I just cannot find my 'people' anywhere.

[mymoonandstars]

I suppose I should just write it as it comes out.

I have lots of friends. I have quite a good social life that if I wanted to take a more active role in, I could. But I just always feel on the fringes of friendships, the friend you always forget was there the time that funny thing happened. People talk over me. Someone will say something I just said and it will raise a laugh where as mine just fell flat. I have just returned from a night out where I felt like the most isolated person in the entire world. The things I like and enjoy are considered eccentric by the mainstream (alternative music, I don't watch television, I read ALOT) and I suppose I am essentially an introvert who would still like to 'get out there' but at times I just need to rest my soul.

I dont think I will ever find friends I can totally be myself with without at least some degree of checking myself. Anyone out there with any advice or who have similar feelings? I would be really happy to talk.

get at

i can't gossip, this is why most of my friends are male engineers (as i have offended and alienated most of my atempts to make female friends), i have found some great guys who love discussing ideas. they join in/ listen to my philosophy ramblings(my current "thing") i listen polietly whilst they discuss physics until we get to the philosophy end (why is the universe accelerating?) i have just as much idea as any physisits from what I have heard so feel free to join in those conversations.

But this is easier myself being one myself, so i can also join in when they discuss work.

I think common interests in friendships isn't essential. I have many friends with whom I share not one single interest, but I like them, and find them funny, or whatever. Of course sometimes it is lovely to have a friend to talk to who completely "gets" you and is enthusiastic about the things you like, but the "gets you" thing can happen in the most unlikely friendships, and you only need one or two people who also love the music you do, or whatever. So look out for people you think are interesting, or funny, or kind, and don't focus too much on common interests.

AREN'T essential, sorry!

Helly it isn't essential but having no one you can discuss the things that really fire you up is as dull as dishwater.

Well I don't find my mates as dull as dishwater! I find them really interesting, and yet hardly any of them have any knowledge at all of the things that I am particularly keen on.

not those mates but life, i love discussing my passions with people who aren't bored or confused/lost.
And it seems Temps is the same or she wouldn't have raised the issue that she misses it.
Can i just end this discussion with "amazing how different we all are"

I can identify with this a lot. I have moved, and so have a lot of friends, so they are all in different places. I am now a lone parent, and I have an odd mix of politics/interests and hobbies and musical tastes, and am a bit shy/socially awkward and softly spoken unless I make a real effort to project, then feel like I'm shouting! This always leaves me feeling on the fringes of social groups. I think the biggest thing which sets me apart from other mums/women I know is being a lone working parent. My dd (14) has a huge group of friends and feels sorry for me not having a bestie or a group of real friends nearby.
Not sure I can offer you any solution, just some sympathy/empathy!

"...geeky things like computer games, board games and RPGs..."

Playing board games, I think, is essential to any good relationship. It's quite an intimate pastime, especially at night, in a caravan in the middle of nowhere while it's raining outside...

I totally get what you are saying, although your taste in music is less niche than mine

I recently when to a meeting to arrange a school event - when they all started gushing on about fancying Gary Barlow having Take That albums I did have an "I feel like an alien" moment! ! I've never watched Strictly, hate Corrie and Eastenders and am nonplussed when I see "celebrity" type things as I dont have a f*cking clue who they are 90% of the time.

I have come to realise that to an extent it is me that keeps people at arms length and now feel id rather have 1 or 2 good friends than be part of that "just for the sake of it" mummy clique

I have a good friend with no children who likes the same music as me. Another who is much more academic than me but we have the children in common, both like grimm/true blood and reading. Maybe some times what you don't have in common is more obvious than what you do - I'm glad I gave both friendships a chance as I now realise we do have common ground.

Groups of people are a nightmare anyway - its always the gobby Queen bee types who demand the most attention! !

I'm so glad I found this thread! I shan't bother posting my situation/s/feelings as they have all been covered..

Thank you all for making me feel 'normal'

I don't like board games but dh is really into them. He accuses me of taking an 'extreme' stance in saying I won't play them!

I can relate to your meeting experience Sunny, the number of times I've killed a conversation with "I don't watch EE/Strictly" etc. I do love Corrie though.

Just read most of this thread which is really interesting.

OP, loads of people like indie music etc etc, that's not the reason they are ignoring you. Don't worry about why they do, just find people who don't.

