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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He promised he'd change, the baby is now here, but he hasn't. How can I make him understand how I feel?

382 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 09/07/2014 13:24

Me and DH got married just over a year ago and have a 3 month old baby.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy. The housework was typically left to me as apparently he didn't see mess. Admittedly I do like a tidy house and maybe our ideas were different as to what constituted 'messy' so I tended to just get on with things. We had some HUGE arguments about housework and how he'd never do anything unless I nagged him but things never really changed. He'd tell me to stop doing the house work and just relax, but if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.

When I was pregnant I told him that I was absolutely dreading the baby arriving because I couldn't imagine looking after a baby but still being expected to do everything around the house. He promised me that things would be different and he would help out more but nothing has changed.

The house is a tip and he doesn't care. I'm pretty tired most days and when DS is asleep I'm running around tidying up and cleaning. When DH comes home he sits on the sofa, I hand DS over and then I have to start doing more housework. I just don't get a break. I'm sitting on the sofa now looking at the tip that is the living room and thinking about how messy all the other bedrooms are, and the kitchen and the bathrooms etc and I could cry. He would never think to do anything.

I feel used and that I'm just being taken for granted. I feel like screaming at him but it just seems so pointless.

We haven't had sex since the baby was born and I have absolutely no desire to do so. DH has started bringing this issue up and the reality is that I don't want to have sex with him because I feel angry with him. I want to feel like we are a partnership and that the house and the baby is a joint responsibility but I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I'm expected to do everything. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes me feel this way?

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/07/2014 14:40

wonder not worry

Jan45 · 09/07/2014 14:41

OP, if you can, bugger off and stay with your parents.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 09/07/2014 14:41

I found the "leave him" comments immensely helpful :o

My happiness is due to that advice.

Op you need to decide if you can live Like this or not. You have explained this upsets you, he has not changed. You have a choice to accept the status quo and maybe get a cleaner to help, or to change things yourself (which could include leaving). This is the decision he has left you with. If you can put up with it, then that is up to you.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2014 14:41

Sorry about your MIL but why are you the one sitting crying and feeling unable to reasonably tell him he needs to step up and be a man ?

Jan45 · 09/07/2014 14:42

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

HE does understand and knows how you feel, this is the real him OP, he doesn't actually care.

And, no, you won't want to have sex with a man that you actually resent because he is making you feel shit.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 09/07/2014 14:44

Writer, you poor thing :(

Stop doing his cleaning. Leave his clothes, don't cook his food, don't do his dishes.

His dm dying does mean this probably isn't the best time for a confrontation, but that doesn't mean you can't stop doing it all right now.

Keep doing what you did. Anything he leaves around, chuck it in his wardrobe. Clean, dirty, clothes, dishes, that way you don't have to see it.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/07/2014 14:52

boulevard - I had to cancel the cleaner coming to do the estimation as my DH's mom died Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/07/2014 14:54

Part of me wants to just go and stay at my moms for a few days, not because I want to be away from DH but just because I need to be somewhere where I don't feel everything is my responsibility. I feel like I've been such a bad mom today because I'm crying and feeling irritated by DS. No wonder he keeps crying too.

OP posts:
PetulaGordino · 09/07/2014 14:57

the thing is, it's obviously terribly sad about his mother, and he must be grieving terribly. and it's normal that at that sort of time you end up doing more than your share because it's such a rotten thing for him to go through

but... you're already doing that anyway aren't you? you're doing same amount that you would do if you were making allowances for someone who is recently bereaved

AnyFucker · 09/07/2014 14:59

...which is of course unsustainable

Hissy · 09/07/2014 15:02

Getting a cleaner will solve the issue you are struggling with, but it won't solve the problem.

The problem is your H and his lack of concern about how his laziness affects you, about his view of women as the sole being that cleans and cooks/cares for him.

Writer go to your mum's go and take a break, and tell your H that you expect him to have cleaned up before you get back.

If he hasn't cleaned, you're staying put until he does.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/07/2014 15:08

I really can't say anything because he's so upset about his mom. I don't want to argue with him because I know I will just lose it and it's not fair when he's still so low about his mom. He will be home soon and I'm trying to think of ways to make my face look like I haven't been crying for an hour.

I'm thinking about taking all his stuff out the wardrobe too and putting it back where I found it - I just can't argue with him about it all right now, it isn't right

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/07/2014 15:09

Put up and STFU then ? Very sad Sad

Jan45 · 09/07/2014 15:13

OP, fair enough, but, that doesn't stop you in a month's time doing exactly that so just bide your time and wait for the right moment.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/07/2014 15:14

Looks that way Sad

I really can't add to his upset right now. I will refresh my make-up,put a smile on my face and depleting it in a few weeks maybe when things have settled down a little after his mom.

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 09/07/2014 15:15

OP, you will always find a reason to not confront this. Once you deem it reasonable to bring it up, after her death, there'll be something else.

You need to focus on change for YOURSELF. Somewhere, deep down, you are telling yourself that this is an okay way to be treated, and that all the shitwork should be yours as a woman.

Your baby is picking up on your distress. It's what babies and children do. You will keep on being distressed, and overwhelmed, and resentful, and humiliated, and despairing, and sad, and angry, and he will keep on feeding off that. You being treated like shit is damaging your child and impairing your ability to be the mum you are capable of being. The focus needs to be on the mum who is ALIVE - you.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/07/2014 15:15

Typo: I meant to say I will deal with it in a month's time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/07/2014 15:17

I just feel like I don't matter anymore.

OP posts:
QuietNinjaTardis · 09/07/2014 15:17

Leave it. Just tell him you've had a tough day with the baby but sooner or later you're gonna have to issue some ultimatums because he won't change.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2014 15:19

So, in a months time you will have a holiday "you" can't spoil

Or a kids birthday "you" can't ruin

Or Xmas coming up and "you" don't want to the one putting a downer on it

Except it's not "you" at all, it's him

The fact is, there will never be a "right" time to tackle this (unless it was right at the start of your cohabitation but that horse has well and truly bolted)

You will still be feeling like this in a month, a year, a decade. Unless you are prepared to take it seriously enough to tackle it properly, because he will not.

Jan45 · 09/07/2014 15:19

OP I bet in a month's time when you are staying at your parents place you will realise even more so what a lazy useless person he is, just bide your time. You can't get a partnership out of two people who are fundamentally different.

OxfordBags · 09/07/2014 15:19

You feel like that because you DON'T matter - to him. His behaviour is clearly telling you that you don't matter.

You have a choice to accept it or not. He's not going to change, so you have to change yourself or accept that you are essentially his housemaid and nanny.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2014 15:20

You do matter, but not to him. Not while you have your appeaser's pinny tied firmly on and still thinking what you need to do is put some lippy on, smile brightly and carry on screaming inside.

OxfordBags · 09/07/2014 15:21

At some point, OP, you will have to confront the fact that, whilst all of this is HIS fault, you are choosing to make excuses to accept it. And ask yourself why... really why.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/07/2014 15:22

I'm so scared that you're all right.

Anyway, I have to go now because he will be home soon and I've got to get ready to go out somewhere. Think you for all your thoughts. I'm looking forward to coming back and re-reading them all later when I'm a bit more calmer and clear headed.

OP posts: