I just cannot find my 'people' anywhere.

[mymoonandstars]

I suppose I should just write it as it comes out.

I have lots of friends. I have quite a good social life that if I wanted to take a more active role in, I could. But I just always feel on the fringes of friendships, the friend you always forget was there the time that funny thing happened. People talk over me. Someone will say something I just said and it will raise a laugh where as mine just fell flat. I have just returned from a night out where I felt like the most isolated person in the entire world. The things I like and enjoy are considered eccentric by the mainstream (alternative music, I don't watch television, I read ALOT) and I suppose I am essentially an introvert who would still like to 'get out there' but at times I just need to rest my soul.

I dont think I will ever find friends I can totally be myself with without at least some degree of checking myself. Anyone out there with any advice or who have similar feelings? I would be really happy to talk.

[mymoonandstars]

I am perfectly happy having friends that have different interests, as long as they engage with me about mine. Hey, I'd be glad to feel like anyone was actually listening to me without that look in their eyes that says "I cannot relate to what she's saying at all" and the quick getaway/awkwardness that comes after. This doesn't always happen of course, I have plenty of friends. I just feel like there is still always a part if myself that's held back. I certainly don't think my interests are better than anyone else's, if someone wants to talk to me about anything I try my best to engage and take the time to listen and I really care. But I just never get that back. Or I feel I don't.

Thankyou all for your stories, they have really helped me to realise that others do feel the same. I guess I do have "people", I just have to find them! Mass mumsnet meet up perhaps?!

[mymoonandstars]

flappityfanjos you are right, it feels exactly the same as being the weird kid at school! And honeybadger I will definitely think on the idea that's it's just a stage of life I'm not compatible with. That's a lovely way of looking at it, thankyou :)

[TheHoneyBadger]

i think some people slot into 'being' a role so can form their identity and friendships around 'being a mum' or such and are satisified with connections on that level and uncomfortable with people who don't obey that kind of shallow level of social interaction and the unwritten rules of it. i don't have a type of person i like as in interests or social class or educaiton level or whatever - i just like people who are themselves and individuals and resist that whole category performance thing. they're rarer than i expected especially at this stage when so many fall into mummy identity.

[TheHoneyBadger]

afterthought - think about the so called 'empy nest syndrome' - if so many didn't form their whole identity around being a mother it wouldn't exist.

[flappityfanjos]

I think it's less about having exactly the same interests, and more about finding people who can relate to the fact that you even have the interest.

One of DD's friends has a mum who doesn't get why I still spend money on my weird hobbies even though I have kids. The mum identity thing is right, I think. That's where she gets her satisfaction, and to fill her spare time she consumes whatever media is in front of her right then - whichever general-interest magazine she walks past in the shop, whatever's on the telly that night. She doesn't seek out things that grab her because she doesn't need to, she's happy with the most easily-accessible entertainment. That's FINE, it doesn't make me better than her (she achieves more than I do from day to day, spends a lot less money and her work ethic is second to none), but we struggle to relate because the things that get me all fired up aren't even on her radar, and vice versa - I can't get my head around the deep contentment she gets from her life. So we're acquaintances but we're never going to be close.

It's finding people who think like you do, even if they don't think about exactly the same stuff.

[mymoonandstars]

^ Nail. Head.

[GarlicJunoWho]

I'm essentially a loner. Which is a pain in the arse, because I'm extremely sociable and never happier than when surrounded by congenial people ... the trouble comes from my idea of congenial A few times, I've landed in situations where a whole group of us just clicked - these arose from work or neighbourhood. Some people never get this once in a lifetime; I think I'm fortunate.

The rest of the time, like now, I'm a loner. I recognise that the vast majority of friendships are superficial, and scatter myself lightly around short-lived, shallow relationships. My most meaningful friendships are internet based. Thank fuck for the internet.

