Pregnant and single :(

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Long story which I will try to condense as much as possible...I'm 38 and met a guy 4 months ago who is the same age. We met online and had an amazing first date which lasted 8 hours long. On the 2nd date we had another great time, but he told me he has a Visa for Australia. He was upfront and honest with me and said he plans to live there for good (he is from the UK) we said we would continue the relationship for the next 6 months before he leaves to see if it would blossom and then make a decision about whether he would stay and wait for me.

The next 3-4 months were great, a bit up and down whenever we brought up oz and naturally I was worried about getting in to deep emotionally if he would just up and leave at any stage. He instigated a lot of the relationship and dictated the speed etc, he took me away for a wonderful weekend, booked us a holiday away in the south of france. Was amazing. I fell in love with him pretty quickly, he was very attractive and had a great personality. He slowly introduced me to his close friends and brother (I didn't really introduce him to many of my close friends) according to his friend he hadnt done this before.

About 2 months into the relationship I confessed my feelings and told him I loved him, he said he wasnt sure if he was in love me yet. But continued the relationship anyway. About 3 weeks before we split up when I was about to break up with him because he wasn't being forthcoming with his plans for oz he told me he loved me. So I felt over the moon, was elated!

We had sex a number of times without protection, he knew I wasnt on birth control so seemed happy with taking the risk. We spoke about our desire to have kids all the time. He made it clear he wanted children and didn't seem phased that if he was to stay with me we would have to think about starting a family sooner rather than later (I made this clear to him when I first started dating him)

Anyway a week before we split up we visited his visa lawyer to discuss the possibility of us going to oz together in the future, after this he had a panic attack in the evening and broke up with me the next day.

Two days later I found out I was pregnant. I told him and it went down like a ton of bricks. He made it clear he doesn't want to be with me, said he shouldn't of told me he loved me as he doesn't love me, said he doesnt want this baby and asked me to have a termination.

I have decided to keep the baby and go it alone. I simply can't terminate at this age and I want the baby dearly. Though I would of preferred to be in a relationship!

I have a very supportive family and financially I will be fine.


The father is emotionally unstable so no idea what he will do. I truly suprised by his reaction as he went on about how much he wanted kids all the time and how he would make a great dad?! He spoke on holiday about what our kids would look like? I makes no sense whatsoever.

We are both from middle class families, his parents are both pyschologists (so I'm wondering if this is why he is so messed up?!) but I feel that I have been duped by a commitment phobe...

I own my own place, have pets etc. He lives in a flatshare with 5 other people, surfs and spends all his money travelling. He has never lived with a girl and the girls he has had relationships with he never loved. The only girl he properly loved he is still very close with 20 + years with, she lives in another country but they speak on skype all the time. It was unrequited love on his side, she isn't even aware that he loved her. He speaks about her fondly, thinks she is amazing and beautiful but it's very clear she isn't interested in him otherwise they would have got together years ago. Plus she is in a relationship with someone else. He sayd he no longer loves her...but I feel subconciously he still does.

He is seeking therapy now.

I think it's very sad this has happened. He has treated me terribly since I told him I was pregnant, he asked me to 'prove' my pregnancy by meeting him so he could do the test himself. Was utterly degrading and humiliating.

I have no idea what he will do now...maybe he will go to oz and leave us alone. Part of me hopes he will go. But another part of me would hope he wakes up to this and grows up. Deep down I know he desperatley wants a family and has a good heart, but he seems petrified/angry and feels I have trapped him.

Despite amazing support from friends and family, being pregnant for the first time and doing it on my own is lonely and daunting...

I'm only 6 weeks 4 days so still early days and I'm trying not to stress.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated? Do you think he will come around?


xx

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

[unrealhousewife]

Hellsbells I am going to drop it but I think this woman could have a great family with a great partner, a future of happy health.

You are advising her to take the path of a car crash. Fine if you want to be here pick up the pieces when the DF is having a psychotic episodes and telling dc that Mummy is x, y or z and OP comes back on here asking for help. My conscience will be clear.

