He promised he'd change, the baby is now here, but he hasn't. How can I make him understand how I feel?

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and DH got married just over a year ago and have a 3 month old baby.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy. The housework was typically left to me as apparently he didn't see mess. Admittedly I do like a tidy house and maybe our ideas were different as to what constituted 'messy' so I tended to just get on with things. We had some HUGE arguments about housework and how he'd never do anything unless I nagged him but things never really changed. He'd tell me to stop doing the house work and just relax, but if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.

When I was pregnant I told him that I was absolutely dreading the baby arriving because I couldn't imagine looking after a baby but still being expected to do everything around the house. He promised me that things would be different and he would help out more but nothing has changed.

The house is a tip and he doesn't care. I'm pretty tired most days and when DS is asleep I'm running around tidying up and cleaning. When DH comes home he sits on the sofa, I hand DS over and then I have to start doing more housework. I just don't get a break. I'm sitting on the sofa now looking at the tip that is the living room and thinking about how messy all the other bedrooms are, and the kitchen and the bathrooms etc and I could cry. He would never think to do anything.

I feel used and that I'm just being taken for granted. I feel like screaming at him but it just seems so pointless.

We haven't had sex since the baby was born and I have absolutely no desire to do so. DH has started bringing this issue up and the reality is that I don't want to have sex with him because I feel angry with him. I want to feel like we are a partnership and that the house and the baby is a joint responsibility but I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I'm expected to do everything. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes me feel this way?

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

Agree with PP who said put you and your DS first, let him fester in his own filth if thats what he prefers.

If it puts your mind at ease just now. Maybe text him and say that you're out and about with dc and battery isabout to run out, then turn your phone off till you're ready to talk to him.

Just remember that you owe him nothing. You've given him ample explanation and opportunity. Taking time out for yourself is your right.

He doesn't worry about how you feel about his actions so don't feel you have to worry about what he'll think of yours. I know it's hard, because you're a nice person but you and your dc are your priority now. And if he's not going to make you his priority then you have to.

Be good to yourself. Nice long soak in the tub at your Mum's. A good homecooked meal and some relaxing time. The right course of action will become clear. Make sure he gives you the time to decide what is besy for you and your kids, not what he decides is best.

You should be so proud of yourself for seeing what's wrong and doing something about it. You are clearly a lovely, intelligent strong woman and your dc is lucky to have you.

Glad to hear you are going your mum's for some TLC. Take care of yourself and your gorgeous ds.

Well done, Writer.

Don't make any decisions now, or over the next few days. Bask in the tlc, drink in the calmer atmosphere. Let your mum spoil you a bit.

It's come to a bad point when the kindness of strangers on the internet makes you cry. That says so much about how uncared for and undervalued you have been feeling.

It's not just housework though, is it? I remember reading a thread of yours when you were pg and had d and v (and as an HG sufferer I sympathise). You were in bed for 3 days or something and he did NOTHING, cleaned nothing, put nothing away for 3 days to the extent when you came down to the kitchen there was nothing clean and 3 days worth of rotting food and dirty plates. I thought that was fucking awful, but then you wrote out the conversation you'd had with him and he said "well, if you're well enough to be out of bed, you're well enough to clean up" and then when you challenged him, he claimed he was "joking". Made me so ragey I hid the thread. He's a lazy CUNT, he really is.
:(

Oh my god, he's not just a lazy cunt, he's a selfish cunt too.

Just read through the whole thread

This is awful, he needs a reality check, and going to your mums for a while might give him that

How are you op?

Oh Writer. I've just read GoodtoBetter's post there

You can't live with someone who treats you like that. Do you have any idea how utterly dreadful that is?

op, tell him whatever you want then switch your phone off.

You deserve so much more.

Writer, I hope you are feeling more rested at your mums. The picture you have painted of your dh is not great and I don't want to minimise that. However I agree with pp that it might be a good idea to chat to your hv or gp about how you are feeling. I'm not stalking you (honest!) but I have read a number if your threads where you have been tearful or anxious. Your comment about feeling worthless reminded me of a friend who has pnd. It could be magnifying adifficult situation. Have you got rl friends to chat to?

