Bad fight and I think I crossed the line

[chickieno1]

Had a very stupid argument with dh this evening. At the dinner table ridiculous about chicken! He got on his high horse about wanting to make his point and I said forget about it and he said he had to make his point. I then got up and took my plate with me and said if he really felt he couldn't leave it then I was going to finish my dinner elsewhere. He then said it was very ignorant of me to leave when he had cooked the dinner etc. I went to the kitchen and he was still going on and then said you can fuck off! Now I don't think we swear at each other and I saw red. I came back into the dining area and said what did you say and he said fuck off again. He was sitting at the table and I pushed him so hard both him and the chair fell over :(. The 9 month old baby was in the high chair next to him and the almost four year old was sitting on the sofa watching something before bath time. Dh got up went upstairs and either slammed a door really hard or hit a wall

We haven't spoken or looked at each other since. I feel really bad and don't know what to say or do :(

You were both abusive here, but you are the one who could have physically harmed your child and your oh could have ended up with a concussion or could have hot his head bad enough to die.

If this was a true one off, I think both need to talk very carefully about what happened and evaluate their own behaviour in this.

I hope you have really got the enormity of what you have done and make no excuses. Otherwise, you really better leave.
If he was asking about this, the recommendation would be to log it with the police, even if no charges were pressed at this time.

For the sake of your children I do hope you sort it out, even if it means separating.

I'm not saying I would be happy, just not to blow it out of proportion. Of course if it was happening regularly it would be very different.
I just don't think some of you live in the real world. I am not excusing the op's behaviour. It was not her finest moment.
But to advise she should leave, seek help, have charges pressed against her and involve social services is ridiculous.
Really? You lot must live like angels.
If I pushed my dh off a chair, I'm sure he wouldn't be too pleased. But as far as feeling scared of me no!
If he wanted he could knock me to the ground in seconds (of course he wouldn't), but he would never see me as a physical threat.
Op, apologise to your dh and talk about what happened.

You think she should separate, because once in the whole of her marriage, her frustration got the better off her and she pushed her dh and he fell of the chair!
Try explaining that to your children when they're older.
We all make mistakes. The op is clearly mortified and you're making her out to be a domestic abuser.

If the op is a SAHM then I very much doubt her h is going to appreciate her walking out and leaving him with two small children so that he can't work after she has assaulted him. You really can't just reverse advice in this situation.

I don't know why anyone ever bothers to post here. It's always the same... Massive overreactions and 'leave the bastard' whatever the gender.

Fgs.

Swearing, shouting and physical violence, all in front of a baby and a 4 year old?

I hope you manage to book in some kind of anger management course/counselling today. My mum was violent towards her H and children, it scared us for life.

So let me get this right.. My partner pushes me enough to push over my chair with me sitting in it, and this is totally fine? Even though I could have hand prints on my chest from the amount of force needed. Even though I could have banged my head onto the floor? THus I am injured.

Double standards.

DV has no gender. It's because of some of the attitudes on here that men are not reporting DV.

When looking at incidents of DV, you should take gender out of the equation.

It should not matter who is the main carer. You should not go around asserting your power.

He is within his rights to get her charged. Gender does not matter. But sadly, even if she has caused him damage he would not report because of the stigma of being a male victim.

Yet another thread derailed by petty bickering.

[Shock] What in all the world is going on? Op pushes dh off a chair in a fit of rage, feels awful, remorseful, horrified, shaken etc. And people are telling her she is a perpetrator of family violence, may be locked up and possibly could have her children removed.

If it wasnt for poor op reading that it would be laughable.

Op, let things calm down. Apologise to your dh (a lot). If you feel that you have anger issues deal with them, if not and this is an aberration, as you were.

Good grief.

Wow. Just wow. Did some of you even bother to read the OP's post?

Because this is what I read:

1. Husband and wife are having a petty argument.
2. Wife tries to end argument by asking him to "forget about it".
3. Husband insists on continuing to argue.
4. Wife leaves the room in an attempt to escape the argument.
5. Husband is put out that she is leaving the room before he has finished brow-beating her and swears at her.
6. Wife returns to the room and challenges the swearing.
7. Husband deliberately swears at her again.
8. Wife pushes him.

