Pregnant and single :(

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Long story which I will try to condense as much as possible...I'm 38 and met a guy 4 months ago who is the same age. We met online and had an amazing first date which lasted 8 hours long. On the 2nd date we had another great time, but he told me he has a Visa for Australia. He was upfront and honest with me and said he plans to live there for good (he is from the UK) we said we would continue the relationship for the next 6 months before he leaves to see if it would blossom and then make a decision about whether he would stay and wait for me.

The next 3-4 months were great, a bit up and down whenever we brought up oz and naturally I was worried about getting in to deep emotionally if he would just up and leave at any stage. He instigated a lot of the relationship and dictated the speed etc, he took me away for a wonderful weekend, booked us a holiday away in the south of france. Was amazing. I fell in love with him pretty quickly, he was very attractive and had a great personality. He slowly introduced me to his close friends and brother (I didn't really introduce him to many of my close friends) according to his friend he hadnt done this before.

About 2 months into the relationship I confessed my feelings and told him I loved him, he said he wasnt sure if he was in love me yet. But continued the relationship anyway. About 3 weeks before we split up when I was about to break up with him because he wasn't being forthcoming with his plans for oz he told me he loved me. So I felt over the moon, was elated!

We had sex a number of times without protection, he knew I wasnt on birth control so seemed happy with taking the risk. We spoke about our desire to have kids all the time. He made it clear he wanted children and didn't seem phased that if he was to stay with me we would have to think about starting a family sooner rather than later (I made this clear to him when I first started dating him)

Anyway a week before we split up we visited his visa lawyer to discuss the possibility of us going to oz together in the future, after this he had a panic attack in the evening and broke up with me the next day.

Two days later I found out I was pregnant. I told him and it went down like a ton of bricks. He made it clear he doesn't want to be with me, said he shouldn't of told me he loved me as he doesn't love me, said he doesnt want this baby and asked me to have a termination.

I have decided to keep the baby and go it alone. I simply can't terminate at this age and I want the baby dearly. Though I would of preferred to be in a relationship!

I have a very supportive family and financially I will be fine.


The father is emotionally unstable so no idea what he will do. I truly suprised by his reaction as he went on about how much he wanted kids all the time and how he would make a great dad?! He spoke on holiday about what our kids would look like? I makes no sense whatsoever.

We are both from middle class families, his parents are both pyschologists (so I'm wondering if this is why he is so messed up?!) but I feel that I have been duped by a commitment phobe...

I own my own place, have pets etc. He lives in a flatshare with 5 other people, surfs and spends all his money travelling. He has never lived with a girl and the girls he has had relationships with he never loved. The only girl he properly loved he is still very close with 20 + years with, she lives in another country but they speak on skype all the time. It was unrequited love on his side, she isn't even aware that he loved her. He speaks about her fondly, thinks she is amazing and beautiful but it's very clear she isn't interested in him otherwise they would have got together years ago. Plus she is in a relationship with someone else. He sayd he no longer loves her...but I feel subconciously he still does.

He is seeking therapy now.

I think it's very sad this has happened. He has treated me terribly since I told him I was pregnant, he asked me to 'prove' my pregnancy by meeting him so he could do the test himself. Was utterly degrading and humiliating.

I have no idea what he will do now...maybe he will go to oz and leave us alone. Part of me hopes he will go. But another part of me would hope he wakes up to this and grows up. Deep down I know he desperatley wants a family and has a good heart, but he seems petrified/angry and feels I have trapped him.

Despite amazing support from friends and family, being pregnant for the first time and doing it on my own is lonely and daunting...

I'm only 6 weeks 4 days so still early days and I'm trying not to stress.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated? Do you think he will come around?


xx

[vertec]

OP you met this guy 4 months ago and you are 6 weeks pregnant. So I think a large part of his cold feet could be attributed to only knowing you 2.5 months before you're carrying his child. This is going to be terrifically scary for him. Yes he made all the right noises but as another poster said his lifestyle was incongruent with the story he was spinning.

I do think you're being a bit harsh on him. He may well come round to the idea as time goes on but at the moment he will no doubt be telling himself that he hardly knows you and this is all mad. I know I would!

Perhaps tell him that - that you do understand his shock. Be firm that you are carrying on with the pregnancy, on your own if necessary, but that you have faith that you could be great parents together and that the door is open to him. Once the pressure is off he might thaw out.

[Cherryblossom200]

Not that it matters that much, but I fell pregnant after 4 months of being with him not 2.5.

My ex behaved disgustingly when I told him I was pregnant. He told me to f**k off, deleted me off facebook (like a 13 year old child) and the following week demanded I meet him in a pub so that he could do a pregnancy test himself because he thought I would lie to him. I couldn't believe it. We had a great 4 months together and this man became a virtual stranger in the matter of minutes. He made me feel so humiliated, I had to pee in a plastic cup for him to do the test himself in a beer garden..lovely. I said no initially but he said if I had nothing to hide then I wouldn't have an issue providing the sample.