Identities aren't fixed, you know, not really. You can try on a few different personas for size, if you feel like it, expand your horizons if you'd prefer to, or simply muddle through with an open mind :)

[GarlicJunoWho]

It's finding people who think like you do, even if they don't think about exactly the same stuff.

YYYYYYYYY!

[KouignAmann]

I drift around the edge of the friend group joining in when I feel like it but also belonging to a couple of other groups of friends from other hobbies. I like my friends but I don't want them to be my only social life IYSWIM. I think I have a low boredom threshold so after hearing all the news and catching up I tend to drift off again to see someone else. I quite like being on my own when I am shopping or doing errands rather than going to town as a social outing whereas my friends spend all day out as a treat. I think I don't really NEED friends much, whereas some of my friends won't go to a restaurant or travel anywhere without a companion.
If I want to see someone I would rather have a one to one and hear about things that matter to them than go with a group of shrieking women on a night out. And I only just realised that reading this thread!

The main thing seems to be to be comfortable with who you are OP. Do you worry that the group sees you as boring? Or that you are invisible?
I suspect my friends see me as a bit fickle whereas I just don't feel tied to one group all the time.

[dimsum123]

I LOVE your thread title. I'm the same. I can't find anyone else like me either. I most definately don't fit in with any of the various groups of mums at school. I don't work (want to but can't find a job) and don't really have any hobbies/interests that involve other people.

It makes me feel really lonely/isolated/an outsider. But I've felt like that all my life, even within my family, at school/college/uni. Other people seem to sense that I'm somehow different and keep their distance.

I do have a few close friends from uni but we don't have much in common these days ie none of them are married with DC's so have different issues from me.

I think i will just have to get used to being lonely. I meet lots of people who become aquaintances but not friends.

[Tanacot]

You sound like you need an internet fandom, tbh. I think there's a split where some people like friends of place and time - the sort of people that chat about their news or where they went last week and so on - and some people really prefer topic based friendships, where you share a hobby or interest and discuss that. If you end up in a group that's very small-talk dominant and you're more the other way it gets very boring for everyone, I think.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

I am not really a topic-based person, though I know lots of people who are and they love their internet fandom groups and some have even met partners on them.

I kind of know what you mean and kind of don't. If you exclude yourself to only people who like a certain type of music and think similarly to yourself, you will be quite lonely. My friends are not all like me, in fact, what is striking is that they aren't- I have friends who don't have children, are older or friends with older children at a different life stage than my own.

I quickly realised bonding over motherhood wasn't going to work for me, although I am always happy to chat about my friend's children and take an interest in their lives. I tend to end up with friends who are interesting, but this friendship could take ages to develop, sometimes it's only when you get to spend a lot of time with someone, for work, on a committee that you realise you might click (or you just do click and end up spending more time together).

I also know I'm not really a group person. I was part of gangs/groups when I was younger/university/twenties, but now it doesn't suit me so much, I don't always fit with the prevailing female thing going on, and I can't be arsed to go out and not be myself. I'd rather see one good friend for a coffee once a month than be out once a week with a gang of mums- especially as I once felt quite excluded from such a group and vowed I'd never be that desperate for friends again.

There are so many interesting people out there, but I think you need to change the dynamic a bit so you can be yourself, otherwise I can see how socializing could feel quite hollow.

[skolastica]

Can relate. Definitely.

Particularly on the 'checking myself' front. For me, holding back a bit of my personality because I know it won't be seen/heard/appreciated. I do this a lot.

I'm 49 and a thinker, and quite lonely, so I've been thinking about this.

I live in a small community, I know I'm liked and not unpopular, but I don't have a social life whereas others around me do.

This has been the trigger for bucketfuls of tears.

All the thinking that I have done has led me to the conclusion that I'm a really strong person, and I'm not a follower - but neither am I an obvious leader because I'm quiet and an introvert. The social groups that I am on the edge of are full of sycophants or people who play to an audience.

Basically, I want more substance from 'my 'people'. I don't enjoy the company of sycophants.

One of my closest friends is a man who is a natural leader, and he occupies this postion easily. In a conversation recently, even he admitted to keeping his personality in check - 'because other people just don't get it.' I was surprised, I thought he'd got it sorted.

I would suggest that you're obviously neither a follower or a sycophant, and that your leadership style - like mine - is undeveloped.

[CeliaFate]

In your case I would avoid group get togethers (or understand that I would come away feeling dissatisfied) and I would concentrate on outings 1:1 with someone.
Would that work for you?

[eddielizzard]

well i have a theory.

because i'm one of these people too. so i'm testing out my theory and it does seem to change things.

my theory is that if you check yourself, other people know you are and they don't feel comfortable with you.

i find myself editing myself because i think that people won't get my sense of humour or will think my hobbies are weird and stupid. my new year's resolution this year is to work on my self confidence. so i've stopped editing myself and started being more open about my weirdness and not being ashamed of it. just much more 'this is me, take me or leave me.'

i've had more success this way and feel more comfortable about myself.

i don't think it's as simple as all this, but i do think it's helping me.

[springydaffs]

Brilliant post, eddie.

I'm wondering if the 'connection' we're all looking for is actually quite a luxury in a way. That said, I've had it when I've worked intensely with a group on a project - we all kind of love one another by the end of it; and what could have been barriers disappear, are irrelevant.

Perhaps we could drop the 'nobody gets me' thing and see what happens. I'm sure everybody else wants to be 'got', too.

[JubileeStreet]

I hardly ever post on here, but feel driven to do so by this post. I feel the same way too and have been reflecting on it a lot lately. I've felt like this ever since I moved to a village/having children 6 years ago. So glad to hear it is not just me. Was starting to feel I was going crazy.

Thanks for a great post, and Eddie -that is great advice, and I am coming to a similar realisation myself. I think it is probably a personality type - we are alternative/different but also lack to confidence with this, and want to fit in, which leads to all sorts of anxieties. I personally admire really quirky people who are very upfront with their views/unafraid to crictise openly the mainstream; but at the same time don't feel able to do that myself. It is an odd place to be. But As Eddie says, the key I think is to stop worrying about fitting in/upsetting people, and just be yourself.

[Earlybird]

I'm here to join the club - what shall we call ourselves?

I've feel this regularly, but especially keenly this week. I'm single, work from home (flexible, but isolating), and am mum to a dd who is now away for 2 weeks. Several years ago, I moved 'back home' for work and family support (which has turned out to be nonexistent).

Like many of you, I've got dear friends scattered many miles (and time zones) away. Here, I am an oddball. I think I am perceived as interesting, quirky, relatively intelligent - but I am a fish out of water.

Without dd (and her activities) to focus time on, I see just how little success I have had in establishing myself here. I've made calls/some plans in an attempt to socialise a bit while dd is away with limited success. I have just come back from doing a few errands. It was the first time I have left the house in 3 days. The phone has not rung. I've left voicemails for people that I know will eventually call back, but everyone is busy with their own lives.

The quiet house has been a wakeup call. I need to do things differently for myself. But I'm not sure what, or how. The solution is not to spend hours on Mumsnet (as I have been doing - have posted more over the past few days than I have in months, if not years!).

OP - there are lots of us out there in this big world who are like you. Not rejected, but not embraced either. Thanks for giving us a thread to talk about it.

[alphabook]

I can also relate to this. I'm an introvert, and I feel like I have a lot of acquaintances and not many friends. I'm always on the fringes of any social group, and I'm always "editing" myself so I don't seem like an oddball (even though I'm probably not really that alternative or eccentric). I wish I could just say "fuck it, this is me, take it or leave it."

[Catrin]

I am one of you also!

I am, as a pp eloquently posted, as 'sociable loner'. I like company, but on my own terms. Since separating, I am realising how little was 'my' social life and how much was 'ours' - the couples tend to fall away once you are the singleton, not from any other reason than a 'Shall we invite Janet and John for dinner?' is a more appealing joint prospect than "Shall we invite Janet, even though you (DH) will have no man company and Janet has no childcare so can't come anyway?"

My social life pre dd was great. Since, totally different, but even so, still to my liking. I CRAVE isolation. I am better alone. I adore my dd, but alone is lovely. But then I feel the need to go out and i can't quite find my niche... the people who know my (irritating) idiosyncrasies are scattered, the new people are very nice, but not quite... me. But now, the ones who knew me are morphing into people I don't know so well anymore. I don't think maybe I know who I am anymore.

Apologies for essay! This has been on my mind earlier.

[velouria]

I totally understand what you mean. The only place I have even come close to meeting "my people" is an online game, can chat to people no end there, but that I suppose is because we all have a uniting interest.

Think I have given upon ever finding a person who enjoys the same things as me, even finding someone remotely on the same wavelegth is an achievement.

[TheHoneyBadger]

earlybird - you sound like me - single mother, work from home, moved back to near where i came from when my son was little and have felt quite isolated since.

i think my singleness puts a lot of people off and maybe my independence and choosing to do some things differently. the few 'mum' acquaintances i'd built up seem to give me a wide berth now that i've taken ds out of school to home ed. i think in communities people like to know who/what you are as in what box they can fit you in and if you don't fit neatly in a box it's as if that makes people wary somehow. maybe there is a box we fit. lol maybe there's a misfit box out there somewhere.

i'm a bit surprised by the married people saying they're lonely. does it put a strain on your marriage/relationship to feel short of 'people'?

on the rare occasion i go into town and see a big group of people, say for a friend's birthday, people seem really happy to see me and say it's been ages and seem to enjoy my company and genuinely like me but wouldn't actually call me to arrange to go out and i wouldn't feel comfortable to call them. they're sort of my crowd from when i was late teens, 20, 21 before i went off traveling and living in different places and going to unis and stuff.

many stayed in this town and continued having the kind of friendships we had i guess of seeing each other via going to the same places and gigs and birthdays and stuff. when i moved back i felt weirdly isolated as in knowing lots of people but not having people i could just call up and say let's do something or people i felt comfy to just pop round to or to pop round to mine. later i moved out of town and that was the death of that really though as i say the rare occasion i go out it's all honeyb we haven't seen you for ages la la la.

does anyone know full well that for as long as they live where they are there's no real chance of meeting people you'll have much in common with? i think realistically when the full on stage of motherhood is over i'm going to have to look at restarting my life or something - don't really want to turn into the little old lady who walks to the shop every day for her few bits and an excuse to get out of the house and say hello to someone.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

[Cooroo]

I wonder if we all meet up, whether we would feel the same lack of ease, or if knowing everyone had similar anxieties/difficulties making close friendships would make a difference?! I feel so comfortable with internet friendships but sometimes when I've met someone IRL it's been faintly uncomfortable.

[sweetboysmum]

I found that over the years I've went from loving big group get togethers, to much preferring one to one time.

I do both though, as we socialise with groups of couples sometimes. With the big couple nights I have a great time, BUT I'm not showing all of my colours with all of the people there.

I do agree with others though who say you wear different hats for different people. I do. i've just realised I've chosen friends that are all so different. None are particularly like me. I have to pick n choose depending on the situation/my mood/ their needs.

Perhaps this is more common as we age? At school and further education, we're all still finding ourselves and sharing many similar experiences with others. As we get older we have a mountain of memories/experiences and interests that vary widely and it's sort of harder to find a kindred spirit? I like that all of my friends are different from me and also each other.

I love for my own company though. I'm lucky I have my dh and ds, but wgt friendships I'd be happy to go for weeks without meeting anyone. Maybe I'm not the best person to offer advice!