Bad fight and I think I crossed the line

[chickieno1]

Had a very stupid argument with dh this evening. At the dinner table ridiculous about chicken! He got on his high horse about wanting to make his point and I said forget about it and he said he had to make his point. I then got up and took my plate with me and said if he really felt he couldn't leave it then I was going to finish my dinner elsewhere. He then said it was very ignorant of me to leave when he had cooked the dinner etc. I went to the kitchen and he was still going on and then said you can fuck off! Now I don't think we swear at each other and I saw red. I came back into the dining area and said what did you say and he said fuck off again. He was sitting at the table and I pushed him so hard both him and the chair fell over :(. The 9 month old baby was in the high chair next to him and the almost four year old was sitting on the sofa watching something before bath time. Dh got up went upstairs and either slammed a door really hard or hit a wall

We haven't spoken or looked at each other since. I feel really bad and don't know what to say or do :(

Surely a couple can have an argument that involves one of them winding the other up in order to get a reaction (like the case here). And then it ends in something like a push.

But it is just a row. Not sustained DV over days, weeks, years. surely

Agreed, it's bad it was done in front of the children but if the relationship is otherwise fine, I doubt it will scar them for life.

I too, cannot believe that the police will be bothered with the consequences of an argument. Madness!!

oh come off it, most of us have messed up in front of our kids at one time or another. It would be a far bigger concern if OP didn't give a shit.

DV does not have to be sustained to be DV, FGS!

I wonder what lives people lead that consider a push that make the other one fall is ok.

Some of the responses here are pathetically embarrassing. I guarantee they would be different if the genders were reversed. I know because i have seen it here many times.

Scenario for you: couple having an argument, woman is pregnant. Woman gets in car to leave and in a fit if temper/frustration/anger man throws what he happens to have in his hand. It turns out to be a screw driver which smashes her driver side window. The screwdriver didnt hit her but the shards of glass left a dot-to-dot diagram on her face and chest in cuts.

Would the advice be that that woman should take the blame for it because she argued with him? Should she accept him sleeping in her bed that night? Should she consider herself safe in his presence?

It seems good that the OP does give a shit, but I wonder if she fully realises the impact of what she has done and if she has taken full responsibility over it.

Have you, OP?

Lewiji I think that is, actually, excellent advice.

who has said OP's husband should 'take the blame'?

The posters who said he wound her up/goaded her to get that reaction from her.

Family Violence is about power. Who has power, and who doesn't, and when the person who has power chooses to use it in an abusive way. On majority men who use violence do so to dominate and intimidate and exert their authority. Women who use violence, overwhelmingly do so in response to feeling powerless and in defence of this. I don't get any sense that the OP feels she is the one in control here. It's a complete red herring to suggest that it is even comparable.

Of course the push is not OK. It's a shit thing to do. But arrest her for it, tell her to leave and have supervised access to her children!

Like I said- madness!

stopwiththelarfing my advice would be different if roles reversed. Maybe because a woman has more chance of being killed by her spouse than any other assailant. It is three times more likely to happen than the other way around (men killed by partners). So I kinda take that into account. Crazy feminist that I am.

well, I don't agree with that. when you 'see red' about something that someone has said or done, it's obviously your problem but that doesn't mean it's more than a huge mistake.

I agree that OP doesn't feel as though she's the one in control, I doubt she is terrifying to live with if he felt comfortable telling her to fuck off twice (again, not saying HE is particularly 'wrong' for that, I've directed bad language at dp during arguments, etc...)

Op is probably down at the station turning herself in.

But OPs husband isn't pregnant.
And OP didn't throw anything.
And the OP was the one who was trying to walk away to finish the argument.
No-one is disagreeing that she massively overstepped a line here.
But I'm confused by your comparison.

Oh i know the stats, ive seen them and i know what you are saying. What that basically means is because statistically this man is unlikely to be killed by OP (i'm not saying OP is intent on killing him at all- she lost her temper that's all) that his feelings, as the victim are irrelevant. That if he is now scared of her, and if he wants her to leave he is unreasonable because the odds of him dying are less than if he were a woman?

It isn't simple to reverse genders because in most cases the mum is the primary carer. That makes it different.

You OP need to get anger management as should your DH. Plus counselling.

And talk to your son about this.

Stop if you are going to compare 2 scenarios/incidents then they need to be similar in some form or another which yours clearly aren't. I don't actually understand what you are trying to prove or what point you are trying to get across

Also- i dont think probability of death needs to be a factor in deciding whether or not you want to remain living with someone who has hurt you. Them hurting you is reason enough to want them to go and is a perfectly valid reason. There doesnt have to be any further risk for your feelings to be justified.

saying 'fuck off' and slamming a door don't require anger management, do they?!

Pushing so that he can fall is not a reasonable reaction to this.

I agree. It is not a reasonable reaction - but nor is it one that merits condemning the OP for all time.

OP, if you're still reading, you really to think about how you got to the point that you reacted like this. Was this how your own parents reacted during arguments? Are you under stress for some other reason and have a shorter fuse than usual? Is this the latest example of a pattern of disrespectful behaviour from your DH and you've reaching the end of your tether?

These are not intended as excuses, btw. But if this behaviour is out of character for you, then you needs to try to understand how you got to this point.

You also need to think about how you could respond less dysfunctionally in the future. Plan some strategies to prevent you losing your temper - counting to 10, imagining there is an audience in the room, whatever you think might work for you. Rehearse stating calmly that you do not intend to continue the argument/will not tolerate being sworn at/etc. Easier said than done, but necessary to avoid a repeat of recent events.

Stop if you are going to compare 2 scenarios/incidents then they need to be similar in some form or another which yours clearly aren't. I don't actually understand what you are trying to prove or what point you are trying to get across

How are they not similar?

But OPs husband isn't pregnant.
And OP didn't throw anything.

His child wasnt in him but right beside him- same risk of eing injured by OP's actions.

OP threw him to the floor.

No Vampy, but losing your cool and losing control to the extent that you push your partner so hard the chair goes back and the partner ends up on the floor might be.
He could have smashed his head on something on the way down. Anything could have happened.
By the sounds of it, thank goodness it didn't.

But on the other hand, I cannot imagine being so angry at my OH that I would shout at him to FUCK OFF and then when challenged repeat it.

This sounds like a one off incident and it's up to OP and her DH how they resolve it.

I think insinuating that OP has abused her children in some way is absolutely vile. so we're all perfect now, are we?

Scenario for you: couple having an argument, woman is pregnant. Woman gets in car to leave and in a fit if temper/frustration/anger man throws what he happens to have in his hand. It turns out to be a screw driver which smashes her driver side window. The screwdriver didnt hit her but the shards of glass left a dot-to-dot diagram on her face and chest in cuts.

Well the husband is not pregnant.
There was no weapon.
There was no destruction of property.
There were no physical injuries.

So completely different.

Had you have said:

Wife sat at dinning table, couple having a heated argument in front of the kids.
Husband pushes wife off he chair.

Then that would have been a comparison as the details are very similar to the OP.