So really...I don't want him in my life now thinking about it. I know it's a shock for him (and me TBH) but it doesn't give him the right to treat a human being (carrying his child) in this way. It's shocking.

[BumCrapulence]

Don't really get the "we're both from middle class families" part tbh. Is that just a stealth boast about being rich?

Sounds like you've worked it all out anyway and don't have childcare issues when working like most single mothers have so.....good luck to you.

[FolkGirl]

Actually, you didn't have to pee in a cup and let him do a pregnancy test in a beer garden.

He might have requested/demanded that, but you chose to do that. You could have continued to refuse. I would have done.

I think there are lots of points in this story where you could have made a different choice and effected a very different outcome.

Bum no, I think she's trying to provide credentials that prove she's not JK fodder.

[FolkGirl]

And another thing...

You're 38 and you were having unprotected sex. Is it really a shock to you that you became pregnant?

That's generally how it happens after all.

[BumCrapulence]

I have to agree with folkgirl. You had unprotected sex with a man who you knew might go away to live in another country in the future. Sorry, but money doesn't equate to having a brain does it? Doesn't matted a jot if he's middle class. You've both been stupid IMO.

[fourlegstwolegs]

Bumcrapulence I think you re being a bit mean. Poor OP is clearly upset and stressed and you are calling her an idiot and being chippy about the fact she is "middle class". What's wrong with that anyway? We can't all be the same!
I never understand why people come on here and deliberately make people feel even worse than they already do.

Regardless of background, being alone and pregnant is very upsetting. An incredibly similar situation happened to me. I had the baby even though (now ex) backtracked completely once I found out I was pregnant, also telling me he didn't love me after all, telling me to have an abortion etc.
I kept the baby, who is a delight. I am self employed so it wasn't the easiest, but all will be well, don't worry.

[Cherryblossom200]

Thanks Bum :) You are right the only reason I brought up the middle class comment is because I didn't want people to think I'm a JK type wanting to sponge of the government. I will be financially supporting myself and my baby. I won't be asking for a penny from the government even though I'm probably entitled to single mother benefits.

Some of you seem to feel the need to punish me for this which I think is pretty cruel. I am completley shocked by the father's behaviour, I had no idea he could be capable of being so horrible. Yes we BOTH took a risk with birth control, I kept re-iterating to him I wasn't on the pill yet he STILL continued to have sex with me quite happily knowing the risks We are both to blame for this, he is a 38 year old adult not a child. Anyway the point is it's done, I am having the baby. I do at times intensely lonely and stressed out, so please can I ask less of the negativity please? Otherwise I will just delete myself of this forum completley. I came on here to ask for support.

Thanks

[Itsfab]

You also took the risk though so it is hard to see why it is a shock to you that you are pregnant.

I hope all works out but never again do anything he demands because he makes threats, etc. He does not own you or the baby. Be the strong person you think you are.

[BumCrapulence]

I won't be asking for a penny from the government even though I'm probably entitled to single mother benefits.

Well bully for you.

[Cherryblossom200]

Ok...thanks guys really appreciate your thoughts. I hope you all feel a lot better now. I only joined a few days ago and never expected to be treated like this. I didn't come on here for people to get their kicks by pointing fingers at me and my situation.

I'm going to delete myself from mumsnet, my experience has been awful so far. I came on here as I feel vulnerable and isolated and hoped a few of you may of shared your own experiences.

[FolkGirl]

Well you haven't done yourself any favours on here, OP.

You weren't using contraception, yet you're shocked you're pregnant.

You got pregnant 4 months into a relationship with someone who obviously wasn't ready for that sort of relationship/commitment (whatever words he said)

He lives in a houseshare; he spends all his money on travelling; he's moving to Australia; he spends all his time surfing... and you're surprised he isn't happy about the baby...

The mind boggles really. I should have huge empathy for you. My relationship with my son's father ended when I was 8 months pregnant and he had an affair. I really didn't see that one coming - we'd been together a few years, we lived together, we had set up a business together, his family was my family...

But that isn't your set up.

I wonder, from reading your posts, whether your upbringing has perhaps protected you from some of the crappier aspects of life, and everything has just sort of worked out for you. In which case, this has probably come as a massive shock.

[FolkGirl]

No one feels better. It makes no difference to any of us or our lives, it's just incredibly frustrating to read of women making daft decisions having believe the nonsense some man has spouted when it should have been obvious it was nonsense.

Oh and I'd forgotten about the pissing in a cup to do a pregnancy test in the pub!!!

