Bad fight and I think I crossed the line

[chickieno1]

Had a very stupid argument with dh this evening. At the dinner table ridiculous about chicken! He got on his high horse about wanting to make his point and I said forget about it and he said he had to make his point. I then got up and took my plate with me and said if he really felt he couldn't leave it then I was going to finish my dinner elsewhere. He then said it was very ignorant of me to leave when he had cooked the dinner etc. I went to the kitchen and he was still going on and then said you can fuck off! Now I don't think we swear at each other and I saw red. I came back into the dining area and said what did you say and he said fuck off again. He was sitting at the table and I pushed him so hard both him and the chair fell over :(. The 9 month old baby was in the high chair next to him and the almost four year old was sitting on the sofa watching something before bath time. Dh got up went upstairs and either slammed a door really hard or hit a wall

We haven't spoken or looked at each other since. I feel really bad and don't know what to say or do :(

She didn't "smack him around" she pushed him. No, violence is never ok, but I think that some posters live in cloud cuckoo land with "you must leave right now and only have supervised access to your children". This is REAL life. Some people can't just walk out the door and abandon everything.

What common sense do you mean?

Not common sense in the slightest, your minimising DV against men. Primary carer or not you can't violently attack people, husband could call the police and have her removed from the house this evening.

and would that be your advice if the OPs husband was the violent one?

I refer you to Nicki's last post.

If the police were called tonight shed probably be in the cells til court on Monday am

OP. You need to leave him alone now. Carry on caring for your children. If and when he wants to talk you need to say you will move out, while also taking into account the best possible arrangements for your children, who must come first in all of this.

Nicky isn't saying that it's OK to do anything. She's saying that the practicalities are different when the abuser is the primary carer. I've never seen a thread regarding an abusive male partner who is the primary carer, ever.

OP's husband may well not feel like he's in continuing physical danger. OP leaving on her own, without her children, if he is the main breadwinner and not used to looking after the children, is going to cause one shitload of emotional distress to the children (who, yes, have just witnessed DV, but two wrongs don't make a right, and she doesn't have a history of being unsafe around them), is going to stop him being able to go away for business which might jeopardise his job, all sorts of things.

OP has fucked up very, very badly, and definitely needs to put distance between herself and her husband. She needs to accept that he might not want to continue the relationship, and she might need to leave the house while he processes the next step. Absolutely. But they have very very young children, who statistically speaking are probably used to having their mother care for them while their Dad works, and to throw all of that up in the air unilaterally, especially if the DH doesn't feel like he's in danger, might just make everything worse.

Like: hi, your wife has just assaulted you! Now, please cancel your important business trip and assume full time care giving for your young and confused children!

When my exh smacked me in the face I went to a hotel that evening, if I had children they would have come with me. I stupidly went back and put up with a further year of violence till eventually he had a knife and was removed from the house via a fore arm squad.

She can leave, and if that's what her husband wants she should.

Agree it's horrendous behaviour and your DH would be well within his rights to get this reported and end the marriage.

In the meantime is there someone he could trust with the children while he is away, if the trip cannot feasibly be cancelled.

As previously suggested you need to take steps right now to get your anger under control and of course what happens next and when it happens in terms of marriage and family is up to your husband to decide when he is ready.

OP instead of coming on here and asking a bunch of strangers for advice which by the way will be a mixture of:
Leave and never return.
You can only see your kids with supervised access.
Take the kids with you.
Leave the kids.
It's your fault.
It's not our fault.

Why don't you go speak to your husband. Ask him where your marriage goes from here. You know you were out of order and I doubt you meant for him to fall off the chair however you did push him in front of the Dc's and the end result was him on the floor. Not acceptable at all.

Here won't help. Speaking to your husband will.

Redglitter where the hell did you pluck that piece of information from?

From 22 years with the police and knowing anyone arrested for domestic assault is kept custody for court. In this case next court is Monday

it's not 'plucked' from anywhere it's something I see week in and week out.

It's also pretty standard for bail conditions to be set for the arrested party not to return home regardless of their sex

Sorry I was thinking this was Fri night not Thurs night - a Arrrggghhh

That aside it's not uncommon for people arrested on a Fri to be in custody til Monday

Just pray you don't have my police force, who released my exh by "accident" some 6 hours after being arrested after the knife episode?!?! I shat my pants when my mobile rang and it was his number, I knew he had been released as you don't have phones in custody so rang the police who admitted he had been released and could be anywhere. I went in to hiding that evening and stayed there for 2 weeks. I didn't tell anyone where I was not even my mother.

Boudica that's awful. Jeez it takes longer than that to do the paperwork in our force. What a nightmare for you

Bo That is absolutely horrendous but sadly not uncommon.

Yes the custody sergeant was so embarrased and apologetic, but to be honest it was the only mistake they made. They were very supportive in the long rum, and did all they could for me. Even when he repeatedly breached bail conditions and a criminal restraining order they did all they could to safeguard me. Even to this day they are still helping by allowing me to keep the "marker" on my house and the DV team often call to see how I am. So o can't fault them in the long run, it was just that one error they made, lucky I had my witts about me to flee it could have ended badly had he found me.

Having a marker on your address is worth its weight in gold. I regularly divert cops from calls to go to addresses with markers. Lord knows what people think when they get up and leave half way through a statement but it's about priorities

Make sure that markers kept as long as necessary

Bloody hell I can't believe some of the responses on here.

Have any of you considered OP could have been abused by this man for years and finally snapped, but is blaming herself as victims of mental abuse often do?? There are many types of abuse, not just physical.

And Redglitter your many years with the police should have also taught you that in order to be put before the courts she'd have to be charged first?? Which lets face it in the absence of independent witnesses, or any witnesses in this case all she has to do is deny it and no charges will be brought.

Maybe she didn't push him hard and he just lost his balance?
Maybe he's upstairs feeling awful for speaking to his wife in such a disgusting manner??
Maybe this would be typical behaviour of OP but it's never happened before due to lack of trigger as they don't argue often?

Agree it's probably not wise for OP to seek advice from strangers who don't know her or her relationship but this is a snapshot and I think she may be being judged a little harshly.
And no I'm not minimising, just think a little perspective is needed on this thread.

Yes pink and if her husband phoned the police and gave a statement then she would be charged and held for court. That's how the system works especially if there are children in the house

pink DV assaults don't work like that, it's always a he said she said very rarely is there a independent witness. The abuser is arrested, statments taken then victim says yes or no to pressing charges. If they say yes they are charged with assault and appear before magistrates for plea rather quickly. Then dependant on how they plead either bailed with conditions, one condition is generally not to enter the area of the victims home or work place or they then get a sentancing date should they plea guilty.

I won't argue with your knowledge Red but wouldn't the severity of the incident be taken in to account?

I do find it hard to believe that a charge would be brought when there is no physical injury, no threats of violence, and a first time incident?

God knows what force you two are working for! Never seen that happen for a Common Assault.