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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He promised he'd change, the baby is now here, but he hasn't. How can I make him understand how I feel?

382 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 09/07/2014 13:24

Me and DH got married just over a year ago and have a 3 month old baby.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy. The housework was typically left to me as apparently he didn't see mess. Admittedly I do like a tidy house and maybe our ideas were different as to what constituted 'messy' so I tended to just get on with things. We had some HUGE arguments about housework and how he'd never do anything unless I nagged him but things never really changed. He'd tell me to stop doing the house work and just relax, but if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.

When I was pregnant I told him that I was absolutely dreading the baby arriving because I couldn't imagine looking after a baby but still being expected to do everything around the house. He promised me that things would be different and he would help out more but nothing has changed.

The house is a tip and he doesn't care. I'm pretty tired most days and when DS is asleep I'm running around tidying up and cleaning. When DH comes home he sits on the sofa, I hand DS over and then I have to start doing more housework. I just don't get a break. I'm sitting on the sofa now looking at the tip that is the living room and thinking about how messy all the other bedrooms are, and the kitchen and the bathrooms etc and I could cry. He would never think to do anything.

I feel used and that I'm just being taken for granted. I feel like screaming at him but it just seems so pointless.

We haven't had sex since the baby was born and I have absolutely no desire to do so. DH has started bringing this issue up and the reality is that I don't want to have sex with him because I feel angry with him. I want to feel like we are a partnership and that the house and the baby is a joint responsibility but I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I'm expected to do everything. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes me feel this way?

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/07/2014 20:49

Well I came home to an absolutely spotless house!!

Every room on every floor was immaculate and the washing basket was empty too!!

We had a really long talk about things, I told him how I felt and how he needs to pick up after himself and help around the house and he said he genuinely didn't realise I felt so worthless and was upset that it had come to me leaving to make him realise.

We have agreed that tomorrow we will sit down and write a list of all tasks that need doing daily, fortnightly and monthly and use that as a guide to ensure everything is done and he has promised to be more assertive in terms of cleaning up after himself.

I don't know how things will pan out but I feel a positive step has been taken. All I can do is give him this chance and see how things go.

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 20/07/2014 21:00

See he is capable. He just chose not to. I really hope it works out for you. If you're setting your boundaries for what you feel is acceptable and you have explained to him how it makes you feel and the consequences and he has told you that he understands what you have said then there should be no room for negating from what he has promised to do without a proper reasonable conversation as adults and loving partners.

Just know your worth OP and stick to your guns. You deserve to be treated well.

I hope all goes well for you, and you get to enjoy this precious time with your baby.

Lweji · 20/07/2014 21:04

Fingers crossed he'll step up.
But I think you will need to have very clear expectations and consequences.

Of course he can make your house spotless. He chooses not to bother on a daily basis.

Osirus · 20/07/2014 21:58

That's good news - I hope he sticks to it. If he does it for long enough it will become routine.

Jux · 21/07/2014 01:07

...because naturally you hadn't told him before; but now you have told him, and you know you have told him, so if he doesn't sort himself out and behave like an adult with responsibility for his environment and his own behaviour, well, then you can tell him again.

Good luck, Writer, really, good luck. I hope things work out.

Lweji · 21/07/2014 05:54

The strange thing is that when I had my CS I was out of action for weeks and he did EVERYTHING around the house, he kept it so tidy and I really thought I was seeing a new side to him.

But as I started to get back on my feet and more able to do things around the house, things started to slide back to where we are today.

So he can do it - which makes it worse as now I know he's purposefully just choosing not to bother. His attitude seems to be that because he doesn't like doing it then he's not going to do it. Does he think I enjoy doing it?

Earlier post from you.

The floor hasn't been hoovered in months as that's one of 'his jobs'.
He already had jobs he was supposed to do, but didn't

What makes you think this time will be different, and what will be your breaking point if when he slides back again?

Good luck. You will need it.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 21/07/2014 07:55

The thing that has been different this time is because normally I'm telling him how angry I am whilst crying and screaming at him, whereas this time it wasn't like that.

I sat him down, TV off and spelt it out clearly and firmly what I expect from him, how I'm made to feel by him not pulling his weight and that I am not prepared to go on like this. I said things have to change.

The fact I was saying it in a calm and rational manner made him realise just how much I did mean it this time and was not just having an emotional meltdown as he may previously have assumed when I was ranting about the housework.

We actually wrote our list out last night with us both adding things to it that we thought needed to be done and how often they needed doing.

I'm not saying it's going to work and things are going to miraculously change but I have to give him the chance. If things don't change or they start to slip again in a few months then I guess there are no excuses left for him.

OP posts:
WanderingTrolley1 · 21/07/2014 08:16

Good luck, Writer!

ilovelamp82 · 21/07/2014 08:24

I understand your desperation for this to work. And you are to be admired for your strength. My guess is that you won't have to wait months. But I sincerely hope I'm wrong and wish you lots of luck.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/07/2014 09:48

I'm glad you got to chill out at your mums and she looked after you.
I hope he can step up.
He's had every opportunity before and hasn't done it.
I'm not holding my breath but good luck!

