Pregnant and single :(

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Long story which I will try to condense as much as possible...I'm 38 and met a guy 4 months ago who is the same age. We met online and had an amazing first date which lasted 8 hours long. On the 2nd date we had another great time, but he told me he has a Visa for Australia. He was upfront and honest with me and said he plans to live there for good (he is from the UK) we said we would continue the relationship for the next 6 months before he leaves to see if it would blossom and then make a decision about whether he would stay and wait for me.

The next 3-4 months were great, a bit up and down whenever we brought up oz and naturally I was worried about getting in to deep emotionally if he would just up and leave at any stage. He instigated a lot of the relationship and dictated the speed etc, he took me away for a wonderful weekend, booked us a holiday away in the south of france. Was amazing. I fell in love with him pretty quickly, he was very attractive and had a great personality. He slowly introduced me to his close friends and brother (I didn't really introduce him to many of my close friends) according to his friend he hadnt done this before.

About 2 months into the relationship I confessed my feelings and told him I loved him, he said he wasnt sure if he was in love me yet. But continued the relationship anyway. About 3 weeks before we split up when I was about to break up with him because he wasn't being forthcoming with his plans for oz he told me he loved me. So I felt over the moon, was elated!

We had sex a number of times without protection, he knew I wasnt on birth control so seemed happy with taking the risk. We spoke about our desire to have kids all the time. He made it clear he wanted children and didn't seem phased that if he was to stay with me we would have to think about starting a family sooner rather than later (I made this clear to him when I first started dating him)

Anyway a week before we split up we visited his visa lawyer to discuss the possibility of us going to oz together in the future, after this he had a panic attack in the evening and broke up with me the next day.

Two days later I found out I was pregnant. I told him and it went down like a ton of bricks. He made it clear he doesn't want to be with me, said he shouldn't of told me he loved me as he doesn't love me, said he doesnt want this baby and asked me to have a termination.

I have decided to keep the baby and go it alone. I simply can't terminate at this age and I want the baby dearly. Though I would of preferred to be in a relationship!

I have a very supportive family and financially I will be fine.


The father is emotionally unstable so no idea what he will do. I truly suprised by his reaction as he went on about how much he wanted kids all the time and how he would make a great dad?! He spoke on holiday about what our kids would look like? I makes no sense whatsoever.

We are both from middle class families, his parents are both pyschologists (so I'm wondering if this is why he is so messed up?!) but I feel that I have been duped by a commitment phobe...

I own my own place, have pets etc. He lives in a flatshare with 5 other people, surfs and spends all his money travelling. He has never lived with a girl and the girls he has had relationships with he never loved. The only girl he properly loved he is still very close with 20 + years with, she lives in another country but they speak on skype all the time. It was unrequited love on his side, she isn't even aware that he loved her. He speaks about her fondly, thinks she is amazing and beautiful but it's very clear she isn't interested in him otherwise they would have got together years ago. Plus she is in a relationship with someone else. He sayd he no longer loves her...but I feel subconciously he still does.

He is seeking therapy now.

I think it's very sad this has happened. He has treated me terribly since I told him I was pregnant, he asked me to 'prove' my pregnancy by meeting him so he could do the test himself. Was utterly degrading and humiliating.

I have no idea what he will do now...maybe he will go to oz and leave us alone. Part of me hopes he will go. But another part of me would hope he wakes up to this and grows up. Deep down I know he desperatley wants a family and has a good heart, but he seems petrified/angry and feels I have trapped him.

Despite amazing support from friends and family, being pregnant for the first time and doing it on my own is lonely and daunting...

I'm only 6 weeks 4 days so still early days and I'm trying not to stress.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated? Do you think he will come around?


xx

[Cherryblossom200]

Firstly something I want to make VERY clear to you. I worked extremely hard to buy my property and have the lifestyle I have, I am not a trust fund child. I went to university and worked all my life! If I choose not to take state benefits, that is MY choice and none of your business.

Anyway, you have said your piece (some of which I still do believe was unnecessarily harsh) but please can you now leave it. I'm no longer interested in your opinions. Enough has been said already.

I have already admitted that I have been naive, I am well aware of that. But really is there any need to dig the knife in any further? Really is there?

I would really like to stay as a member on this forum to get some good advice and support for the up coming months/years so would now like to focus on that please.

Thank you to those who have been supportive :) you have been very kind xx

[Cherryblossom200]

I wonder, from reading your posts, whether your upbringing has perhaps protected you from some of the crappier aspects of life, and everything has just sort of worked out for you. In which case, this has probably come as a massive shock.

I don't know how to do links to people's comments so apologies, like I said I'm new on here! But the above comment by Folkgirl is utterly disgusting and I take great offence to! You know absolutley NOTHING about my life whatsoever, you have no idea what I have been through in the past. Please you are making yourself sound pretty damn stupid for making reckless comments about people's lives when you don't know them. I could very easily start making assumptions about your life from the way in which you post, but I don't really see any point in it - how will that help you? It won't it's futile, petty and pointless. It really says a lot about you as a human being.

[Itsfab]

Good luck. I hope everything works out and I look forward to your birth announcement.

I am sorry if you were upset my comments. Life is hard. Sometimes people can make it harder.

[SpandexBallet]

cherryblossom I just want to say congratulations!!
It must feel like a totally surreal situation to be in!

I've recently found out I'm pregnant totally unexpectedly and DP has been less then helpful (5 years together and still led with we should terminate)
We will be doing this together but only as long as he proves himself.

You sound like you will be fine without this mans help! And your family sound wonderfully supportive.

The only thing I would say is to try and keep some kind of contact with him should your son/daughter want to meet him at some point.

[SpandexBallet]

Oh and OP join up on

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2085957-February-2015

We are a pretty nice bunch and I'm guessing you will be due in feb (or I'm appalling at maths )

[Cherryblossom200]

Ah thanks Spandex! I will join up on there :) I'm still trying to navigate my way around on here! Yes I am due in mid-Feb! I'm really excited but petrified to! So many tests, I'm trying not to worry x

[BumCrapulence]

I went to university and worked all my life! If I choose not to take state benefits, that is MY choice and none of your business.

I went to university and have worked my whole life too, but I still take tax credits and child benefit. Am I scum?

[Cherryblossom200]

Oh really Bum - seriously what is your problem? I'm not suggesting that. It's a personal thing, but I am choosing not too. My choice. Anyway I'm not discussing this anymore. You really just can't leave it can you? I've already said I don't wish to discuss this anymore.

I am here to speak to other single mothers who have been through the same thing and get advice. So unless you have anything positive or helpful to say, then please I would suggest you leave my thread and post elsewhere. Thank you.

[Twinklestein]

Fucking hell Folkgirl and BumCrapulence what's with the petulant arsewipery?
Pull yourselves together.

OP on here, anything to indicate you're reasonably well off and you will come in for a kicking billed as 'honesty', as you have just seen.

There are actually decent, sensible posters around and you will find support on the thread Spandex linked, just ignore the knobs.

[FolkGirl]

I wonder, from reading your posts, whether your upbringing has perhaps protected you from some of the crappier aspects of life, and everything has just sort of worked out for you. In which case, this has probably come as a massive shock.

Cherry, I clearly offended you with this and that really wasn't my intention.

I only said it because I have a friend who has been very much protected from the less desireable sides of life by her parents. Her parents are lovely and have given her everything she could have wished for. She's very lovely and she comes from a lovely family. There are occasions, however, when she comes across as a little insensitive to other people and their predicaments/situations because she really does not have a clue about it.

That's not a criticism of her. It's just a fact.

Because of her upbringing, her view of the world is that it's a lovely place, fully of lovely people. Hard work always brings rewards, that kind of thing and she doesn't always get that sometimes shit happens and there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent it.

I, on the other hand, have a rather different world view. I'm wary and mistrustful of it, by and large.

So, rather than being a bit of a bitch and having a dig, I was actually just wondering whether you'd been lucky enough in your upbringing to have developed such a positive world view that it hadn't really ever ventured onto your personal radar that some people won't have your best interests at heart.

I'm probably still not explaining myself very well. I do stand by the comments I've made previously, but I do appear to have communicated my sentiment ineffectively and so I'm sorry for that.

[Matildathecat]

OP congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm a midwife and have seen men react this way a lot. They often do bounce back and forwards a bit but on the whole it does not work out. I think you are actually quite fortunate to have found out right from the word go what he is like. If he does come back and want to give it another go, I would advise that you protect yourself from further heartache and ignore. If and how he has any form of relationship with his child will remain to be seen. Certainly I wouldn't be taking any trips to Australia to facilitate this.

So many people on this thread have been unkind and judgemental I'm frankly saddened. Nearly any woman of your age longing for a child would have been tempted to let the contraception go especially if both parties were aware and keen to have children. You have your plans and they sound workable.

But to actually answer your question, the answer is probably no. And if he does 'come round' be sure that it is you, not he who makes the decisions where you go from here because you now know for a fact that he can and has behaved with shameless twuntery and you can well do without that.

Good luck with everything. Having a baby alone may be daunting. Having one with a man child is disasterous.

[Cherryblossom200]

Thanks Bum for your apology, it's appreciated. The thing is I'm not your friend, am I? That's generalising, saying all middle class being are the same. Like I said you know absolutely nothing about me, no one does on here. I have been brought up in a wonderful, kind and caring family - money has nothing to do with it. But I was in a emotionally and at times physically abusive relative with a man for 15 years, I have been through hell and back.

