Does anyone remember? Things are pretty crummy now

[wavesandsmiles]

Links to earlier posts

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1813521-Waves-is-determined-to-keep-winning-now-that-Acrobat-has-arrived

My little acrobat is nearly one. This time last year his MN aunties were cheering him on. I've survived a year but things are tough. I have pnd which has been worsening, and was signed off work a couple of weeks ago.

My new job is very stressful but also Twunt continues to mess with my head. I cannot let go. He clicks his fingers and I'm like a bloody lap dog. I hate myself.

I'm not really eating anymore. I find it hard to smile. It feels like my children would really be better off without me.

Waves, my beautiful girl

waves my lovely, I hope you are ok. I have been thinking of you. I hope you are going to get back to gp and get more help from them. PND is a bitch, but there are so many stories of people coming out the other side, I am rooting for us both to get there and be posting much happier thoughts sometime soon

Have you bought those roller skates yet?! It sounds like a great idea. What else makes you happy? I hid from the housework for an hour yesterday evening and read a book and it definitely lifted my mood a bit.

Thinking of you xx

Hi Waves - I'm so glad to see you here again although not to read what a sad place you are in just now, and have been for the last year by the sound of it.

I was on your threads before and I have to say that I think he has the measure of the situation - he is indeed the heroin to your addiction. BUT (and this is important) he is also the dealer. Not only is he the drug, he also brings it to your door. He is enjoying the fact that you cannot do without him - what a massive boost to his ego! He gets sex with you whenever he feels like it, regardless of you not being together, he's STILL sponging off you and taking you for a ride, AND he doesn't have to live with you or even be nice to you! WOW! What a deal he has got himself there!

Did you investigate the Freedom programme as people before suggested? You really need to. You also need to take a really long look at what it is you are getting from this "man" - a quick shag isn't the main fix, surely? So are you still wearing the rose-tinted specs that make you think he's God's Gift? He so isn't.

And do please disabuse your brain of the concept that you are "not good enough for him" - he isn't fit to lick your shoes. He is a barnacle that you cannot scrape off; in fact, he's a tick. A tick who is buried so far in your skin that you cannot pull him out, and he keeps feeding his poison into you.

THat picture - my GOD! What a bastard!! How dare he feed you a list of instructions like that! And it worked, didn't it - subliminally you took note of what it said and your subconscious thought "Yes! This is what I need to do to make him love me and turn back into my Prince!" WRONG. All those instructions were designed to subjugate you back into being his complete slave again.

But since your subconscious is possibly open to suggestion, then I think we should offer you a list of alternatives - please write them down for yourself, and stick in a frame or to your mirror or something. The list must contain only positive statements, no "negative" words at all (No Don't, no Must Not, nothing like that)

I'll start:

You are the perfect mother for your children

You are a talented, gifted musician, who brings pleasure to hundreds at a time!

I still feel sick today. But still NC. And that's since Tuesday or Wednesday I think. He sent me a what's app message this morning so I blocked him on there too.

Today I need to investigate the online freedom programme, find some roller skates, take my dog for a walk and finish tidying my bedroom. My current Workaway volunteer leaves today and we will miss her a lot. Such a lovely lady who was both a huge help and good company.

I'm so determined to break this damned addiction and need to remind myself of what the real Twunt is as opposed to this stupid fairy tale picture I carry around in my heart. I've never cried so much in my life as when I was with him. I started self harming again during our relationship. He let me down over and over again and each time I ended up trying even harder to please him, to be good enough for the happy ending I thought he promised. And this is the mind set I need to get out of.

I have another new lodger moving in. One of my current ones got into rent arrears and was pretty appalling to have around actualy. It's a long standing friend of mine who Is great with my three DCs and good company. So he's coming here in a few weeks.

I want to know how to make myself happy.

You are strong

You know how to love

Are you getting a new Workaway volunteer? It sounds like it's really important for you to have someone around to understands what you're going through, like a sober coach for recovering addicts. This seems like a very dangerous time for her to be going, do you have a strategy in mind for how you'll cope with the desperation once she's gone?

Here's my positive statement for your mirror:
I am awed by your ability to go through a gruelling interview with a small baby and blow their bloody socks off. You have mad skillz, lady

Rollerskating sounds brilliant as well, you need to make sure you have plenty of distractions in this early withdrawal phase.

Waves, I have told you previously about the situation with me ex and while not as bad as yours as he wasn't abusive, I was still doing things that were hurting myself and it probably took 1-2 years to stop doing it and to stop wanting to do it. I still wish we were friends but I am able to not try and contact again.

If I can do it when I am pretty useless you definitely can when you certainly aren't.

I had a friend offer to let me text her whenever I had the urge so I didn't contact him and I want to make that same offer to you.

Enjoy your skates!

You make yourself happy in small steps, one minute, one hour at a time.

You make yourself happy by loving the girl you were the same way you love your children. You heal her bit by bit as you build a happy life for yourself and your children.