Lweji · 21/07/2014 10:00

Fingers firmly crossed for you. :)

Jan45 · 21/07/2014 14:16

Don't kid yourself that he didn't realise you were upset, of course he did, when he saw you crying and pulling your hair out.

It's a step in the right direction but no way is it the end of your situation, I just hope he can maintain it, I'm doubtful, I think he's just a lazy man.

Oh and if he got off his arse at any point, you wouldn't be having emotional breakdowns, he's absolutely well aware of how this affects you personally.

BeCool · 21/07/2014 14:47

yeah cause if you repeatedly mention the fact that he is a total slob and doesn't do any housework, you must be having an emotional breakdown!

it does sound like the situation is getting worse not better - his behaviour is still all about the OP, manipulating her, doing what he has to do to keep his life sweet without any real connection to the issues here. And then to minimise "Oh I didn't think YOU were SERIOUS!!" Confused

I hope I'm wrong Writer and this all works out brilliantly for you all, but I'm not holding my breath.

Jan45 · 21/07/2014 14:52

OP, don't forget he allowed things to get to the point that you had to leave your home, he did that, not you.

Thumbwitch · 21/07/2014 15:28

Glad things have resolved to some extent for now and I really hope that he does pull his finger out, and keep it out, now. And if he doesn't, then, well really there's no hope, is there :(

Itsfab - I have a friend who is the teenagey slob in the house, her DH is the houseproud one and he is therefore the one who keeps the house tidy/clean/does the laundry etc, whereas she is the one who screws her clothes up on the floor and so on. Works for them.
In our house, DH doesn't "see" mess Hmm but does occasionally tidy up his own spaces; which is fine because I won't. He does cook and wash up and clean the kitchen in turn with me, he's not allowed in the laundry because he has no clue about separating, temps or anything (and I'm a monica when it comes to laundry) but he won't hoover unless I ask, or sweep the wooden floors or clean the bathroom. But if I ask him to do stuff, he will mostly do it (he might have a little bitch about it though) and we have our rotas for the daily things, because neither of us are particularly tidy or houseproud.

Jux · 21/07/2014 16:15

Mmmm, Writer. So when you're crying and screaming at him he thinks you're, what, just having a laugh with him? making it up? What?

He finds it amusing that you're in that state, and he doesn't have to take it seriously? He thinks you can't possibly mean it, because, well, when people cry they don't mean it do they, it can't possibly be serious?

As everyone says, very best of luck to you Writer. I really hope he means it and does it, and becomes a responsible adult. Thanks

Itsfab · 21/07/2014 16:34

This will only work if you actually leave when he lets you down.

And yes, you can leave over house work. You can leave just because.

The straw that broke the camel's back.

Good luck.

FWIW You don't sound like you have PND. It sounds like you have Twatty Husband Situation.

Vivacia · 21/07/2014 16:54

When you sit down to write that list, make sure that he's the one with the pen in his hand or fingertips on the keyboard.

Itsfab · 21/07/2014 16:59

Thumbwitch - I hope you don't tolerate the man who is supposed to love you bitching about doing what needs to be done. A lot of us don't particularly like cleaning but it has to be done. I realise I have cleared up after my kids too much and they are all benefitting from the new sensible mummy Wink. DH will do anything I ask but is also capable of, and does, do anything that he sees needing doing. I prefer to get the jobs done and then chill whereas he is the opposite but it all mostly gets done.

Thumbwitch · 21/07/2014 17:23

No of course I don't smile indulgently while he bitches and whinges, I tell him not to! But he still does it. He IS the product of a mother who did everything for him and doesn't really see why he should work and do housework too. I cba to keep explaining, just cut to the chase and ask him to do stuff - if he bitches, I either tell him not to or ignore him.

Really though, I do find it tiresome that people with the perfect partner seem to think that any of us with the more substandard version should somehow deal with this either without attempting to train them (they're grown men! Shock or just leaving them. It's too late to say "well you should have picked a better one" - plus maybe the "better one" just wasn't available/around/out there at the time! Well done for getting a good one.

Itsfab · 21/07/2014 17:47

I certainly never said you should leave him. Just don't clear up after him unless he is willing to clear up after you. Marriage is supposed to be a team. There are jobs I don't want to do and DH will do them and vice versa. Doesn't mean I have the perfect partner.

Thumbwitch · 21/07/2014 17:56

but [he] does occasionally tidy up his own spaces; which is fine because I won't.

From the post of 15:28

AnyFucker · 21/07/2014 18:27

Didn't your last thread on this matter end with him promising to buck his ideas up ?

< sigh >

GoodtoBetter · 21/07/2014 18:56

I think it ended in the same way really that he did a big tidy up and promised to change.

Vivacia · 21/07/2014 19:58

It's too late to say "well you should have picked a better one" - plus maybe the "better one" just wasn't available/around/out there at the time! Well done for getting a good one.

I don't know about anyone else, but I didn't just fall over a "perfect partner" in the street, I just refused to settle for an adult incapable of pulling his own weight in a household. Cleaning the bath and putting a load of washing on isn't exactly a definition of perfect.