I agree with what those are saying about PND. Sometimes you don't know you have it until something triggers it. My sister's baby was four/five months old before she realised, triggered by a stressful event which she would otherwise have been able to cope with.

Taking a break from home will do you good, and perhaps gain some perspective. In your shoes, I would visit the GP to discuss the possibility of PND. This is in no way to trivialize how you feel about your partner's lack of respect. I have to say he doesn't seem like (from having read previous threads about him) that he makes you that happy. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who does not respect you, creates so much hard work and who, seemingly, doesn't care enough about you to change his behaviour? You've a long time left to live yet, and life is too short.

Why would I have PND? For 13 pages people have been telling me I deserve better, I shouldn't put up with it and leave, but now that I've done it it means I've got PND?

This issue and our arguments over housework have been going on for years, it isn't something that has just happened now DS has arrived. DS's arrival has just made me realise I'm not prepared to put up with it any longer.

DH was quite shocked when I told him via phone that I was staying at my moms. I explained why over the phone and he said he hadn't realised he was so bad. He then set me lots of apologetic texts, saying he was so sorry I'm so upset but he understands why I am. I have agreed to see him tomorrow to talk about it face to face.

I'm having a lovely time at my moms, I'm just so relaxed. She won't let me do anything! I'm having food and drinks regularly bought to me, I had a lovely lie in this morning because she took DS and I even got to have a bath!!

I feel so rejuvenated already!!

It's a strange PND you get before being pregnant.

I'm paranoid now that I might have PND??

Well I guess you might have, but it's a separate issue to your dirty, selfish, disrespectful husband.

I was scared I had PND when DS1 was tiny. Then one night DH sent me to the spare room and did the night duty armed with bottles of expressed milk. After my first full night's sleep in four months I was fine again.

Would lay money that you're not depressed, just knackered and stressed. Let your mum look after you :-)

And I am glad your DH is apologising but I highly doubt he 'didn't realise' he was that bad. What he didn't realise was that you might actually stop putting up with it...

I agree with your last paragraph wholeheartedly silverlining

One of my best friends is a HV and I have been talking to her for weeks about all these issues and she has never expressed any concern about my mental health.

I'm just knackered, stressed and pissed off

I don't think you have post natal depression I think you may have pathetic nobber depression i.e depression brought on by living with and being treated like a servant by a pathetic nobber who thinks it's your job to pick up after him.

I am sorry if i have upset you, that was not what i wanted. I am sure your hv friend would know better. I am glad you are being well looked after and hope yourdh bucksc his ideas up.

The longer you stay away, the more likely he will really get the message, instead of just paying lip service.

fruit - don't worry, you haven't upset me

I still just feel so guilty about the timing of it. Part of me thinks he is angry at me for doing it just after his mom died, I feel like I'm abandoning him

No don't feel bad. These are two separate issues. He just isn't contributing to the crap side of life, and he just won't listen to your kind nice requests! I bet when you get home the place is spotless!

I hope you can work things out and he can find it in himself to make the fundamental changes you need him to.

Writer, I agree with silverlining and GtoB. PatheticNobberDepression explains your problem perfectly.

I have questions though : Is he a fool? does he have a learning disability?

If the answer to those questions is No, then he understood perfectly well how bad he was but he didn't care.

If the answer to the first question is Yes, and No to the second, then you have some hope that he may learn something from this. He needs to learn that lesson well though, so can you stay at your mum's for a couple of weeks? They do say that it takes 10 weeks to learn a new habit - for it to become automatic - so he needs that amount of time to automatically pick up after himself, do chores, etc.

You won't need to be at your mum's that long - unless you want to be, of course - but if you do go back, then you will have to pull him up on things strongly for a while to come.

Good luck. Keep posting.

I hope you can work this out.