Just have a bit more self respect and agency in your own life!

[grocklebox]

may have, would have. not of.

But anyway, you are being silly. This isn't a love in, people are honest. You can't expect it to be all claps on the back.
You were having lots of unprotected sex with someone who told you they were emigrating. You can't truly be surprised that you are pregnant, or suprised that he's not jumping for joy about it? Really?

[Itsfab]

OP

You have had your plans turned upside down but they weren't any kind of reality. Caring what strangers think - and no one feels better for pointing out your silliness - is not helpful but if you want help, support, advice, friendship you will get it here but no one will tell you you have been tricked because you haven't. No one will tell you were unlucky to get pregnant because you weren't and no one will give you a medal for not claiming. You are an adult it is time to act like one and plan what you are going to do as you can not rely on the baby's father.

What you need to do is get all his medical history off him as that might be relevant for your baby.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I wonder, from reading your posts, whether your upbringing has perhaps protected you from some of the crappier aspects of life, and everything has just sort of worked out for you. In which case, this has probably come as a massive shock.

Same could be directed at a lot of posters on Relationships but it reeks of schadenfreude to say so.

OP there's a lot of good solid advice on MN boards and for a first time mum tons of practical advice, don't miss out on it by flouncing.

[FolkGirl]

Hm, possibly. But that's not how I meant it Donkey.

[yellowdinosauragain]

Well frankly I think some of you are being total bitches quite frankly.

Yes, the op has been naive and I don't disagree with the content of what you say folkgirl (and others). I don't think there is anything wrong in being honest but really is it necessary to talk to the op in such a rude patronising manner when she has come here looking for support? Support takes many forms, which doesn't mean just telling people what they want to hear but talking to her like this is just nasty.

I think some of you should be bloody ashamed of yourselves.

[ohldoneedtogetagrip]

well said yellowdinosauragain

[FolkGirl]

She wasn't really asking for support in her first post though.

But my first posts were directed not at the OP, but at the people who immediately jumped on the man for being a bastard.

I think it's difficult to offer support to someone who is intent on seeing themselves as a victim when they are not.

She needs to get her head around that and then she will get all the support she wants and needs. But, to be honest, it wasn't clear what she did want from her opening post, other than for people to bitch about her ex, which I didn't feel was appropriate, necessary or helpful.

The first thing people need to do in any situation is to start taking responsbility for their own actions and their own role in their situation; to stop seeing it as something that happened to them, because this wasn't something that she had no control over, yet is painting the whole situation as a shocking surprise.

She has said she's not struggling financially, so people can't help there.
She has said she has friends and support in RL, so people can't help there.
She asked if we thought he'd come round. We have no way of knowing, but it doesn't sound like he will.
She has said he demanded that she take a pregnancy test in a beer garden and doesn't seem to have realised she could say, "no".
And she said she was shocked that she became pregnant after admitting to having unprotected sex.

She does need to take responsiblity and have agency in her own life, or any advice/support she receives on here will be pointless because she'll just keep repeating the same things to herself and to us.

[BumCrapulence]

I don't think she was looking for support either. 6 weeks into a "shock" pregnancy she's already decided to put her house on rent and move to her parents, have on site childminders at work and not take a penny from the government. couldn't help her much when she's decided all that already.

[fourlegstwolegs]

You lot have been really mean. Shame on you. Only a few kinds words out of 47 messages.
Poor girl.

[FolkGirl]

There's no shame on me.

[Itsfab]

I think you and me are in a group of our own FolkGirl.

When I was getting ripped to shreds and given harsh to take but sensible advice I didn't see anyone calling them "bitches." .

[kaykayblue]

Folkgirl - you're right, you are utterly shameless.

To the OP - Look. For a woman of 38 years, you have been incredibly naive. However, I'm sure that everyone - folkgirl included - have messed up on occasion - everything is always wonderful with hindsight, and when you aren't the one caught up in a situation.

One thing that I do need to pick you up on is this - It was extremely stupid to have unprotected sex with a man you barely knew. Have you been to a clinic to get yourself tested? Unfortunately, babies are not the only thing you can get from unprotected sex.

All this aside, I think you probably already know - deep down - that this relationship is not going to work out, and probably never really had the potential to either. It would not surprise me in the slightest if this man already has a little trail of children behind him.

Whatever you do, please don't go to Australia with the baby - if he is there and you stay there for any period of time, you won't be able to leave without his permission. So be very wary if he asks you - all of a sudden - to come join him there.

However - none of the issues above should interfere with you enjoying your pregnancy. It sounds like you have a very good family support network, so even if you are going to be a single parent, you should still have lots of people to keep you sane.

Good luck!

PS, AND NEVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH RANDOM PEOPLE AGAIN!!!