He promised he'd change, the baby is now here, but he hasn't. How can I make him understand how I feel?

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and DH got married just over a year ago and have a 3 month old baby.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy. The housework was typically left to me as apparently he didn't see mess. Admittedly I do like a tidy house and maybe our ideas were different as to what constituted 'messy' so I tended to just get on with things. We had some HUGE arguments about housework and how he'd never do anything unless I nagged him but things never really changed. He'd tell me to stop doing the house work and just relax, but if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.

When I was pregnant I told him that I was absolutely dreading the baby arriving because I couldn't imagine looking after a baby but still being expected to do everything around the house. He promised me that things would be different and he would help out more but nothing has changed.

The house is a tip and he doesn't care. I'm pretty tired most days and when DS is asleep I'm running around tidying up and cleaning. When DH comes home he sits on the sofa, I hand DS over and then I have to start doing more housework. I just don't get a break. I'm sitting on the sofa now looking at the tip that is the living room and thinking about how messy all the other bedrooms are, and the kitchen and the bathrooms etc and I could cry. He would never think to do anything.

I feel used and that I'm just being taken for granted. I feel like screaming at him but it just seems so pointless.

We haven't had sex since the baby was born and I have absolutely no desire to do so. DH has started bringing this issue up and the reality is that I don't want to have sex with him because I feel angry with him. I want to feel like we are a partnership and that the house and the baby is a joint responsibility but I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I'm expected to do everything. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes me feel this way?

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

One step at a time.

Has your mum replied?

It's good for you to get your mums for a break and some love and attention.
Take your time and think things through.
You need to do what is best for your and DC.
You can't go on feeling like you do and only you can change that.
Have a nice time at your mums.
for you.

Yes, she rang me as soon as she got my text. She told me it's no problem me going over and could stay as long as I needed. She left my dad because of how he treated her so she knows how I feel.

Glad your mum understands.

You don't have to tell him anything right now other than you are off to visit your mum with DS. One step at a time.

Sounds like that's the best thing for you. A bit of TLC from mum and some space to think. You need to be good to yourself right now. Don't spend your time worrying about him. If he'd had the same consideration you wouldn't be going anywhere.

Take the time to decide to decide what is best for YOU and your children. And have some hugs and home cooking from Mum.

If I were in your position I would just go. When he calls to find out where you are, I would simply say that you are feeling disrespected and undervalued as you've previously expressed and that you have gone to get some space and would ask that he respect that. And make sure he does respect that.

Space to breathe and reassess is pointless if he is texting and calling, trying to occupy your headspace.

Well done, OP. Form a united front with your mum and bring it home to the slob that this is it. I don't hold out much hope though, anyone who can leave a bag full of shopping - presumably with perishable stuff in it - for a woman with a young baby to put away is a twat of incredible magnitude.

Housework issues are so much bigger than that though, they demonstrate how he views you on a fundamental level, as a domestic servant, whose time is less important than his and whose skills are less valuable. It's a massive, massive disrespect and you can't possibly live the next 50 years festering with resentment over it.

My mom only lives 20 minutes away, I really don't want him turning up. I like the idea of saying I feel undervalued and disrespected. If I'm honest the cleaning is just one of the issues, his attitude towards money also worries me. I'm just constantly feeling like we aren't a partnership and everything is on his terms. I'm crying again.

Writer you sound really sad and distressed have you seen your hv or dr to rule out Pnd? Not that your dh isn't being an unsupportive arse but you sure there isn't an underlying depression magnifying it all?

Couldn't even put the shopping away

What's happening with money?

Oh, and what if he shows up?
Don't answer the door.
Tell him to go away and if he refuses you can report it to the police.

You could say you and your mum are gojng away together if you don't want him to turn up?

writer I've lurked on here, and I agree that you are doing the best thing. You will either be an amazing single parent or he will pull his finger out and pull his weight.

Being a single parent isn't as bad as it seems.

It will get so much better with a bit of clarity OP. But you are strong.

Don't worrt about him turning up. If you are clear with him that you are leaving due to his lack of respect and you ask that he respects your space. To text/phone or turn up would be contining to do the one thing that you have asked him not to and confirm everything that you know already. If he doesn't take your wishes seriously then there is no question that you're making the right decision. He doesn't get to control you when you have expressed your wishes otherwise.

You can't control his actions, but they will likely speak volumes.

Oh and the shopping reminds me of my useless exH, who'd order the shopping online (even though he was at home doing fuck little and could have done it during the day - but he had social anxiety...).
He'd book it for a time when I'd be at home, I'd answer the door and would willingly leave me to put all the shopping away, while sitting on his bloody sofa.
End of rant.

Time away sounds like a good plan.

I just got back from seeing a nurse at my GP surgery. I have thrush and dermatitis. She asked if I was under any stress or run down as my immune system is probably a bit low.

My DH keeps ringing and I don't know what to do. I can't land this on him whilst he's at work.

Tell him you'll speak to him later.

Why is he ringing?

He always rings me in the day to see how we are.

My DS hasn't been gaining weight very well recently and the Practice Nurse said that stress can hinder the production of breast milk. When it gets to the point that my health is suffering and potentially DS's then I know enough is enough.

I'm just leaving to go to my mom's now. Thanks everyone for your support.

Take care.

And remember to only speak to him on your own terms. You don't have to just because he wants to.

I you can I think you should text him and let him know that you're safe and when you will get in touch and what you need from him in the meantime.

Absolutely!
Time to put yourself and DS first.

Just remember it is not about housework, it's about his continual ignorance of your needs, wishes and necessities - sorry OP but he doesn't love you, if he did, he would show it.

Leaving the bags on the counter for you to empty is just an absolute piss take.

I promise you'll have the best sleep when you get to your mums, enjoy the rest and don't go back until / if you are ready.