Both parties were at fault here. But the OP doesn't need to leave. She needs to learn to respond more constructively to twattish behaviour. She needs to learn to keep her temper, refuse to engage, ignore his attempts to wind her up and calmly express that she will not tolerate being sworn at.

Maybe some of you are lucky enough never to have had a partner who deliberately pushes your buttons to get a reaction out of you.

I disagree that verbal abuse is the same as DV. Verbal abuse is not a violent act. the two may be co-morbid, and I am sure that in all cases go physical violence there is also an element of verbal abuse, but I not think they care the same thing at all.

And I also don't think you can really label a man 'abusive' on the strength of one argument where he said 'Fuck off' twice. It would have to be sustained and commonplace in the relationship to be considered abusive imho, otherwise surely every single one of our relationships is abusive every single time a voice is raised or a door gets slammed. We are not emotionless robots so let's keep some sensible perspective here.

What the OP did is a violent act, and a physical assault though, no matter what way you look at it. And the lack of control around the children is the most worrying thing.

of, not go.

Well the OP hasn't been back. No doubt I wouldn't if I was told I should lose my children over a push.

There is a certain type of manpulative personality whose way of operating is to provoke their partner into a reaction while remaining calm, so that their partner looks like the unreasonable one.

That may be what is going on in the OP's situation. Or it may not. We don't know, because posters didn't bother to ask for any background before jumping in to lay the blame firmly at the OP's feet.

I too am not surprised op not been back. Jeez. She already expressed her remorse. Now she is told she "could" get thrown in a cell and lose her children .

Whoever said (red something) that the police would lock her up is talking out of her hat. Its NONSENSE and the op should disregard that unhelpful post. I doubt the police would get out of their chair to "investigate" a woman shoving her husband, let alone rush over to arrest her

If the op is a SAHM then I very much doubt her h is going to appreciate her walking out and leaving him with two small children so that he can't work after she has assaulted him. You really can't just reverse advice in this situation.

Well, I was a victim of DV, exH was a SAHP, and I walked out with DS and I am a single parent to him. This was because exH threatened DS as well.
However, in this case, it looks like the OP has put the baby who was next to her H at risk too. The baby could have fallen too if the H tried to grab something on his way down.

I am very comfortable reversing the situation.

The OP won't get thrown in a cell because of this, as most men who have done the same won't. But she could have spent the night in a cell, yes, if her OH had reported it and she refused to leave the home.

And she could have got a caution as well.

I think it's very important that she realises this.

people are just desperate to be able to say 'I would say the same thing' when asked what they would think 'if this was a man/woman...'. It's pathetic and imo, not really different from smacking a child in a fit of anger, which many parents have done. And yes, I'd say the same if HE'D pushed HER on a single occasion and was expressing as much genuine regret posting on MN is like treading on eggshells sometimes.

Forgive me Lweji I have been on MN long enough to be aware of your story, I have a similar one. However I don't think one push is equal to a campaign of sustained domestic violence. As unpalatable as it is there ARE degrees of DV. It's too black and white to say you pushed your spouse, move out! An entire family wrecked over a push? I don't agree with that.

"Excuse me constable, I told my wife to fuck off and she pushed me off the kitchen chair".

There is a certain type of manpulative personality whose way of operating is to provoke their partner into a reaction while remaining calm

I fully agree with this, I was married to one, and have said he was abusive in this event.

Pushing so that he can fall is not a reasonable reaction to this.

I hope both take stock and see how destructive this type of behaviour is.
If he is that type of manipulative personality then they should split.
If her reaction to this type of insult is to assault, then they should split.

If this was truly a one off event, both should acknowledge their part in this argument and do their utmost never to subject each other and the children to anything remotely like this. And each should be prepared to walk out is the other behaves like this again.

What essentially finished off my marriage, Nicki, was not dissimilar to this type of push. I didn't walk out on the first, but I did on the second.
I am not saying to leave now, but I would take it seriously.

I certainly didn't wait for the beating.

I'm with MrBusterIPresume

OP - I do hope things have calmed down this morning.
What is going to happen now?
Hopefully you can sort through this mess.

In front of the children? No no no. Just don't. Brilliant demonstration on how to solve an argument.

Oh, and in my case it was not even in front of DS nor it put him at risk.