Dating for me in my mid-30's was a mine field. I simply had never really done it because I was in a long term relationship from such a young age. I haven't ever really dated! It was naive of me I know, but I just had no idea that these types of men existed! I was totally inexperienced and still don't really understand the dating game - I probably never will. The reason I'm saying this is because so always assume things are the way they are...because a lot of the time they are not. My baby (or blob which it is at the moment!) is he most precious thing on earth to me, and yes it is by no means an ideal situation doing it alone but it's the most beautiful little ray of sunshine to me. Please just be nice now?

Matilda thanks so much for your advice :) I think you are completely right regarding the father. Great to here it from a professionals point of view. Do you know why some men are wired like this? I would be interested to know! xx

[Cherryblossom200]

Bum when I said I meant I not your friend I meant I'm not the friend you are referring to in your message - not sure if I explained that well!

[juneau]

I haven't read all the responses on here, but OP can I just urge you to take a deep breath and not make any big changes just yet? You're only six weeks along and yes, hopefully, you will have a baby in 7 or so months' time. But before you rent out your flat and move back in with your parents please just let your pregnancy progress a bit more. Get that 12-week scan under your belt, at the very least. This is early, early days and things can change. Hopefully, they won't, but its a good idea to be a bit cautious for a few weeks yet.

[BumCrapulence]

Hi. I didn't apologise for anything. That was folkgirl.

[yellowdinosauragain]

Cherryblossom I stood up for you before because I thought the way some posters were speaking to you was well out of order. However you're now not helping yourself by being rude back.

If you want support (and there are some wonderful supportive women on Mumsnet) may I suggest that you refrain from the personal insults

All the best for the future for you and your baby

[Cherryblossom200]

Yellow you are right, I don't want to lower myself to their level. I feel I have been nothing but patient up until that point and guess I reached my boiling point ha! But no excuse for being rude so I do apologise. However I am finding being on here stressful and not enjoying it at all. So I'm not going to post in the relationship forum anymore and move over to antenatal :) I think I'm hopefully going to find some good advice there.
Bye all x

[BumCrapulence]

Without sounding patronising, I'll put that little outburst down to pregnancy hormones. For a 38 year old, you do sound extremely childish and not very streetwise. Don't worry, motherhood will bring out the best in you. Good luck.

[fedupbutfine]

I won't be asking for a penny from the government even though I'm probably entitled to single mother benefits.

As you're going to be a single mum, please don't perpetuate the myths...there is no such thing as a 'single mother benefit', nor has there ever been. Benefits are means tested - and whislt single parents by default of having only one potential income coming into the house rather than two are more likely to be eligible for benefits than a couple, a single mother gets no more than a couple in the same circumstances.

[WildBillfemale]

I have to agree with folkgirl. You had unprotected sex with a man who you knew might go away to live in another country in the future

Got to agree with the above I'm afraid. I've skim read most of this thread as it's quite long but no-where do I see the man saying he wants to get married and have kids (he would have to get married to take you to Aus with him and as you met after his visa was granted it's highly unlikely you'd be able to piggy back onto his visa anyway - even if you got married - your relationship wouldn't be considered 'established' as it's very new.

This man has passed all the stiff requirements to go and reside in Australia, he's been planning a new life for a while. It takes a while to process a residency visa to Aus'. He can't just take you with him, his visa was granted on his single status.

Congratulations on the baby but I don't think this man has changed the goalposts and the pregnancy hasn't changed anything which maybe you were hoping it would...

Why oh why oh why do so many on mn have unprotected sex then seem surprised when the pregnancy doesn't magically change a flaky relationship into a loving committed one. Sorry to be harsh OP but enjoy your baby and forget this man.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Op...you have a beautiful baby on the way. Who cares how it happened or what anyone thinks? Similar happened to me and it is hard to be single and pregnant.
Not all of us are married to mr wonderful with a mortgage in the suburbs before getting knocked up ( life isnt all perfect ). It is easy to be smug if youve made 'sensible' choices.

[superstarheartbreaker]

And given that 1in 3 pregnancies are unplanned. Ok...the op had unprotected sex but it is still shit that her ex dumped her.
I have friends who got pregnant a couple of months into a relationship and the man stood by them. It didnt work out like that for her or me. Just shows that there are some good guys who do the right thing.
It is very easy when smitten snd in the honeymoon phase to think that the man feels the same and to want to believe what he says.
The man is a manchild but op will be fine.

[Cherryblossom200]

Wildbill, just to clarify you don't have to marry the person with a visa (we checked this out with his lawyer) I could have gone on a partner visa. But you need to live together for 12 months before you can apply to go on his. But obviously I have no desire anymore to go to oz! No way!! x