Does anyone remember? Things are pretty crummy now

[wavesandsmiles]

Links to earlier posts

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1813521-Waves-is-determined-to-keep-winning-now-that-Acrobat-has-arrived

My little acrobat is nearly one. This time last year his MN aunties were cheering him on. I've survived a year but things are tough. I have pnd which has been worsening, and was signed off work a couple of weeks ago.

My new job is very stressful but also Twunt continues to mess with my head. I cannot let go. He clicks his fingers and I'm like a bloody lap dog. I hate myself.

I'm not really eating anymore. I find it hard to smile. It feels like my children would really be better off without me.

Oh gosh, I don't want a reaction at all. The majority of advice seemed go NC and get access arranged via neutral ground or something. Shit. I just don't know what to do.

I will see if I can find someone prepared to do the handover up the road tomorrow

I'm in the Weymouth area and around early August - I've never met any MN-etters in the flesh before. Well, not knowingly!!

Waves you really are incredible. You have had some harsh words said to you but you still stay strong and come back to talk to us and you know you need help and we want to give it to you.

Bottom line, you are primary parent to Acrobat and it is about Acrobat's right to see his father. Not twathead's right to see the baby. He will kick off. Of course he will as you are asserting your choices and he will not like it. You must stay strong and you are doing the right thing because you are trying to protect yourself from more abuse.

Get the book and CD I can mend your broken heart from Paul McKenna but ime it has to be you that is making a conscious decision to no longer allow him to hurt you.

I second getting the neighbour or lodger to walk the baby out to him. That way his brats dc do not get the chance to trample into your house, and you stay out of his poisonous sphere.

Good for you. He willl of course kick off.

BTW I'd get a new SIM with a new number for just him to use, otherwise it would worry me that he couldn't contact you when he has C, if he needs to. Put it in when he has acrobat, and not otherwise.

Waves -- do not give him back his gifts and that 'motivational' garbage.

Take it out and burn it along with the order to show up and get married.

Take everything he gives you, both material and verbal/psychological/emotional and burn it all, literally and metaphorically.

When you give material things back you are engaging with him.

Engaging with him (on any level including giving back items he has given to you) means you are letting him know how much he is affecting you.

You need to make yourself mysterious.

Al he wants is engagement, which means he gets the indication from you that his 'gifts', 'lovenotes' and abusive speech have hit home. So don't give him feedback.

And yes -- glad you are making progress on getting a third party to do the handover.

Better that than the text denying him access -- I agree this is just going to get a reaction from him.

Next time you are planning some change that is good for you and will mean far less hurt for you on an ongoing basis, don't tell him about it until you have made the arrangement.

The third party/contact centre ideas are great -- but don't tell him about it all until you have got it arranged.

Get a third party to do the handover this time and then work on arranging a contact centre and formalising the setup where there will be neutral ground and witnesses to future handovers.

Wrt going NC right away -- I am not sure if this is feasible when you still have no formal contact centre or permanent third party handover arrangement in place.

I would say going NC is step two of the plan here.

In the meantime what I would advise is to change how you react and respond to what he says when he contacts you. You don't owe him an instant reaction to everything he says ans orders:

To any demand -- 'I will think about that and reply within 48 hours'

To any insult or accusation or other verbal baloney -- 'I'm sorry you feel that way'

This whole business took a long time to build and it is going to take patience and time and small steps to tear it down. You are not going to be able to wave a wand and get the complete result you want, immediately. It's going to take patience and discipline on your part.

All sorted for tomorrow with a neutral person to do the handover in a car park nearby....

I guess I need to plan a long game!

Acrobat is sleeping and I'm seriously tempted to make use of my Workaway volunteer and pop out for a quiet glass of wine and reflect on what has happened and what I want my future, and my family's future, to be

Do.

One suggestion: while reflecting, think back to something you wanted very much when you were a girl. Not an idea but something specific.

Take steps to get that thing or experience for yourself and your children sometime soon. Maybe tomorrow if it's something you can do quite easily, maybe over the summer holidays if it'll take a bit more planning.

But tonight, have a celebratory drink and do reflect on what a momentous day it is, how from now on no one is going to steal your contentment.

Do it, Waves. Treat yourself to a little 'me' time. You are always rushing, rushing, rushing and a moment of calm will do you the world of good.

I hope you did pop out for a glass of wine and some time to yourself.

It's great that you have organised the pick up to be done by someone neutral. Did you manage to look into contact centres near you? It would be a huge thing less to worry about, and allow you to move forward without the constant tugging back by ex.

Acrobat should be being handed over right about now.... Hoping it goes ok.

I went for a drink last night, it was nice to just have me time although I think alcohol and anti depressants don't mix too well. Stupid tiny place that I live in though, saw Twunt out the corner of my eye in the same place. I studiously ignored and decided that I know what I am going to do for me..... Roller skates!!!!

Yes, roller skates. I was never allowed them so I am going to get myself a pair and also for DS1 and DD. no idea how I will learn but somehow we will.

I'm being a music mum today. Some teaching now and then playing for a wedding. Someone elses happy ever after.

Hi Waves, have thought of you often. It was this time last year that you had your live birth thread wasn't it?

Chin up. You have such amazing strength. Interesting thinking about the fairy tale endings and how it has such a grip over you. I wonder does being involved in the wedding industry reinforce that for you?