[FreckledLeopard]

Jesus Christ. I cannot believe some people on here are urging the OP to have a termination when she's clearly said she wants to keep the baby.

OP - I am sorry you are getting so much crap thrown at you. Congratulations on your pregnancy. FWIW, I had something a bit similar aged 18. I had been sleeping with the guy, on and off, for several years. I was very much infatuated with him. He was older and simply shagged around. However, he never used condoms and I never gave him any indication that I was on the pill or using any contraception. I got pregnant, he made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and urged me to have a termination.

DD is now 13 and absolutely wonderful. I am so grateful that I have such a fabulous daughter.

DD's father has finally grown up a little and met her for the first time last year (he's now married with two other children). He has still never paid any maintenance or anything, but he appears to be keen to build some kind of a relationship with DD and I am trying to facilitate this without being bitter.

Your baby's father sounds like a twat. He may or may not redeem himself in the future. But honestly, being a single mother is sometimes so much easier than being with someone - no arguments about how to raise the child, no compromises needed, no having to balance your partner's needs with the baby's needs. And you sound as if you have a great support network too, so well done.

Enjoy your pregnancy and the baby and I hope everything works out for you.

[lottieandmias]

Unreal housewife - shame on you - your posts are not supportive or helpful. You don't have any right to try to impress on the OP that she should have a termination.

OP, it sounds as if you are much better off without this man in yours and your child's life. There is a reason why, at his age he still lives and behaves like a student. The bottom line is that his behaviour is not your problem.

My youngest child was conceived with a man who very shortly afterwards buggered off and left and has never had any interest in his daughter. That is his loss. She is a wonderful little girl and every day I thank goodness I was firm in my decision to have her. There are some advantages in being able to make all the decisions about your child alone without interference from a flakey man who will just add complications.

[unrealhousewife]

Freckled leopard the laws around access have changed hugely since you had your child 13 years ago.

Why would you advise some one to have a baby with someone who's a twat? (Your description, not mine)?

[unrealhousewife]

Lottie, the point is she can't NOT have this man in her child's life.

[lottieandmias]

You don't have to be religious to not want to have a termination FFS.

Unrealihouswife - what is your agenda here exactly in repeatedly telling someone who has decided to keep their baby that they should not? This is not your life.

[FreckledLeopard]

Given the OP's ex-partner seems to have no desire for access, seems to be wanting to go to Australia and seems unlikely to insist on going on the birth certificate or having any involvement in the child's life, then I wouldn't be unduly concerned that he will suddenly rock up and demand to have custody. If the OP moves, how will he even know where she lives?

Frankly, if I were 38 and wanted a baby, I would embrace the pregnancy regardless of the circumstances, as the OP is doing.

Also - circumstances change. Loving husbands run off with other women and then threaten to try and get custody. People become abusive. There's no guarantee that having a child with someone who is currently 'nice' means they won't change in the future.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I think this woman could have a great family with a great partner, a future of happy health
I thought that too. But even in a stable relationship where you are married and happy and have a child, things don't always turn out as expected.
Blimey, how many women on here have had their lives torn apart and been left as single mums?? .
I know I have and there are thousands and thousands more out there.
They haven't planned for it and are not prepared for it?
The OP is prepared for it. She has support and plans in place already.
Advising termination to anyone (letalone a stranger seeking support) is absolutely NOT acceptable.

Stop projecting! You can advise of your experience and share that information but do not dare to tell OP what to do with her body.

Many women have done this and live wonderful happy lives as single parents or with loving new partners who are far better fathers than the bio dad.

[Glenshee]

Appalled by advice from unrealhousewife. How dare you.

[FreckledLeopard]

Well, my DD's grandparents ignored my letter offering them access. No-one in her father's family had any inclination to have anything to do with DD and I.

Unrealhousewife - you sound unhinged. Lots of people get pregnant and the father walks away. The OP will be fine.

[unrealhousewife]

So Glenshee your advice is...?

Have a baby to someone with serious problems, doesn't want the baby, has educated parents, lives in the UK, is happy to humiliate the mother...

Great.

