Pregnant and single :(

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Long story which I will try to condense as much as possible...I'm 38 and met a guy 4 months ago who is the same age. We met online and had an amazing first date which lasted 8 hours long. On the 2nd date we had another great time, but he told me he has a Visa for Australia. He was upfront and honest with me and said he plans to live there for good (he is from the UK) we said we would continue the relationship for the next 6 months before he leaves to see if it would blossom and then make a decision about whether he would stay and wait for me.

The next 3-4 months were great, a bit up and down whenever we brought up oz and naturally I was worried about getting in to deep emotionally if he would just up and leave at any stage. He instigated a lot of the relationship and dictated the speed etc, he took me away for a wonderful weekend, booked us a holiday away in the south of france. Was amazing. I fell in love with him pretty quickly, he was very attractive and had a great personality. He slowly introduced me to his close friends and brother (I didn't really introduce him to many of my close friends) according to his friend he hadnt done this before.

About 2 months into the relationship I confessed my feelings and told him I loved him, he said he wasnt sure if he was in love me yet. But continued the relationship anyway. About 3 weeks before we split up when I was about to break up with him because he wasn't being forthcoming with his plans for oz he told me he loved me. So I felt over the moon, was elated!

We had sex a number of times without protection, he knew I wasnt on birth control so seemed happy with taking the risk. We spoke about our desire to have kids all the time. He made it clear he wanted children and didn't seem phased that if he was to stay with me we would have to think about starting a family sooner rather than later (I made this clear to him when I first started dating him)

Anyway a week before we split up we visited his visa lawyer to discuss the possibility of us going to oz together in the future, after this he had a panic attack in the evening and broke up with me the next day.

Two days later I found out I was pregnant. I told him and it went down like a ton of bricks. He made it clear he doesn't want to be with me, said he shouldn't of told me he loved me as he doesn't love me, said he doesnt want this baby and asked me to have a termination.

I have decided to keep the baby and go it alone. I simply can't terminate at this age and I want the baby dearly. Though I would of preferred to be in a relationship!

I have a very supportive family and financially I will be fine.


The father is emotionally unstable so no idea what he will do. I truly suprised by his reaction as he went on about how much he wanted kids all the time and how he would make a great dad?! He spoke on holiday about what our kids would look like? I makes no sense whatsoever.

We are both from middle class families, his parents are both pyschologists (so I'm wondering if this is why he is so messed up?!) but I feel that I have been duped by a commitment phobe...

I own my own place, have pets etc. He lives in a flatshare with 5 other people, surfs and spends all his money travelling. He has never lived with a girl and the girls he has had relationships with he never loved. The only girl he properly loved he is still very close with 20 + years with, she lives in another country but they speak on skype all the time. It was unrequited love on his side, she isn't even aware that he loved her. He speaks about her fondly, thinks she is amazing and beautiful but it's very clear she isn't interested in him otherwise they would have got together years ago. Plus she is in a relationship with someone else. He sayd he no longer loves her...but I feel subconciously he still does.

He is seeking therapy now.

I think it's very sad this has happened. He has treated me terribly since I told him I was pregnant, he asked me to 'prove' my pregnancy by meeting him so he could do the test himself. Was utterly degrading and humiliating.

I have no idea what he will do now...maybe he will go to oz and leave us alone. Part of me hopes he will go. But another part of me would hope he wakes up to this and grows up. Deep down I know he desperatley wants a family and has a good heart, but he seems petrified/angry and feels I have trapped him.

Despite amazing support from friends and family, being pregnant for the first time and doing it on my own is lonely and daunting...

I'm only 6 weeks 4 days so still early days and I'm trying not to stress.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated? Do you think he will come around?


xx

[Fideliney]

It might be best written off as 'thread gone inexplicably wrong' and abandoned.

Repeated efforts to insist fault lies everywhere other than with the OP are silly will only reignite it.

[unrealhousewife]

Trouble with surfer boy is that he's very likely to have fewer restraints and be more likely to be capable of being a SAHD. If OP is working then it's quite possible that he will be happy to take a large chunk of the care. Fine if that's what she wants but I suspect it's not.

[Beeyump]

That just doesn't wash in my opinion, Twinklestein. Not when the op repeatedly calls other posters unhinged, and refers to a great swathe of people as 'bitter old women'. My heart's not bleeding too much.

[Isabeller]

Hello OP, I was thinking how lovely a supportive thread with loads of posts when no-one was very interested in my (far less important) thread about baby-proofing on the parenting board.

You've had a really tough introduction to MN and I'm sorry to see that because there is also loads of good support to be had here.

I hope you enjoy your pregnancy and thinking about your little tadpole.

I have a baby DS and an adult DD. My pregnancy with DD was completely unplanned and her Dad didn't handle the news well. Like you I took responsibility single-handed and made independent plans. I wanted to make it possible for her to have a relationship with him and tried to be nice. He wasn't a bad person but pretty immature. He tried his best too.

In the long run it paid off we are genuinely friends now and she has a great relationship with him.

Your housing/chlldcare plans sound pretty sensible to me. BTW I'm also of mixed Asian/European background, a bit of extended family nearby feels right to me.

I'd gently suggest you don't completely write off your entitlements. You've been paying into the system for years and that's partly so it is there for you and your family at certain times. Things like free prescriptions from the middle of pregnancy, National Insurance credits while on maternity leave and child benefit are worth considering. If you'd been putting money into a pension you would think it reasonable to take it out when you qualified for it, why not get some advice so you know what might and might not be relevant to your circumstances?

Good luck and congratulations

[Passthedamnhamplease]

You are massively extrapolating unrealhousewife. Where on earth have you got that 'he will be happy to take a large chunk of the care' just because he has been described as into surfing?! Bizarre.

OP has said he is probably moving to australia which says the opposite to me!

OP, if you have decided to go it alone then just get on with it. Offer him a chance to be involved, then just leave it. You can't force people to come round and nor should you want to.

The PR thing is a red herring if he isn't on the birth certificate.

[fifi669]

unreal has got alot of stick on this thread for saying that she should consider all options based on the law with regards to fathers and extended family, the restrictions on her they may impose etc. This was including including abortion. I haven't seen a message where she told the OP to have one, just that her current decision was based on false information. I'm pro life So have no agenda in sticking up for her there.

The fact is the OP had stated that in law the father with have little or no rights to the child as she was told by her legal friend. I'm pretty sure the rest of us know this is false. Trying to say this to OP has made her aggressive.

OP should indeed keep the child as it is what she wishes. She maintains she would like the father to be involved. We must remember again that she's not yet 7 weeks gone, it's still early days for the father to get his head around even if they were irresponsible with contraception. There is plenty of time for him to come around to being a parent before the child is born, he may even come round in the years to come. Anything can happen, I believe it's worthwhile having the (right) information in OPs head regarding the law, then putting it to the back of her mind and focussing on herself and her pregnancy as a single parent.

[unrealhousewife]

Read the facts about PR before you extrapolate about it.

It is very far from being a red herring regardless of the birth certificate and surfer boy is capable of changing his mind about Australia, babies, surfing, parental responsibility, whenever he likes.

The point is advising people to go ahead with a pregnancy of 6.5 weeks by pandering to their delusions and giving them false information is irresponsible. It's nice and friendly, but irresponsible.

[unrealhousewife]

That was @passthedamnham

[lottieandmias]

My daughters father is currently causing me some issues wrt enrolling her in a new school. So I understand your point about the possibility for parents to cause trouble. But

1 when I had my dd we were married and I never had any idea he would do this in the future and

2 I would never have had an abortion knowing that he was going to do this!

[unrealhousewife]

Nobody's ever going to wish they had an abortion, but plenty of people do have them, for all kinds of reasons.
It's 2014 not 1950.

[LisaMed]

The legal situation as I understand it has changed loads recently. Despite what you read on the boards, legal wrangles over children aren't that common and it takes a while for things to filter through. A lot of lawyers/judges don't seem to have fully got to grips with the most recent lot of changes and it will take a while for case law to settle down.

OP I hope you enjoy your pregnancy and good luck. I would be very careful about how you approach things with your ex about the child and I would suggest that you let any contact or ideas come from him/his family. People who have beaten their children still get unsupervised access at times so the MH matters will not affect his ability for him and his parents to make applications for contact with the child. If you don't stir things up then hopefully he will let it go.

Do you know how his parents are likely to take this? Are they likely to be supportive of you? It is usually considered healthy for a child to know both parents' families, depending on those families, so do you think you would be able to work with them? Or do you think the child will be safer not getting involved. It is a big deal for a child to not know half their family.

I hope you are managing to eat and drink okay, and that you are getting a chance to enjoy any sunshine.

[Twinklestein]

Some of the posts were unhinged, I can attest to that, they were deleted for good reason.

For the posters who joined the thread late: the deleted posts were the ones urging the OP to have an abortion.

The OP has behaved well in the circumstances, I would have been a lot tougher in the face of ridiculous personal attacks, if she retaliated in the end, you only have yourselves to blame.

[Fideliney]

It's a valiant atempt Twinkle, but I came late to the thread and I can see with my own eyes that some of the OP's earlier posts were less than pleasant.

[yellowdinosauragain]

You didn't just remind the op it was an option. Your first post did that and was very measured. Then you banged on and on and on about it until more than one of us told you you were out of order.

Then you started harping on about the op having unrealistic expectations about the father's rights, despite the fact she has sought legal advice on real life and very much wishes the father to be involved.

Slithy if you didn't see the deleted posts you have no idea how unpleasant and nasty unhealthy has been. And I say that as someone who is pro choice, pro fathers rights and pro freedom of speech.

I'm ignoring her now. Others can make their own choice.

[Twinklestein]

Don't attempt to patronise me Fideliney, your first post on this thread was a completely unjustified, unprovoked attack on the OP, in which you twisted her laudable desire not to claim benefits as somehow sneering at people who do etc. The nonsense just continued.

The OP was perfectly pleasant until the relentless, quite unjustified attacks started and indeed continued.

She has been far more patient with you lot than I would ever been.

Some people have no idea how to behave and this thread is a good example.

[Beeyump]

Who are 'you lot'?

[Fideliney]

Oh stop talking nonsense.

The OP's posts speak for themselves from the first slightly odd 'I'm from a middle class family' (apropros nothing at all) onwards, just getting odder and odder.

To try and spin it into a one-issue, good vs evil thread, when all the posts except the abortion (?) ones are still there to see, is a bit futile.

And goodness knows what you mean by 'you lot'. I wandered in more than half way through and was only moved to comment at all by the strange whitewash that was occuring.

[unrealhousewife]

Twinkelstein you seem to have misunderstood the FUNDAMENTAL issue around this discussion and your disbelief is probably due to the fact that you haven't read these posts properly in favour of having a good ruck (old-fashioned word for an argument).

OP had very misguided legal advice and hasn't a clue about how this man will become a very big part of her life if he wants to, through law regardless of her wishes. While you were taking her off on a fantasy tour of the world with her beautiful new baby companion, I was reminding her that she might not even be able to take him out of the country at all.

There are a lot of people who if they hadn't had an abortion could be living extremely difficult lives, there are a lot of women who are taught at a very young age that abortion is wrong and wicked. I thought someone should remind OP that it's actually quite common and no big deal to have an abortion at the very early term of 6.5 weeks, just in case she was one of those people who had been given negative advice when she was younger.

She had made her decision to have a baby with an unclear understanding of the legal consequences. Loads of people coming on here telling her that they did it and were fine really didn't help. Times have very much changed, Fathers for Justice are pushing for more and more rights to be taken away from mothers and only earlier this year the government was forced to back down on an amendment to force 50/50 parenting as the default arrangement.

Just because the government backed down doesn't mean the guidelines aren't there and advice to Judges and courts isn't heading in that direction.

The point is OP has a choice. Wait for Mr Right to father her child or go with Mr Wrong. But it is a choice that only she will make and if she's got any sense at all, will make it with the facts to hand rather than bunch of opinionated Mumsnetters who did it 10 years ago and were OK.

[lottieandmias]

Sometimes you marry Mr Right, have a child and Mr Right turns Into mr Wrong.

Of all the reasons to have a termination, a persons hypothetical future behaviour is surely not a sound one.

[Guin1]

Cherry I have sent you a message - look for the envelope next to the My Mumsnet bar on the top right of your screen. It's just easier than trying to offer support through everything else that is going on with your thread now!

[lottieandmias]

Cherry - I'm very sorry your thread turned out this way.

[unrealhousewife]

Of all the reasons to have a termination, a persons hypothetical future behaviour is surely not a sound one.

That's usually precisely the reason you do have one. You want a secure future for your child, not one of unknown conflict. Anyway, OP has been talking about his MH problems now, his desire to go away and forget it all now, this isn't hypothetical at all. Perhaps it will all be fine, but perhaps it will be a big disaster.

Lottie I'm sorry you married someone who turned out to be not ideal but that's not comparable to Cherry's situation at all. She has a choice, and I would think very carefully before you minimise the effects of a dysfunctional future family onto others in real situations.

[Twinklestein]

I gave advice to a woman who does not want an abortion, whose ex-partner has expressly stated he has no desire to be a father, with a peripatetic lifestyle, soon to leave for Australia, as per the OP's posts.

You have given advice to someone you appear to think wants or should want an abortion, whose ex-partner is a committed father desperately keen to play a big part of the child's life, even going for 50:50 custody.

If you can't read that's your problem, but honestly if you keep digging, you'll hit Australia soon yourself.

This is as much time as I can be arsed to waste on this thread.

Good luck OP.

[unrealhousewife]

No Twinkle, that's not what I said, or meant at all. Your obsession with blackening my name and purpose on this thread is just bizarre.

Actually I haven't seen that kind of flaming type behaviour for a while on here, I hope it's a temporary blip.

[Wherediparkmybroom]

I had a similar situation have your baby, love it and move on xxxx you have all my love xxx