Pregnant and single :(

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Long story which I will try to condense as much as possible...I'm 38 and met a guy 4 months ago who is the same age. We met online and had an amazing first date which lasted 8 hours long. On the 2nd date we had another great time, but he told me he has a Visa for Australia. He was upfront and honest with me and said he plans to live there for good (he is from the UK) we said we would continue the relationship for the next 6 months before he leaves to see if it would blossom and then make a decision about whether he would stay and wait for me.

The next 3-4 months were great, a bit up and down whenever we brought up oz and naturally I was worried about getting in to deep emotionally if he would just up and leave at any stage. He instigated a lot of the relationship and dictated the speed etc, he took me away for a wonderful weekend, booked us a holiday away in the south of france. Was amazing. I fell in love with him pretty quickly, he was very attractive and had a great personality. He slowly introduced me to his close friends and brother (I didn't really introduce him to many of my close friends) according to his friend he hadnt done this before.

About 2 months into the relationship I confessed my feelings and told him I loved him, he said he wasnt sure if he was in love me yet. But continued the relationship anyway. About 3 weeks before we split up when I was about to break up with him because he wasn't being forthcoming with his plans for oz he told me he loved me. So I felt over the moon, was elated!

We had sex a number of times without protection, he knew I wasnt on birth control so seemed happy with taking the risk. We spoke about our desire to have kids all the time. He made it clear he wanted children and didn't seem phased that if he was to stay with me we would have to think about starting a family sooner rather than later (I made this clear to him when I first started dating him)

Anyway a week before we split up we visited his visa lawyer to discuss the possibility of us going to oz together in the future, after this he had a panic attack in the evening and broke up with me the next day.

Two days later I found out I was pregnant. I told him and it went down like a ton of bricks. He made it clear he doesn't want to be with me, said he shouldn't of told me he loved me as he doesn't love me, said he doesnt want this baby and asked me to have a termination.

I have decided to keep the baby and go it alone. I simply can't terminate at this age and I want the baby dearly. Though I would of preferred to be in a relationship!

I have a very supportive family and financially I will be fine.


The father is emotionally unstable so no idea what he will do. I truly suprised by his reaction as he went on about how much he wanted kids all the time and how he would make a great dad?! He spoke on holiday about what our kids would look like? I makes no sense whatsoever.

We are both from middle class families, his parents are both pyschologists (so I'm wondering if this is why he is so messed up?!) but I feel that I have been duped by a commitment phobe...

I own my own place, have pets etc. He lives in a flatshare with 5 other people, surfs and spends all his money travelling. He has never lived with a girl and the girls he has had relationships with he never loved. The only girl he properly loved he is still very close with 20 + years with, she lives in another country but they speak on skype all the time. It was unrequited love on his side, she isn't even aware that he loved her. He speaks about her fondly, thinks she is amazing and beautiful but it's very clear she isn't interested in him otherwise they would have got together years ago. Plus she is in a relationship with someone else. He sayd he no longer loves her...but I feel subconciously he still does.

He is seeking therapy now.

I think it's very sad this has happened. He has treated me terribly since I told him I was pregnant, he asked me to 'prove' my pregnancy by meeting him so he could do the test himself. Was utterly degrading and humiliating.

I have no idea what he will do now...maybe he will go to oz and leave us alone. Part of me hopes he will go. But another part of me would hope he wakes up to this and grows up. Deep down I know he desperatley wants a family and has a good heart, but he seems petrified/angry and feels I have trapped him.

Despite amazing support from friends and family, being pregnant for the first time and doing it on my own is lonely and daunting...

I'm only 6 weeks 4 days so still early days and I'm trying not to stress.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated? Do you think he will come around?


xx

[Matildathecat]

chaseface, how convenient that you have omitted the end of my sentence, which was 'especially if both partners were aware and keen to have children'.

I stand by that comment 100%. The OP came here to ask if there was any hope for the relationship, not for a lecture on her actions. It's totally clear that the man knew just as well as she did that pregnancy was likely to occur. She hasn't tricked him into anything. He is the one who has acted deceitfully in stating he wanted children. She hasn't asked him for money and doesn't intend to rely on state help.

It's interesting how much more blamed the OP is here than the man who has walked away. I for one have no issue with her behaviour but cannot say the same for him. However, it's now clear she is better off without him.

[yellowdinosauragain]

Well said matilda

[Cherryblossom200]

Thank you Matilda...you are right I only came on here for support and to see if there may of been any hope for reconciliation. Thing seem to be easily taken out of context and words twisted and turned into something I never said it meant. I almost feel like I'm back at school.

Matilda quick one, I did post in pregnancy but no one responded. I had a dating scan last week and everything was fine, but I noticed on the paperwork that it said the amniotic sac was not visible? What does that mean? Is that normal? I was 6 wk 3 days at the time.. I won't post anymore about my pregnancy on here, but I've googled it and can't find the answer? x

[unrealhousewife]

Hi, OP, sorry you are getting such a hard time on your first post. Try to pretend you haven't read them. You dint need to justify yourself to anyone. Also remember that a lot of people have really really horrible lives and it hurts them to see others happy or wealthy. Also some of them might be MRAs (men's rights activists).

In response to your post, yes he sounds fucked. But he is an will always be til the day you die, your child's father. He will want to take him camping at 3, go surfing with him at 7 and teach him to light a fire at 11. He will have a say in where you live, where he goes to school. Your child might get fed up with you at 14 and want to go and live with him in Oz. He will have every right to.