[unrealhousewife]

Freckled, not unhinged at all. Lots of people USED to have babies without fathers involvement but you can be certain that this father will be involved in the worst possible way and he will have every right to be.

[unrealhousewife]

Lottie my repeated posts aren't to OP. They are to people like you who are making an issue out of my comments. OP is perfectly capable of standing up for herself.

Having examples of happy single parenthood is great, but OP simply doesn't need to put herself in that position. Her dp sounds as though he is very manipulative and unstable and I wouldn't be surprised if this whole process was a way to control her. She could be playing into his hands by continuing with the pregnancy.

He says he doesn't want it, but you bet he won't be saying that in a few years time when he's cute and wants someone to go surfing with.

[lottieandmias]

If a mother doesn't want to have a termination then it's best not to. Women who have terminations they don't want do not generally recover well from it. I do think it sounds as if you are projecting.

[Cherryblossom200]

I am not religious...honestly I am now just laughing at you housewife. You are nuts to actually believe you have the right to tell a complete stranger what to do with their body? I mean really? Really? What planet are you on?

Stop making rubbish up! I've knowing about my pregnancy for 3 weeks now. When I first found out I thought about a termination, I didn't want to give up on my dream to finding someone to have a child with and do it the proper way. But the more I spoke to friends ( who are my friends not strangers on the net), got advice from single parent sites etc it became clear there is no such thing as the fairytale ending. I could waste years finding the perfect man, and when I announce I'm pregnant he runs, who I give birth and the pressures of parenthood end up splitting us up. I could be in the exact same situation as I am now. At least I know upfront what I'm dealing with. I made my decision to keep my baby weeks ago and a weirdo on here who doesn't know me is going to have no influence on me whatsoever. I just think it's laughable like I said.


But on a serious note, I am really appalled by peoples comments on here. I keep saying it but people have been terrible. Pulling me apart because of my background, the fact I won't accept benefits (I wonder what you would be saying if I wanted to get on the list for a council house and have lots if babies with different men so I don't ever have to work again) the fact I've been stupid, that I should terminate. I mean honestly I am downright disgusted by this place. I really don't have any good things to say about it at all.

[Cherryblossom200]

And yes I looked at the devastating effects of termination on the mothers psychological health, most regret it forever. I know I would. I know I've made the right decision :)

[yellowdinosauragain]

Unrealhousewife your very first post to the op about having options was measured and helpful. Your later ones in response to the op saying that she intended to keep her baby are nothing short of fucking appalling

How dare you keep harping on with your own agenda about termination when the op is clear that she is keeping the baby. For the record I'm absolutely pro choice but the op has made her choice. Moreover, she is not some naive teenager (although even if she was your comments and repeated attacks would still be out of order), she is a sensible, informed, financially sorted 38 year old woman with family support.

Yes, this might go very wrong for her but, newsflash, it also might go very right for her. It could also go very wrong for me in my happy secure marriage, who am I to know? You are being totally and utterly out of order. I don't know who has fucked you over so royally to give you such a negative view of the world but you are not the op and if you can't be supportive, respectfully you need to fuck the fuck off

[fifi669]

Did I miss the bit about ex being a weirdo? I thought he was just a commitment phobe.

housewife is right that he can get parental responsibility regardless of whether he's on the bc or not. He could turn up years later, demand and be granted contact. Extended relatives I believe is only the case if they can show they are continuing a relationship with the child. He will also be able to make decisions regarding upbringing, medical needs, religion etc The vast majority of NRP won't be oddballs and be strictly in the best interests of the child or not exercise their rights at all. I wouldn't worry about all that now. It's very early days and he's still going to be shocked and not thinking clearly. Just give it time, if he doesn't come around, his loss.

[yellowdinosauragain]

Cherry this thread is not representative of most of Mumsnet. For some reason your thread seems to have become a cunt magnet

Hopefully you can see past that to the supportive posters

[Cherryblossom200]

I can't believe people would bully me when I'm clearly on here for support and feeling at my most vulnerable :( I'm carrying a child (even if it's a little blob it's a life) to say these things are really beyond awful. I would love to write a review of mumsnet about my experience on here! This is NOT what I expected at all.