Ladyfoxglove, totally valid point about people who pick an idea you have and then claim it as their own and take it elsewhere. I think something has happened to social etiquette for people to think that's OK. It would never be accepted professionally. There are a lot of quasi abusive behaviours going on that I didn't see years ago, when people just either go on or didn't. The Wendy thread is interesting.

Garlic, I look forward to hearing about your project but going into a closed isolated community to record their lives is not going to endear yourself to anyone. When you wake up and find a mark on your door, be prepared to head for the hills. You are preparing yourself to get burned at the stake.

Although I do quite fancy a David Attenborough style documentary on the rare species of modern village dweller, with cameras set up at the watering hole, perhaps microchipping them will help to find out what they get up to at night.

And my rule of thumb is if people can't belly laugh with you they will never be your friend. When you say something amusing and people smile vacantly, or think you're having a dig at them, walk away. Friendship has nothing to do with interests and hobbies, it's far deeper.

First post, so here goes..... Potted history. Didn't belong to a clique at school, had a small group of friends at college and uni, then was dropped into the mysterious social world of being an officer's wife. Having survived 9 years of that, landed in a part of the county I didn't know with small children and a travel a lot husband. I've discovered that your best friend when you have small children, has no time for you once they go to school and that, yet again, I don't click with large social groups of women. (Who look at me strangely when I make a "humorous" comment). So over the (many) years, I have begun to enjoy my own company, I quilt, make bags, embroider, and don't apologize for myself. I can make my fancy laugh, and don't think I'm weird, so that's enough for me. What I did find was a group of friends who share my sense of humour and I socialise with, but that is another story!!!

I think what I am trying to say, is accept yourself and don't apologise for who you are. Technically, it's other people's problems if they don't "get" you, are they trying to change to accommodate you? I think not!!

agree on board games being intimate.

that's given me fond memories of endless hugely competitive laughing games of backgammon with a brazilian boyfriend on the balcony at night.

You are preparing yourself to get burned at the stake.

I fear you might be right, Unreal! Gotta say, though, there's nothing to lose. Last week I found out I'm having an affair with a married man I have met once, for four hours, in a group. The rumour didn't even come from him, but a woman I don't know at all

Looks like I'm in for a burning whatever I do ...

oh garlic it ALWAYS happens. if people don't 'get' you, or your different or you don't display your dirty washing out there then they need to create something it seems.

i lived in a small community overseas for a while and went off the radar for a bit because i socialised with locals and people passing through rather than just hanging with the ex pat prescriptive community. i found out that allegedly i was a prostitute sleeping with local muslim men h'ok.

People gossip about others, because it helps stop people gossiping about them. Plus certain types of people like to think they are the centre of it all and know everything.

Oh dear Garlic, I can't believe you fell for a married man, what with your finely honed judgement of character and ability to spot a fraud at a thousand paces.

Never mind it will probably all come out now, the gossip and the histories, the jealousies and the skeletons in the cupboards. You have the perfect vehicle to get at the truth behind those twitching curtains. Just make sure you get it all on your wildlife camera or at least make copious notes for the potentially forthcoming radio drama/creative project.

Funny how country people always say they don't like coming to London, I find the thought of rural village life fairly terrifying. I'd rather get accosted by the odd alcoholic dosser or pickpocket than deal with the possibility of having to justify every trip to the shops to everyone you meet.

people can't abide a vacuum ime. if you are bit of a blank slate they need to plaster a false story on it.

plenty of alcoholic dosser's n the country unreal - mostly they've never moved out of mummy's house here though so they don't have to resort to park benches or pickpocketting.

Good point, Unreal, maybe I should have an affair - or become a prostitute like HoneyBadger - just so I'll fit in some sort of recognised slot locally!

I've got it ... I'll start an alcoholics' backgammon club Blimey, I miss London.

Following this with great interest. Nothing groundbreaking to add, however.

Just came back to this and realised it looks as though I'm saying HB's a prostitute! No!! Some words missing there

Garlic if you're going to do a (possibly) secret anthropological study you'll need a story to put them off the scent.

You are in a privileged position out there, make the most of it. In London nobody cares whether you're an alcoholic prostitute having affairs, even if you're into indie music, reading and witchcraft as well. Believe me I've tried and nobody notices.

Sorry to go off on a tangent OP :)

You're not wrong ... I've been cultivating my "must be something creative" image for some time I don't think I can be doing it right, though. The town's full of idiosyncratic people - which is what I want to document, although history's my cover story - and I might not be coming off as all that strange by local standards!