Be realistic about this future, if this involvement is what he wants this is what he will have a right to get. Even if he doesn't want it now he might want it in the future. It will always be at the back of your mind. Your child will want to know him sooner or later, he may or may not be reachable. How do you deal with that?

You need to explain this to your parents who won't understand the laws as they have changed significantly. Much as people are supportive, they leave the darker aspects of this pregnancy to you to face alone. They wont want to be negative. Great if they want to help now but when the child is 5 and ex is posturing about what school they go to they won't be much help.

Try to look at the worst case scenario realistically and then make your decision, what happens if there is an illness or tragedy? Etc

Remember it's very easy to get pregnant. You could freeze your eggs and wait for Someone else.

[unrealhousewife]

For the record my db had a child to someone with no strings attached. She lived in another country. I had to phone her recently, it took weeks to find her, to tell her her son's father had died. He is 14 and the fallout has been hugely damaging. They had rarely seen each other.

[unrealhousewife]

You are only 6 weeks gone OP...

[Gennz]

Hi Cherry

A friend of mine is in a similar situation to you - is 37 and pregnant to a guy who's a bit of a drifter, they've had an on-off relationship for years but never very serious. Like you she has a career & her own home. I don't think the relationship with the dad will work out, but she is delighted to be having a baby - I think she had accepted that she wouldn't be a mother, so even though the circumstances aren't ideal, she's over the moon. It's not such a bad place to be - at least if the relationship doesn't go the distance you're not reliant on the partner for a roof over your head or money.

From what you've said he doesn't sound like much of a keeper, but who knows. I hope it all goes very well for you regardless of how the relationship turns out.

[Cherryblossom200]

Thanks for your advice, don't worry it's something I have carefully considered. I know that in the future my son/daughter will want to know their father and I won't stand in their way. I'm hoping he will eventually want to be a father to them, that will be the best case scenario. But I'm also not counting on it. Terminating this pregnancy is not a option for me. If they will want to live with the father when they are older I can't stop them...though if course I hope this will never happen. My ex has a history of mental health issues so I'm not entirely sure he would be able to cope with a teenager! With regards to health, surely that would also be the case if me and the father were together? It would be devastating whether we were together or not together. But I do take on baked everything you say :) thanks for suh an informative and helpful post x

[Gennz]

Unreal, the OP's child will not have "every right" to go and live in Australia aged 14

[Cherryblossom200]

Sorry I'm writing on my phone so autocorrect is going a little crazy! I mean I take on board (not baked!) everything you said!

[Matildathecat]

Cherry, it's so early all you could hope for at scan is to see the heartbeat and take some very basic measurements. Now you need to eat well, rest well and let your little passenger get on with growing. Expect to feel tireder than you've ever felt and a bit all over the place.

Best wishes.

[unrealhousewife]

Also remember that most people don't announce a pregnancy until 12 weeks, for obvious reasons, so don't get too involved (probably the wrong word) just yet.

I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary trouble for the rest of your life.

A father with MH problems, psychologist parents, this could lead anywhere. It will also lose you any chance of finding the right father for your new family for the next year or so. He might be waiting around the next corner.

You got pregnant easily this time, it will happen again next time.

Also don't count on ex leaving the country, he will have a right to access and as a consequence right to remain in the uk. The more I think about it the more I think this is a very bad idea.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Sorry OP.
Usually we are a nice sensitive bunch on this board.
This post is more like it's from the AIBU board (which is great by the way).
Ignore the posters who are being rude and mean and concentrate on the ones who are being supportive.

Congrats on your preganancy.
You sound very savvy and you will be just fine.
Very pleased you have family to help and support you as well.

Good luck with it all.

[Cherryblossom200]

I'm just over 7 weeks and I am NOT having a termination. I am really can't believe people on here think they have a right to tell me what to do? I know you are trying to be supportive but really it's not helping me at all! I have made my decision!! I am NOT changing it! And yes it isn't an ideal situation, I'm not stupid! But I will deal with it. I would never try and tell a complete stranger what to do with their life, I thinks it's incredible?! Really I am in total disbelief.

[unrealhousewife]

To put this in perspective, the foetus is the size of a pea at 6 weeks, or a small tadpole.

[Cherryblossom200]

What is AIBU? x

[Cherryblossom200]

I DONT CARE!! It's my tadpole! Honestly you are disgusting telling me what to do! It's half me!!!!! Even if it's a tiny tadpole I love it. Please drop it now. I am not stupid I know what stage my pregnancy is at and what my baby looks like. Seriously, I'm starting to worry a bit about some of you guys on here....this is really terrible to be talked to in such a patronising, demeaning and insensitive manor, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

[Cherryblossom200]

Housewife, my family has encouraged me to keep the baby. You know nothing of my family situation!!!!!! Seriously DROP it.

[unrealhousewife]

Perhaps you need to have a look at the relationships threads Cherry, especially those where men try and assert access rights to remain in the country, or where they try to abduct their child to live abroad. Having a baby by this man will open your life (and your family's) up to all these possible scenarios.

[unrealhousewife]

Do your family understand the rights this man has when your pregnancy reaches childhood? As I said, people will only tell you what you want to hear, and judging by your reaction to my genuine advice you are not going to hear them if it's something you don't want to hear anyway.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Jut to clarify, if you had said you were 12 weeks I would be more reserved about my advice

[hellsbellsmelons]

Very FEW posters!