

I think what put the 'fear' into me was when I was talking to my sister a few days ago, who left her EA and FA partner a year ago. They had been together for 10 years and have two children together. He turned out to be a complete shit but my sister said that if they hadn't have had the children then she thinks they would still be together now. She said all their issues stemmed from the impact of having children in their lives (freedom, money problems) and as opposed to discussing their problems my sister just harboured resentment towards him which went on for years and years culminating on their break-up. Obviously she doesn't regret having the children but acknowledges that it was having the children and communication breaking down that caused things to drastically go down hill between them. She told e that I need to be completely honest with DH about how I'm feeling and what my concerns are in order to prevent us from going down the same road.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 21/07/2014 21:27

Op, please don't forget - it's not his attitude to housework, it's his attitude to you.

Absolutely. We keep taking our eye off the ball every time we discuss housework habits.

WanderingTrolley1 · 21/07/2014 23:21

I truly hope, for your sake, Writer, that he keeps it up...

Thumbwitch · 22/07/2014 00:16

Vivacia - you're lucky to have had so much choice. I met DH when I was 36. I love him, but he was a different person in the UK to the one he regressed to when we moved to Australia. Not sure how I was supposed to have known that would happen, eh?

Vivacia · 22/07/2014 08:16

you're lucky to have had so much choice

I'm not sure on either part. I disagree with it been "luck" and I disagree that I've had so much choice. I was single for a couple of years after my first serious relationship because I refused to settle for less than I thought I deserved.

Not sure how I was supposed to have known that would happen, eh?

Well, no, I don't see that you could. I was wondering how I'd react. The nearest I'd got was when me and DP were seriously considering emigrating and spent a couple of months in Canada as a trial run. But we'd lived together in the UK for about 6 months by this point. I can't imagine emigrating with someone I hadn't known that well.

Vivacia · 22/07/2014 08:17

I meant to add, I don't know how I would react if I did emigrate and his personality changed (which I believe is your point). I'm not sure I'd think, "ho hum, I couldn't have predicted this so it's not my fault. I best look forward to another 50 years of it though".

Thumbwitch · 22/07/2014 08:24

Oh look, I can't be bothered to argue this point. You don't know my situation, DH isn't that bad, but he's not that great either. We rub along and I deal with it as best I can given the circumstances.
2 whole years you were single, eh? Well done. I was single a lot longer than that and I was with DH 4 years before we got married; but he regressed when he returned to his mother's sphere and the country of his birth. So shoot me for not working that one out. Hmm

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 08:36

Viv, your comments do make it sound a bit smug, tbh

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 08:37

sorry, make you

basgetti · 22/07/2014 08:45

Op, please don't forget - it's not his attitude to housework, it's his attitude to you.

Yes this is really important. Writer I think you have focused on the housework as the most obvious and physical example of his lack of respect but it really goes beyond that.

I remember another thread of yours when you were pregnant and he was insisting that his parents would be waiting at the hospital whilst you had your c section and come in to see the baby almost immediately. You quite sensibly said you would prefer to ring them after the fact as you weren't sure how you would be feeling and he was completely dismissive of your view. It took a woman in the clinic waiting room to back you up before he relented. Your feelings and views weren't good enough on their own, but as soon as a total stranger repeated what you had been telling him for days he accepted it.

I just think the focus on housework as the only problem is masking the fact that he is selfish and disrespectful in other ways too.

Vivacia · 22/07/2014 09:04

Just addressing the point - what would I do if I was with a man who disregarded my feelings and treated me like a skivvy? I'm sorry if my attitude sounds smug, but what's the alternative - put up and shut up?

Jan45 · 22/07/2014 10:01

Sorry but I too think this is about his selfishness and not housework, having to leave with your child to go stay with your mother to make the point is probably a step too far.....you have hope OP, that's it, I really do hope he starts thinking about you in the relationship, he hasn't up to now.

ICanSeeTheShardFromHere · 22/07/2014 10:16

Omg basgetti I remember that thread - I thought it was completely batshit.

OP I really hope things work out but I also think you have a bigger problem than just the housework.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 12:30

No, Viv, but you seem to be saying that you would be able to spot when of these lazy menchildren before other women would and not get yourself in that situation in the first place.

If that's not what you are saying, the fair enough.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 12:31

*then

Vivacia · 22/07/2014 14:00

I'm not sure how that came across, so I'm glad for you pointing it out so I can clarify that that's absolutely not what I'm thinking or saying.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 14:04

yay Smile

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 23/07/2014 19:21

Well it's still going well here although I appreciate it is early days.

All jobs are getting done and he hasn't left anything lying around. He's just cooked a Shepherds Pie from scratch for my dinner and it was delicious. I was very surprised when I took my plate down to find he'd washed up as he was going along (something I always tell him is easiest) and the kitchen was spotless!!

DH is currently off work so spent the whole night in our room and we had yet another crap night with DS last night. I think I got about 4 hours broken sleep and DH got a snapshot of the reality as he is usually in the spare room when he has work. DH decided to take DS downstairs at 08.00am so I could get more sleep which I was very grateful for as I was dead on my feet.

We spoke about it earlier and asked him if he understood now why, when I'm having a crap nights sleep night after night, I don't have the energy to be doing all the housework every day and picking up after him when I also have DS to entertain and care for during the day.

In the 3 days DH has been with us 24/7 I think it has opened his eyes as to how knackering it can be trying to function on no sleep and how hard it can be trying to find the time to do anything unless DS is asleep - which can be rare in the days.

DH is now at football training and told me to just relax and he will finish all the 'daily jobs' when he gets back Smile

The issue of sex came up again today and I told him that once he starts helping out more and I feel less stressed and tired then maybe sex will be back on the cards! He was jokingly a little put out but I explained that between the sleepless nights, caring for DS and doing all the housework I just don't have time to service him too Grin

OP posts: