Pregnant and single :(

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Long story which I will try to condense as much as possible...I'm 38 and met a guy 4 months ago who is the same age. We met online and had an amazing first date which lasted 8 hours long. On the 2nd date we had another great time, but he told me he has a Visa for Australia. He was upfront and honest with me and said he plans to live there for good (he is from the UK) we said we would continue the relationship for the next 6 months before he leaves to see if it would blossom and then make a decision about whether he would stay and wait for me.

The next 3-4 months were great, a bit up and down whenever we brought up oz and naturally I was worried about getting in to deep emotionally if he would just up and leave at any stage. He instigated a lot of the relationship and dictated the speed etc, he took me away for a wonderful weekend, booked us a holiday away in the south of france. Was amazing. I fell in love with him pretty quickly, he was very attractive and had a great personality. He slowly introduced me to his close friends and brother (I didn't really introduce him to many of my close friends) according to his friend he hadnt done this before.

About 2 months into the relationship I confessed my feelings and told him I loved him, he said he wasnt sure if he was in love me yet. But continued the relationship anyway. About 3 weeks before we split up when I was about to break up with him because he wasn't being forthcoming with his plans for oz he told me he loved me. So I felt over the moon, was elated!

We had sex a number of times without protection, he knew I wasnt on birth control so seemed happy with taking the risk. We spoke about our desire to have kids all the time. He made it clear he wanted children and didn't seem phased that if he was to stay with me we would have to think about starting a family sooner rather than later (I made this clear to him when I first started dating him)

Anyway a week before we split up we visited his visa lawyer to discuss the possibility of us going to oz together in the future, after this he had a panic attack in the evening and broke up with me the next day.

Two days later I found out I was pregnant. I told him and it went down like a ton of bricks. He made it clear he doesn't want to be with me, said he shouldn't of told me he loved me as he doesn't love me, said he doesnt want this baby and asked me to have a termination.

I have decided to keep the baby and go it alone. I simply can't terminate at this age and I want the baby dearly. Though I would of preferred to be in a relationship!

I have a very supportive family and financially I will be fine.


The father is emotionally unstable so no idea what he will do. I truly suprised by his reaction as he went on about how much he wanted kids all the time and how he would make a great dad?! He spoke on holiday about what our kids would look like? I makes no sense whatsoever.

We are both from middle class families, his parents are both pyschologists (so I'm wondering if this is why he is so messed up?!) but I feel that I have been duped by a commitment phobe...

I own my own place, have pets etc. He lives in a flatshare with 5 other people, surfs and spends all his money travelling. He has never lived with a girl and the girls he has had relationships with he never loved. The only girl he properly loved he is still very close with 20 + years with, she lives in another country but they speak on skype all the time. It was unrequited love on his side, she isn't even aware that he loved her. He speaks about her fondly, thinks she is amazing and beautiful but it's very clear she isn't interested in him otherwise they would have got together years ago. Plus she is in a relationship with someone else. He sayd he no longer loves her...but I feel subconciously he still does.

He is seeking therapy now.

I think it's very sad this has happened. He has treated me terribly since I told him I was pregnant, he asked me to 'prove' my pregnancy by meeting him so he could do the test himself. Was utterly degrading and humiliating.

I have no idea what he will do now...maybe he will go to oz and leave us alone. Part of me hopes he will go. But another part of me would hope he wakes up to this and grows up. Deep down I know he desperatley wants a family and has a good heart, but he seems petrified/angry and feels I have trapped him.

Despite amazing support from friends and family, being pregnant for the first time and doing it on my own is lonely and daunting...

I'm only 6 weeks 4 days so still early days and I'm trying not to stress.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated? Do you think he will come around?


xx

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

So a bit of an update. I made several complaints about a certain member on here, and received a really lovely, supportive message from the mumsnet team. They have recognised that this was descending into a very personal attack on me and have dealt with the offending poster. They have encouraged me to stay on my thread because I'm receiving some great support which I agree with. I've in a short amount of time started making some really great friends on here so would love to stay. I hope from today this thread will become a good meeting point for us single ladies to come together and share our stories :)

The message I received from the team last night has really changed my view about this site hugely. I'm at last starting to feel a bit more 'settled' and hope to continue meeting other lovely mums :)

Cherry xxx

[Cherryblossom200]

Where did I park my broom, thank you for your lovely comment :) xx

[Twinklestein]

Good news Cherry. I would start a new thread, otherwise it will confuse posters, and some will comment on the OP without having read your update.

[stubbornstains]

I just saw this on Facebook and thought of you OP . I think my own DS was at high risk of inheriting said gene, but appears to have avoided it. (His dad was into surfing too- some connection possibly?!)

www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=661958443885566&set=a.114213375326745.21509.111402942274455&type=1&theater

[Cherryblossom200]

Ha maybe we dated the same man?! Ha ha! Very funny pic!!

I think someone asked about what I plan to do with his parents. In terms of my relationship with them (I've never met them) and I don't plan on having a relationship with them as they helped my ex construct a rather awful letter. But for my child's sake I will actively encourage a relationship with them. I really would love the dad to be involved but not sure he wants to be around.

[Cherryblossom200]

Twinkle, good advice. Will see how it goes but if it does seem to pull up all the old stuff again I will start a new thread :)

[Fideliney]

So a bit of an update. I made several complaints about a certain member on here, and received a really lovely, supportive message from the mumsnet team. They have recognised that this was descending into a very personal attack on me and have dealt with the offending poster.

Really really bad form OP.

[LisaMed]

Re your ex's parents - if they have never met you then they are only going to know what your ex has told them about you. They may have made some unfounded assumptions as you have become pregnant so soon into a relationship. However they are of course going to be on the side of their son, and try and support him.

However later on, when your lovely child is here, they may well want to be grandparents, they may want to do the best they can for your child and they may be really helpful. I suggest that you don't run towards them, but perhaps keep an open mind on how they could be once emotions and shock have settled down.

Good luck

btw my son has only one grandparent as the others are all dead. I am really quite glad he never met my mother but devastated that he never met my lovely FIL. My experience is that some grandparents are lovely and some are not, but if they are more or less okay then the usual wisdom is that it is healthy for a child to know them. hth

[Cherryblossom200]

He has cousins on the fathers side who I have met who I would love him/her to meet one day. And yep I fully intend the grandparents (of they want to) to be involved. I only knew one side of grandparents so would be really nice for my child to know all sets.

I have no idea if my ex will come to the hospital and if he does if his parents will come. Not sure how to handle that one if it does occur? I don't think I will really be in a state to want to play happy families at that point.

[unrealhousewife]

Hi everyone,

I see that the thread has now turned a corner and posters are now being more careful about their advice and that Cherry herself has a better understanding of her child's rights to a potential future with its father.

I shall leave it at that now but I won't be bullied off this thread for expressing a perfectly valid opinion.

Thank you and good day. :)

[slithytove]

Agree with Fid, and can't see that attitude getting you far across this site OP. Very snotty and unnecessary post and IMO you've completely lost whatever moral high ground you had.

Smacks of a child running to tell teacher and then bragging about it.

[slithytove]

I also find it very odd that mnhq haven't posted on this thread as they normally do in these situations. Nor have they suspended the member OP refers to.

All very odd.

[unrealhousewife]

Just to avoid speculation, MNHQ did message me to tell me to back off. I'm happy to back off now that there is a bit of balance to the thread. Apparently they had lots of reports about my posts.

[lostintoys]

Good luck OP. I was in your position nearly nine years ago. I now have the most wonderful eight-year-old son who is the light of my life. I can't pretend it has always been easy, especially for the first few years, but it has, without equivocation, been the best and most joyful and fulfilling experience of my (very full) life. I have absolutely no regrets. My son's father sounds similar to your ex and has had almost no input into his life, did not want to go onto the birth certificate and has never had any interest in parental responsibility (or maintenance for that matter). I have had a new DP since my son was four, and he is a fabulous man in DS's life who treats him as his own. You'll be fine. Enjoy your pregnancy and let the future look after itself.

[Cherryblossom200]

Thanks Lost in toys. Your story pretty much echos many people's that I've met. The guys showed no interest in being involved (fine with me too) but having their child was the most wonderful thing they ever did. I only want one child but if I meet someone else I would consider having another but next time I would make sure I'm married ;)

[swingofthings]

I think if your ex doesn't get into contact with you and clearly wants nothing to do with you and his child, you should just totally leave the rest of his family out of it too, unless they chose to approach you.

Ultimately, you took a chance by allowing yourself to get pregnant with a man you hardly knew. It could have worked wonderfully with him being over the moon and being there for you, but it didn't. I fell pregnant 5 months after meeting my now husband. When I fell pregnant, he was so happy. I didn't doubt he would be as it was him who suggested I came off the pill, but still, it could have gone differently. Unfortunately, I miscarried at 7 weeks and ironically we never managed to fall pregnant again. Still we are very happy together and married. You most likely will get a wonderful child out of what happened, that in itself is a precious gift, but you need to accept that in all likelihood, that's all you are going to get from him and move on.

[Cherryblossom200]

That's really sad to hear, I'm so sorry. But your husband sounds amazing and you seem very happily married. I think that was the thing at the back of my head to, what if this is the one and only time I could pregnant.

[Itsfab]

Just because the father doesn't want to know does not mean the child has to miss out on having grandparents!