You fill your bubble with good, happy, safe things like pancakes with ice cream for breakfast, just because, and music on a rainy day, and roller skating when the sun is out.

Every time you snuggle up on the sofa for a story or a DVD. Every time you put a little money in the bank to build a more secure future. Every time you tuck your children into bed knowing that today was a good day, that whatever small mistakes were made (because we all make them from time to time) you have loved them fiercely, cared for them to the best of your ability, and been good enough for them and for you.

I love tribpot's tribute to you but am going to change it around for you - in fact I'm going to change them all around for you because otherwise you won't believe in your subconscious that they relate to you, but to "some other person".

I am the perfect mother for my children

I am a talented, gifted musician, who brings pleasure to hundreds at a time!

I am strong

I know how to love

My ability to go through a gruelling interview with a small baby and blow their bloody socks off is awesome! I have mad skillz

Now you MUST copy these down onto paper and stick it onto your mirror. Every time you look in the mirror, smile at yourself first and foremost. THEN read the List. Every day. Your brain will start to believe them, I promise.

I've got what it takes to support myself and my children financially and give us all a wonderful life together

waves, I remember reading your threads from last year though I didn't post then. I was amazed by what a lovely and strong person you were and are. PND is so hard even for someone with a loving and supportive partner around--I can't imagine how much harder it is for someone who is being harassed and manipulated by a complete and pathetic dickhead.

Every hour and day of no contact with him is another opportunity for you to gather strength and be able to break entirely free from him emotionally. It is a long journey but I know you can do it!

Great news about the new lodger

I can write my own fairy tale ending for me and my family.

Ooh nice one, Beryl. But should it be fairy tale ending or just fairy tale?

I love all your positive affirmations so much. I am going to get them written out and put around the mirror in my bedroom.

I have found out I can do the online freedom course for just £10. I have put roller skates for us into amazon basket (but not yet confident enough to check out). I finished cleaning and decluttering my entire house. I see a psychiatrist tomorrow at 2. I see my GP tomorrow at 11.10. I want to cut myself right now because I feel so un-ready to return to work tomorrow morning and feel I need a proper excuse as opposed to I feel totally shit and think I need more anti depressants and I will cry and cry if I have to be there. Acrobat got another tooth (number 7). I miss my Workaway volunteer, I have another arriving Thursday but she's younger and I'm worried I'll have to be mum to another person. Acrobat is nearly walking.... He's stepping all over the place just holding one of my hands. I miss cuddles. Love given to and received from children is different to the love given to and received from a partner. I'm scared Twunt will use the court to prohibit me leaving where I live. Even though it's what we both planned. I feel so lonely.

It's acrobats birthday in 13 days. Oh my gosh one year ago I was in the most lengthy, frustrating stage of latent labour ever.

I'm still NC with Twunt and it WILL stay that way. I am so much better than him and he has lost me forever now. And I will not fall for charmers in the future. I want to teach my daughter and my sons what a real relationship means and not set a bad example.

I need someone to hold my hand. I so want to cut myself. This is so bad. I need the pain outside of me. But I'm alone in the house with the children.

Let it wash over you. The pain can't hurt you - think about it: this is the worst you will ever feel, and you have endured it and in a while you will feel okay again. You are strong, you are able. Pain is only pain.

It helped me so much to learn this. Pain is only pain.

Here to hold a hand.

You've been through much worse Waves. Things will get better if you continue with NC with twunt. He doesn't even justify a capital letter.

Think of the good times, the fun with all of your dcs as they grow up.

No more talk of your ex. It is boring and pointless.

He is a nonentity who is unimportant.

I want to hear all about your children and your roller skates. Click buy. FFS you have given birth and in my back that = you can do anything.

I can control the urge to cut as I know it doesn't help and will hurt.

eaves - you are strong enough and care enough about your well-being NOT to cut yourself. Go and look at your sleeping children and then go to bed.

I just don't think I can justify not working this week if I'm just feeling so awful. Surely I have to prove how dreadful things are

At this moment in time don't think about work, think about your 3 wonderful amazing kids, go watch them sleep, give them a kiss and then get yourself to bed. You see the GP tomorrow tell him/her what you're telling us, get support in place. He can sign you off for a few weeks and you can start the summer holidays with c's birthday and roller skates. Please don't harm yourself.

I need someone to hold me. The razors are shitty blunt and I just have dribbles of blood. This is not how things were meant to be!!!

De lurking to wish you well.
Re the cutting... This has really helped a friend on mine. It's called the Butterfly Project. From the site, here www.recoveryourlife.com/index.php?categoryid=148
"The idea is simple. The self-harmer simply draws a butterfly on their place(s) of self-harm and, if the butterfly fades without them self-harming, it means it has lived and flown away, giving them a sense of achievement."

It seems even the act of drawing a butterfly helps distract. I truly hope it works for you.

And all that's in my head over and over and over. Daddy why aren't I enough for you. Please love me. And he's dead and never will.