Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He promised he'd change, the baby is now here, but he hasn't. How can I make him understand how I feel?

382 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 09/07/2014 13:24

Me and DH got married just over a year ago and have a 3 month old baby.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy. The housework was typically left to me as apparently he didn't see mess. Admittedly I do like a tidy house and maybe our ideas were different as to what constituted 'messy' so I tended to just get on with things. We had some HUGE arguments about housework and how he'd never do anything unless I nagged him but things never really changed. He'd tell me to stop doing the house work and just relax, but if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.

When I was pregnant I told him that I was absolutely dreading the baby arriving because I couldn't imagine looking after a baby but still being expected to do everything around the house. He promised me that things would be different and he would help out more but nothing has changed.

The house is a tip and he doesn't care. I'm pretty tired most days and when DS is asleep I'm running around tidying up and cleaning. When DH comes home he sits on the sofa, I hand DS over and then I have to start doing more housework. I just don't get a break. I'm sitting on the sofa now looking at the tip that is the living room and thinking about how messy all the other bedrooms are, and the kitchen and the bathrooms etc and I could cry. He would never think to do anything.

I feel used and that I'm just being taken for granted. I feel like screaming at him but it just seems so pointless.

We haven't had sex since the baby was born and I have absolutely no desire to do so. DH has started bringing this issue up and the reality is that I don't want to have sex with him because I feel angry with him. I want to feel like we are a partnership and that the house and the baby is a joint responsibility but I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I'm expected to do everything. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes me feel this way?

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 15/07/2014 19:58

Because we're both healthy, functioning adults we clean up after ourselves. Because we love and respect each other we don't drop litter or soiled clothes and leave it there for the other to pick up.

Fairenuff · 15/07/2014 19:58

Ha, good on you mrs.

My son can do everything I can (except drive the car) and my dd can do that too. They garden, shop, clean, launder, iron, cook, everything. They will make fantastic partners one day.

But they won't let others take the piss!!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 15/07/2014 20:04

Maybe that's my problem - I was doing housework to help my mom out from a very early age so it is ingrained in me that everyone needs to pull their weight and every part of housework is a joint responsibility.

My DH on the other hand has never had to do anything for himself.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 15/07/2014 20:07

I was brought up in a household where everyone was expected to contribute. My dad did his fair share of the housework, often more, and that's what I grew up to expect.

What will your child know as the norm?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 15/07/2014 20:11

That's my worry. I'm not having him grow up to think he can be lazy and messy because "mom will clean it up".

A boy who grows up with that attitude will grow up to be a man who expects a woman to clean up after them.

I don't want some woman in 30 years time writing on MN about my son being a lazy and messy idiot who is slowly dragging her down...

OP posts:
somewhatavoidant · 16/07/2014 21:25

I wouldn't thank him OP but I would tell him that his contribution has made you feel better. Sometimes you need to spell it out in order for the message to be understood. He may feel his efforts went unnoticed and give it up as an un-winnable situation!

Jux · 17/07/2014 08:34

Talk to him about setting an example to his children. See if you can make him understand what they will learn by watching his behaviour and attitude to the home. Ask him about how he would like his own daughters treated by their partners.

You don't need to have a big talk - I suspect that would put him into defensive mode and he'd dig his heels in - but lots of little prods perhaps, when he's relaxed and watching his baby, feeling the love and protection that inspires in him.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 18/07/2014 07:33

I've hit a breaking point. I've just text my mom to ask if me and DS can stay at hers for the weekend.

OP posts:
BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 18/07/2014 07:54

Take care, OP. I'm glad you are getting some space.

Vivacia · 18/07/2014 07:54

I think that's a really good idea Writer. I know it's a short term solution, but you really need to recharge your batteries.

(And hopefully once you have the health and distance to think clearly, you'll realise what a shitty situation you're in and no longer think it's a "huh, men!!" joke).

Fairenuff · 18/07/2014 08:07

Did something happen OP, to make you hit breaking point?

Jux · 18/07/2014 08:11

Hope you're OK, Writer, and get a restful respite.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 18/07/2014 08:37

Just the usual. Except now I've learnt that he can't even be bothered to put the shopping away and instead he just leaves it all on the kitchen counter still in the carrier bags. I guess that's another job he thought he'd leave for me.....

OP posts:
Ohbollocksandballs · 18/07/2014 08:40

He won't change and it will get worse.

I had the same situation. I'm now sobbing on the sofa after my first night as a single parent.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 18/07/2014 08:42

Oh no ohbollocks Thanks

Well I'm sitting on my stairs crying too.

