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Original poster

I just cannot find my 'people' anywhere.

279 replies

mymoonandstars · 27/06/2014 23:43

I suppose I should just write it as it comes out.

I have lots of friends. I have quite a good social life that if I wanted to take a more active role in, I could. But I just always feel on the fringes of friendships, the friend you always forget was there the time that funny thing happened. People talk over me. Someone will say something I just said and it will raise a laugh where as mine just fell flat. I have just returned from a night out where I felt like the most isolated person in the entire world. The things I like and enjoy are considered eccentric by the mainstream (alternative music, I don't watch television, I read ALOT) and I suppose I am essentially an introvert who would still like to 'get out there' but at times I just need to rest my soul.

I dont think I will ever find friends I can totally be myself with without at least some degree of checking myself. Anyone out there with any advice or who have similar feelings? I would be really happy to talk.

OP posts:
ProfYaffle · 10/07/2014 09:44

Really?! Interesting there are so many INTJ's on this thread. I haven't read the profiles in any detail, what with being so sceptical and all .....

Has anyone seen the thread in chat 'Awkward situation, what would you do', I think the person the op's asking about should be directed to this thread!

bibliomania · 10/07/2014 09:49

not so much odd as for the refined palette

Sometimes I cheer myself up by comparing myself to a caper. You know, the type you eat with smoked salmon. A lot of people, perhaps most, aren't going to appreciate a caper. A caper doesn't fit the bill when you really want a cream doughnut.

But when you want a caper, when you've got that hunger in you - nothing else will do.

WhyBeHappyWhenYouCouldBeNormal · 10/07/2014 10:25

Oh hello my people! Here you are!

I've realised that I have to hide different parts of myself around different people, which does make me feel rather sad and lonely.

I just opened up a little bit to a friend I was getting on really well with, and she has now decided not to talk to me anymore

TheHoneyBadger · 10/07/2014 10:50

i go with caviar bibi. amazing the amount of people who go, errrr! in the face of something so delicious.

bibliomania · 10/07/2014 11:40

We're umami, Honey. Accept no substitutes.

ProfYaffle · 10/07/2014 14:50

"I just opened up a little bit to a friend I was getting on really well with, and she has now decided not to talk to me anymore"

That made me laugh! (And probably explains why no-one likes me!) I once had a 'friend' who disapproved of my cutlery and cut me out.

GarlicJulyKit · 10/07/2014 14:59

disapproved of my cutlery Confused Hmm Grin

Are your knives made from human femurs and your forks of snake fangs?

ProfYaffle · 10/07/2014 15:05

No, but they don't match. Friend was holding them up between finger and thumb with a face like this Shock. I pointed her in the direction of the matching ones but I never heard from her again.

MillyMolly99 · 10/07/2014 15:17

A few nights ago I realised that if something happened to DH, I would have no one. It was very scary, but I think I need to find it in myself to somehow make more of my acquaintances.

I said almost exactly the same thing further up-thread. I know it seems bizarre to go out and make more friends just in case your husband gets run over by a bus, but the thought of being widowed and being completely isolated is terrifying.

TheHoneyBadger · 11/07/2014 17:55

i'm pretty much already in the have no one camp being single. i went no contact with my family last year and that's a big step when you're aware of how little support you have in the world and are a single parent.

it is terrifying sometimes particularly if i look forward too far.

springydaffs · 11/07/2014 20:00

Ditto single and NC with family. Tbh in quite a crucial way I'm not quite sure what people mean when they are afraid of being alone, because this is my situ and has been for some time. When you actually face it and strip away the social pressure/shame of it it's not so bad at all. It is probably why my expectations are so low and I value the small things though! Perhaps it's like being rich: some people are but if you're not you make yourself miserable being envious or coveting their wealth. And of course there's the possibility of being rich, or richer, one day, and doing what you can to that end. I haven't been rich on the family front (and that does hurt) but I'm absolutely not going to waste my life wishing it were something else.

I'm also a christian so in that sense I don't believe I'm entirely alone (Sister Wendy is good on this, aloneness). Do I get on with christians? Have a guess.

Brightoncheery · 11/07/2014 21:13

Love this thread. Where did the OP go though?

GarlicJulyKit · 12/07/2014 02:52

Poor OP didn't find her 'people' here, either, perhaps! Thank you for the great thread, anyway, mymoon :)

TheHoneyBadger · 12/07/2014 08:31

we've been rejected by the OP Sad Grin

christians put me off christianity springy. reckon i'd have liked jesus though just not all the pharisee nonsense crowd who claim to follow him.

springydaffs · 12/07/2014 08:51

I'm with you there, honey. Mind, god and the church = different things, never the twain a lot of the time. It's a mystery tbf (at least to me).

Gawainsgirl · 12/07/2014 13:27

For what it's worth, I feel very much like the OP and "my people" up-post. This just reminded me of being at Uni. In Year One I lived in mixed halls and had the time of my life, having been at a posh/bitchy girls' school. Towards the end of Year 1 we were expected to form groups to get houses, but my parents gently encouraged me to stay in Halls, as they perceived that I wasn't great at close friendships. They were so right, and ironically my BFF came to live in the next room! It was the perfect solution, halls gave me privacy and company when I wanted.

Fast forward 18 years and beloved BFF is happily married mum 300 miles away, and I'm lonely singleton in London. 7 million people and I feel lonely - such a cliche!

Come back OP, we're here for you Wine

springydaffs · 12/07/2014 15:47

I expect she's on holiday getting brown - and hasn't rejected us at all!

LadyWithLapdog · 13/07/2014 11:37

Well, if there's anyone in London who wants to meet up in a pub so we can ignore each other and fiddle with our iPhones, let me know :)

janajos · 13/07/2014 11:43

I haven't read all of this thread, so apologies if this has already been said. I was once like this, and had a very gregarious mother who seemed to be so socially able (still is!) that I could never compete....

However, she once said to me that my 'shyness' was a sin (don't ask!!), when I indignantly asked why, she said I was thinking more about how others perceived me than putting them at ease. Actually, although the first comment was clearly ridiculous, what she went on to say made sense to me. I now, 20+ years on, don't feel like this, and have very good friends and a happy marriage. I still recharge by reading a book though, not in big groups!

Hope this helps a little.

WhyBeHappyWhenYouCouldBeNormal · 13/07/2014 11:52

LadyWithLapdog - I think you and my DH would get on really well. He only has an android phone though, would that be ok? I promise he wouldn't speak a word to you - other than an awkward hello when he sat down.

whatdoesittake48 · 13/07/2014 11:54

Help! Currently sitting all alone at daughters performance event trying to look engrossed in my phone. Ideas for integration accepted. ... indoor outdoor event with craft stalls. Only so much browsing you can do. Waiting for daughter to finish so I can take her for a burger from the bbq. Ho hum...

whatdoesittake48 · 13/07/2014 11:55

Put the phone away is no doubt the best thing. ...

GarlicJulyKit · 13/07/2014 12:02

Not really, Janajos, no. I'm unconvinced that diving into a conversation without 'listening' first, then telling the participants they're self-absorbed, is a desirable social skill.

If you find it helpful, though ...

TheHoneyBadger · 13/07/2014 12:06

Grin garlic

performance event sounds like hell, i wander around feeling awkward, smiling and start seriously craving a drink.

GarlicJulyKit · 13/07/2014 12:09

Grin What. It might be a start! My advice would be "make a pleasantly inane comment to someone standing nearby".