I'm glad you have had a clean out, but agree with all the others about getting rid of the rest of the shite he has given you. Don't give it back to him, and I'm not even sure that symbolically burning them is a good idea. It still attaches power to them, and by association, to him. Just chuck them in the bin or send to charity as the meaningless objects they are.

Last year you talked about moving away. Is that something that still appeals to you?

Well done waves, that's progress already re: seeing YKW (you know who) and not letting him into your bubble.

Roller skating will be an awesome way to treat yourself and also to build even more happy memories for you and your kiddies.

It's not a good day. I've been feeling completely overwhelmed with emotion and wanting to hide in bed but unable to because of the DCs. Read an article about a woman who committed suicide whilst diagnosed with pnd and my thought was "lucky her".

I threw all the stuff out, clothes, cheap jewellery, that bloody awful picture, a sandwich box, a travel cup, photos, the old marry me note. I kept a couple of pairs of the shoes cos they are really nice.

I know he is a total prick. I know I'm upset about the stupid fairy tale that never happened. I bet he's been laughing behind my back for months. And of course like being hit by a thunderbolt, I realised that the time he decided it realy was finally over and didn't love me (although still happy to sleep with me), was when I said I was cancelling the holiday I had put a deposit on as I wasn't going to be treated like an idiot.

So he was hanging around, treating me like utter shit, basically because I was buying loads of stuff. Wanker.

I am angry just writing this down.

I'm so sad for my baby Acrobat. Twunt is a completely shit father who makes out like he's the worlds best because he spoils his elder sons, does what they want all the time, encourages them to be loud and rude and demanding and is raising them to have zero respect for women. I so hope my Acrobat doesn't end up like that. He is the most beautiful, precious, loving, happy little baby. I don't want him poisoned by Twunt and his half brothers.

It worries me so much it physically hurts. I want to not be feeling like this. I ache.

Can you not move away? Im sorry youre so sad x

waves - I was so impressed by how positive you sounded yesterday but recovering from the breakdown of a relationship (and depression and many other things) is often a case of two steps forward, one step back. It is probably a good thing that you are feeling angry (at long last) about the way he has behaved rather than guilty and inadequate.

I don't think Acrobat will turn out like Twunt's other sons because he has you and his lovely brother and sister as his main influences. I don't know how practical a move might be but is it worth looking into it or at least find out if it is possible without getting permission from Twunt?

Please stop fantasising about suicide being a way out - you know it is no solution. It's only a couple more hours before things start winding down for your children's bedtime - if all else fails, just put a DVD on and watch it together. Once they're asleep you can get some rest too. I hope you feel better tomorrow - it has been a very big weekend.

Little Acrobat won't be around his DF or blood relatives all the time. As he grows up he'll spend more time with others and become ware of alternative ways to be. His mum and other half siblings and normal playmates and adult acquaintances will provide plentiful good examples and decent role models. So the longer you are around to raise him in a loving family the better.

Right you need to think this suicide thing through! If you do this then Twunt and his obnoxious boys are acrobats next of kin, then he will have no choice but to live with them and probably will turn out like them. But if you keep strong remember what an asshole his dad is and show him and your other two what a good happy family life is then chances are the wonderful kind little boy he is now will turn into a well rounded kind caring man. But only with your help and presence will this happen.

Please go see your GP and talk about these feelings, explore again ways to leave the island to get a fresh start, can you move nearer your sister ? Please get help you're worrying me.

Hang on. No need to feel down. You have made HUGE progress. You have got rid of all his crap and you are realising once again what a dick he is.

Your children are the loveliest and are so lucky to have you as a mum. I understand the wanting to die. I have been there. But I also knew deep down that it was the pain I wanted to stop, not the living.

Baby steps and regain control of your life, your home and your baby.

AuntP is right, waves. If you do go through with it and end your life, who will have custody of Acrobat? ExTwunt-Bastard, that's who. Him and his obnoxious dc will delight in turning him into another one like them - can you imagine your beautiful C being like him? Acting like him?

And what about the others, ds and dd? Who would look after them? your mother? Or would they be taken into care?

I really don't think you would be so selfish to your children, I really don't. C Is gorgeous, a beautiful boy. Your others are lovely too, a real credit to you.

I'm so glad you chucked all his crap - don't append any importance to stuff he's given you. He is more interested in what you can give him - holidays, sex, what else? You sound angry - GOOD!

You were thinking of moving to Scotland - that would be far enough away!

I know you don't really want to die, waves. You want some peace from the pain and the anxiety and the regret. But pain is only pain. You can learn to let it wash over you, process it and come out of it okay. Living in the moment makes it a lot easier. Much of what becomes overwhelming in life is mixed up with regretting things that we cannot change or fearing things we do not yet know. If you and your children are ok right now, this minute, this hour, then everything is ok.

Wrap yourself up in that bubble with your children and look again at the haven you are creating. And go get those roller skates!

He was treating you like shit because he is a rotten man.

Not because of anything you did or didn't do.

He will treat every women he gets involved with this way. You see his sons heading that way.

The way he treats women says nothing about the women. It speaks volumes about him.

Yes, all the women he has a relationship with are going to feel stupid, humiliated, and shitty eventually.

You would feel sick if you ate nothing but cheeseburgers for a week. Doesn't mean there is anything fundamentally wrong with your digestive system.