On one hand I feel so angry with him and I know I don't deserve this, but on the other hand I'm thinking to myself, "are you really going to leave just because if housework issues?! It feels so wrong but I can't go on.

OP posts:
BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 18/07/2014 08:43

Hang in there ohbollocks Flowers

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 18/07/2014 08:45

Writer, one step at a time. Go to your mum's and go from there.

And if you do leave, it isn't because of housework issues, it's because he is not listening to what you want and need, it's because he doesn't find preventing your unhappiness important enough for a little effort on his part.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 18/07/2014 08:46

I just can't stop crying. And I'm so tried.I just feel so worthless.

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 18/07/2014 08:50

It's not just 'housework issues' though, is it? Apart from the fact you can leave a relationship for any reason you want, his attitude towards housework colours every aspect of your relationship and life together. It shows that he doesn't respect you, doesn't see you as his equal, and treats you (sees you) as little more than his servant. Furthermore, he is practically causing you loads of work and stress. That's not a 'just' reason, that's a massive reason. And if anyone else tries to minimise how upset and offended you are by it all, they are not truly on your side.

He's shown you yet again that any effort he makes will only be very short-lived and just done to shut you up and reel you back in. As Ohbollocks says, he's only goingto get worse. You are doing the right thing.

Ohbollocksandballs · 18/07/2014 08:52

You will be ok, we both will.

You have to go with what is best for your DC's. Arguments and resentment arent.

OxfordBags · 18/07/2014 08:52

You're not worthless. You have a child who thinks that the sun rises and sets because of you. You do all that work and look after a child, and you are taking steps to remove yourself from a situation where you don't get the respect and love you deserve. That's worthy, not worthless. HE is the worthless one.

5madthings · 18/07/2014 08:59

But it's not just housework issues, it's about respect. Your dh clearly can see the mess and do housework as he does so when he wants/can be bothered. But doesn't do so consistently because he knows you will pick up the slack.

In our house we all pitch in, including the madthings but I don't have to tell or ask dp to do stuff, he has eyes he knows what needs to be done and he gets on with it. We all just pitch in!

It's not ok to leave your mess for other people to clear up, fair enough if you are able to have a private space you are happy to leave as a mess bit shared communal areas should be kept reasonably tidy and you pick up your own shit!

Fgs I expect my kids to put rubbish in the bin, cups, plates etc in the sink and they don't leave their stuff lying all over the place, put stuff away when you have finished with it!!!

It's about respecting the people you live with, you all share the space and all need to take responsibility for keeping it a nice space to live in.

I hope you have a nice break writer maybe your dh will realise why he risks losing and get his shit sorted.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 18/07/2014 09:07

It's a good idea to have a break at your mums, writer, you don't have to make decisions, just try to relax.

You are always such a perky, happy presence on mumsnet, I hate to hear you like this Thanks. Everyone struggles at some time, so please don't feel alone.

ilovelamp82 · 18/07/2014 09:13

You are doing the right thing. I was in a similar situation in January. I seperated from my husband in January when my ds was just 5 weeks old. It just hit me that I was not respected and my feelings were not even a consideration and that actually he caised more stress to my life rather than feeling like the team that we should.

I realised that if I can't count on him to be respectful and considerate of me at a time like this, when could I? He left and I wondered how on earth I was going to cope with a toddler and a newborn by myself. My parents have passed away and I have absolutely no support but I can honestly say that everything is a million times better and easier when you don't have to live with the resentment of dealing with a man child. It's6 months on and I know I was the right decdecision. I'm a better and happier mother for it.

I have suffered with back/shoulder pain, every day for years and the day after he left, the pain disappeared and hasn't returned. I have spent the last 6 months unravelling the way that he has spent 10 years moulding me into the person he wanted me to be without having realised it.

It is still sad to me that my kids will never know their parents living together, but I ultimately left FOR them. I don't want them to grow up thinking that this lack of respect is acceptable.

That was a bit of a ramble, because I feel like I could talk about this all day. Feel free to PM me any time

You and your kids deserve better. He is an adult amd is making these choices of his own accord. He could make very simple choices to make your relationship better and he doesn't feel it's worth the effort. So he doesn't deserve to have you.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 18/07/2014 09:21

I know you are all right. All your lovely responses are making me cry even more. I don't know how to tell him, he's at work and I have just bagged up lots of clothes and things I need for the baby and am planning on just going.

OP posts: